Month: February 2005

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Ask Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

this is hard for me to talk about. But maybe you can help. I have a “golden shower” fetish.. but it’s always difficult to ask a girl I’m dating to perform it. Im afraid she’ll think I’m a perv. Any advice?

Golden Chuck

Dear Golden Chuck,

you are not alone, I know many people with peculiar fetishes (feet, smelling stockings, golden showers, etc). As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone or involve children, don’t be shy or ashamed. I wouldn’t request that on the first few dates, but you don’t want to get too involved unless you know she can get as freaky as you. You could tell her that you want to enjoy her in every way possible and you adore her so much, that even that part of her turns you on. It’s all in the way you explain it. Asking if she has ever done that before, or heard of it is a good golden shower ice breaker.

Dr. Dot

Dr. Dot,

 I never orgasm when my guy goes down on me. I worry the whole time about his neck getting sore and not only that, he is all over the place, flicking the tip of his tongue around, it’s actually annoying. When I say “let’s just skip it” he gets offended. Sometimes I fake it to get it over with. Help.

Jane 

Dear Jane,

most guys learn how to give oral from watching porn, where it’s done just for the visual aspects, but that tongue flicking rarely does it for us gals. Explain to him, gently, that if he wants to make you cum, he should imagine your clit is a block of salt and he is a thirsty cow. Tell him to make his tongue wide and flat and to put pressure on it, never letting up. Up and down motions work wonders for most. (You can demonstrate this on your four fingers or a strawberry to show him what you like) Tell him it’s hard work, but worth it. Every time he stops & changes patterns or positions, he has to start over from square one again. They can’t read your mind, tell him exactly what you want and never fake anything, he doesn’t deserve the praise and your sex life can’t progress unless you tell the truth. If he does a good job and you still can’t cum, just ask him to ‘come up here and do me now!’. That should change the subject. Afterwards, explain that “not all females can cum like that, but it still feels great.” Count your blessings, having a guy who likes to give oral is a good thing, hang onto him, just teach him (somebody has to teach him, it might as well be you!).

Dr. Dot 

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The Game (who the hell is that anyways?)

Sorry that I’ve been too busy to blog properly, still looking for a smaller apartment here in Berlin which is no easy task. Nothing really exciting going on over here- I did meet a “huge” hip hop star the other night, called The Game. I was in the hotel lobby of the Hyatt Hotel after giving a sheik a 4 handed massage (my assistant and I) and there in the lobby was The Game, trying to decide what club to go to. I gave he and his posse some tips and we chatted a while. Suddenly every one wanted a massage, but it was already 1am and I was beat (mind you, had that been Paul McCartney, I would have been all perky and ready to work for hours again).

I heard from my gal pal who worked backstage at the Snoop Doggy Dog concert that he wanted a hooker to come and hang out back stage, dressed slutty and to pretend she was the Production assistant and screw and blow who ever they wanted her to. My gal pal was in charge of granting their every wish for the night, so she had to call the local VIP Whore house, “Belamy’s” to ask how much that would cost. 700 Euro was the answer and when she told Snoop’s tour manager, he snapped “for that price we can get 5 whores in Bangkok!!” and so they passed on that idea. How rude. A normal production assistant gets around 300 Euro a night anyways. Can you say “PIG”?.

Anyhow, I got my dog Lucy sitting next to me, farting her ass off, letting me know how much she missed me I guess 😉

I was hoping to land back in the US on March 14th, but if I don’t find a new flat soon, I will have to stay longer. Again, my internet connection is the slowest on earth here, that’s why I am not so hot on blogging while I am here, plus, I’m all work no play at the moment, so how fun is that?

Full moon here tonight:

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Ask Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

In the beginning of my relationship with my girlfriend, she was naughtier than I was. She brought me to swingers clubs and eagerly put a porn dvd in before we did the deed. Now, 6 months later, she rips my face off even if I look at a Girls Gone Wild commercial too long. I feel like she is a different person now. How do I get her to be dirty again?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Sounds like a case of the ol' bait and switch. I know a guy whose wife did the same thing, now they only shag to reproduce. I think that is down rite cruel. Luckily you aren't married yet and you can bail. Before giving up completely, just go back to your old ways, and when she reacts like a nun, call her on it, tell her it's unfair and very misleading to reel you in with a strong sex appeal that was really just a mirage. Speak your mind and be a man about it. It's bullshit behavior and you know it. If she doesn't snap back to her usual self, or at least a toned down version of it, move on. It's (sadly) standard that the sex life cools down a bit, but to go from wild sex to monk like behavior is too much to put up with if you are under 60. Many people put up a false front to lure a partner in, then the “real” habits surface. It depends on how much you love them and what your priorities are when determining whether or not you are going to put up with their crap or not. Life is short, if they aren't making you happy, move the fuck on.

Dr. Dot

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Freedom of speech? Not here

                                                 

                                                        

You probably noticed I removed the “Who’s my daddy?” blog. Due to a certain Aunt and Uncle freaking out and threatening me with disowning me (who cares?) and *gasp* revoking their conditional love. The only thing we had in common (my mom) is dead anyways. I like to vent here in the blog, they can’t understand that.  Let them pretend we are the Brady Bunch. I have ‘divorced’ the two relatives in question. I feel FREE. Doesn’t matter who the “real” daddy is, Chet raised me the best he could so that’s that. In my opinion, whereever you are presently is home. Whoever you are with presently that makes you happy is family. Blood relatives or not, if someone treats you badly, move on. Life’s too short. “Love the one you’re with”.

 A man calls home to his wife and says,
Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in
Canada with my boss & several of his friends.

We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good
opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve
been wanting so could you please pack enough
clothes for a week and set out my rod and
tackle box?
We’re leaving from the office & I will swing
by the house to pick my things up.

Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas too.

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but
being the good wife she does exactly what
her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home little tired

but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he
caught many fish?

He says, Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill,
and a few Pike.

But why didn’t you pack my new
blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box.”

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Ask Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot, 

  My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills. At the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

  Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that  most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch,  to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our  bills even more.

  Also, he has gotten religious in a big way, although I don’t quite  understand it. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. And now he has been going to the gym an awful lot and is into wearing uniforms and cowboy outfits, and I hate to think what that means.

  Finally, the last straw. He’s demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It’s just so horribly creepy!

 Can you help?

  Signed, Lost in DC

  DEAR LOST:

Stop whining, Laura. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for four more years …

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Show your love on Valentines Day (love for the planet)

Dear Earth Activist,
Below is a letter from my fellow NRDC Board Member Robert Redford.
Please read his letter and take action.
Thank you,
Leonardo DiCaprio

No one voted on Election Day to destroy the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. But President Bush is now claiming a mandate to do exactly that. Congressional leaders are pushing for a quick vote that would turn America’s greatest sanctuary for Arctic wildlife into a vast, polluted oil field. Even worse, they are planning to avoid public debate on this devastating measure by hiding it in a must-pass budget bill.

Please click HERE to send a message telling your U.S. senators and representative to reject this sneak attack on the Arctic Refuge.

AND while you’re at it:

Bush’s air pollution plan is a sweetheart deal for polluters and is on a fast track in the Senate.

Don’t let Bush and his polluting allies weaken the Clean Air Act. The so-called “Clear Skies” Initiative will be disastrous to the public’s health — it would roll back protection from dangerous soot and smog, eliminate safeguards for our national parks, allow increased emissions of toxic mercury, and completely ignore the threat of global warming. Air pollution from power plants alone contributes to an estimated 30,000 premature deaths, hundreds of thousands of asthma attacks, and tens of thousands of hospitalizations for respiratory and cardiovascular illnesses each year. Everyone deserves air that is safe to breathe.

Your Senators need to hear from you right away to prevent this unprecedented attack on the Clean Air Act.
Tell your U.S. Senators today to oppose any plans to make our air dirtier and more dangerous! ….. See full petition below 

CLICK HERE

AND Help stop Canada’s Cruel and Senseless Seal Hunt!     

Dear Dr. Dot,

We’ve all seen the baby harp seal pictures — adorable
dark eyes staring out at us benevolently from pillowy
white fur. But cruelty season is fast-approaching in
Canada. Sign the petition: http://www.care2.com/go/z/21459

“(Well, right about that time people
A fur-trapper (who was strictly from commercial)
Had the unmitigated audacity to jump up from behind my igloo (peekaboo) )
And he started into whippin’ on my favorite baby seal
With a lead-filled snowshoe)*

I said, with a
Lead-
Filled
With a lead filled snowshoe
He said, “Peekaboo”
I said, with a
Lead-
Filled
With a lead filled snowshoe
He said, “Peekaboo”
He went right upside the head of my favorite baby seal
he went “whap” with a lead-filled snowshoe, and
he hit him on the nose and hit him on the fin, and he
that got me just about as evil as an eskimo boy can be. So I bent down
and I reached down, and I scooped down and I gathered up a generous
mitten-ful of the deadly *YELLOW SNOW*

The deadly yellow snow, from right there where the huskies go!

Whereupon I proceeded to take that mittenful of the deadly yellow snow
crystals and rub it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous
circular motion hitherto unknown to the people of this area, but destined
to take the place of the mudshark in your mythology
here it goes,the circular motion, now Rub It! ”   FRANK ZAPPA

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Fun

Click HERE  to see how exciting parties are in Berlin  (thanks to Andrea for the link)

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened
to end up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty
and quiet.

“Hello?” she called out, but heard no answer.

“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled
at the top of her voice “HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away:

“We’re down here…”

                                                          
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Ask Dr. Dot

* A shout out to my younger brother Chester the 4th, it’s his birthday today. Happy Birthday Chet! Love you!

Dear Dr. Dot,

I recently got a new job and have one of the sexiest bosses around. She is really attractive and has this amazing sexual energy. My problem is that I am a married, but would just love that one experience with my boss. I am not totally sure if she has the same attraction but she does seem to like me and we do have some really good sexual conversations! Is it worth me trying my luck or should I just leave well alone.

Horny Employee

Dear Horny,

I don’t want to throw your hot fantasy into a cold shower, but this sounds like the most dangerous kind of affair you could have. What if you don’t make her cum? “YOU’RE FIRED!” could be the result.What if you two fall in love? Then you are both in big trouble. If you try and she rejects you, this could be painful to your pride and job. I just don’t see the risk being worth a few naughty hours, but then again, I don’t have a dick. These kind of fantasies are always the hottest, because it involves an unavailable person. Just think about her when you wank and leave it at that. One should never shit where they eat (or work).

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
after reading your last column, about the Doll, I wonder if you think it’s possible that someone could buy their guy a REAL DOLL (or their gal a MAN DOLL) and then find out that their guy/gal no longer has a need for them? I know the dolls are probably not good conversationalists but they’ll never cheat on you either…
Otto

Dear Otto,

If one is so easily replaced by a doll, there was nothing that great going on in the first place. You can only buy such a toy if you are confident in your relationship.  If your partner is always too tired for sex with you because of the doll, then get real busy and know this is just a passing phase. Unless you are dating a horny 22 year old, I wouldn’t worry too much about your partner spending too much time on a lump of rubber, it’s better than he or she cheating on you with a real person.

Dr. Dot

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Ask Dr. Dot

(If you are eating while you read this column, finish your food first lol)


Dear Dr. Dot,
I travel a lot and my boyfriend is alone for long periods of time. I bought him a few porno’s to keep him busy, but is that enough to keep a guy from cheating? I can’t change jobs just to keep him company and he can’t travel with me. Any tips for me?
Ruth  NYC

Dear Ruth,
If you travel a lot, I assume your job pays well enough to buy him something that could keep him entertained. Have you ever heard of the Real Doll? It is a life size doll made of latex and can be custom ordered with what ever hair or eye color, breast size etc, you think he will like. (They make man dolls too). I checked out their web site (www.realdoll.com) and they cost $1,999. It could make wanking more exciting for him, but there is never any guarantee when it comes to a person being physically true.
Dr. Dot
 

Hey Mike,
That old saying “You are what you eat” is 100% true. If you drink beer, your spunk will taste like beer, if you smoke cigs, it can taste like chewing tobacco. Also, if you don’t drink enough water, it can come out like chunky style clam chowder (and it will even taste like it if you eat a lot of sea food). Yeah, I know, ew! But put yourself in her shoes, and just that thought alone should get you drinking more water, eating a lot of fruit (yummy, strawberry flavored!) and veggies. Eat and drink healthy for a few weeks and have her do another taste test, I am sure it will improve. Oh, and wash that thing real quick before inviting someone for a snack.
Dr. D!

Hey Dr. D,
My girl friend says my sperm taste bad. At first she wouldn’t swallow, not I can’t even get her to go down on me. I love her and everything else about her, but come on; life without head is not worth living. My penis and I would be eternally grateful if you come up with a way to get her going down again.
Mike