Category: Dr. Dot

The cancellation of the Love Parade Berlin 2004 has now been confirmed. Berlin (Germany) literally has no money left. They are so far in debt they can’t even pull off their annual “Love Parade” which by the way over the years has become the “Sex Parade”.

Every year millions of people take over Berlin, mainly ravers who listen to Techno, come and party their asses off. The first Love Parade in Berlin that I went to was on the Ku’Damm ( the main drag in town) and it was really fun, it was fresh, new and it had a good vibe ( the photo above is from that year). But then, every July it grew, and too many people would crowd the Ku’damm and it had to be moved to the Strasse 17 Juni, (17th of June Street) which runs through the Tiergarten, similar to Central Park. The Love part kind of faded when it was clearly about sex and drugs. People would fuck and film it in the park and take endless amounts of pills. I went to another one and hated it. No matter what, you lose the people you went with and get squished all day long in the brutal heat. You can’t find a toilet or even water to buy. Everyone is high and trampling over each other.  Soon they got big trucks to carry only the gorgeous and naked. These giant 18 wheelers had to plow through all of these people all day and night long. Many people die at each Love Parade. I am not trying to piss on anyone’s parade, just telling it like it is. It is better to watch the shit on TV, or as I did, enjoy the empty fucking streets of Berlin, as everyone is at the parade, so I took advantage of empty Berlin by roller blading like a maniac all day and night with my skater buddies.

It is really like an ocean of hot sweaty anonymous bodies on drugs. It smelled like piss, beer, sweat and pot, which for some may sound inviting.

 Berlin was left a mess after each parade. Trash everywhere, in every nook and cranny of the park and all over the streets- but the town profited from each parade, so it went on so long. For a few years, there was a nasty thing happening. Some freaks took HIV infested blood, put it in needles and were stabbing random people with it, infecting them. When I heard that shit, I stopped going!

I have been to a Love Parade out in San Francisco in 1987. It was the 20th anniversary to the Summer of Love. I was living out there for 6 months, on Fell Street(when I was a Dead Head-which means Grateful Dead fan if you didn’t know!) the same street Janis Joplin and Hendrix lived on waaaay back in the sixties. That was a real Love Parade out there. Good vibes.

Naturally, the Berliners have to protest everything, so some folks who hated the idea of the Love Parade, decided to make the Fuck Parade. I am not making this up

Fuck parade 2004 “Fuck the Love Parade – Love the Fuck parade”

The date for the Fuck Parade 2004 has finally been set to July 3rd, 2004. Please subscribe to the mailing list to stay informed. Details about the route, infos, the flyer and our goals will be posted there.

I personally have never been to the Fuck Parade, but heard it was even wilder than the Love Parade.

Feel sorry for them, they only smile once or twice a year, let them have their Love/Fuck Parade and eat it too.

I feel like the GRINCH  talking so mean about the parades, and actually feeling some joy that it is not going on anymore, but just for a second.

Perhaps I am feeling might mean the last two days thanks to Sciatica.    “The term “sciatica” is commonly used to describe pain traveling in the distribution of the sciatic nerve. Sciatica is a symptom caused by a disorder occurring in the lumbar spine. The sciatic nerve is the largest nerve in the human body, about the diameter of a finger. ” There, I couldn’t have said it better myself!

If you have had it, you know how it feels, it SUCKS. I have had it since lugging my massage table around on the mini Sting tour I did back in March. Since then I have had this pain and I am going mad.

Not one to take pain relievers, I just suffer and lie around on frozen bags of peas or corn, freezing my ass as much as possible. Stop laughing– I am miserable.

Anyhow, it is 6am, I have to get my frozen ass to bed now-

waaaah  🙁     

Dot

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by
the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him
an entire bottle of laxative.” The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t
treat a cough with laxatives!” The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him,
he’s afraid to cough!” 

( sent to me by my ol’ pal Kathy Amidon)

Like last Sunday, I went to J.J Toon’s in South Windsor (still in CT) for karaoke. As always, Bill was the karaoke DJ and the sound was the best ever.

Even though I was supposed to go with my sister Shannon  she stayed home and I went alone. This is no big deal for me, I go out most of the time alone anyway, but when you go to do karaoke, you are never really alone, the other karaoke freaks all hang together.

I have written about different karaoke places all over the place and kind of rate them, so I thought I would give my 2 cents about CT area karaoke in case you were heading this way.

A lot of things come into consideration when judging karaoke places, you have to consider the DJ, does he or she have an ego problem and want to sing all night long? Are they fair about letting people sing (or do they have favorites and make one wait for hours?). How is the sound? How does the crowd react? What size is the selection?

There are so many BAD places to do karaoke; it is easier just to mention the good places.

In CT whereever Bill is, you will have the best time and sound. He calls his company “Rising Star Entertainment” and if you email him, you can find out where he is workin’ it:

rstarbfee@sbcglobal.net   or call 1-860-568-5814

Bill is the only DJ so far that has all but one song that I like to sing. He doesn’t have “Move Over” yet by Janis, but otherwise he has the biggest selection I have ever seen.

The two best places where he works are 1) Pastoris in Ellington ( can you say “Boon Dots?) it is in cow town but hey, if you are near Hartford, CT or Springfield, MA, it is not that far. He works there on Saturdays, there is a country vibe there, so save your AC/DC for late in the evening after everyone is cocked.

Then there is TOONS on Sunday nights. Tel: 860 289-5457 . Everyone there can see and hear the people singing and they do show love when you sing. There are regulars there that can sing their asses off. One guy is the singer of a country band called Radio Ranch. He is short and decked out in Cow Boy clothing     and I mean big time. He must be around 65 years old or so, and is so adorable when he sings.He and his cowboy buddies do Elvis and Johnny Cash etc. One guy looks and sounds like the singer of Lynard Skynard.A guy named John does the best version of Unchained Melody that I have ever heard. Where the hell is American Idol when you need them?

Another good thing about karaoke in CT now is there is NO SMOKING in the bars anymore. Life is grand!

Other karaoke places in CT:

Cippino’s in Ellington on Thursdays: Don’t even waste your fucking time.No one cares that there is karaoke going on, the sound sucks and most go there just to play pool and seem annoyed that people are singing. The service BITES- they have one dumb blonde who didn’t even know what dry white wine was. Idiots. And to think, a few years ago the place was called “The Country Squire” and in 1984 when I was dating Joey Ramone ( oh yes I was waaay too young to be dating him) I convinced Joey to have the Ramones come and play there at the Country Squire. My whole High school ( Rockville High) came in disbelief. They were not let down, the Ramones did come ( 2 hours late thanks to CT cops searching their van for who the fuck knows what). Anyhow, you would think the place would at least be grateful ( I even had the Blushing Brides play there- a Stones tribute band) but no, they have forgotten and make you wait for an hour to get served, then fuck it up AND they turn the clocks 30 minutes ahead to make everyone get out a half hour earlier ( a typical CT bar trick). All of our watches/cell phones said 12:30 but the clock at the bar said 1am) WANKERS.

Ten East Main: This shit hole is in Avon.I went there Tuesday night ( remember, I got the $198.00 speeding ticket?) . Another case of don’t waste your time unless you live directly across the street and need a karaoke fix. Bill is the DJ here but he cannot rescue the atmosphere. They stick him in what appears to be a hallway that connects the bar to the billiard area. The snotty fucking college kids who all wore Tommy Hilfiger and GAP clothes seemed repulsed that people actually DO karaoke. Most probably got a fake ID to even get in. They would not have recognized any songs written after 1999 and just kept rolling their eyes at anyone who wasn’t wearing the standard college khaki colored mall type uniform.

Free Spirit:Vernon bar that has been going on since I was born.Kenny is the bar tender there, who used to run the Country Squire. He is a HUGE Ramones freak and it was he who begged  me to have the Ramones come to Ellington. They have karaoke on Sundays but it is a weird crowd there. It has always been confusion in that place, no one knows what kind of vibe is going on there. Should you sing Shaggy?50 cent? Led Zepp? They usually play that super annoying techno-reggea shit, I mean the fast version of reggae. Is there a NAME for that shit? It sounds to me like Bob Marley on speed or something. Hate it. I love funk and some reggae, but that shit is horrible. This place was a hang out for coke heads years ago, but I don’t know if it is still like that.It is a dive, everyone knows it, but still goes there.

Colonial Inn:Vernon banquet hall- my senior prom was held there and they do all Rockville class reunions there. They have karaoke there on weekends and it is horrific. All of the polyester clad fat ladies come galloping in after they had their wedding reception or class reunion. Everyone sings in groups of  20 and it always SUCKS. Avoid this place at all cost. The DJ there at the time I went was Cadillac Jack. He likes to sing every 5th song, so the wait is pretty long. He has a good selection but there are too many technical difficulties every time. He has a following, but they are usually very fat girls who love his voice.

Shenanigans:EastWindsor- they have karaoke every Sunday night, crappy atmosphere, all the karaoke fans ( about 10 ) huddle at one table and keep their backs to the rest of the place which hates karaoke. Most go to play pool and eat, not sing. Sound is ok, but they have a different DJ every time I go.It is stiff there, no one has ever let loose.BORING.

The Skyline: Windsor Locks: I could WALK there from my Uncle Jacks, so I have been there a few times. It is FUCKING LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The sound system is the loudest I have ever heard, which means you have to SCREAM at the people you are with and by the time it is your turn to sing, you have no voice left! Bring a pad of paper and pens to write to your friends or a chalk board, you will need it! People hear do a LOT of show tunes and country songs, it is too loud, too light, too fucking annoying. DJ is nice and fair, good selection, but if you would tell him it is too loud, he would probably not let you sing.

Jimmy’s Pizza Palace:Enfiled- this is where I lost my karaoke virginity. My Uncles, Aunt and Cousins all made me get up there and sing.The crowd hated me when I walked in, I was wearing a black rubber ( looks like paten leather) dress ( no cleavage, but short) and had my hair up like Princess Leah. The girls (older,fat lumber-jack types)  at the bar were whipping beer coasters at me from time to time so it was hard to get up and sing.I pulled off a mean version of Proud Mary and that was that. The DJ there is really friendly and makes wise cracks in between each song.He will make you feel welcome, but the crowd there is closed minded and mean. His sound is good, but selection isn’t the biggest I have seen.

Star Struck: Plainville- ( still CT) This is the most famous karaoke place in CT.They have a tiny room when you walk in to practice any song they have before you get up and do it on the HUGE stage. Which I think is great. BUT you will only get to sing once every 3hours of you are lucky. It is crowded and the DJ is a power/control freak and his extremely jealous girl friend is by his side the whole time hating every cute chick who puts a song in. I am not exaggerating. The couple play out their love drama all night. He makes comments over the mic about how hot that girl was or how sexy that version of Fever I just sang etc, and then there is hell to pay from his jealous bitch. It goes on and on and I can’t believe the owner doesn’t interfere. Two New Years Eve’s ago, I went there with my relatives and I waited 2 hours to sing. I put in “Piece of my heart” but when I got on stage, the jealous girl friend played Nelly’s “it’s gettin’hot in here”! I said, hey, that isn’t the song I requested” she said “Too bad, you are singing it!” and so I was up there in front of about 600 people trying to RAP and it sucked bad. They all danced anyways thanks to the alcohol, but it was the only song I got to sing and it was the worst. I can’t do Nelly ok?It is expensive as hell there and they make people kiss their asses to sing. Hate it. Uncle Jack just told me it closed down.It reopened under the name “Club 290″but no longer does karaoke. Glad to hear it, wankers! He said there is a place called “DE JA VOU” OPENED ON RTE 10 right down the road from the old Star Struck. Hope they have different DJ’s this time.

That is enough karaoke chit chat for now. Moving right along.

I will be working Wednesday at the Joey Ramone B-day Bash, check it out:

I have to go and lend a hand to Arturo and the lads. Gotta get movin’

Greetings from Windsor Locks CT

Dr.Dot 

“You don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone” 

How true. So many people writing to me about the same subject, Love. They all have one thing in common it seems. They all want the one they can’t have, the one that is apathetic and doesn’t pine for them. It may be fun and challenging, but I say, just take the one (be it a friend or lover) that adores you.

Why bother longing for a friend or romantic interest that doesn’t care about you? It is a test to your soul: 1) will you take the bullshit? 2) How long will you keep on giving without receiving? 3) Do you need pain to feel love?

I think it is best not to bother with a person that doesn’t want you, appreciate you or give to you like you do to them. Save yourself a LOT of hassle, just don’t take it.

Sure, it is human nature to strive for something that is hard to get, but you have to draw the line somewhere. In fact, I think the man should yearn to keep passion alive, just not in vain.

Ever have a friend that expects you to call him/her more than they call you? Who has time for that shit? It is the yin and yang; it has to be even no matter what the relationship. Sure when one is ill or down, the other should give more, but not long term. Avoid emotional vampires and you will be strong, get respect and love yourself like you should. (I don’t mean wanking either).

I still haven’t been able to download the new photos I have taken since I have been here in CT, but I can post a VERY embarrassing pair of photos that were just emailed to me from an old friend who used to work for the band the Inspiral Carpets. This band had me go-go dance for them on stage in Berlin a few times around the same time I was doing those Madonna impersonator shows

I figure the photos will come out someday anyways, so why not now? Can’t believe the ever-present gum in my mouth and tacky hair/make up. In the top photo I look obnoxious with the gum,hair,phone etc- slap me will you?

Yesterday they showed the Access Hollywood interview and I am sure Chris Botti is planning a drive by shooting on me right now. I cannot believe how our segment was edited; they didn’t even show his interview or name on the screen. This is exactly why it is hard to get a star to allow cameras to film them getting a rub down, because you never know when their bit ends up on the cutting room floor.

Chris was kind enough to let us film in his flat and say how great I massage and pose for photos etc, then they edit it all out? TV can be so cruel; they only showed me for 1 minute (which is better than nothing knowing how much a 1 minute commercial on NBC at prime time would cost). So I can’t complain, but I will complain on Chris’s behalf. That was dam mean of them to cut him out and now he is probably mad- or maybe he didn’t see it- that would be the best thing. I think he said he was off to vacation, hopefully somewhere where there is no TV.

(ABOVE:Chris Botti  in his flat in March )

I did bring a famous photographer with me that loved photographing Chris in his all white flat (Rob Hahn) and I hope the photos appear in Rolling Stone or something.

Last run in with the cops was Friday afternoon; I was roller blading around the Bradley International Airport (International for them means to and from Canada from CT!!). Anyways, I love to speed skate around the airport every time I come here and a cop pulled me over and I said “Sorry, I can’t HEAR you!” due to my walkman blasting out Eminem. He insisted on yelling anyways, so I took off the headphones and asked him what is his beef. He said I was skating too fast and he should give me a ticket.

This happened to me before in South Beach, Miami, but why here? He said he would let me off but to slow down. What is going on here? How can you skate too fast? Or was he just trying to chat me up? He had one of those thin porn star mustaches, ew!

FYI, Lisa is back with the “unemployed, lying,  pot smoking- handsome sponge”, as predicted. She in fact was upset at me for yelling at her sweetie, when it was her who asked me to drive there and tell him how mean he is to her. Never, I repeat, NEVER interfere with a drama queen and her loser lovers, you will end up the bad guy in the end, as for most chicks, Dick rules over friendship more often than you think.I know of so many females that ignore their gal pals the second they get a man in their lives. How very shallow, how weak. No matter whom I am dating or in love with, my girls come FIRST. Friends last forever, lovers come and go. You can give advice to people about a bad relationship or one that leaves them in tears too often, but you can’t make someone quit a bad habit, be it drugs, bad men, alcohol or even to diet, you just can’t. They have to do it themselves. Amen.

Everybody Plays The Fool
Main Ingredient

Everybody plays the fool sometime
There’s no exception to the rule
Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel
I ain’t lyin’, everybody plays the fool
Falling in love is such an easy thing to do
And there’s no guarantee that the one you love
Is gonna love you

Oh-oh-oh, lovin’ eyes they cannot see
A certain person could never be
Love runs deeper than any ocean
You can cloud your mind with emotion

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule
Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel
I want to tell ya
Everybody plays the fool

How can you help it when the music starts to play
And your ability to reason is swept away
Oh-oh-oh, heaven on earth is all you see
You’re out of touch with reality
And now you cry but when you do
Next time around someone cries for you

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
They use your heart like a tool
Listen, baby, they never tell you so in school

Dr. D

Basically I have been on a non-stop karaoke binge since last Friday. The CT girls left Friday night, I met Shannon Saturday night, the Sunday (Mothers day night) was a big blur of *smart food popcorn, cops and what Lisa calls a “sausage fest”.

First lets get familiar with the Vernon, CT terminology, according to Lisa that is:

1) Sausage Fest: When there are more men then women in a place (bar, club, party).

2) FYI : For your information  ( sounds obvious, but people say it all day long around here)

3) Mad Mode: As in “He is in Mad Mode” very angry mood.

4) Pop corn situation: when one or more bags of extra large *smart food are being thrown around your car at once. (Usually MY CAR)  *smart food is a brand of cheese-flavored popcorn

Sunday night at a place called “Toons” we went to karaoke. It was a sausage fest and the sound there couldn’t have been better. The owner, who looks EXACTLY like Eric Idle from Monty Python sang many Paul McCartney tunes (after hearing me do “Oh Darlin”) . Turns out he is a singer in a band and they do mostly Paul and the Beatles, so we went back and forth all night doing songs, it was heaven having him sing “Maybe I’m amazed”.

We rocked that place and I ended up bribing the DJ to stay until 1am ( he wanted to stop at 11pm!). When the place closed, the owner let Lisa and I hang for a while to hear my Beatles Anthology 2 cd (he had never heard it before) and he gave us drinks on the house. The police (who are VERY fucking bored in CT) were circling the place shining their lights into the bar to see what was going on after hours, so we all ducked down out of the way.

When the coast was clear, Lisa and I piled into my CLEAN (freshly detailed) VW Golf. Lisa was steamin’ drunk by now and insisted on calling her freshly disposed boy toy named Steve. Steve has been toying with her heart for several weeks, which always ends in her crying and me Steve bashing to her on the phone to get her strong again.

Steve is an unemployed 33-year-old LOSER, who has several sugar ma-mas all around town. Lisa and Steve have been friends for a few months and he openly told her about all of his sexual escapades, usually one new girl a week, never committing, always leaving them in tears, and ALWAYS having them pay for what ever he does and eats or drinks, basically a fairly handsome SPONGE. Handsome as far as Vernon, CT standards go, which means he wouldn’t stand a chance in any given city, but trust me folks, the pickin’s are slim here, they always have been!

Anyways, Steve has Lisa care for him in everyway all week long and then suddenly, he disappears every single weekend, finally dragging his tired from shagging all weekend ass over to her house Sunday nights to be nursed back to life again. Lisa decided that she is no longer falling for this shit and so she has been ignoring him and she has been in “mad mode” since his last disappearing act.

However, after a few “CC and Ginger” drinks (whatever the hell that is) she was feeling pretty vindictive and wanted to call him at 1:45am. I told her not to, but I had to drive and she did it anyways. Steve drops over to her condo at all hours of the day or night unannounced and is always welcomed with open arms (and milk cartons) but when she called HIM at 1:45 am, it was a different story. “Who the HELL do you think you are calling me at 1:45am!” I heard him yell (he came to her house at 3:30am on Friday night) so she gave them phone to me and I barked at him a bit and gave phone back to Lisa. We stopped at 7-11 ( a shop that is ALWAYS OPEN) and I bought two giant bags of Smart Food Popcorn. I handed the bags to Lisa and she put them on her lap.

She insisted we drive to his apartment (it’s called STALKING !) and I told her it is SO not a good idea, but she REALLY wanted to “just drive by”. She called him again and told him he must come out and he was all cranky and hesitant (read: he had a girl up in his love shack).Lisa was out of the car when she was on the phone and when she got back IN my car, she SAT violently onto the bags of Popcorn and the explosion was amazing.It was snowing popcorn in my formerly clean car.

Lisa told him he MUST come down because “we have a pop corn situation here”. I am sure the guy just came down out of pure curiosity as to what a fucking popcorn situation really looked like.  He came out and all hell broke lose. Lisa got out and yelled, he yelled, then I got out and yelled, telling him Lisa is NOT one of his weekly skanks and the game is over, stop making her cry and using her for food and fun. Well, someone called the cops. He went back into his cave and a bag of popcorn was thrown into the back of his PURPLE pick up truck just for fun.

As we were pulling out, two police cars pulled up behind us, bright lights and all. The first cop, a young hottie flashed his BIG ol’ flashlight in my car and was wondering why the fuck it was covered in pop corn. We were trying our hardest not to laugh. I had told Lisa not to talk much as she was obviously drunk as a skunk. I told the hunk of an officer that Steve usually is the one showing up late at night making trouble and he has been putting poor Lisa through emotional turmoil. Then another cop walked up with the BIG flashlight and puzzled look on her face: “Lisa? Is that you?” . Apparently the female (definitely a dike) officer already knows Lisa on a first name basis. You know you are a drama queen when the cops know your first name 🙂

The friendly female loving cop adored us and totally understood when I told her that guy lives off of sugar ma-mas and is a big fat liar. The angry lesbian with a badge went up with the other cop to talk to Steve and when they came out, they simply handed us a “Domestic Violence Assistance” paper with many phone numbers on it in case someone gets violent I guess. The female cop gave us a knowing wink and told us to go free on our merry pop corn way.

That same night, Lisa’s friend Michael came over to calm Lisa down and then the phone rang and another friend needed us to go help get their keys out of the car, they locked their keys in a car that was running! So we all went (3:30am now) to help and nothing worked, so we called the police (must have been the same police) and they said no way are they coming out again to help us and to finally get our Asses home to bed. Luckily my skinny arm got up under the window and I could unlock it with a few minor bruises to show for it.

Monday night was kind of a rest night, we were at Felicia’s home spa trading massages and laughing up a storm. Then Tuesday night was more police trouble. I swear, CT is such a POLICE state; it is CRAWLING with cops (good looking cops by the way).

I was on my way to Avon, CT to go sing (yes, I am a karaoke addict) and I was given a map how to get there, ALL back roads. I love to drive fast and these back roads here are crowded with grandparents all out for a nice drive, driving SLOW as can be.

The speed limits change every few miles here, and I guess I didn’t notice that I was going too fast. As soon as I flew by the cop car, I knew I was dead meat.

Sure enough, I got pulled over. Huge amounts of blue, red and white lights flashing around. The road I was on has almost NO lights on it so we were definitely the big attraction for everyone who drove by.

The cop (again, young and good looking) asked me for my papers etc, and I asked him if I was going to fast. He laughed and said, “Uh, you were FLYING!”  Apparently I was going 64 miles per hour in a 35-MPH zone. He said he would have taken me to jail if he wanted to, but since I was late for karaoke, he made an exception. 😉

I got a choice handed to me. I could come back to CT on May 24th and go to court and try to get the find reduced (which would probably NOT happen) or I could pay a $198.00 fine within 5 days and all would be forgotten.

SO, I paid the $198.00 today and now it is over with. Last year around this time, I got a $280.00 ticket for speeding and most of all, the horrible fuzzy dice “obstructing my view” (hanging from my mirror). I have only been in CT since late Saturday night and I have had 4 encounters with the police. I better not stay too long here!

Today my “Ask Dr.Dot”column appears in the Steppin’ Out magazine. It comes out every Wednesday all over NY and NJ. Click HERE to check it out.

 Send any questions you have to me and perhaps I can get them in the magazine with a good answer for you.

Off to bed

Greetings from the wilderness of CT

Dr.Dot

Dearest Goddess Dot,

I am in CT now, at my Uncle Jack and Tom’s house. My pit bull Frankie is so excited to see me, he won’t let me out of his sight now