Dr. Dot's Blog

Well, not tonight, but last night. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a big drinker. I have never tried a beer or Vodka, Gin etc. But I do like wine, and lately I have been enjoying Margaritas. I was turned onto them a few months ago and like them as I don’t get a head-ache off them the next day. I am such a light weight when it comes to drinking, it’s pathetic.

Last night I went to try out a karaoke bar I have never been to before called The Palour.An Irish bar on the upper West side. The bar tenders are all from Ireland and very good looking, especially the male ones. Anyhow, I went out on an empty stomach, mistake number one. I had only eaten a salad when I woke up and a banana while I was getting dressed to go out.

I met a girl in the bar who looked to me, just like JLO, or maybe it was just the tequila. Seriously,  NYC is packed with gorgeous people, you can’t swing a cat without hitting a hottie. This girl (forgot her name) had the right idea, she was out with 6 guys and her being the only chick among them. Said it once, I’ll say it again, it’s raining men in this town. After I sang some Janis, my turn came up again to sing Black Dog by Led Zepp and by then I was steamin’ drunk. I only had 3 Margaritas but for me, that was WAY too much. A pal of mine came with me to the ladies room and watched me puke my guts out    And the bad part is, every time I vomit, I faint and get massively sweaty, I mean wet all over, it’s HELL! Don’t know why, but I insisted on having my white pants down around my knees the whole time and remember fighting my friend about this matter. Pants up, NO, pants down dammit, I’m PUKING! First time in my life I have ever been that drunk and it was nasty. I am so fucking loud when I vomit, I am sure the crowd outside were getting ill just listening to me. Guess I was in there about an hour when I was dragged out to my friends car, face down in the back seat, throwing up and fainting over and over again on the way to the Hospital emergency room. I do slightly remember getting thrown onto a stretcher and asked questions to which I replied “AHHHHGGGRRGGGG”  

I was just begging God to just let me die, as that seemed like the easy way out of this irritating mess, but he wasn’t havin it, he said I still have people to annoy and entertain here on earth. I was given an IV to rehydrate me and I heard I got 1.5 liters of something pumped into me. ALSO, I was given this ANAL suppositories, to prevent further vomiting. How fun was it having those shoved in my ass? You know my views on anal action. Stuff should come out, not in.

I was dragged out of there and delivered home by my trusty friend around 8am and crawled into bed. When I got up at 5pm I read the paper work that was stuffed into my purse. It has only my first and last name, they didn’t even get my address, so they rescued me for free. I owe them big time, and my friend too. The paper says, in capital letters “PLEASE STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL” I was laughing my ass off. It isn’t funny really, I guess I can not handle alcohol and have never been a drinker, I am a fucking wimp. They also gave me the number to the local AA chapter! Hello! This was a one off, I will never do that again. I will eat before I go out and limit myself to one or the max, 2 drinks. I see here, that my Dr’s name was “Dr. Lowenstein” So, thanks Dr.

I can’t imagine how many folks saw my naked ass in that bar bathroom, I don’t even want to know. But I do want to know what the hell happened to my white thong! Pants never came off, but thong is missing? Odd. I do need one or two drinks in order to get the balls to sing karaoke, but I think everyone does. I only did karaoke one time without any drink at all, and my whole body was fine, except my right lower leg and foot. They were shaking like Elvis on speed, like a horney dog. I couldn’t stop it from shaking, it was outrageous. Too much adrenaline I suppose and alcohol, be it wine or tequila, slows it all down. Alcohol is some evil shit. I am sure most Americans were hung over and tired today, er yesterday (Labor Day) it was a LONG wild weekend. I suppose I can’t be a control freak always, sometimes I let loose and need someone to take care of me, so thank God for friends.

Someone Saved My Life Tonight
Elton John

“Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You’re a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away
High away, bye, bye
Someone saved my life tonight…..”

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I forgot to post these cute shots I took of Jonesy and Miriam. Miriam is about 70 years old and a regular on the karaoke circuit in NYC. She doesn’t sing, she just likes young men. She REALLY likes Jonesy, follows him around like a shadow and yells “JONESY” in the heaviest NYC accent you have ever heard in your life.

Awww, they look so cute from behind. The look on Jonesy’s face in the first picture is saying “FUCK YOU DOT” hee hee.

“Heal my hands again Doctor” – Frank Zappa

“Dr. Dot gives the best massage in the world” – Sting

“Amazing hands” – Robert Plant

“Thanks for making me feel wonderful. Powerful massage” – Lauryn Hill

“You are damn strong for such a small woman” – The Undertaker (WWF)

“She eases the strain” – Henry Rollins

“Great for drummers” – Peter Criss

“If I could, I would have you massage me every day, all day. You rock!” – Courtney Love

“I love those hands!” – BoBo of Cypress Hill

“A really great massage!” – Bruce Willis

“Dr. Dot’s 4 hands rules” – Ice-T

“The Best massage of my life!” – Sylvia singer of the Killer Barbies

“Bite me again Dr. Dot” – Bella B of Die Ärzte

“I really love your massage Dot” – Charlie Watts of The Rolling Stones

“Perfect Massage” – Ron Wood of the The Rolling Stones

“Thanks for fixin’ my lumpy neck! AWESOME!” – Dime Bag of Pantera

“I have never felt so relaxed before” – Joe Strummer

“Thanks, I’m a new man!” – Lou Koller singer of Sick of it all

“Dot you rule with the strongest hands in showbiz” – Josh of Queens of The Stone Age

“Great massage” – Cindy Blackman drums for Lenny Kravitz

“I love your hands!” – Maxi Jazz of Faithless

“OOH, AHHH, EEEEE, OOOO, AAHHHHHH” – Johnny 5 of Marylin Manson

“What a relief!” – Debby Harry

“Can we bring your hands on tour with us?” – Justin Timberlake (at age 16)

“Dot kicked my ass!” – Proof (of D-12 and Eminem)

“I LOVE your hands Dot” – Paul Stanley of KISS

“That was an amazing massage” – Vin Diesel

“First massage of my life, I am now a fan” – Gene Simmons of KISS

“Lovely touch” – Mark Knopfler

“I feel like a new woman after that massage Dot” – Sheryl Crow

“Awesome foot rub!” – Marky Ramone

“Thanks for healing us man. Peace” – Carlos Santana

“Dot’s massage was the only thing that kept me going and going” – Sean, singer of Audioweb

“Your massage brought me back to life, you healed me baby!” – R. Kelly

“I love your massage Dot” – Eros Ramazotti

“Hands of STEEL” – Dave Navarro

“I remember it was very quiet, music playing on a boom box, the lights down low,” he told The Associated Press. “She was very professional. She also didn’t talk a lot, which I particularly liked.”
– Gene Simmons of KISS

Dear Dr. Dot,

I cheated on my girlfriend and the girl left a hickey on my neck that is so dark, I will have to put off seeing my girlfriend until it is gone. What if she notices the fading mark, what can I do to make it go away faster, the thing has been on me for over a week!

Jonesy in  Harlem

Jonesy,

Hickeys, or “Shag Stamps” as I like to call them are SO out. Rub a comb over it repeatedly, as pressure pushes the blood vessels away from skin surface. Some say tooth paste or lavender oil makes it go away faster. IF she asks, say you were in a brawl and a guy grabbed your throat and held you up against the wall, and that fading mark must be left over. If you are really paranoid, grab your own throat really hard to make more marks, you know, make it more realistic. Next time a gal starts sucking on you, guide her head SOUTH and tell her to continue down there.

Dr.

Dear Doctor Dot,

My guy REALLY wants to have anal sex with me, but let’s face it; it’s a pain in the ass. Not only it is messy but super painful. He is putting so much pressure on me about it, saying “most girls love it!”. I don’t want to lose him, but YIKES!

Carol P.  Fort Lee, NJ

Carol,

He is lying, most girls HATE anal sex. If he thinks it is so great, tell him you will try it but only if he lets you ram a dildo up his chocolate starfish (you wouldn’t want him missing out on any of the so called pleasure!). Men like anal due to the tight fit, but they don’t realize how much it hurts until they have it done to them. They think we all love it thanks to porn flicks, where the girls are getting paid a LOT to pretend they like it. Never do what you don’t want to do, if he doesn’t like it, he can find himself a canal pal!    

Dr. Dot

On my way home the other night, I noticed this sexy slug, slugging it’s way home (?).

I thought to myself, this must be part slug, part leopard. You have to admit, for a slug, it is pretty attractive, just plain “Hot”.

The full moon has been making me wild. Yesterday, I spotted a stray dog (as usual) and stalked him with the local police on my cell. They take too long and the black female Shepard type stray was way too fast for them. I ran after her in 100 degree weather for about 30 minutes       until a cop car arrived. He was slow as HELL and so I had to chase her around from street to street, keeping track of her. 

Every time she ran down a one way street, the cop had to go around, everytime losing her. Another cop car came and he was just as useless, so I continued running after her with a huge back pack on my back and cell up to my ear chatting to the police dispatcher. Where are “Animal Cops” when you need them?

After a full hour of chasing her a, guy on a bike (who had one tooth) joined us and it was a giant event trying to corner this clever dog. She would sometimes run out in front of cars, almost getting hit every time, which made us all shriek “NO!”. It was hell.

Finally, she was caught and taken to the station; hopefully she will be cleaned up and adopted.

Today, the UPS man rang my bell (and usually I look hot when he comes) this time I was in a Beatles t-shirt, facial mask on and peach underwear on, just not “together” know what I mean? I ran down to him and accepted the package which I did not expect and gave him 2 $1.00 bills (or so I thought) as a tip.

Minutes later, my door bell rings again, HIM AGAIN. I was like “what is it now?” through the intercom. He said I gave him too much money. HUH? Do they still make you? I wondered.

I ran back down the stairs, and he said I handed him a one dollar bill and a one HUNDRED dollar bill last time. Hello, what fucking planet am I on? I just go handing out one hundred dollar bills to random, sweaty UPS men? He probably thought I was trying to get him into my flat for a “favor” with that much of a tip.

I can’t BELIEVE he was so honest! Amazing. Anyways, I gave him a few more dollars as a ‘thank you’ and an ice cream to take with him (it is still 100 degrees out here!).

The mystery package is a copy of a new book I am in. It is called “The experts guide to 100 things Everyone should know how to do”  (click on the book title to read more about it).

 A very smart woman named Samantha Ettus put this book together. Each Expert in the book has their own chapter, mine is called “How to give a Massage” and Donald Trump’s chapter is how to “Negotiate” and Larry King’s is how to “Listen” and Mrs. Fields is how to  “Bake the perfect Cookie” etc. Check this out:

‘On her how-to list
Daily News Rush & Molloy, June 1, 2003

If you’re the top expert in your field, Samantha Ettus wants you. Know-it-alls from Donald Trump to Bob Vila have agreed to reveal the secrets of their trades for the well-known talent manager’s Random House book, “ The Experts’ Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do .”

Cosmetics mogul Bobbi Brown will reveal makeup secrets, Chef Bobby Flay will detail the best way to grill, Eastman Kodak Chairman and CEO Dan Carp will tell how to take a picture, and so on.’

I am really proud to be in this book, and can hardly wait for the VIP Book release party here in the city on Sept. 23rd. Larry King and Donald Trump will be there, but best of all, FREE FOOD.   

   

 “New York, NY – Thursday, September 23 @ 6:30 – 9:30 pm
The Experts Guide book party
Hosted by Frederic Fekkai, Andrew Firestone, Katie Ford,
Nan Kempner, Larry King and Ronald Winston By Invitation Only “

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I won’t even comment on Mr. Bush begging for votes in the city this week, as it is too aggravating. Instead, I will quote one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs:

If

If I were a swan
I’d be gone
If I were a train
I’d be late
And if I were a good man
I’d talk with you more often than I do

If I were to sleep
I could dream
If I were afraid
I could hide
If I go insane
Please don’t put your wires in my brain

If I were the moon
I’d be cool
If I were a rule
I would bend
If I were a good man
I’d understand the spaces between friends

If I were alone
I would cry
And if I were with you
I’d be home and dry
And if I go insane
Will you still let me join in with the game?

If I were a swan
I’d be gone
If I were a train
I’d be late again
If I were a good man
I’d talk with you more often than I do

Last night I was at ‘Stand Up’ comedy club,to support my pal Jonesy .

They saved him for last and he rocked the place! He took 3rd place in the ‘Stand Up’ competition.

At around 11:30pm, Dave Chappelle  pulled up in front of the W. 78th street and Broadway club in a brand new Mini Cooper. He and his bodyguard/pal came in and Dave took the stage.

Dear Dr. Dot,

My best friend of 20 years, snatched the guy I was dating. (This is NOT the first time either). I was only seeing him casually, but adored him and she knew it. I introduced them and since then, they have been inseparable. I still see him at my favorite watering hole, but never hear from her anymore unless I call her. I feel I have lost two people at once. Help!

Christine  M.

Springfield, NJ

Christine,

You can count her out as a friend from here on. Men will usually at least try any female who pushes themselves on them, but there is NO excuse for her betrayal   . He did you a favor in showing you she can NOT be trusted. Better that you learned this now with a dweeb like him, than later with your real Mr.Right. I would buy him a drink if I were you and say “Thanks for opening my eyes”.

Dr. Dot

He Dr. D,

I am loosing hair left and right but refuse to get plugs- any ideas on how to stop this mess?

Steve A.

Upper East Side

Dear Steve,

Get a satin pillow case to avoid loosing excess hair at night (other fabrics tug at hairs as you toss and turn). Massage your scalp every day to increase hair growth and buy some ‘Vitamin H – biotin’ vitamins, because a shortage of this in your diet leads to hair loss. Also, avoid wearing hats for a while, they tend to add to the problem. Also, only wash your hair every other day, or less if you can get away with it. On  a positive note, it could mean you are just too dam sexy   (extra testosterone).Most women know that balding men are great in bed.

Dr. Dot

Not sure why this guy was wearing this t-shirt, but I had to snap a shot of it.

I know, lately my blogs have been a bit impersonal, just posting sexy pictures of my favorite eye candy or animal activist banter, with stuffing of my column Ask Dr. Dot.

Lets see, what’s been goin down. Yesterday I had a very successful meeting with a company I can’t mention (bad luck to count yer eggs before they hatch) and they spoke about how my upcoming show will be formatted and how my column will be syndicated into a VERY popular magazine in conjunction with the show, which will show me in my natural habitat (backstage, at a concert, being cheeky to stars and helping folks look and feel better without beating around any bushes).

Oh GAWD, Robert Downey Junior is on E! right now, an old episode of Saturday Night Live, so excuse me while I drool for a minute     he is so out of this world sexy, it is hard for gals to watch him and still remember they have a boy friend or husband.

Fiona Apple is the musical guest on Saturday Night Live, what ever happened to her? She is gorgeous, talented and HOT. Did she just disappear? Please do tell.

I am heading to CT again (glutton for punishment) to visit friends and relatives and of course my sister Shannon again. Oh it is so exciting in CT, I just can’t keep away. I am only staying one or two nights. I may want to flee the city again when the Republican National Convention takes over the city EW! I will have to get out of here!

Jasmine returned from camp and is heading back to Berlin tomorrow. All went well, she had a BLAST and grew up even more. I will head to Berlin myself at the end of Sept and stay for around 4 weeks. I wish I could stop traveling, just stay put and give up the suitcase way of life, but I suppose it is out of my control, being that my ancestors (on my Mothers father side) were gypsies.

I miss Frankie  and Lucy   so much, I find myself petting every dog that goes by, even the kind I don’t fancy so much, those wiener dogs    and gasp, Poodles too    (Mr.. Zappa would roll over in his grave). Well, I have to go and continue my Robert Downey Jr. fantasy. I need more questions for my column, and NOT about DICKS. I am not Dr. Dick. Let us move onto other things, K?

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Dinah-Moe Humm                  by Frank Zappa

I couldn’t say where she’s coming’ from,
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty dollar bill say you can’t make me cum
(Y’jes can’t do it)

She made a bet with her sister who’s a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don’t mind that she called me a bum,
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
(So I got down to it)

I whipped off her bloomers’n stiffened my thumb
An’ applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked ‘n stroked till my wrist got numb
But I still didn’t hear no Dinah-Moe Humm,
Dinah-Moe Humm

Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Where’s this Dinah-Moe
Comin’ from
I done spent three hours
An’ I ain’t got a crumb
From the Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe
From the Dinah-Moe Humm

Got a spot that gets me hot, ow!
An’ you ain’t been to it
(No no no no!)
Got a spot that gets me hot, ow!
An’ you ain’t been to it
(No no no!)
Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain’t been to it
(No no no no no!)
Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain’t been to it
‘Cause I can’t get into it
Unless I get out of it
An’ I gotta get out of it
Before I get into it
‘Cause I never get into it
Unless I get out of it
An’ I gotta be out of it
To get myself into it

(She looked over at me with a glazed eye
And some bovine perspiration on her upper lip area
And she said . . . )

Just get me wasted
An’ you’re half-way there
‘Cause if my mind’s tore up,
Then my body don’t care

I rubbed my chinny-chin-chin
An’ said my-my-my
What sort of thing
Might this lady get high upon?

I checked out her sister
Who was holdin’ the bet
An’ wondered what kind of trip
The young lady was on

The forty dollar bill didn’t matter no more
When her sister got nekkid an’ laid on the floor
She said Dinah-Moe might win the bet
But she could use a little ______ if I wasn’t done yet

I told her . . .
Just because the sun
Want a place in the sky
No reason to assume
I wouldn’t give her a try

So I pulled on her hair
Got her legs in the air
An’ asked if she had any cooties on there

(Whaddya mean cooties! No cooties on me!)

She was buns-up kneelin’
BUNS UP!
I was wheelin’ an dealin’
WHEELIN’ AN’ DEALIN’ AN’ OOOOH!
She surrender to the feelin’
SHE SWEETLY SURRENDERED
An’ she started in to squealin’

Dinah-Moe watched from the edge of the bed
With her lips just a-twitchin’ an’ her face gone red
Some drool rollin’ down
From the edge of her chin
While she spied the condition
Her sister was in
She quivered ‘n quaked
An’ clutched at herself
While her sister made a joke
About her mental health
‘Till Dinah-Moe finally
Did give in
But I told her
All she really needed
Was some discipline . . .

Kiss my aura . . . Dora . . .
M-M-M . . . it’s real angora
Would y’all like some more-a?
Right here on the flora?
An’ how ’bout you, Fauna?
Y’wanna?

MMM . . . sound like you’re chokin’ on somethin’

Did you say you want some more?
Well, here’s some more . . .

(Oh, baby . . . )

Oh, sure . . . look,
D’you think I could interest you
In a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers?

MMM . . . tweezers!
Wait a minute, lemme sterilize ’em . . .
Gimme your lighter . . .

I couldn’t say where she’s coming’ from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty dollar bill say you can’t make me cum
(Y’jes can’t do it)

I whipped off her bloomers ‘n stiffened my thumb
An’ applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked ‘n stroked till my wrist got numb
An’ you know I heard some Dinah-Moe Humm
Some Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Some Dinah-Moe
An’ a little Dinah-Moe
An’ a Dinah-Moe again
An’ Dinah-Moe
An’ Dora too, lil’ Dinah ‘n Dora
An’ Dinah-Moe
Kiss my aura, Dinah