“He’s a real nowhere man”

My friend Andrea, her daughter and I were walking through the Volkspark ( the people’s park) near my flat here in Berlin. It was fairly standard weather for Berlin.  As we were crossing the street, I noticed this HUGE hippie van parked next to the park

There was a lot of writing on it, some in English, so I decided to go knock. The man called out that I can come in. Up until this point, I thought every German named ‘Dieter’ looked like Dieter from Sprockets on Saturday Night Live. Well, this Dieter is as different from Mike Myers “Dieter” as you can get. This Dieter is a regular rollin’ stone, a REAL Nowhere Man ( please hum that tune from the Beatles when you read this blog). I went in alone and started chatting with Dieter and after about 15 minutes, I called to Andrea and Sarina who were at the near by play ground. Andrea said when I went in there, a few people were staring in amazement, as in, I must have a    -lot of courage to enter –such a freaky van. Dieter said he has lived like this for the last 30 years. I didn’t have the balls to ask him how old he was, but he did say he has a 41 year old daughter. Dieter does mosaic tile designs to earn money. His bathroom in the van is so fucking cool, he laid each-  -piece by hand. 

The two dog dishes in the ‘heated floor bathroom’ belong to his only travel companion, Snoopy. That dog is super sweet and was letting himself in and out of the van the whole time. He gets spoiled and has a lot of toys on board which he kept exchanging. He would come in, grab the ox tail, go out, chew for 10 minutes, then come in, put the ox tail back(!), and grab the big bone and go out again.

Dieter keeps his “home on wheels” extremely tidy and organized. He has loads of plants and cool lights all over. He said it took him 7  

years to build it exactly how he wants it. He has an incredible stereo system in there and even in the bathroom it sounds like a concert. He played a ‘Melony’ cd. That was the first concert I ever saw, my folks brought me to see her and I think I was only 2 years old, don’t remember squat of course! I found Dieter to be so cool, I even came back later with Jasmine and we chatted with him for hours.

He said he was married at 20, had a kid and wife, and at 24 he wanted to move to Canada (he is a native Berliner) but his wife was like “oh, but here I have a great kitchen and school for our kid” she was clearly not flexible to move around, so Dieter had to leave her. He had paid her the mandatory HUGE amount of alimony and took off and never went back. Not sure if he sees his daughter or so.

Dieter lives on wheels; where ever he parks is where he lives that day. He reminds me of being on tour with the Grateful Dead, in fact I was surprised he had never seen them in concert. Dieter doesn’t smoke or drink any alcohol, ever. He is a vegan and never lets steel or silver touch his mouth, he only eats with the custom made wooden chop sticks he had made on one of his MANY trips to Nepal. He loves Katmandu and India too. Even though he is a tad old, he doesn’t have ONE grey hair on his head, which proves he is happy and stress free. He whipped out a photo of himself in his hey day and had long blonde hair, looked like a member of the Doobie Brothers.

 The photo to the left is Andrea  (standing) Sarina and some random brave German woman who also came aboard to look. There is Dieter in the drivers seat, playing us some music. He has many crystals and freaky lights, the kind that when you touch it, little lightning bolts come to your finger, you know, like at the science museum- that are sensitive to heat. Dieter is a classic nowhere man, he is happy and refuses to conform to society as we know it. He says he goes to Bielefeld (in West Germany) every once in a while to work (doing tiles). He earns money and takes off again. He says his boss loves his work so much that he can come and go as he pleases. He refuses to stay in one place and NEEDS to explore. The photos I made of his home do not do it justice, it is breath taking and has hand crafted wood from Nepal all over it inside. I brought him a few cds to enrich his collection, two Moody Blues cds and one of me doing Janis Joplin 🙂   Good luck Dietmar and keep on truckin’!

Movin’ right along. I went out tonight with Asita. She and I have been friends for about 8 years. Her dad is Iranian and her mom is German. Asista works for one of Germany’s biggest concert promoters and gets to meet a lot of Rock and Pop stars. She has a wicked sense of humor and we get along GREAT! Seeing her was exaclty what I needed as Berlin was really getting me down. Since I have been gone for about 2 years, (apart from me coming to visit Jasmine every third month) my friends have either moved or are so busy in their lives they have no time when I come so I am often alone. When Jasmine is home it is awesome, but she is a busy girl too and has a HUGE amount of friends and packed schedule, what with school, guitar and tons of gal pals (she broke up with Leon by the way). So if she comes home every day at 7 or 8pm, I am alone and missing NYC badly. I go shopping do the occasional massage and make- over, but still, I long to see friends. I am kind of on call all the time ,when Jasmine has free time, I must be free for her.

Anyhow, Asita and I went to the Irish Pub karaoke night. Fricky came too and did a Michael Jackson tune ( ‘man in the mirror’) and I did tina Turner’s “Simply the Best” .Notice we only did ONE song? The dj is a PRICK and insists on singing so much that no one gets to sing twice. Why do karaoke DJs insist on singing all night? Isn’t the point to let the people who come and spend loads on drinks and wait for hours to sing? I was there from 10pm to 1am and got one song, as did every one else. BUT the DJ, well, he sang 4 times. Hearing a German sing Frank Sinatra and Jerry Lee Lewis (with heavy accent) would piss you off too!

Not sure how long you have been reading this blog, but I wrote about this Dj waaay back, his girlfriend is always there and hates all females that come to sing, last time I went there to sing, he yelled at me the WHOLE time I sang that I wasn’t holding the mic correctly- both songs I sang had him screaming at me in the background- he is one angry KRAUT.

The two photos above: That is Asita sitting in the shoe shine chair. The Irish Pub is inside the Europa Center, Berlins answer to a mall (we have Wallmarts bigger than this “mall”) . Then that is Aista and I holding onto eachother in the pub, kind of holding on for dear life as so many creepy guys were trying to chat us up, I mean CREEPY.Even Fricky was afraid of the guys! It was so fun hangin’ with Asita again, if she dyed her hair platinum blonde, she would be a dead ringer for Mae West, I SWEAR. She is very sharp tounged like me and is a rock chick, which I love. I hope she comes to NYC to visit me, I will show her a good time.

Last but not least, I took this photo of Jasmine the other night  and she HATES having her picture taken and didn’t care too much for my hat either. Jasmine looks just like her father, Benjamin. She has naturally curly hair but hates it. She would like it to be straight. I tell her many women PAY for spiral perms to have hair like hers, she isn’t interested in that. Ah, teenagers. I love her to death.

This blog took me 3 hours to do; the photos and writing etc. I am now back on my bad sleeping habit schedule. It is 7:30 AM so I have to get my ass into bed. Keep those “product ideas” coming, I am grateful 🙂

“Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry- love is all, love is you” Beatles

xx Dr. Dot


Q Magazine and our new assistant TERSA from Dallas

Tersa passed her Dr. Dot team massage audition with flying colors. She is talented and strong, ready to spoil and heal you when you are in Dallas. I am happy her healing hands are now part of our team and trust her to handle you with care. If you are in Dallas or plan to go there soon, drop me a line drdot@drdot.com  and I will arrange to have Tersa give you a treatment. Read more about her below.

Here she is

My name is Tersa. I am a Registered Massage Therapist in Dallas Texas. I have been practicing massage therapy since 2001. I specialize in Performing Artist Body Therapy. Working with dancers and musicians. Working with local musicians here in Dallas has given me the opportunity to gain experience in order to help performing artists with their specific needs. I use techniques from some of the different modalities that I have studied such as sports massage or myofacial release. Right now I work within a rehab environment doing massage as part of the healing process for hand to back injuries. I love being able to help someone become better.  I am currently studying Neuromuscular Therapy to better help the people I work with. I truly believe in the old saying “Knowledge is Power.”  When I was just a kid I knew I wanted to be part of the music world and wasn’t sure how. Then I went to study massage therapy, I knew then how I could help and be part of that world. That is why when I read about Dr. Dot I was happy to see someone else had made their dream come true as well.


Guess the new issue of Q magazine is out-

Hi Dot

I hope you’re enjoying Berlin. I just saw the new issue of Q magazine. It’s on the newstands here now. It has the picture I took of you in it. I don’t know what you’ll think, but I think you look great.

best wishes

Rob
http://www.robhann.com

Don’t shoot the messenger

I am not 100% sure, but I was told the segment I did for VH1 called “The Fabulous life of Hip Hop Super Stars” will air tomorrow, April 4th at 1:30 pm EST (NYC time!) on VH1. I am sure I am only to be seen for a few minutes, but if you are home and laying on your sofa, probably hung over from your Saturday night escapade, tune into VH1 at 1:30pm and have a look. Let me know how it was, as I can’t even see it here from Berlin! I hope I wasn’t all shiny.

I have also been alerted that the 5th Wheel episode will “definitely air on April 30th” probably at 1am as it usually does ( so I am not sure if that means it is really May 1st at 1am, or what! I don’t even trust these 5th Wheel folks anymore, they have told me several times I will be on a certain date, and then I alert everyone and they all stay up and watch, and I wasn’t to be seen, so we all wasted precious time.But like I said, I am only the messenger.

My girlfriend, Andrea told me tonight how much the News on TV is upsetting her. The war in Iraq, terror in Spain, trouble in Israel etc. We see it all on TV, but feel helpless, we can not help or do anything about terror, so it is torture to watch it. Even though it sounds really ignorant, I prefer to watch Animal Planet and E! or VH1 or David Letterman, Sat.Night Live, Tough Crowd or the Simpsons, even Conan O’Brien when I watch TV. The news just makes you want to weep!

I told her she should listen to some Frank Zappa to ease her mind. She said she has trouble (she is German) understanding lyrics sometimes because the music to fast or so. Therefore, I will do us all a favor and now add some Frank Zappa lyrics to this blog entree. Frank HATED TV and these two songs below are so perfect for this topic, read em and enjoy.

This one is called “Trouble everyday”

Well I’m about to get sick
From watchin’ my TV
Been checkin’ out the news
Until my eyeballs fail to see
I mean to say that every day
Is just another rotten mess
And when it’s gonna change, my friend
Is anybody’s guess

So I’m watchin’ and I’m waitin’
Hopin’ for the best
Even think I’ll go to prayin’
Every time I hear ’em sayin’
That there’s no way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day
No way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day

Wednesday I watched the riot . . .
Seen the cops out on the street
Watched ’em throwin’ rocks and stuff
And chokin’ in the heat
Listened to reports
About the whisky passin’ ’round
Seen the smoke and fire
And the market burnin’ down
Watched while everybody
On his street would take a turn
To stomp and smash and bash and crash
And slash and bust and burn

And I’m watchin’ and I’m waitin’
Hopin’ for the best
Even think I’ll go to prayin’
Every time I hear ’em sayin’
That there’s no way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day
No way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day

Well, you can cool it,
You can heat it . . .
‘Cause, baby, I don’t need it . . .
Take your TV tube and eat it
‘N all that phony stuff on sports
‘N all the unconfirmed reports
You know I watched that rotten box
Until my head begin to hurt
From checkin’ out the way
The newsman say they get the dirt
Before the guys on channel so-and-so

And further they assert
That any show they’ll interrupt
To bring you news if it comes up
They say that if the place blows up
They will be the first to tell,
Because the boys they got downtown
Are workin’ hard and doin’ swell,
And if anybody gets the news
Before it hits the street,
They say that no one blabs it faster
Their coverage can’t be beat

And if another woman driver
Gets machine-gunned from her seat
They’ll send some joker with a brownie
And you’ll see it all complete

So I’m watchin’ and I’m waitin’
Hopin’ for the best
Even think I’ll go to prayin’
Every time I hear ’em sayin’
That there’s no way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day
No way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day

Hey, you know something people?
I’m not black
But there’s a whole lots a times
I wish I could say I’m not white

Well, I seen the fires burnin’
And the local people turnin’
On the merchants and the shops
Who used to sell their brooms and mops
And every other household item
Watched the mob just turn and bite ’em
And they say it served ’em right
Because a few of them are white,
And it’s the same across the nation
Black and white discrimination
Yellin’ “You can’t understand me!”
‘N all that other jazz they hand me
In the papers and TV and
All that mass stupidity
That seems to grow more every day
Each time you hear some nitwit say
He wants to go and do you in
Because the color of your skin
Just don’t appeal to him
(No matter if it’s black or white)
Because he’s out for blood tonight

You know we got to sit around at home
And watch this thing begin
But I bet there won’t be many live
To see it really end
‘Cause the fire in the street
Ain’t like the fire in the heart
And in the eyes of all these people
Don’t you know that this could start
On any street in any town
In any state if any clown
Decides that now’s the time to fight
For some ideal he thinks is right
And if a million more agree
There ain’t no Great Society
As it applies to you and me
Our country isn’t free
And the law refuses to see
If all that you can ever be
Is just a lousy janitor
Unless your uncle owns a store
You know that five in every four
Just won’t amount to nothin’ more
Gonna watch the rats go across the floor
And make up songs about being poor

Blow your harmonica, son!

And one of my all time favorites: “I am the slime”

I am gross and perverted
I’m obsessed ‘n deranged
I have existed for years
But very little has changed
I’m the tool of the Government
And industry too
For I am destined to rule
And regulate you

I may be vile and pernicious
But you can’t look away
I make you think I’m delicious
With the stuff that I say
I’m the best you can get
Have you guessed me yet?
I’m the slime oozin’ out
From your TV set

You will obey me while I lead you
And eat the garbage that I feed you
Until the day that we don’t need you
Don’t go for help . . . no one will heed you
Your mind is totally controlled
It has been stuffed into my mold
And you will do as you are told
Until the rights to you are sold

That’s right, folks . . .
Don’t touch that dial

Well, I am the slime from your video
Oozin’ along on your livin’ room floor

I am the slime from your video
Can’t stop the slime, people, lookit me go

I am the slime from your video
Oozin’ along on your livin’ room floor

I am the slime from your video
Can’t stop the slime, people, lookit me go



Frank rules!

xx Dot

“So Fresh and so clean” Two new Dr. Dot Assistants

I am PROUD to introduce Kati, my new CT/ NY area Massage Assistant. Kati is as strong as she looks.

She is extremely educated in healing the body and not just humans bodies, she heals animals as well! Kati is a non smoking, no bullshit kind of woman. Punctual and honest, I feel safe to leave you in Kati’s hands.

Let me know if you need a treatment next time you are in CT or NY. Read all about her below:

My name is Katie and I am a nationally certified massage therapist. I am licensed in the states of New York and Connecticut. I have a private practice in Greenwich, Connecticut and lower Westchester County, NY.
I approach massage from an integrative perspective incorporating aspects of both eastern and western modalities into my massage sessions. I am proficient at Swedish/relaxation massage, deep tissue massage, shiatsu, reflexology, and Reiki level 1. I am currently in the process of earning my certification in reflexology. I am also certified in equine and canine massage.

   Music has been an integral part of my life. I have very eclectic tastes ranging from blue grass to jazz to punk to classic rock and most everything in between. I have toured with the Grateful Dead, been to most of the lollapalooza festivals, heard many amazing fringe bands in clubs, and seen my fair share of mosh pits. Perhaps the only thing I love as much as music is travel. I have toured North America, Europe, India, Nepal, and many islands. In the course of my travels I have really enjoyed experiencing the local music and culture.

   Dr. Dot’s massage business seemed like a perfect fit for me. It melds two of my favorite things, music and massage. I feel fortunate to be a part of her team.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Hello and greetings from Berlin!

I want to introduce Maren, a strong, talented Massage/Physio-Therapist from Hamburg. If you and your entourage are heading towards Hamburg, please let me know and I will have Maren healing you with her powerful hands in no time at all!

So folks, meet Maren

 and read more about her below-

cheers 🙂 

 

 Hi, my name is Maren. I am 27 and come from a small town near Hamburg, in Northern Germany.After College, I  completed my education courses with flying colors and I am now a registered Physio Therapist.

I moved to Hamburg and worked in a clinic as a Physio Therapist for a long time. I became bored and saw a chance to combine my two passions, Music and Massage. Now I work for a company that  produces music for body, mind and aerobics. I practice massage there and I am constantly quenching my thirst to learn by taking more courses. I do Lymph-drainage massage, Classic Massage, Sport and Recuperation Massage. I have also completed courses in Sport Physio Massage and Aqua-jogging. I am almost finnished with my Pilates course as well.

Two years ago, I was reading a sports magazine here in Germany and read an article about Dr. Dot. Then I went to her web site and was very impressed by her concepts and ideas.Since then I have seen Dr. Dot in several Talk shows.

I wrote to her and went to Berlin to do the Massage Audition in March 2004. She allowed me to massage her and prove how good I was. I am now a very proud member of the Dr. Dot Team and look forward to massaging you when you come to Hamburg.

 

Hi, mein Name ist Maren. Ich bin 27 Jahre alt und in Norddeutschland in der Nähe von Hamburg geboren. Nach dem Abitur habe ich eine Ausbildung zur Physiotherapeutin gemacht und mit Auszeichnung abgeschlossen.

Ich bin nach Hamburg-City gezogen und habe dort in einer Privatklinik  als Physiotherapeutin gearbeitet.

 

Mit der Zeit wurde es mir dort zu langweilig und ich habe die Chance bekommen meine beiden Leidenschaften , Musik und Massage miteinander zu kombinieren. Ich arbeite jetzt bei MOVE YA!, eine Firma, die Aerobic- und Body & Mind – Music produziert, und bin freiberuflich als Physiotherapeutin tätig. Mein Wissensdrang ist kaum zu stillen und ich bin immer dabei mich fortzubilden. Neben der klassischen Massage, mache ich Lymphdrainage, Regenerations- und Sportmassagen.

Außerdem habe ich Kurse in Sportphysiotherapie und Aquajogging absolviert.

Seit diesem Jahr unterrichte ich auch Pilatesstunden.

 

Vor 2 Jahren habe ich in einer Fitnesszeitschrift zum ersten mal über Dr.Dot einen Artikel gelesen. Daraufhin habe ich ihre Homepage besucht und war von ihrer Idee beeindruckt. Zwischenzeitlich habe ich immer mal wieder von ihr gelesen oder sie in einer Talkshow gesehen.

 

Nachdem ich sie nun in Berlin kennengelernt habe, sie massieren durfte und von ihr noch wieder dazugelernt habe, bin ich stolze Assistäntin im Team von Dr. Dot

So, as you can see, I have been busy taking care of business here in Berlin. The last two days were gorgeous here in Berlin, but I couldn’t enjoy them much being so ill. I have a bacterial lung infection – which I got on the dam plane here! (and the slipped disc is getting better with time). I am on anti-biotics now, so it will only be a few more days of this coughing and laying around like a handi-capped monk.

Jasmine is doing great, learning ‘Wish you were here” by Pink Floyd on guitar and kicking ass in school. She has a 13 year old boy friend now called Leon. I met him a few times already and I approve. Clean cut, preppie looking, tall and very cute. Also, very German. He doesn’t  go to the same school as she does, but lives fairly close. He doesn’t smoke and is super polite. Guess he turns 14 pretty soon.

Moving right along.

My manager and the President of that particular company that produces TV shows ( still can’t say which one) wants me to ask you this:

If you could buy some products of mine, from  my site, what would you buy? I know that sounds so AMWAY, but I have to ask. Once I get some replies, I can tell them and then I get a TV show, so do me a favor, drop me an email and tell me what you would want to see for sale.

I suggested the following: A Dr. Dot “How to massage” DVD and a “How to do your own make up like a pro” DVD, ( naturally they would be loaded with laughs and rock stars)

Also, several Massage oils, cremes and gels 😉   How about my own make up line? Clothing line ( comfy clothing, to massage in, do yoga in, roller blade in). Snotty bumper stickers, my love/sex books, rock star diary, special massage tables made for women with BIG breast and or a preggy tummy?

If you don’t know my email adress, it is: drdot@drdot.com

I would be grateful for any feed back and as I was told, this is the last thing holding them up for getting me a half hour show. Aparently, they make more $$ from merchendising ( like the pop and rock stars do) then the actual show. Ho hum, if that’s what it takes, give me a hand please.

I am staying here now until April 14th, staying longer than planned as usual. I was going to describe to you how last Friday went in that karaoke bar, but it was SO horrible and SO smokey, you wouldn’t believe me. You would get angry reading it, so lets just say fuggetaboutit.

I have been surviving on my Sex and the City dvds, I have all 6 seasons now, and they keep me laughing!

Love from Berlin

Dr. Dot

ps. The group Chicago is extremely under-rated. They are fabulous!!

 

 

 

 



Dear Dr. Dot…..

Dear Dr. Dot,

My boyfriend is not happy with my mood swings.
The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood
it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Manchester

Dear Bitchy,
make him give you your own room, or house for that matter, fuck the diamond.
Dr. Dot

“This city is even too gay for me!”

I haven’t blogged because I have a slight slipped disc and fever since I got here to Berlin. I can not stay in bed though, so I went to KaDeWe, which is Berlin’s answer to Macy’s to stock up on my favorite cosmetics and say hi to all of my cosmetic counter friends.

One of my favorites is Sophia. She looks like Demi Moore and was with me when I celebrated Bruce Willis’s 47th birthday in 1999.

(this is Bruce, Sophia and I, March 1999 at my favorite Italian to celebrate his 47th b-day. Sophia REALLY looks like Demi, but not so in this particular photo. Bruce was busy picking his nose but we shot the photo anyhow)

( which is why I am puzzled at the last US magazine, as they showed photos of Bruce’s latest b-day bash in Hollywood his “49th birthday bash”. Hmmmmm, doesn’t add up. Anyways, when Bruce laid eyes on Sophia, he started to drool and begged us to give him a 4 handed massage together. Sophia does make up, not massage, but he didn’t care. She said “no thanks, I don’t care who you are, I have a boyfriend” which only made Bruce want her more. 

WAAAY off the subject as usual. I got super deals from Sophia this time at her Christian Dior counter and we caught up on what’s new.She told me she moved recently, I asked her “where to” she told me her address, and HELLO! She lives RIGHT next door to me! Super sweet. We joked that I will leave my curtains open and let her watch me undress every night 🙂

I then went around KaDeWe and saw Marcus; I flipped out as I hadn’t seen his queer ass in over a year! He has Latino blood and an American passport and German passport, shaved head, LONG black lashes which I think he has permed and colored and super waxed eyebrows. He is SO GAY. He has worked for Versace and Mac cosmetics and has done my make up for some shoots in the past here in Berlin. We were chatting about the differences about Berlin and NYC and of course had to compare the man scene.

I told him I can NOT believe how fucking GAY Berlin is, even the mayor is a flaming fag who openly french kisses his lover in public for the press. Hetro women are bored as hell here and starving for sex and love BECAUSE 90% of the men (and boys) are queer.

Marcus even told me ” Yes, it is unreal here, it is even too gay for me!!” he went on to say “I feel like a hetro woman in this town and I am a gay MAN!” .  Well, in NYC the gay men hang out in Chelsea and don’t give dirty “I hate you bitch” looks to the women. In Berlin, you have to put an add in the paper to find a hetro man, or date 18 year olds who don’t know they are gay yet, then at least you can have some sex for a year or two with them before they find out they are really into hairy balls instead.

If they aren’t gay, they have at least tried sex with a man. Oh so open minded. “Well, I have gotten a blow job from a guy before, but I prefer women now” is a very popular sentence you hear in bars here. In NYC it is really RAINING men, straight and gay. No shortage there!! No wonder the women in NYC walk around smiling, they are satisfied, like they should be. A GIANT selection and the competition there makes the men behave ( polite, generous, ambitious, clean, talented, funny). Here in Berlin, the hetro men KNOW they have the market cornered and act like fucking snotty British pop stars. They MAKE the women pay their taxis, rent, meals, etc. They are running the show. But Berliner women don’t know any better, so they pay and pay and PAY. The black American dudes here, left over from the Army, are in HEAVEN, they are juggling 4 or 5 women at a time. I know some of them and I wind them up about it, we joke about it and they tell me they call the brothers back home and tell them to get their asses over here, as it is raining women for them (German women LOVE, and I mean LOVE Black American men!!!!).

I have loads of ‘grumpy Berliner’ stories to tell you about, getting screamed at on a regular basis here, you know, the usual day to day shit you encounter here, but I decided, ill or not, I have to go out and karaoke with my strictly karaoke friend, Fricky.

Jasmine is fine, gorgeous and talented.It is so fun to be with her and witness her chaos. She learned Imagine on the guitar, even though it is a piano piece, she can play it on guitar.

If there is spelling mistakes in my blogs, it is because there is still no spell check yet, so excuse me.

It is grey, FREEZING and expensive here- don’t even bother coming unless it is june, july or august.

-missing the US

Dr. Dot

Banished to Berlin

I am packing now, off to Berlin for 3 weeks. I have to get Jasmine in line. She is almost 15 and thinks it is ok to sleep at a boy’s house. Her father thinks its ok too. In fact, I am the only one who doesn’t think it is ok! Over there in Germany, kids sleep over each other’s houses (boys and girls mixed) from early on. I am probably getting paid back for all of the times I slept over at boys houses at age 14 WITHOUT permission, on the sly, so now I get it back BIG TIME. Jasmine AND her gal pal slept over a boys house last night, I freaked out because it is a school night AND it is a boy. Hard to crack the whip from over here, but she refuses to move to NYC and we all know it is not a good idea to rock the boat at such a fragile age.

I however, can NOT live in Berlin anymore, I sank into deep depression living there and having had two parents take their lives, I decided I should get out of such a situation before it turns deadly/dangerous and all that. I stayed there for 13 years and still have a flat there, so Jasmine was raised by both parents, in one city and had a very stable life, almost like Mr. Rogers neighborhood ( throw in a few rock stars coming over for a massage) compared to my child hood ( 15 schools in 12 years of school, children’s home, trailers etc). So I gave as much as I could. She is welcome here in NYC anytime and I go to her every 3rd month.

You should live WITH your kids not FOR them (I was told that years ago). Germans let their kids sleep over each others house and think it is better to allow them to do such things so they don’t hide it and lie about it. I see their reasoning, but the prude New Englander in me thinks it is an invitation to under age spit swapping that could go further if the hormones are in high gear. Guess the times are a changin’, and fast.

I can’t wait to get there and play the domestic goddess (* name my aunt uses for her catering business) and cook and clean, care for Jasmine, wait on her hand and foot. I do miss that badly. But I do not miss being there amongst stubborn, grumpy Berliners who smoke heavily in every restaurant and who would DIE before admitting they are wrong. I will make the best of it though. Wish me luck.

Yesterday was action packed. You know I usually go to bed at around 6 or even 8am, well yesterday I got UP at 8am, jogged, got gorgeous and drove about 100 miles an hour to my 11am appointment with a HUGE TV company ( my manager forbids me to mention what company) and chatted with the charming president of the company. They want to do a show with me, a weekly show, not sure what concept though.

He asked me (honest) to post it on my blog, he told me to ask you what YOU want to see, what would make you laugh, what would help you, etc. They have done this before for many successful shows, getting feedback from the people and so I am asking for ideas. I suggested that I go to peoples houses or so, in times of need ( family feuds etc) and help out, and also sometimes film backstage, you know, hands on and all, interviewing during the massage or during a make over, etc. But we need more ideas. Any ideas and concepts would help! My email address is in the contact section of my web site. Cheers 🙂

Oh, after the meeting, I rushed WAAAAY down town to a VIP fitness studio (gym) called Peter Anthony’s on 89 Franklin street. It is so exclusive; they don’t even have a web site or advertise. It is 3 floors of working out paradise. They train a lot of stars and rich folks there.The owner, Peter, let me film there for over 4 hours with A & E TV ( remember I told you I was going to film with them?). A shout out to my good pal Steve Mercinzky for hooking us up with Peter Anthony.

I did a make over on Jesse, my assistant who normally never wears make up. Click HERE to see her after the make over. Well, we had a blast. I did a mini facial on her, then her make up and hair. Then I massaged Seth, the singer of MENSCH for the cameras. I was beyond tired and delirious by this time, but oddly enough, that is when I give the best interviews.

Then we went out to eat at a near by Greek restaurant, and eventually ended up doing karaoke because Jesse started singing in the Greek place and said she was no stranger to karaoke, well, you know me, that’s all it took to get me to stay up longer and go sing. I sucked big time at “When the Levee Breaks” ( my voice was GONE by that time) but redeemed myself with “Me and Bobby McGee” which I am always great at. Jesse was approached by one of the drunken Irish tourist. He goes “I just signed us up for Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock”. Jesse was about two sheets to the wind by now thanks to all that red wine at the Greek place and I simply said “GOOD LUCK with that song!!” Sheryl Crow may seem easy to sing, but she is SUPER hard to do.

 This is Jesse and I in the karaoke bar

She got up there with ye Ol’ drunk Leprechaun and kind of just froze every time it was her part to sing. I went and lent her a hand for a second and she said “no, I got it now” and then froze up again. She didn’t say much, just stood there looking like a UFO was about to land in the karaoke monitor. It was so funny- and the Irish dude sang REALLY badly. He ended up singing both parts, Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow.

My massage assistant Stephanie up in Boston is super psyched, I sent her to massage Sir Sting on Monday night at his sold out show in the Orpheum Theater. And I sent Felicia to massage him last night (Wednesday- St. Patrick’s Day) in Wallingford, CT (of course, another sold out show). Felicia bought his book and new CD for him to sign and he did. They were both amazed at how fit and polite he is. Now he is off to Toronto, I think they go all over Canada now. I will massage him again in Berlin in June and bring Jasmine to say hello, she will love that.

The A & E show I filmed “Star Treatment” comes on at NYC time; they said they won’t show my segment for about 6 months or so. And I have no idea when that VH1 show I did will air, that one is called “The Fabulous life of Rap Stars” that should come up soon. I have a small part, just a few minutes chatting about what Rap stars I have rubbed down and while I am being interviewed, I am massaging Cooper, my Fitness trainer assistant.

If all goes well, I will be back in NYC April 5th. Hope my assistants can hold the fort down while I’m away!

Dr. Dot

 

How to reply to annoying chain mail

Hello, my name is (insert your name here)  and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send”his” email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

“Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!”

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Fuck them.

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends,and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 yearsand whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Have a nice day.

P.S. Send me 15 bucks

A shout out to Steph for her kick ass sense of humor

Dr. Dot