Ask Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

I am dating a new guy and everything is great, it’s just when it comes to oral sex, he gets mad that I won’t swallow his sperm. My question is, why do men have this thing about a woman swallowing? As long as I Long suck it, why do they care where it goes?
I am willing to spend a lot of time cock sucking and licking their balls and have been told I’m pretty good at it. But when he is starting to cum, I grab his cock and keep a tight rub on it so he feels good. I
do not want that stuff in my mouth. What’s the problem? Although I love to be eaten my favorite thing is to have my tits sucked and milked. If some disgusting liquid came out, I wouldn’t care if he swallowed. Just suck it. Am I off base?

‘Not havin’ it’ Nancy

Dear Nancy,

First of all, you should think of starting a career in sexy journalism, I am sure you have most of the men who read your letter wondering how to get in touch with you, as finding a woman who “like to spend a lot of time cock sucking and licking balls” is highly sought after. Swallowing a man’s tide shows that you accept him, every drop of him. His sperm is his personal liquid gold, their most valuable juice and if you won’t swallow it, it’s kind of like saying “you aren’t good enough to swallow” and hence, they get pissed off/disappointed.

If his spunk smells or taste funny to you, it is nature’s way of telling you “don’t breed with this wanker!” If you are in love, you should want to swallow his spunk (unless it’s super chunk-clam-chowder style, then anyone would understand the resistance. But if you just can’t seem to bring yourself to do so, then tell the guy up front “I will suck you ‘ till the cows come home, but I don’t swallow. If you have a problem with that, then we will just skip the whole blow job part of our relationship”. This should solve that problem immediately, as most men would choose a non-swallow blowjob over no blowjob at all.

Dr. Dot,

I am writing to see if you have information on/or feedback about excessive body hair. I’ve really been struggling with this the past few years. It started when I was about 22. I use to have a little hair on my chest, which I didn’t mind at all, but it seemed to get worse over the years. By the time I turned about 28, the hair on my chest spread all over my stomach and then started to get hair on my neck, back, ass, ears, nose, and everywhere else in unwanted places.

I tried to ignore it but it just got out of control. One night when I was a little buzzed I shaved my arms, but I couldn’t seem to stop there. By the way, it’s true what they say about “don’t shave it because it will come back thicker and more hairy.

I don’t want to sound like a whiny little bitch but it’s not just my self-esteem that is crushed, but it is also uncomfortable and itchy. When I have my shirt off, the wind blows some of the hairs on my back and it tickles and itches making it uncomfortable and such a nuisance. Even with my shirt on it still itches my back to no extent.

I like to try to stay well groomed so I still shave once every month or two. I use a shear with a guard to shave my legs, armpits, and eyebrows. Then I take the guard off and do my arms, ass, and part of my lower back (what I can reach). I’ve pretty much given up on my back because I can’t reach it well and am too embarrassed to ask anyone else to help me with it.

I’ve never tried waxing because it sounds painful and I think I have too much hair and in private places to hire someone to wax me all over. I remember seeing an advertisement for the smooth epilady years ago but I heard it is very painful too. I don’t think laser hair removal is advanced enough either. Plus from what I understand, the laser only will take care of black hairs only after many treatments and it does nothing for the white type of hairs on our bodies and I can’t really afford an expensive solution. What can I do?

Please give me some tips, info, or something to help me with this. I know if anyone can help, it is you Dr. Dot. I believe in you, appreciate, and respect you. I think if I could get this under control, I may have more confidence in myself to help get my self esteem back up and energy to workout and exercise more and etc. It is so uncomfortable, even with a shirt on, it is so itchy. I’m so depressed and I have such a low self-esteem right now and the excess body hair doesn’t seem to help out the situation. Please help me if you can. Thanks for your time!

Fuzzy Fred

Dear F-Fred,
That sucks that you are unhappy about your hairy body. It is something that you really can’t change. If you think you are sad because it is, in your eyes (or maybe some females) unattractive, just know that there are women who love that.
Naturally you will find one who loves you so much that she even digs your fur. It just means you are a REAL MAN!
This is how men are supposed to be, hairy. We women usually want someone who is the opposite of us. We are smooth and soft, so we yearn for men who are hairy and hard (some areas should be hard).
You could save up and get the laser hair removal treatment but it is SUPER expensive and like you said, sometimes it requires many treatments.
My Uncle has a hairy back and has his partner put NAIR on his back once or twice a month.
Please, just embrace yourself, as life is so fucking short and there is no point in worrying about something you have no control over.
Everyone has something about themselves that they really want to change, and I mean EVERYONE.
I had to laugh a bit when you said the wind blows your back hairs, that sound so cute!
Listen, women LOVE a confident man, so I suggest you start feeling comfortable in your own skin and hair!
Be so cocky about it. Know that it means you have loads of testosterone and you are a really potent man.
Grow to be so confident about it that you can even ask your new gal or what have you, to trim it a bit with a comb and scissors once in a while, or the NAIR routine.
Honest, my advice is to love yourself ASAP! It will be a contagious state of mind and the only logical solution.
Hope this helps a tiny bit

Dear Dr. Dot,

I sometimes fantasize about women’s feet-I love to suck their sweaty toes! Am I a freak?

Foot lovin’ Frank

Dear Frank,

No way, tons of men have a foot fetish. My web master is one and I have
been talking to him on and off for years about it. I think it’s harmless and
Just means you love to worship in some way and love to be dominated, even if it
means just having someone stand over you.
Feet are the perfect way to see if a girl is well groomed elsewhere by the way.
If her feet are nasty, her muff will be a nightmare as well.

Dear Dr. Dot,

My boyfriend told me his ex could make him cum just by touching his G-spot. He says it in a way that makes me feel I am not good enough for him. Do men even have a G-spot? I have stuck my finger in his ass a few times but he didn’t cum. I feel inadequate. Could you give me directions? Do I need an Ass map?

Rectal Robin

Dear Robin,

First of all, telling you that his ex was somehow better at pleasing him then you are is ignorant. Sounds like he is trying to manipulate you into playing with his ass. You should pleasure him how you want to and when you want to, not to prove you are as good as his ex. If she was so good, why doesn’t he go back to her? Tell him: “My ex used to make me cum by licking my pussy for 45 minutes straight” see if that works to your advantage. Moving right along, some say the female G-Spot and the male prostate are made of the similar tissue. Hence, the prostate is often called ‘The Male G-Spot’. This might stretch the analogy a bit, as the female G-Spot is in-and-up behind the her pubic bone and it swells as the woman gets excited. The male prostate is deeper, up near the neck of the bladder. In fact, it is the button that decides if the man is going to shoot his load or pee… men can’t cum and go at the same time. I suggest that you suck his cock while fingering his ass with your pointer finger, as long as you have no long sharp finger nail on it and it is well lubricated. The combo of you sucking on him and fingering him should do the trick. Just as it would be next to impossible to make a girl cum without touching her clit (as in, just messing with her G-spot and nothing else- which by the way makes most girls have the feeling they have to pee) it would be next to impossible to make a guy cum with JUST a finger in his ass and NO penis stimulation. Next time he says “well, my ex could do it, why can’t you?” send him back to his “ex/ass expert”, no one needs that comparison crap.

Dear Dr. Dot,

recently I moved out of my home and left my wife. I still love her and hope we will reunited, but her nagging at me (we work and live together) has driven me away. I am a Leo and need to be adored and she was putting me down alot when we were at work. I find myself going to hookers a few times a week and my wife found out and freaked out. I told her they mean nothing to me, there were no feelings involved.She doesn’t get it. I want to go wild for a bit then come back to her. How can I make this all work? How can I have my break but keep her?


Dear Nate,

It is obvious to me why you choose hookers. Your woman made you feel small, which is the worst thing for a Leo to go through, so paying for sex makes you feel big. The big powerful spender who calls the shots. I totally believe men can fuck hookers without it disturbing their love for another woman, but telling her there was “no feelings involved” was the mistake. What about her feelings? Simply tell her “You made me feel weak and small; paying for sex made me feel strong and big again. I chose a hooker instead of a normal woman, as I don’t want to start another love. I love you, I just fucked them. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, treat me like a capable, strong man, and I won’t need any confirmation from another woman”. Also, working and living together will destroy most love relationships. I strongly advise to change that if you can if you want to save your marriage.

Dear Dr. Dot,

I am dating a stripper and we have the best sex I have ever had in my life. She is exciting, spontaneous and dirty, this makes me wild. This passion is addictive, like a drug that I can’t be without. Problem is, I get super jealous when I see her strip (we met at her work). I used to love watching her dance, now it pisses me off. The men are pigs and disrespect her. I have gotten in a few brawls so far and I can’t control my jealous rages. How can I keep her and our hot love going strong without driving her away with my jealousy? She threatened me last night, she said if I keep it up, it’s over. I would die if that happened. I love your column and know if anyone could help, it would be you.

desperate Dan

Dear Dan,

You know, it seems to me you men are never fucking happy. You moan about your women being boring, then they are too exciting. Steady, predictable behavior is tedious, yet wild passion makes you nervous. Make up your mind what suits you and stay with it, don’t try to change anyone. You met her at a strip club, what the hell did you think would happen? She would suddenly give up her job for you? Would you give up your job for a girl?. At all cost, avoid going to her work (does she come to your job and watch you work? I think not.). Don’t even mention her work. Your apathetic approach will make her interested in you even more, as I am sure 99.9% of the men she has dated all freak out, so be different. No need to explain the sudden change, just get busy and mind your own business. If you can’t stand the heat, stay the hell out of the kitchen.

Dr. Dot

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween! Missed my flight so I will fly to the USA tomorrow..xoxo



^ Trick or Treat?   🙂

Motorhead rocked Berlin (and won me over big time)

Motorhead is on their 30th anniversary tour, kicking each city’s ass along the way. You’ll never meet such a cool group of guys as these rockers. The drummer, Mikkey is from Sweden. He used to live in LA but found that cops would bug him while he was out walking at night (land of the free? Not always, as cops do that to me as well “what are you doing out so late at night?” ask the cops.. “Looks like I’m walking doesn’t it?”.. “ok smart ass, get your hands up against the car and spread ’em”- you know the story).. The bass player and singer, Lemmy comes from Northern England but lives in LA (he loves it and says the Rainbow is still his local hang out). Phil, the guitarist comes from Southern Wales and is a wild child.
(By the way, the harder the music, the nicer the musicians are 🙂

When I first walked backstage, by the way, I heard “Dr. Dot, what the HELL are you doing in BERLIN?!!” I turned around to see the drummer and singer of SLUNT, a NYC based band, whom I’ve massaged before when they opened for Marylin Manson in NJ. Abbey (the knock out singer of SLUNT) told me she got married since I last saw her, to one of the guys in a group called FUEL (can’t remember which dude). She said she definitely wanted a rub down after their set. (They opened for Motorhead).

I first massaged Mikkey and he had me laughing the whole time. He is so funny and open about everything and not shy at all about posing for pictures (and you know I love that!). He then brought me into the next dressing room to reintroduce me to Lemmy. I had met Lemmy briefly when I first arrived and when I asked him if he wanted a massage, he said “No thanks, I never get massages, I prefer to be tense, I like the stress, helps me perform better”. So I ruled out getting to massage Lemmy. But after chatting with him a while, I took off his rings and started to massage his hands and arms. He was chatting all the while and didn’t really notice. Then he liked it so much, he removed the rings from his other hand himself and gave me his hand to rub down. He was into it. He told me it was his first ever massage; I was like “WHAT?”. But then again, I did give Gene Simmons his first ever massage too (according to him). I am amazed at how long some folks wait to give into the pleasure of getting a massage. It is ALMOST as good as a good shag, but in some ways better, as you don’t have to work at anything, you just lay there and accept pleasure and the unconditional caring that comes with the massage, and naturally the benefits of a good massage make you feel brand new, like refueling your tank, recharging your soul’s batteries.

Lemmy is a fucking SWEETHEART! I bet these hard rockers don’t want anyone to know how fucking sweet they are, but I’m telling you, they spoiled me rotten and were so polite and generous. Lemmy kept offering me strawberries dipped in sugar and he got on his walkie talkie (he has a walkie talkie with his name on it and he uses it to talk directly to the tour manager etc who are in the other room). He had his tour manager go back and forth a few times out to merchandising to get me assorted Motorhead t-shirts. He would come in and hand me a few, I tried them on in the bathroom, came out, modeled them for Lemmy and he would tell me if they fit good on me or not, and if not, he sent his manager out again to fetch different sizes etc. I felt so embarrassed that this guy was running his ass off for my t-shirts, but Lemmy insisted, it was very flattering indeed.

<Phil looking great, right before the massage (I made him all oily and he loved it).

^Mikkey wearing a SLUNT tour shirt (looks like a Stones shirt, but it is a SLUNT shirt, trust me)

^ Lemmy holding my Dr. Dot Flyers (the ones I pass out at every gig)

Eventually I worked my way up to his shoulders a bit and got to give him a tiny shoulder rub as well, while he and I were chatting about certain rock/punk stars. He LOVED Joey Ramone and shared my exact opinion about Johnny Ramone (if you forgot, you could always read my old blogs lol). He agreed that Hendrix was one of the best guitarists that ever lived, he spoke so highly of him and knew ALL of his albums/recordings etc. He said he used to work as a roadie for Jimi briefly way back when. He is a no bullshit kinda guy, I really got along with him well and spent more time with him than anyone else that night. I told him that I was going to be celebrating my birthday at an Irish pub, doing karaoke and he asked me what do I usually sing and I told him. Then he asked to hear me sing. I belted out a bit of Highway to Hell and he freaked out and said “you should be a singer dammit!” lol. Then a bit later, a big wig from his record label came into chat with him and Lemmy told him “listen to this, she can sing” and he had me sing it again in front of this German record executive. I was crackin’ up! I naturally sang for them, but I just had to laugh, Lemmy is so cute. He asked me why I wouldn’t want to be a rock star, I told him I wouldn’t want to deal with all the slutty groupies and touring is murder on the body/soul/heart. He said “hey, the groupies are the best part”. Hee hee. I got a bunch of shit for posting the Backstreet Boys blog on, as my rocker pals said “they aren’t rock and roll, what the fuck?!”. I don’t just massage musicians of bands that I personally listen to, and Motorhead is so hard, it will for sure make up for the softie BSB blog, so take that. Lemmy invited me to come stand on the stage to watch the show and I did. After a few songs, he dedicated a song to me, but don’t ask me what the name of it was, as I don’t know it all (yet). He said “this next song is for Dr. Dot, who massaged me before the show, thank you Dot”… Oh god, that makes you melt I tell ya. That shit makes the whole career worth while. It doesn’t happen often (Andrew Strong, Shaun Ryder, Bob Geldoff and Joey Ramone have all done this for me in the past as well). It’s something you just never forget, ever.

^ Phil is fucking hilarious. He doesn’t give a FUCK what anyone thinks but is thoughtful and polite. What a great combo. His Welch accent is pretty heavy; it’s also very charming 🙂

He sent me a few text messages after the show, thanking me for kicking his ASS during the massage. I have never done such deep tissue on any client so far. I went as deep and hard as I could and he was still like “oh, you could go harder on my shoulders”. The man is made of steel ok?

^ Abbey of Slunt is a fucking GODDESS as you can see. This is her posing with Micky.. Those pants and vest she is wearing are made by a cool NYC designer, but of course, I forgot the freakin name of her. Abbey looks so fucking hot it felt hard to behave during the massage (just kidding lol). She is ten times hotter than Gwen Stefani if you ask me, she is so real, so natural looking, so sexy, it boggles the mind. She sings and plays guitar the whole time, I predict she will get huge, extremely successful. They have a great name, great sound and with Abbey fronting the band, they can’t go wrong. She is hard rock eye candy with soul. SCHWING!!!

^ Abbey and I (hey, she has HUGE shoes on, making me look like mini me 😉 ^ Mikkey showin’ his stuff

< Lemmys slot machine that he has at every show. His management says it keeps him busy for hours. How cute is that?

^ Mikkey is SUPER friendly to the fans. He spent hours signing drum skins, drum sticks and photos for the fans and the press. He understands that being nice to the fans means good PR and good vibes, what goes around, comes around. Bands who don’t understand this are just ignorant and biting the hands that feed them.

I have a nice autographed band photo and cool back stage pass but can’t post them as I need to have them scanned. I will add them later. The production manager, a sweet lady from Sweden gave me a Motorhead CD to take hom “Inferno” which I am about to dive into..

xox Dot

Back Street Boys got the rub down..(and other things I’ve been up to) Oct. 16, 2005

Above: Being interviewed at Berlin’s Hard Rock Cafe by ‘Spiegel TV’ which is a pretty serious program. They are like 60 minutes I guess. It should air on German TV this week (I don’t get TV over here, so I wouldn’t friggin know what night it comes on).

They wanted my opinion and thoughts about Groupies. So I let ’em have it. U2 donated that tiny car to the Hard Rock (that colorful tiny car I am lying on). I made myself right at home on that thing. It’s called a ‘Trabbi’, the car the East Germans used to use. Normally they were skin colored (or very plain looking), but U2 made it nice and pretty for their “Zooropa” tour.

^Francis,  the lady who interviewed me for Spiegel TV is from Iran and is sooooo gorgeous! She wanted a tiny massage to see what all the hype is about..


Then I  went to Northern England for a few days and it was heaven. I could imagine living there, it is so gorgeous and the people are so friendly, for me it is paradise. A VERY good pal of mine (who is very shy so I won’t name drop 🙂 showed me around ( I have been to that area a few times before, but for some reason it looked even more beautiful than ever). Yes, I even found karaoke in a tiny town called Clitheroe.

The folks smoke A LOT but they are so sweet, you kinda over look it. Jasmine was in Munich, so instead of being alone in Berlin I popped over to Lancashire for some tea and crumpets. I was fed some NASTY dish called “Butter Pie” first thing one morning and spat it all over the place. I was expecting a cheese cake taste, you know, sweet and creamy, but instead it was a nightmare, like salty cow balls or worse, I freaked out. Manners? What manners? I can’t hide shit. I just spat it all over and did a ‘that taste nasty’ bolt for the bathroom to clean my mouth out repeatedly, so take my advice, skip the dreaded (but really popular) “Butter Pie” WTF!?? Ha ha!

I have to say, I was spoiled rotten over there, the Northern English folks are so warm and sweet, humble and polite. Wallace and Gromit come from the area I visited, so you can imagine how the people are. Their accents are to die for as well. So freakin’ CUTE! It has got to be my favorite accent. Belfast being right behind them (what a contrast). I was given a ‘public foot path’ tour from one town to another. I tried to chat with the sheep, but they wanted nothing to do with me

< my pal animated that

                      ^ Me getting the cold shoulder from the sheep



       Lancashire is out of this world pretty… And the air is so fresh, it makes you light headed..



 <  My friend enjoying the view

^ Is it just me, or does that look like Big Foot up in the background?

                                    ^ My DREAM house!


Back in Berlin, I got to massage the Back Street Boys. I have massaged them before so it was great to see them again.

 ^ Old pictures of the last time I saw BSB.. Jasmine and Arron Carter,  Brian and Jasmine, A girl from the German band ‘Tic-Tac-Toe’ and AJ, Kevin and I. You gotta love Jasmine’s Grateful Dead shirt, yay!

 < Nicks Back. LOVE his moon tattoo.

        Nick Carter is my favorite BSB, he is so mellow and friendly, totally adorable. What was Paris Hilton thinking when she split up with him? What a darling! 6′ 1″  and that Southern charm, just makes you smile.

The show was at the Max-Schmeiling Halle in Berlin, October 16, 2005.

        Nick and I after his one hour massage. He listened to his favorite Football team on the lap top during the massage, Tampa Bay. I was just happy they were winning as you don’t want to see how grumpy stars get when their team loses before a show. Seen it before with Sting and it’s not a pretty sight. Ha. 

^ So nice of Nick.

When I arrived there were 100’s of screaming female fans all around the venue. Dying to get in, close to their heros. They were not amused at the fact I just wizzed by them with the massage table. Yes, had the lads nearly naked on my table, such a task, but someone’s gotta do it 😀   YAY!

Stereophonics get the Dr. Dot rub down in Berlin

I had only been in Berlin for 24 hours and was already massaging the amazing Stereophonics. I wasn't even close to catching my breath or unpacking, but nevertheless, not tired enough to turn down such a gig. My friend Quinner, whom I've known since 1992 is on tour with them. He invited me to come rub everybody down. I have never met this band before and certainly wasn't familiar with their music. A friend of mine from the UK told me “they are as huge as Coldplay! Go see them!”. I was so tired from my jet lag, I was really not in the mood to go anywhere, but dragged my tired ass to the Columbia Hall anyways to see them all.

Glad I did. What a great bunch of people. The management was sweet as pie and so was the band. The singer, Kelly has an incredible voice, rough and strong, super powerful. It was a sold out show and the place was heavin' with Brits who live in Berlin. I could hear every song perfectly from my massage room. I didn't see much of the show, as they smoke so much in Berlin, the air makes your eyes blood red within minutes. The band was not amused at how smokey the place was. It's so ignorant when people smoke at concerts, the smoke kills the singers voice and makes it hell.

^ Kelly and I (slap that arrogant look off my face k?). You can see my Leopard Bra, how cheesy..

Anyhow, the bands main members are Kelly Jones (singer/guitarist/song writer) and Richard Jones (Bass). They come from South Wales (yummy accents!) and have been friends since like the 3rd grade (that's what Quinner told me anyways). The drummer is from Argentina and is called Javier Weyler. The keyboardist, Barry, is from Manchester and had gorgeous eyes, like most Mancunians by the way…. I didn't take his picture though, slipped my mind, too much going on.

^ Richard (6 feet of fun)

After the show they all got a massage and we hung around havin' a laugh and what not. The roadies were in and out of the dressing room and even they were cool. One of the cool things about being in Berlin is that when bands pass through, they are usually on their way to another country and they give me certain things that they can not bring across borders, loads of small change and other goodies… YAY!

New York Press has Dr. Dot on the cover





New York Press is thrilled in every sense to introduce Dr. Dot, our new sex advice columnist. We sat down with her last week and asked her to tell us a bit about herself. Once you’ve read this, swing on over to page 39 to get a feel for the doctor’s orders.

I was 15 when I massaged my first rock stars.

My girlfriends and I wanted to meet rock stars and since you don’t have much money at that age, we went to the concert hall at noon and decided we’d offer massages in exchange for entrance. Not a good plan, but somehow it worked—Def Leppard guitarist Phil Collen happened to be walking across the parking lot because someone stole the band’s clothes the night before. Holy fuck—that guy’s in the band. We went shopping with him all day.

We didn’t have tickets, but I give the meanest back massage in the world. And that’s how it started. Stars are used to getting things for free. So I massaged them for free for nine years.

I was born Dorothy but have always been called Dot. I’d been massaging my family—walking on their backs and biting—since I was five. I got my doctorate from Frank Zappa on his 1988 Hard Way tour, when I was massaging—for free I might add. Him and his whole band. The name Dr. Dot just stuck.

I didn’t think that was going to be my career—that was just a hobby. I wanted to be a writer and photographer. But I was giving massages and I had all-access passes to catering and other shit. I was never thinking, oh these fuckers got to pay me. It was more—wow I get to touch my heroes. This is great.

Sting has to be one of my favorite rock stars to massage. He’s so generous and mellow and cool and fun. I mean I massage him more than any other star. I’ve been to his house and massaged his wife too.

And of course Zappa. Favorite. Period. And he’s my favorite musician. Massaging Frank, I felt like paying him. Frank was hilarious but serious. A workaholic, and very much into audience participation. My burps can be heard on the “best band you’ve NEVER heard in your life,” a CD of the ’88 tour. I burped at the sound check, and he asked me to do it on the sample and used it making fun of the evangelists.

Courtney Love is really edgy. I never like to say anything really bad about anyone, so we’ll just say that she sticks in my mind as one of the most exciting massages. She’s not acting. When you see her on TV that’s really what she’s like.

Joey Ramone was my first boyfriend ever. I was 15 and went out with him for three years. Then I turned into a deadhead and moved on. He was the sweetest guy on Earth and didn’t talk much. But everything he said was sarcastic and hilarious. The best kisser on Earth. He didn’t know how young I was.

I was 15 but told him I was 19 like all young girls do. And nobody thought I was 15 with jugs like that. He was 29 at the time, so…

In 1994, I massaged the Rolling Stones up in Toronto where they rehearse every tour. Chairle Watts said, “How much do I owe you?”

“Are you kidding me? No Charlie, you’re doing me a favor by letting me massage you,” I told him.

He told me with his British accent, “Dot, no one is going to take you seriously unless you ask them to pay you money for your mah-ssage.” And that was my first paying customer. He paid me $200 Canadian dollars and then they hired me for the next two Stones tours.

Now, I charge everyone. A massage starts at $100 an hour if they come to me, $150 if I go to them. $200 after 10 p.m. But it’s not as expensive as people think. The St. Regis Hotel charges $250 an hour.

If someone like Britney Spears is paying $3000 for a fucking haircut, then my massage is not that expensive. And it’s worth it. I kick people’s ass. I don’t pet people. If you’re looking for a relaxing massage go somewhere else. I kick some real fucking ass.

Volume 18, Issue 40

© 2005 New York Press

Ask Dr. Dot


Dear DD,

My boyfriend and I are both 18 years old and have sex on a regular basis. Once I got pregnant and had an abortion and it was hell in every way possible. I can’t take the pill because I smoke and my gyno says it’s bad for me, yet my guy hates condoms. He told me that if I jump around and then pee right after sex, I can’t get pregnant. I am too afraid to ask my Mom about this so can you tell me if it is true?


Dear Penny,

That has got to be the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Jumping around and pissing after unsafe sex will not prevent you from getting pregnant, nor will the ever so popular “pulling out” right before the guy shoots his wad. There can be up to 1 million sperm in pre-cum. Even having sex during your period could get you knocked up. Men have been known to make up stories to get in there with out wearing a condom, as it feels better, but now that you know how much an abortion hurts, don’t accept any bullshit. Use condoms along with spermicidal foam to be on the safe side. Too bad if he hates condoms; ‘no glove, no love’.

Dr. Dot

YO! Dr. Dot

Over the summer I was playing soft ball and got to be pals with the team. One of the guys had a hot girlfriend and would bring her to the games. I got to be friends with both of them and she would cut and highlight my hair (yeah, I am a bit vain). Anyhow, now they have broken up, she still does my hair (for SUPER cheap) but calls me just for the hell of it and has asked me to call her if I wanted to go out. She is flirty with me and I do want to fuck her silly, but I think it’s bad to date a kinda friends ex gal. I am lost because I can’t afford other hair dressers and don’t want to lose her, but if I don’t call her, she may get mad. Help!


Dear Jonesy,

Shagging this girl would be a bad move. Summer wasn’t that long ago, so the break up is fresh and she may just be doing this to make her ex jealous and they may end up back together and you would look like an asshole if you went for it. Even if she isn’t after revenge and really does just want you in her, think of all the pressure. If you don’t do it right or don’t commit, you lost yourself an inexpensive, friendly hairdresser. Best thing is to just tell her “look, I think you are great, but I have met someone else and I can’t”, or “I think it would mess up our professional relationship, so lets just keep it how it is, sugar”.

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

I met a girl online, fell in love and had her move in with me. She has turned into a lazy drunk and won’t even work. Now I don’t know what to do. She has crashed my car and even got arrested. I still have feelings for her but I need my space back. She kinda changed her life for me, but now I have no life. I would feel mean just tossing her out on the street. Any clever ideas?


Dear Kurt,

If she doesn’t work, how does she get money for booze to be the lazy drunk? Stop supporting her bad habits, no money for booze, no booze in the house first of all. She will then be sober. When she is sober, talk to her tell her she has to change or move out. That is one of the problems with meeting someone on line, you never know their secret habits (drugs, alcohol, porn addict etc.) all of which can be easily hid over the Internet. If you really love her and can’t part with her, at least get her to go to AA meetings but it sounds to me like you have become her parent and this is no fun. If she doesn’t snap out of it, buy her a bus ticket and send her on her way or you could just move out and leave her with the bills.

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

My best friend is cheating on her boyfriend, whom is also a friend of mine. He is in jail and gets out in a year and it is killing me not to tell him the truth. She says she loves him, yet drags a different man home every weekend and has sex with him. I find this disgusting and wrong. Should I tell him? I don’t want to see him get hurt but also don’t want to lose her friendship. This is a difficult situation and it’s bugging me big time.


Dear Crystal,

First of all, let destiny run it’s course, let things happen naturally, don’t get involved like that in other peoples business, its bad karma. Speaking of karma, know that what will be, will be and if she is being cruel to him, she may get a taste of her own medicine someday, but that is not your problem. Secondly, perhaps she really does love him and just fucks the other guys for fun. Men seem to be able to separate love from sex easily, they can be madly in love with one woman and yet fuck another and not let it interrupt the love they have for their woman. This has been going on since the beginning of time, no one can change it. Maybe your girlfriend has it all set in her head and heart, she loves him, but has ‘exercise’ with other men until her big love gets out of jail. All the time and energy you are wasting on worrying about them surely must put a dent in your love life, no?

Dr. Dot

Berlin bound (AGAIN)

“Words like violence Break the silence Come crashing in Into my little world Painful to me Pierce right through me Can’t you understand Oh my little girl…. All I ever wanted All I ever needed Is here in my arms… Words are very unnecessary, They can only do harm”  Depeche Mode 

Dave Gahan’s Nephews called me last night to say Hi (from London) and told me their Uncle is coming out with a new album with his old band Depeche Mode. So now I am in the mode again, I just love them, super nice guys and their music is cool. My favorite song being the one up above “Enjoy the Silence”  *sigh*


                                                      ^ Dave is one of my favorite clients 🙂

Anyhow, I am very late doing my column (5 days late) and probably won’t do it until late tonight as I am going mad packing and getting ready for my flight to Berlin on Sunday. Another direct flight, YAY!

Jasmine already told me she is super busy the day I arrive, booo! No matter, I am usually no fun from the jet lag anyways. Can’t wait to squeeze her and kiss her MANY kisses. Since she is going to some mad protest on Friday in Southern German (she is so political now, it’s scary) and she will be gone a week, I will pop over to the UK and raise some hell 😀 (shhhhh!)

Still can’t mention which NY Newspaper will be featuring my column soon, I hope I can by Wednesday though (hate keeping secrets). I should be in bed, it’s 8am and I have a slight fever (probably because my body knows it HAS to go to Berlin and is getting in it’s miserable mode (ha!). You know I always Berlin bash pre-flight, whine a few days when I get there and find out Jasmine has barely any time, but then I get used to it and perk up. Jeeze. Will keep you posted. I am glad she is a happy, healthy busy gal, but I need her.. (yep, I’m clingy 🙂

^ Me before and after flight to Berlin