Tag: blog

Posted on

TOOL with a dash of MOTORHEAD

I should actually be posting my Herbie Hancock Blog, but it's sooo long I thought I should post this short one first. I have been ill (Pnuemonia) since Halloween and just now feel better and of course as soon as that happens, all the work I could wish for falls into my lap at once. I am off to massage Herbie Hancock and his band (Nathan East, Vinnie Colaiuta and Lionel) this coming Thursday. I will fly to Naples then stay there for 4 days with them (well, I will share a room with my lovely massage assistant, Melissa who lives in Italy) and they she and I will head north to maybe massage them again in Milan or just wing it and tour around. I haven't been to Italy since I massaged Bruce Willis in 1999. Since I am 50% Italian, I figure I should go and refresh my memory as to how gorgeous it is there, while working at bit at the same time.

Anyhow, since I will be seeing Herbie and co. soon, maybe I will just wait until I get home from Italy to do one giant blog. Meanwhile, one of my closest friends in the Rock scene called me Sunday.. Phil, the guitarist of MOTORHEAD. In case you thought that all REAL rock stars have turned into PC loving vegetarians who are too domesticated to destroy things, I just wanted to let you know, Phil is STILL the real deal, the typical Rock Star in the flesh. He loves to shock people and NOTHING embarrasses him, so as you can imagine, it's tons of fun to hang out with Phil. One time, in Germany, he bought one of those candy bikini's and wore JUST that and a pair of snake skin cow boy boots and walked into the gas station and was browsing magazines and drinking coffee for a good 20 minutes. Every German who walked in almost shit themselves. Phil is HILARIOUS!!

Phil invited me (last minute as usual) to go with him tonight (well, Dec. 4th) to Lepzig to join him for a TOOL concert. He said he would be going on stage with them and playing one song with them (which would be the 2nd time this week he has jammed with them). I have never seen TOOL live, so even though I was MAD busy preparing for my trip, I agreed and Phil, his body guard and two German pals of Phil all crammed into a tiny ass car and drove from Berlin to Leipzig. We were told it was only an hour drive. WRONG answer. It took 2 hours and being cramped up like that makes me batty, but Phil kept us laughing the WHOLE trip.

Out of all of the bands I have met and massed over the years, I would have to say TOOL is one of the hardest bands to meet. I met them because Phil brought me backstage and introduced me as he and the guitarist, Adam went over last minute details. But most people will not meet Tool, it's just not going to happen unless you KNOW them. They love their down time and the backstage area is controlled like the press pit at a sold out Stones show, but tighter. I was wondering what the hell all the hype is about this band and tonight, well, last night, I was going to find the fuck out.

Phil is like a groupie for this band. He LOVES them. In fact, he said about a hundred times, that TOOL is his favorite band. Phil jammed with them during their 6th song, so before that we (Phil, his body guard- also named Phil and I watched the show). What pissed me the fuck off and annoyed me to bits was the singer. Sorry, no ass kissing here. He didn't look at the audience ONCE. He had this gas mash on that has a microphone welded into it. Hard to explain but imagine someone wearing a big ol' gas mask and then having half of a microphone sticking out of the mouth piece. He NEVER ONCE took that ugly thing off. He had a fake Mohawk on, no shirt and TIGHT, peg legged jeans with cowboy boots. EH? WTF?

He sang mostly to the back screen, which had images flashing on it the whole time. A mix of Grateful Dead hippie lights with nasty Marylin Manson type images mixed in. I know, I should be grateful that I saw their show for free,. blah blah, but this singer irritates me like a yeast infection gone wild. I stood part of the time next to the stage. Backstage but next to it, so you can see the show from the side. Guess what Mr. Slim Cut Jeans did when he was bored? He bowled. He had his assistants all decked out in scientists coats and one of them had the grueling task of setting up 12 (or 16?) plastic bottles of Evian like bowling pins OVER AND OVER AGAIN, the whole show long, so the singer could roll what appeared to be a white roll of electrical tape into the bottles. Naturally all of his paid help had to watch each time and praise him when he scored. Some people were moaning that Jennifer Lopez  is a Diva because she hired a man to tweak her nipples during her video shoots to keep them perky, I don't see the fucking difference in Diva behavior, sorry. The band is talented… But the singer, in my opinion, looks like he just got out of the army and can't decide if he wants to play cowboy or Indian and I find it fucking arrogant that he never once faced the crowd or removed his mask. Whatever! Light show, well, it was rad, but I've seen it before at many Pink Floyd shows and in fact, the music reminded me of a mix of Pink Floyd peppered with Marylin Manson and Radiohead. NOT original at all. 

Again, the drummer, bassist and guitarist are outrageously talented, loved them…

The Holier then though sought after pass ^  and Phil, showing me his new Pirate style jacket  ^

^ Phil has me in a head-lock…. and Adam (they are buddies). Adam was wondering if I would put him on my massage flyer. I told him "No, not unless I massage you".

I am wearing a Frank Zappa shirt that a girlfriend made for me. Thanks Ines. Last night, Dec 4th, was Frank Zappa's death anniversary:

(born December 21, 1940, died December 4, 1993). I asked Adam if he ever listened to Frank, he said "a bit". Phil is a Zappa fan. yay!

 ^Phil explaining how Ahmet Zappa wants him to play on his album and reciting some of the obscene lyrics 🙂

 < Adam is very polite, nice guy.. (needs to dump that singer though)

It is now 7:35 am and I am STILL UP. Have to get up in a few hours and massage at the MOTORHEAD show here in Berlin..ttyl

Posted on

Ask Dr. Dot


Q.
My girl and I are very much in love, so there's no problem in that respect.
The thing is, we've had better sex before, in that she used to cum once or maybe
twice 'per intercourse' 🙂 but now I can't seem to satisfy her so much
anymore.
It seems that I cum too fast, it's like I've trained my body to enjoy too much
too fast, or she's just too good. How do I get to please my woman again?
Thanx! Quick Shooter Shane

 A.
You should "train" yourself to eat her pussy until she cums before you
even get in there, where you "accidentally" cum to fast. Make it your
goal to hear her scream and moan with pleasure, then celebrate your
victory by giving her a good dose of your liquid love.

Q.
I have a problem I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and in
those two years of having sex with him I have not came ONCE! I don't know what
the problem is. When we have sex i cant feel anything its like it is 'numb'..
please tell me what my problem..
Numb Nelly

You could get a MAN DOLL and practice on him ^

(click on link to get one ^)

A.
Sounds like you are with the wrong boyfriend if 2 years have gone by, no
orgasm and you "can't feel anything".
Ask yourself these questions: Have I climaxed with other men in the
past? and Can I make myself cum?
If the answer to both of these questions are yes, the problem could be
he isn't doing you correctly, you need to speak up and show him
EXACTLY how to make you cum. If the answer to the questions is NO,
then you need to spend more quality time alone, working on how to
trip your own trigger, then once you learn that, integrate it into
your sex life, making sure you show him everything.
This "numb" feeling and the fact you can't feel anything could
mean he is too boring and/or small for your snatch for you to be shagging him.
"I've gotta spot that get's me hot, and you ain't been to it"

Q.
Prior to me, my ex-girlfriend dated guys with bigger penises than mine. She
always told me it was tiny to just tease me and when I broke up with her she
told everyone I had a small one, and my friends never stopped picking on me
for 3 years. I know I’m a little over 5 inches and that should be around average
but being told you have a small penis for 3 years will subconsciously make me fear
it is, even if I know it isnt. But now, I have a new girlfriend, I really love
her and she loves me, and I cant describe how compatible we are on a sexual
and sensual level and when were kissing, but I just found out that her ex and
first boyfriend had a 9 inch penis (despite knowing you should never ask about
exes).
We haven’t had sex yet, but were both nearing the point where we want to. Will
my 5-inch dick satisfy my girlfriend, even if the guy before me had a long
willy? Does the vagina get bigger after a big one? She also told me her and
her ex never finished actual intercourse, despite trying many times, because it
was painful for her. I understand that this may just be my ego talking, because it
just might be big-mouthed ex-girlfriend all over again, but even though, I
really want to give my woman the best mind-blowing sex ever. I bet I can give
her a rocking time with foreplay or going down on her, because kissing for the
two of us is amazing and only fuels our passion even more… but I just want to
know if I can still pleasure her in actual intercourse. And I can’t go down on
her because she thinks its disgusting. So all I can do is foreplay, play with
her down there, and intercourse.

A.
Telling a new boyfriend about her ex's big cock is just as mean as you telling
your new girlfriends that your ex was a rich model, it's just plain evil.
You should stop them in their tracks when they do this and tell them
"uh that's too much information darling", OR "that's so funny you say that
as my last girlfriends pussy was MUCH tighter than yours".
You have to convince her to let you lick her pussy. This will be your
golden ticket to winning her over for good. Massage her feet for over 20
minutes,
while she sips some gorgeous red wine. Lick and massage her calves, thighs,
she may not notice when you start to lick her clit, nice and slow, like cow with a
big tongue. You simply have to convince her to let you try.
Don't worry about your cock size, as long as it stays hard and you make her
cum, that's all you need.
You should be happy you got rid of that mean HOLE who made fun of your penis
size.

  < Mean hole


Q.

I've been seeing this girl for a while now, we met, started kissing…..later
on sex…you know the score, took our time etc etc. Now when she first started
blowing me she did not swallow. I did'nt mind cause cum dont taste that good
to me.
Now we have been together for 3 months she has started to hold my balls look
me in the eyes and swallow. It makes me feel great. I feel in love with her within
weeks. I was not sure how she felt about me, i guess i am trying to ask is
does the fact that she has started to swallow (and give other extras in bed) point
to the fact she is really falling for me. A friend ( a girl) told me most girls
only swallow for guys they REALLY like.???
Spunky Steve 

A.
Woah "Cum don't taste that good to me". Bravo for admitting you taste your own
spunk, takes a real man to do that. Well, I'm guessing it's your own spunk you
are talking about (?).
Anyways, YES!, it means she digs you now, she accepts you and every drop of
you. Now don't fuck it up by asking her "Do you love me?". Just enjoy!

< If she swallows, it means she likes you

Posted on

The last few weeks (JEFF BECK / BITCHFEST/ BB KING) 2006

It’s embarrassing how much time has passed since I met and massaged Jeff Beck and I am just now blogging about it. I think it was 8 weeks ago? This show was July 15, 2006.

Nevertheless, he is fresh in my mind. Jeff is SO FUCKING FUNNY, he could just hang up the guitar and do comedy, but his main passion, I found out, is restoring old

cars, working on them, making them gorgeous… I think he LOVES music, but just does it still to support his car hobby  🙂

 

The man hasn’t an arrogant bone in his body, so polite and humble, so real, so fucking cool! I was in heaven that day, sun was shining, Jeff Beck on guitar, Vinnie Colaiuta on drums, the band was amazing. Buddy guy opened and I could HEAR him play through the open window in the dressing room (it was an outside gig at little castle) but I couldn’t see him as I was busy massaging Jeff and Vinnie. I know Vinnie from his days with Zappa and then later, Sting. Vinnie is hysterical as well, so my face hurt from laughing the next day.

Jeff told me a lot of funny things that happened to him in his life and about his relationship with Roger Waters, who I had just massaged recently as well. Roger is a HUGE Jeff BECK fan and he “felt honored” to have Jeff play on his ‘Amused to Death’ album. A LOT of people want to hire Jeff, but he is simply too busy and sometimes can’t be bothered. He does what he wants and when he wants it, but is never arrogant about.  I have heard first hand that he was chosen to be the next Rolling Stone after Brian Jones died; but Jeff just never hung around for the audition. He just didn’t give a shit.  It’s an amazing balance he has, being that confident but not at all arrogant, one that I have seldom come across in show biz. I doubt he has any enemies, they all love him and want him to play with their band, but Jeff is hard to get, just naturally, not a calculated hard to get, if you know what I mean.

;;

;;

The show was predominately male (ladies, keep that in mind, if you want to meet COOL men with great taste in music, go see ANY Zappa tribute band, Steve Vai and/or

Jeff Beck in concert, you can have your pick!). Jeff’s show was only instrumental. He said sometimes he has some woman on tour with him singing (Beth Hart)

and she sounds ike Janis. Of course when I heard that I sang him a few bars of Bobby McGee and told him I am for hire (heh heh).

I stood in front of the stage watching him in awe and my friend was chatting a bit to me (not loudly) about something that had just happened in the crowd and a

Jeff Beck fan screamed “How the FUCK can you talk during a Jeff Beck guitar solo!????”. Nuff said.

“

Vinnie warming up backstage   

                                                                                                        Vinnie is So adorable, so fucking fun! Last time I saw him was when he was on tour with Sting, and I think that was 9 years ago. He and Terri Bozzio are the best drummers around (yes, I LOVE John Bonham, I am talking living drummers). Vinnie doesn’t even know how many fans he has. He just plays, He is so straight now, no booze, no smoking, just music and that’s it. Sooner or later the rockers realize they have to get and stay healthy if they want to remain in the strenuous rock and roll circus and that includes getting a massage whenever possible. They know when I am around, they are in for extreme deep tissue and they know I will make they cry like babies. They love it. My massage team is known for it’s brutal capabilities and we have been labeled the ‘Pit Bulls of Massage’. Music to my ears *sigh*.

If you want to hear Vinnie on a great Frank Zappa cd, just get “Joe’s Garage” and you will see why he is so sought after….

 < when he toured with Sting

After the show, Jeff and I were standing in the production office and he was pouring very expensive champagne into my glass

and my friends glass too (Jeff is SUPER generous!). We were just shooting the breeze and telling jokes when a German security guard came up to

us and since she knows me (I am rather known here in Berlin) she looked and us both and said “well, there are many fans out side and they want to know

how long you will be back here” and before anyone had a chance to say anything I belted out “tell them I am busy and they will have to wait”.

Jeff and I both burst out laughing. That’s the kind of humor Jeff has, not stiff at all, he loves a good laugh. Love him!

 

^  Jeff’s reaction when he found out where the ‘Cosmopolitain’ drink was made famous

After the show my friend (male friend by the way) and I were invited by Jeff to join them all on the bus (don’t make a fuss, just get on the bus) for

some “special” drink that Jeff likes to make everyone. Of course we came along happily, it’s not every day, nor every year Jeff invites you for some bevy’s.

We were all cracking up and exchanging stories,  and Jeff played bar tender. He was so excited to mix this drink for me, one he thought I had never heard of before.

He handed it to me and said “this, my dear, is called a “Cosmopolitan“. Now, any girl who was hooked on “Sex and the City” like I was has heard of that drink years ago.

I was like “uh, Jeff, that drink was made famous on Sex and the City”. He was like “eh?” . He had never seen it. I explained that it’s a show that had 4 women on it and they always talked about men and went out and drank that drink. He went “WOT!??? I’ve been making and drinking a GIRLS DRINK!???” The whole bus roared with laughter.

Vinnie wanted a foot massage on the bus, so I gave him one. He made faces and noises like I’ve never seen before. I said “you sound like me the first time I had anal sex”

Again, the bus was hysterical. I am telling you this lot knows how to laugh, even the bus driver was hilarious.  If you see Jeff Beck heading to a town near you,

it will be worth every penny to go see him, he is the BOMB!!!!

 

Moving right along. I got a new camera, as you can see and I am trying out the video options as often as possible.

This is a view from my favorite town in the USA, Hoboken. Hoboken is better than NYC because it is only 5 minutes away from NYC

yet still clean, safe, cheaper, friendlier, etc. I just LOVE that place… I walk down the street and I seem to know everyone and vice versa.

I love that small town feeling, but I have to have the big city at hand, and as you can see from that video, it’s REALLY at hand..

ps. Flying back and forth is killing me. You can’t bring any lip stick, lotion, powder, tooth paste, you can’t bring FUCK ALL on the plane anymore, which makes my Pet Peeve, flying, even worse now. They do sell, however, expensive as FUCK lotion etc, on board, how convenient, those wankers! Yeah,  you Hetro men won’t have a clue what I’m on about but us ladies/queers know, we need lotion and chap stick at least or we dry up like raisins. I put some lotion into a condom, tied it into a knot and crammed it up my, yeah, there. You have to be smarter than the average bear to make things happen. So I had my lotion! heh heh.

 

I didn’t have much time to play recently in NYC but I did manage to see some of my friends….

 

 

 

This was our official 2nd show as BITCHFEST. What pissed me off is the FUCKING FOG. Here it’s not too bad

but at some points I couldn’t (1) Breath (2) see the audience or my band. WTF!??????

For me the BEST part of the show was watching Jasmine climb up on stage and then crowd surf. Then, during

Back in Black, I did as well. This was my first time crowd surfing and it was fucking FUN! I will do this from now

on. How often does one see a daughter, then the Mom crowd surf at the same show? It was fucking hilarious.

I had to have a word with the German crowd though, as at first the crowd surfing didn’t work. Jasmine and her friends

were just let down, as in, dropped. I was like “hello, you’re supposed to catch and carry the bodies, not stand there and sip

your drinks and laugh”. They finally got the hang of it and it was marvelous. The sound man made a crappy video and sound

recording and when I figure out how to up load it, i will post it. You can see Jasmine surf and then me for a bit too).

 


 From left to right, Vitri (back up vocals, Chrisi (drummers girlfriend, me and Danielle, back up vocals ^

Dr. Cock likes to draw cartoons, this one is of He and I ^                      My friend Martin^  (Aussi)  and some unknown dude backstage

Um, after the show, we had fun with my camera… don’t ask.^

Communication Breakdown
Tush
Move over

Dot welcomes audience

Black Dog
You really Got me < Back up singers come on stage
Heart Breaker < Back up singers
Dirty Deeds  < Back up Singers (leave stage After Dirty Deeds)
American Woman

Dot introduces band

Highway to hell
Helter Skelter
*Back up singers come back on stage, Dot introduces them
Piece of my Heart < Back up singers
Back in Black  < Back up Singers

 

BAND LEAVES STAGE
ENOCRE:
SANSI (drummer) COMES BACK ALONE FIRST AND DOES:
Moby Dick

(whole band comes out now)

Whole Lotta Love
Twist and Shout < Back up singers come and sing and twist/dance

 Our set list ^

I have known “Fricky” since 1992. He is really strange, an artist. He let me draw the Zappa stache on him, yes! ^

Danielle, me and Sarah (she is from Sweden) partied ALL night after the BITCHFEST show…..

 THIMO   my guitarist will cheat on us this Wednesday 🙂   ^ 

Check him out, he ROCKS!!!!! 

  < The newspaper the next day, after the BITCHFEST show….itvch

< BB is the KING!

I saw BB KING live this past Thursday. It was one of the best show’s I have ever seen. He almost had me in tears

when he told the crowd he would never be passing through this town again, as he is “80, almost 81 years old” and his health

isn’t  the greatest. I had to literally swallow my tears. He was so charming and funny how he told the crowd so many tiny stories and

his voice, Jesus, even if he didn’t play a mean guitar, I would pay to just hear the man sing. BB, I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Posted on

Ask Dr. Dot

 

Q.

I live next door to my Ex-Husband with my new husband. My Ex-Husband left me for my sister, so she lives next door with him. As you can imagine the tension is high. Things started happening when my Ex-husband threw a plastic bottle at my car as I left my drive one day after an argument with him. My Ex gets in contact with me regularly regarding our kids, and to complain about my new husband (that he is too loud as he is reshaping our yard with loud tools). There was been so many fights that it has almost ended in violence on several occasions. I am stuck in the middle of all this testosterone. I love my new husband dearly and don't want him to get into trouble, but my ex-husband threw the first stone. My new husband wants to go round with the baseball bat and kill him. What should I do to control this situation
Greetings from Suburbia HELL

A.

WTF? Just move!

Q.

I just met this handsome guy in his 50's.  I want a serious relationship with
him but he mostly fantasizes about us being with another women and me making
love to her while he watches.  Although we have not been intimate yet, is this
possibly a relationship that could get serious without a third party.  Does it
mean that he will not be faithful or is this just a fantasy to help him get
turned on?

Sexy Sadie


 

A.

If you just met him, haven't even fucked yet and he is already trying to drag other bodies into your bed, it's not a good sign.

Everyone has sexual fantasy's but they usually wait to verbalize them, after things start to get too familiar and stale.

It doesn't mean he will cheat, it just means he is very direct, impatient and doesn't give a shit if you like the idea or not.

"Serious relationship"? He doesn't sound serious to me at all and  "Handsome" is never enough, he has to be kind and care
about your feelings. If this is his way of courting, tell him to fuck off.


Q.

I'm in a bit of a situation that's turning' me more gray headed then usual. I can't seem to decide on the best route to take here. I moved back to my home 6 years ago to help take care of my mother, she's 76, gave birth to me at age 40. My biological father was a married man already with family. She raised me by herself on welfare for 14 yrs until she remarried. I was adopted then but never got very close to her husband (who later left her for a younger woman). I returned back to this Podunk hell hole I now live in and my life previously was much different, meaning, I had a good day job, nice apt. and car, lived alone and played in bands on weekends. Now, after 6 years of living with my mother, because none of my family will give the time of day to check on her, I can't afford to put her in a home nor do I really want to. But my personal life has taken a serious blow these last years. I can't have women sleep over under the same roof as mom. My love life has been a complete failure with the girls I've met around here, they  just don't understand my situation.  My guts tell me to spread wings and fly the coop but my heart says it would be mean. I need freakin' advice in a bad way. Some direction, motivation?

Super Son

A must have ^

A.
Any woman that falls for you, will love you even more for caring about your Mom.  It's a VERY good sign when a man cares for his mom, in fact, if a girl wants to know how a man will treat her in the long run, she simply has to see how he treats/talks about his mother. Keep that in mind and you will see your situation as a plus, not a minus. You can't leave your Mom hanging, without her, your ass wouldn't be here. You are doing the right thing and should feel great about it, that will make you shine and hence, attract a lovely lady. You need to sort out the sleeping over situation, everyone has to compromise, your Mom should understand that, in fact, she doesn't have a choice, so help your Mom, but make your own rules about your love life or you simply won't have one. The girls probably understand that you take care of your Mom, but get turned off by the fact you don't have the balls to insist upon sexy sleep overs. Mom is probably too deaf and blind by now to notice any romps you would have at home anyways.

  < Mom won't mind

 

Q.

Please answer me as soon as possible. It's really urgent because I met a man on-line

 and we have been flirting for months. I have a really cute face, but I am kinda over

weight. I am good at hiding that fact with the way I pose in pictures.

Now he has booked a flight to come see me and when he sees my body, he

may freak out. I obviously can't lose 50 pounds in 3 weeks, so what can I do?

Should I tell him now that I am a wide load?

Big Legged Emma

A.

False advertising and on-line dating go hand in hand. People tend to exaggerate and bullshit on-line, so you never know,

he may be shorter than he says or have a limp dick/bad breath. Don't worry so much, just make sure you are fun and if

it does come down to sex, make sure you blow him like you have diabetes and his dick has all the insulin in it that you need,

as in, give it to him good. He won't even notice the extra padding.

Posted on

Ask Dr. Dot

Q.

In your last column, you told a man he could improve his penis strength and size by "using it", you said the penis had muscle. Oh my god, Muscle in penile tissue?—and you are supposed to be a sex expert? The only muscle that I am aware of is the one between your ears. Get a real job where you wont misinform people about important health issues.. Of course,the idiot that posed the question is but one step above you.

Amply endowed

A.

 I don't normally answer already answered questions, but Mr. "Amply Endowed" (all the blood that should be in your brain is obviously in your "ample" appendage), you've irritated me like a fucking rash. You seem to be "unaware" of that giant tool you have. There are a few muscles in the cock, one is called the Pubo Coccygeal (PC), that helps maintain an erection and can control premature ejaculation. The width of the penis is determined by two others; the Ischio Cavernous (IC) and Bulbo Cavernous (BC). These two sheets of voluntary muscle wrap around the shaft of the penis like the belts on a radial tire. When pumped and contracted they give added rigidity and thickness to the shaft. As with any of the voluntary muscles, these can be exercised and both their strength and size improved. Like I said " the more you use it the bigger and stronger it gets". Now, kiss my ass, wanker and stop whining about advice you get for FREE. ps. Since when is the size of a man's cock an "important health issue"?

 

 Q.

I am seeing a married man since 1 year, he often comes to me for sex. I love him deeply and love our sex. I often wonder if he getting any at home from his wife and/or if I am his only Mistress. He says she never fucks him and yet he takes ages to come. What's wrong with this picture? How can I find out if I am the only one, or at least the only OTHER one?

Suspicious Sally

  < Take 'em off Bitch!

A.

You can't gauge how often a man is "getting sex" by how fast he shoots his load. He could be wanking several times a day but no intercourse, which could make him last a bit longer, or have a few different women, you will never know. He cheats on his wife, chances of him being true to you are slim, take off your rose colored glasses so you can see that trying to find out where you stand is a huge waste of time. You can't count on or make demands on a borrowed man.

 

Q.

I have a boyfriend who is incredibly small, I want to break up with him because I can't feel him when we have sex, so how do i do it without being horrible. ….'Don't want no short dick man–Mandy'

^ NOT the right way to let him down easy

A.

 First let me tell you how to avoid this dilemma in the future. After you've kissed for a while, give his cock a good squeeze. If he is either too big *sigh* or too small, slowly end the make out session and tell him things are moving too fast, you have to go. Now, to let the poor fella down gently, tell him you decided you want to be single again, or your ex has won you back. The BEST way to get rid of any man without hurting his feelings is to tell him "I'm tired of sex; I don't just want it anymore."

 

 Q.

 My girlfriend (of 8 months) just told me she is pregnant, even though she was on the pill. She claims the anti-biotics she was taking are the reason the pill didn't work. I am freaked out and want to know if this could be true or did she do this on purpose?

Petrified Pete

 A.

It is true, taking certain antibiotics make the pill less effective. Doubting her about this is not a good idea, all you can do is politely ask her what she plans to do and to avoid this situation in the future, remember, No Glove, No Love.

 

Posted on

Berlin= GAY

I tried to go swimming today and was quickly reminded how GAY Berlin really is:

Then went out to eat at an Asian restaraunt and accidentally saw how they made their "Chicken" Stir Fry

So, as you can see, I am pretty excited about my upcoming trip to NYC this Sunday. I hope to get the freakin' Jeff Beck and

Stones blog done soon. But that Chicken Stir fry gave me a belly ache, so I have to lie down, too ill to blog 🙂

x

Posted on

BITCHFEST (our first gig went over well)

 < Click to hear our band

 

We did LOADS of publicity stuff for our first gig in Berlin. Lot's of TV spots (some were dumb, they had me massage random people on the street in front of the club) but hey, sometimes you have to sing for your supper.  That's Enno on the right. He is almost impossible to photograph, moves around so much.

Funny thing is, Sansi  ^ (guy with hat and sun glasses) is our drummer, but they had him play guitar for this one TV spot.  Sansi doing what he does best at our gig ^

; < I was surprised how packed our gig was

From left to right ^ Vitri, Enno, me, Frank (bass), Sansi (hidden) and Thimo on guitar.                ^Me with sexy groupies/dancers. I was singing Highway to Hell

The first two rows were just press. They stayed the WHOLE show. I poured a whole bottle of water over my head. I was like "fuck it, I'm wet anyways, let's just go for it".

I started with a Frank Zappa t-shirt  ^  (this was made by a friend called Ines especially for me) then I changed into a Motorhead shirt that Phil (from Motorhead) gave me. I ripped it up right before show time. Then at the end of the show I put an Aerosmith shirt on, that was customized by Ines.  I decided to just sing barefoot the whole time and I was afraid of getting electrocuted since I poured all that water on my head and there were wires and cables all around my feet, but hey, I'm still alive.

 

See that cutie in the shiny black rubber skirt? That is Vitri, my back up singer.                                      Jasmine in the crowd   ^ watching me belt out some Janis

 < From L to R: Enno, Vitri, me, Thimo

                    ^ The girls in action                                                                 ^  ANOTHER change of clothes (fuck, I'm worse than Cher!

Not sure if you saw our Flyer but we had a Groupie Application form on the back. Jaeger Meister saw our flyer, found the idea amazing and said they will watch our show and they want to see how we do the Groupie competition. So what started out as just a joke, actually turned into a real Groupie contest. I had some of the girls come on stage and show their stuff. Literally. Our drummer, Sansi, got a lap dance while he played.

           

 Christy came from far away to be there, I was really grateful.                                  ^She shared her tattoo with the crowd and they went WILD!

 

^ Shai and Danielle were part of the groupie game, and made the after show party in our dressing room a men magnet.^ Christy with her brews

< Um, this fella LOVES feet.

I gave Danielle (who danced for me in our version of HOT LEGS) a nice foot rub after the show ^

I have been to WELL over 3,000 shows so far and I have to say, our dressing room party was one of the best I have ever seen. Not just saying that, it really ROCKED! It was packed until 6:30 am!! A  few famous German actors popped in and there were loads of Brits raising HELL all night long. The venue is called "White Trash" and they loved us so much they asked us to play once a month starting in September. Bitchfest will play the first Wednesday of every month from Sept 6th on. I will be doing  A LOT of flying back and forth from NYC to Berlin from now on.

 < Finally some male groupies for us!

 

 Like I said, our dressing room was PACKED! These lads kept pounding the SHIT out of the ceiling all night, singing soccer chants (yay!)

I have written a few songs for Bitchfest. I am good with words, but can't get a melody going. I guess I am too intimidated by my musical heros. I mean, how the fuck can you top

"the long and winding road"? . I come up with lyrics everyday, then send them to my band, and then they put them to melodies. Here is one song I wrote called "Adios Hedgehog" let me know what you think about it. I feel with a name like BITCHFEST I am allowed to vent and bitch in  my songs if I want. We are not the Bay City Rollers ok?

Hey Mr. Bait and Switch, you psycho son of a bitch,
you are shorter than me, that just won't do. Only thing you could do was massage and screw,
and that's just 'cause I taught you to.

Only takes the girls weeks to escape from you. Locking them in your house just
won't do. I hope when you hear this song you start to shake and bite what's left
of your nails, get nervous like you do.

*chorus:
I'm glad it's over, finally sober, not drunk on your lies anymore
This parting has surely inspired, you say there are ten men
at  my door? Send one home, I'm tired

Your music bores, so save your pennies for the whores. Such a fibber,
pretentious Indian giver,

Remember this sound: What goes around, comes around, you vicious little troll.

Goodbye insecure tiny scammer, I hope they toss you in the slammer"

*chorus:
Move on shorty, it's over, won't take your stalkin' anymore
This parting has surely inspired, you say there are ten men at  my door?
 Send one home, I'm tired

 

A few days after my gig, I got into the Football mood (soccer for you yanks) and went out partying big time. I passed by this bar on Oreinienburger strasse in Berlin

and saw everyone toking off this massive pipe and had a go. It's NOT grass, it's scented tobacco so I spat it out right away,  ew! It is a very popular thing here to toke for hours off of these

"Shisha" pipes, the bars and cafes hand them out, it does smell better than cigarettes.

John  from Belfast, me, and Rory enjoy a crowded as FUCK Ku'damm after German just won a world cup game. Here were are again raising hell ^

        Christy took this  ^ shot of me spitting off a very high balcony at Tacheles  <  click to see  picture

Next day Christy and I headed to Fan Mile to watch England play against Portugal ^  (photo taken by Rory)

We were GUTTED when England lost. I feel they had no chance with an Argentinian ref, but what's done is done. We got TONS of shit from German fans the

rest of the night. They were hissing and boooing at us and telling us "Englanders" to go home. Even though we aren't English, I still got defensive at the seemingly

racial tension going on. One guy even tried to start a fight over our English shirts. 'Hello, calm the fuck down', was my attitude for the rest of the weekend to say the least.

 

Rory's photo of me supporting England ^                                                                                                                 the final world cup game when Italy won ^

 

^ Rory took some amazing pictures of the whole world cup Berliner scene, thanks for letting me use them for my blog 🙂

 

Posted on

England are still the real winners in my eyes

Total bullshit. An Argentinian referee (everyone knows they HATE the English) gets rid of Rooney; Beckham was down (got stomped on by Portugal's Nuno Valente… 

THEN the penalty goal was in, but the ref said, well, I wasn't ready, so it didn't count. I feel it was unfair. England should have won. Can you say 'conspiracy'?… 🙁

 Even Mick was "not amused"


Posted on

Massage in Rome

Finally we have help in Italy. I am so happy to introduce Melissa, our right hand wo-"man" in Rome. Why does it take so long to get Dr. Dot massage assistants all over the world? Because I insist on quality and that means they have to be tested/auditioned by me and my team in order to make the grade. I wouldn't suggest a restaurant to you without having tried it myself, nor would I send a massage therapist to work on you without having them auditioned. Quality, not quantity, that's what our team is about. Read about Melissa (and see her picture) below. If you are heading to Rome, let me know, we will set up your massage appointment.

Dr. Dot

ps. Melissa's first mission for the Dr. Dot team was to massage Roger Waters in Rome. Now that's a great first mission.

My name is Melissa and I was born in the states but have been living in Italy since 2005. I graduated from the University of South Florida in Tampa with a degree in dance performance and have been dancing professionally for several years now in the States and Italy. Being a dancer, I understand how important it is to keep the body healthy physically and mentally, seeing injuries occur on a regular basis including myself. For this I decided to enter into massage, to be able to help those around me and really to get a better understanding of how the body functions. I attended  Massage Therapy School in Florida and received my license specializing in Sports massage and have been working with dancers, other artists, and the general public, privately and in centers since 2004. I incorporate several different modalities into my massage depending on the needs of the client; from a more sports/rehabilitative approach to a general Swedish relaxation massage. I fee l very fortunate to have the opportunity to work with Dr. Dot, her team, and all the artists who come through doing what they do. Truly beautiful.

Posted on

Ask Dr. Dot

Q.

Me and my boyfriend are both rather young. We have just started watching porn together and it is rather awkward just sitting there watching it, I mean, what does one normally do? It feels odd how we both just sit there in silence.

Wondering Wanda

 

A.

Try doing it doggy style while you both watch your naughty film or lie on your back while he munches on you (you can have your head hanging over the bed and watch watch upside down or look to the side). When guys watch porn together, they just sit there in silence, but when a couple watches it, you are supposed to get busy. Don't ask him, just get naked and into position, he will follow your lead.

 Q.

  I've been with my boyfriend 10 months now, we are very sexually active and experiment quite alot. He's made me cum through my clitoris, however he has never made me have a vaginal orgasm at all, I have also tried to find my g spot myself, they say it is meant tho be about 2 or 3 inches inside you, however i cannot find anything there at all, i am getting very upset and annoyed by this and I am wondering if it is possible that some women cannot have a vaginal orgasm at all, please help me because it is becoming a major concern of mine, thanks Clity Kate

 

A.

 First of all, this G-spot bullshit is highly overrated. When one is looking for mine, it just makes me have to piss. Ditto with all of my gal pals. The clit is like a tiny penis, in fact, some will argue that it IS a tiny penis that just never grew. SO you have to treat it similar to a penis. Could you make a man cum just by touching his balls? Highly unlikely. One of you would have to touch his cock to get him to cum. Same with the clit. He can lick your clit or slide against it while you two are shagging to get you to cum. Stop worrying so much about a 'vaginal orgasm' or your mysterious G-spot and just enjoy the fact that he can make you cum. I know many women who can't cum at all, so count your blessings.

Q.

My boyfriend of 6 years has never liked kissing or giving oral sex.. also the frequency is about every 12 days… he is 51, and all his other girlfriends have complained about the same issues.. is he gay? Curious Carol

 A.

Honey, if you have been dating him for 6 years and still don't know if he is gay, you have serious problems. Gay men don't date women first of all. They like cock. Did you and the other girlfriends stop to think that maybe he is just a man who doesn't like to suck face/pussy? Kissing is extremely intimate as is oral sex. Some people are just not that deep. Like it or leave it.

 Q.

I am 22 and my girlfriend is 21,and she always wants to suck my dick.That's fine but she always bites it. What would you do to stop this?

crazycasey


A.

 Put a bunch of coins in a tin can and the next time she blows you and her fangs dig in, shake the can aggressively. Dog trainers use this tactic but I am sure it will work for your toothy gal. Tell her to roll her lips over her teeth, like she has no teeth, just gums (like that old lady in the film 'King Pin') and tell her not to let her teeth touch your willy. Explain to her that it's is like being in heaven and hell at the same time.

^ Sex with teeth = Heaven and Hell

 Q.

I have been seeing this guy for three months now… horizontally we are a great match and have a lot of fun… vertically, I unfortunately am finding him more and more boring… and he seems to have fallen in love with me… how do I deal with this situation without breaking his heart??? Bored Bonnie

A.

Why not enjoy the horizontal part with him as much as you can and when you are done tell him you have things to do. Keeping busy is good for the soul, so is great sex. It is hard to find someone who is perfect for you in every category. Be honest with him and tell him you love having sex with him but that's about it. Some men don't mind being on call just for sex. Relying on someone to entertain you is ridiculous. Also, in this day and age, if you are up front about wanting to see other people and practicing safe sex, it's not frowned upon to date more than one person (one who is fun, one who is good in bed, one who spoils you, etc). Besides, there is no "Mr. Right" there is only "Mr. Right-NOW".