Author: Dr. Dot

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,

poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I can’t write much, it’s 7:30am. This night owl shit is outta control now. Jaquline is in town and wanted me to show her around a bit even though she is jet lagged BIG TIME. We met at my favorite restaurant, 44X10 and   she only ordered vanilla ice cream. I had the same salad I always have there, yes;I am a creature of habit. I think she looks gorgeous even though she hadn’t slept for 24 hours. She looks unhappy cause it was FUCKING freezing in the place. Why do Americans crank the air conditioning and then have the balls to serve ice water? You need to bring a sleeping bag and hot water bottle to eat out in the US in the spring and summer. She was ice cold, too stiff to smile at that point. Anyways, I put her in my hot rod and I drove like a maniac as usual cranking Led Zepp full blast with the windows down and heater on to warm up “Dr. JAQ” as she calls herself now 🙂

 

It was her FIRST time in NYC! She was amazed at the lights and how no one could understand her when she spoke German. She speaks Spanish and German. She kept trying to talk to our waiter in German, needless to say, it didn’t fly. Where are all the Spanish speakers when you need them? Usually I can’t find anyone to speak English around here, they all speak Spanish. I have to learn that now, I hate not being in on the chat.

Then we went to a karaoke bar and she started to grow very tired. She woke right up when I sang “ONE” by Three Dog Night ( I LOVE that song!) :

One

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It’s the loneliest number since the number one

No is the saddest experience you’ll ever know
Yes, it’s the saddest experience you’ll ever know
`Cause one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
One is the loneliest number, worse than two

It’s just no good anymore since she went away

Now I spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday                                  

One is the loneliest, number one is the loneliest
Number one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
One is the loneliest, one is the loneliest
One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
It’s just no good anymore since she went away
(Number) One is the loneliest
(Number) One is the loneliest
(Number) One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do  

 I destroyed that song. Lesson learned, I won’t do THAT song again! Funny, as it sounds awesome when I bang it out in my car. She didn’t sing, sadly. But I did loads of Led Zepp and kicked ASS on Kashmir, Black Dog, Whole lotta love -oh wait, I sucked at the Immigrant Song. Ever tried that one? It’s a tough one. Then later I murdered one more song before we hit the road: “Dream On” by Aerosmith. Once and for all, I have to face the facts, I am NOT Steven Tyler and I better stop trying to sing Aerosmith.

At least 4 people came up to me and told me I look like Adrianne from the Sopranos. I have never even seen the show, but hear that all the time. I heard she got shot in the show last week, so now it will be “you look like the girl who got shot in the Sopranos”. Nice one!

Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin

Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.

                                   

Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
How soft your fields so green, can whisper tales of gore,
Of how we calmed the tides

 of war. We are your overlords.               

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.

So now you’d better stop and rebuild all your ruins,
For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing.

Dottie

Happy Birthday to my Dad. He adopted me when I was 1 year old and he was only 17! Taking on all that responsibility at such a young age. He is a strong man, super sweet and has the best sense of humor. To know him is to love him.

The photo above is of my dad and my step mom Allyson. Directly above is the both of them recently in Thailand. My dad married Allyson when I was 14. She has made him super happy and is a sweet country gal from Iowa. I only know of two happily married couples, one of them is my dad and step mom, the other is my gay uncle Jack and his husband Tom.

My dad is the one who turned me onto Frank Zappa when I was just a little wipper snapper. I am still grateful for that. My dad (Chet) can fix ANYTHING and loves to travel. He was born in RI but mostly raised in CT. He migrated south to Georgia though, where it is TOO hot for me to live. Chet and Allyson have been all over the place, Bali, Thailand, Switzerland, Holland, Germany, Egypt, etc, which is WAY more than anyone else in the family. In fact, I think that Chet, Allyson and my step brother Zack, Jasmine and I are the only ones in the family that even have a passport or have left the country.

Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD 🙂  

I have got to get to bed, it is 6am and one of my best friends (and assistants) Jaquline is arriving tonight at 7pm. She is just spending one night in the city and then she is off to Utah (long story) so I have to show her around a bit in the city. Hope she can SING! 😉

Not looking forward to this Tuesday, when I have to sit 15 hours or so in a couple planes and taxis etc, to get to my flat in Berlin. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I had so much fun in CT visiting my uncles and the wall of dogs, and some very special friends, I almost forgot about the sciatica hell I am in. I have to snap out of it soon, as Sir Sting is expecting a massage on June 15th. Hurt or not, I would never cancel a massage for my favorite client!

The other night I saw one of the BEST movies ever the other night “Something’s gotta give” with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton– absolutely wonderful. Ok, it may be a chick flick, but I found it amazing.

Dr.

Doctor Dot,
What is the best kind of moisturizer for a humid climate? I am tired of feeling dry even in the damp weather! Especially the elbow.
Sandy, Park Ridge, NJ

Hey Sandy,
I personally use an oil free sun block SPF #30 every day when I wake up, even if it is snowing out. Try a few different brands, Clarins is one of the best I find but it is a bit expensive. Use sun block in the day (to ward off any sun damage) and at night rub vaseline on your elbows, feet and other really dry areas, it is the best and super cheap!
Also, drink at least 8 glasses of water every day to moisturize from within and keep popping fruit in your mouth. Tuna helps your skin retain moisture and taking vitamin E tablets everyday will help too.
Avoid taking really long hot baths which will dehydrate your skin, and if you do, rub baby oil all over your body as soon as you dry off to lock in moisture.
Don’t forget toÊuse a loofa sponge to exfoliate the dead skin, if you don’t, it could be making your skin feel extra dry and even itchy. Eucerine cream and vitamin E oil are great for sealing in moisture too.
Dr. Dot

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Dr. Dot,
I have a very stressful job. What is the best way to get rid of the stress before leavingÊwork so I do not bring it home with me?
Laurie, CT

Dear Laurie,
A few good options would be to find a space to lie down on your back and put your legs and feet up against the wall for the last 20 minutes before you leave. While you lie there, take deep breaths and exhale slowly and think of all the good things you have in your life. You can massage your temples while you do this to relieve tension, or if you have the cash, find a Massage Therapist that will slide you in for a 30 minute back or foot rub on your way home.
Try limit caffeine intake after 12 noon. Caffeine makes people edgy and nervous, and ravenous. Having healthy snacks on hand will tame the hungry tiger in you until you get to dinner. Hunger makes any stressful situation even worse.
You could sip St. Johns Wort Tea, or as some call it “good mood tea” throughout your day to keep you in a good mood.
If you have your hair up in a tight bun or pony tail, take it down an hour before you leave and rub your finger tips vigorously all over your scalp to relax.
Listen to calming music on the way home, perhaps some classical music or Billie Holiday, John Lee Hooker or even Reggae, it is impossible to be angry or stressed while listening to Bob Marley.
Dr. Dot

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   For no special reason, I thought I would post this new photo of Jenny McCarthey. It was taken in front of Graceland (so I’m told). I am happy to see her back in the spotlight, this woman is funny and gorgeous- love her! J.Lo has the same undies

And in my opinion, fills them out much better. Love J.Lo’s rump.

Speaking of rump, I have to get off of mine and get busy

Dr.

Ever see the flick “Trainspotting“? Do you KNOW that there are actually people who Train Spot? Let me make this more clear, there are people who stand around at train stations and write down the number of each train that comes in as a hobby. They write about how it looked, how full it was etc. When I heard about this dangerous hobby, I thought to myself “wow, are people REALLY that bored?”. BUT, let me fill you in what it is like in Windsor Locks, Connecticut.

There is NOTHING here really, just one or two bars that also serve food, a Dunkin’ Doughnuts

 ( for the well behaved cops) and a few other places to stuff your face. The main thing in this town is the Bradley International Airport. It is the proud center of things here. Still doesn’t sound strange?

Every time I roller blade around the airport, I notice endless cars parked, with a view of the runway (if you didn’t know any better, you would think there was a drive-in-movie around). There is no movie to watch, just planes coming and going and for some reason, folks around here sit in their cars with the kids and all, and watch the planes ( nothing special, just normal planes) take off and land etc. They shiver with excitement and anticipation when there is a plane about to take off. I just wiz by and wonder how one could get a thrill, I mean, even a TINY thrill as a Plane Spotter. I have witnessed this for years, but only just now decided I had to write about it, as it is just too queer to bypass.

I suppose it is healthier than sitting at home and watching TV for the local families, but it’s not like they are all walking around getting exercise, or even chatting with the next car load of Plane Spotters, they just sit there and drool over the action. I skated today and could barely skate thanks to this Sciatica situation I am in; I felt numb, a bit handy-capped, but never the less, I refuse to just lie around and CHILL. Can’t do it.

I went out, as planned with my sister Shannon and she did have her karaoke cherry popped, and it went over well  I would say, she had the singers version of training wheels on when she sang, she had Doug, a fellow karaoke enthusiast helping her out for “You’re so Vain” . Her first song though, was Elvis “I’m all shook up” . I helped her a bit, not singing into the Mic, just near her, kind of in her ear, as she was lost and nervous. I think she is into it now and may turn into a karaoke addict like me.

This photo is of the people at the bar with Shannon. The chick to the right is the bar tender, who is very cool! Super friendly, no catty vibes or attitude, and she had her first go at karaoke tonight too.  These guys here are karaoke junkies, I see them everywhere I go sing around here. Finally, a few pictures of the infamous BILL, my favorite karaoke DJ of all time ( kick ass sound system, does NOT sing all night, plays fair and has a GIANT list of songs)

Bill, sandwiched between Shannon and I (when his girlfriend see’s that, she will……….

 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even though it’s only 5:30 am,

I am off to bed-  and for my fellow green eyed, Libra, CT born sister:

“Green-Eyed Lady”

by Sugarloaf

Green-eyed lady, lovely lady
Strolling slowly towards the sun
Green-eyed lady, ocean lady
Soothing every ragin’ wave that comes
Green-eyed lady, passions’ lady
Dressed in love
She lives for life to be
Green-eyed lady feels life
I never see
Setting suns and lonely lovers free.

Green-eyed lady, wind swept lady
Rules the night, the waves, the sand
Green-eyed lady, ocean lady
Child of nature, friend of man
Green-eyed lady, passions’ lady
Dressed in love
She lives for life to be
Green-eyed lady feels life I never see
Setting suns and lonely lovers free.

Dot 

This Sciatica thing put me in the Hospital on Wednesday, it hurts to sit, hence, sit and write at the computer. Now that I am back in CT, I saw my favorite, magic Chiropractor

Dr. Sean Noel   (Seen here changing his baby’s diaper ). He sorted me out and now it is getting better. I still feel crooked and wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone(well, let me rethink that one) 😉

This back pain shit better get over fast, as I am flying to Berlin, Germany again June 8th and sitting aggravates the Sciatic nerve situation fast, and the trip to Berlin, from house door to house door will take 15 hours of SITTING. I will drive everyone on the plane MAD and they will all want to kill me by the end of the flight. Up, down, up, down, I will have to be walking around most of the flight, oh I HATE that trip back and forth to Berlin.

A certain Aunt of mine, not mentioning any names, ripped my face off for being a night owl. She is about 45  (I guess) and is  not a blood relative; she is an aunt by marriage. Anyways, I just want to make something clear to the anti-night person muther fuckers out there. Live and let live.

“95% of the world SLEEPS at night!!” she yelled and I told her, well, I must be in the remaining 5% that doesn’t. We all don’t have to march to the beat of the same drum now do we? I would never tell my relatives something like “lose weight or I won’t like you anymore” or “stop drinking or I will disown you” No, I walk on egg shells as not to rock the boat with the relatives as they are all super fucking explosive and sensitive and anytime there has been a tiny tiff with me, the same shit will inevitably fly out of their small town mouths ” Oh go live your fucking Prima-Donna life  Dot!” or “Why can’t you just pop out some kids and get married, settle down, stop that Rock Star Massage and Love Advice bullshit dammit!!” .

Would YOU? What? Just throw in the towel and live a boring life? Settle for a 9 to 5 job even though I don’t want to? I don’t fucking think so. I love staying up all night, always have. I enjoy the silence of the nighttime, walking around town all alone, or writing all night- it is very peaceful. I can’t help it, that is how I have always been. I had to get up early for YEARS for school and for many more years for Jasmine, so  I have been an involuntary morning person before and I hate it!

Being a night owl does not make you a bad person or a party animal, it simply means you have a different rhythm. One other positive aspect, which is truly not important is, you will have great skin for many years to come as you rarely see the sun. I love to stay up and see the dawn, and why waste the dawn?

” I’ll tell you this
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn ”  The Doors 

  I told this particular Aunt who thinks she is perfect, she can keep her conditional love, I don’t want any. Like they say, you can pick your friends, but you can not pick your relatives. Nag nag nag! When I am about to come to visit them in Georgia, she snaps:

                                                             

 “You can leave any skirts or sexy clothes behind, no one here is interested in seeing your body!”. Oh god, kill me if I ever grow to be so bitter and cranky. But then again, if I only got laid once a year, I would probably ( DIE) be grumpy too. If I wrote about the family, the whole fucking family ( both crazy sides) it would be better than any soap opera they have on TV, but I don’t want to get poisoned or sued, so I refrain. Too bad, as Jerry Springer would be calling.

Remember I wrote about Chaunce Hayden, the editor of Steppin’ Out ( he can be heard almost daily on the Howard Stern show) anyways, he has a tattoo on his back, and when I saw it, I thought to myself, “you took the words RIGHT out of my mouth my friend!” It says:

What fails to Kill Me Only Serves To Make me Stronger

Is that the bomb or what? Bring it on I say, bring it on. Anyhow, a few more words about the night owl situation. I read in more than one interview that (Christina is HOT!)

 Christina Agulera will not sleep until the day breaks, as she is afraid of the dark. Not sure if that is true, as you know you can’t believe everything you read (except in this here blog) But that certainly confirms that you can be a night person and be productive. I love to be alone, is that weird? Am I a freak? I don’t enjoy having someone around me 24/7 , I need my space and time alone, every fricking DAY! ( er, night in my case) .

Some folks I know cannot be alone, they freak. I am comfy in my own skin and LOVE to  write. The best time to write is at night when every other fucker is asleep. Sometimes I try to write in the afternoon and I feel like Jack Nicholson    in the Shining. Get me an ax, the doorbell rang again, or telemarketers are ringing my phone off the hook. It just doesn’t work. If you have a night owl in your life, give them a break- to each his own.

I am dragging my sister Shannon out for karaoke tonight, she is a karaoke virgin, I hope to convince her to grab the mic. I went to a place in Springfield Mass last night to sing, called Alumni Club. Don’t even bother to go there until at least midnight- karaoke is NOT a priority here (they close at 2am). No one cares about karaoke until then.

The night before, I went to Ten Pin Bowling in South Windsor (my favorite DJ was there, but it was pretty lame) . No wonder people who live in the suburbs do CRACK. It is fucking BORING! I try to make the best of it, walking my dog Frankie and hanging with my Uncle Jack and Tom and a few friends, but if I had to live here for good, I would be in big trouble. Like they say, ‘an idle mind is a devils workshop’. Thank GOD for the internet and music ( don’t write me and remind me God didn’t invent the internet or music, as I am positive he plays guitar).

It is 6am, time for some shut-eye 

Dr. Dot

The cancellation of the Love Parade Berlin 2004 has now been confirmed. Berlin (Germany) literally has no money left. They are so far in debt they can’t even pull off their annual “Love Parade” which by the way over the years has become the “Sex Parade”.

Every year millions of people take over Berlin, mainly ravers who listen to Techno, come and party their asses off. The first Love Parade in Berlin that I went to was on the Ku’Damm ( the main drag in town) and it was really fun, it was fresh, new and it had a good vibe ( the photo above is from that year). But then, every July it grew, and too many people would crowd the Ku’damm and it had to be moved to the Strasse 17 Juni, (17th of June Street) which runs through the Tiergarten, similar to Central Park. The Love part kind of faded when it was clearly about sex and drugs. People would fuck and film it in the park and take endless amounts of pills. I went to another one and hated it. No matter what, you lose the people you went with and get squished all day long in the brutal heat. You can’t find a toilet or even water to buy. Everyone is high and trampling over each other.  Soon they got big trucks to carry only the gorgeous and naked. These giant 18 wheelers had to plow through all of these people all day and night long. Many people die at each Love Parade. I am not trying to piss on anyone’s parade, just telling it like it is. It is better to watch the shit on TV, or as I did, enjoy the empty fucking streets of Berlin, as everyone is at the parade, so I took advantage of empty Berlin by roller blading like a maniac all day and night with my skater buddies.

It is really like an ocean of hot sweaty anonymous bodies on drugs. It smelled like piss, beer, sweat and pot, which for some may sound inviting.

 Berlin was left a mess after each parade. Trash everywhere, in every nook and cranny of the park and all over the streets- but the town profited from each parade, so it went on so long. For a few years, there was a nasty thing happening. Some freaks took HIV infested blood, put it in needles and were stabbing random people with it, infecting them. When I heard that shit, I stopped going!

I have been to a Love Parade out in San Francisco in 1987. It was the 20th anniversary to the Summer of Love. I was living out there for 6 months, on Fell Street(when I was a Dead Head-which means Grateful Dead fan if you didn’t know!) the same street Janis Joplin and Hendrix lived on waaaay back in the sixties. That was a real Love Parade out there. Good vibes.

Naturally, the Berliners have to protest everything, so some folks who hated the idea of the Love Parade, decided to make the Fuck Parade. I am not making this up

Fuck parade 2004 “Fuck the Love Parade – Love the Fuck parade”

The date for the Fuck Parade 2004 has finally been set to July 3rd, 2004. Please subscribe to the mailing list to stay informed. Details about the route, infos, the flyer and our goals will be posted there.

I personally have never been to the Fuck Parade, but heard it was even wilder than the Love Parade.

Feel sorry for them, they only smile once or twice a year, let them have their Love/Fuck Parade and eat it too.

I feel like the GRINCH  talking so mean about the parades, and actually feeling some joy that it is not going on anymore, but just for a second.

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Perhaps I am feeling might mean the last two days thanks to Sciatica.    “The term “sciatica” is commonly used to describe pain traveling in the distribution of the sciatic nerve. Sciatica is a symptom caused by a disorder occurring in the lumbar spine. The sciatic nerve is the largest nerve in the human body, about the diameter of a finger. ” There, I couldn’t have said it better myself!

If you have had it, you know how it feels, it SUCKS. I have had it since lugging my massage table around on the mini Sting tour I did back in March. Since then I have had this pain and I am going mad.

Not one to take pain relievers, I just suffer and lie around on frozen bags of peas or corn, freezing my ass as much as possible. Stop laughing– I am miserable.

Anyhow, it is 6am, I have to get my frozen ass to bed now-

waaaah  🙁     

Dot

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by
the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him
an entire bottle of laxative.” The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t
treat a cough with laxatives!” The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him,
he’s afraid to cough!” 

( sent to me by my ol’ pal Kathy Amidon)

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(This one is from John the Frank Zappa freak)

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(who the HELL knows where I got this one from)

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(sex in the office)

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Divine Brown, the infamous hooker who blew Hugh Grant a while back, recently gave Bill Gates a blow job. When she was through, he said “WOW! Now I know why they call you “Divine” Brown. She said, “yeah, and now I know why they call you “Micro Soft!”

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