Zappa tribute (Where’s yours)

So, here’s what we have so far. Funny thing is last night my friend Lisa called me in panic:

"Dot! Hackers have got your myspace page again! This time they drew Mustaches on all of your friends faces!"

Nice one. Please add to our collection πŸ˜‰




 < This Zappa tribute was all Snarky’s idea

Back in Black

SOOOOO great to be back in NYC and Hoboken again, the city is so alive, so crazy, so me πŸ™‚ However, I am Berlin bound again on Wednesday, and oddly enough, not sad about it. I am happy to get back to Jasmine again and support her anyway I can. School just started for her yesterday and I should be there now for her actually, but I had people to see here, loose ends to tie up and stuff to drag back to Berlin. I hate stuff. I wish I could just throw it all away, but there is so much of it and some has sentimental value.

Some clothes are too nice/expensive to just toss into the Good Will container (so I will find friends in Berlin who want the glad rags). No matter where I am, I am happy. I used to loathe Berlin but that was because I let a certain someone and certain things drag me down. Won’t happen again. I know how to deal with grumpy Berliners now and I won’t let them piss on my parade. I do beat myself up A LOT though, for "leaving" Jasmine in 2002. I did visit her every third month though, without fail and stayed for 5 to 6 weeks, so, as she said I "was there too often and stayed too long".

 But still, I feel guilty. She says it was good for her, to gain independence. Sounds good, but now I have a lot to make up for. I am there for her as long as she needs me, no matter what. NYC will always be there, friends and loved ones will to. Lots of change going on, but I’m lovin’ it. Letting life’s river flow how it wants. Couldn’t be happier baby …..Love life, health, band, etc..knock on wood  x


Ask Dr. Dot


In your last column, you told a man he could improve his penis strength and size by "using it", you said the penis had muscle. Oh my god, Muscle in penile tissue?—and you are supposed to be a sex expert? The only muscle that I am aware of is the one between your ears. Get a real job where you wont misinform people about important health issues.. Of course,the idiot that posed the question is but one step above you.

Amply endowed


 I don't normally answer already answered questions, but Mr. "Amply Endowed" (all the blood that should be in your brain is obviously in your "ample" appendage), you've irritated me like a fucking rash. You seem to be "unaware" of that giant tool you have. There are a few muscles in the cock, one is called the Pubo Coccygeal (PC), that helps maintain an erection and can control premature ejaculation. The width of the penis is determined by two others; the Ischio Cavernous (IC) and Bulbo Cavernous (BC). These two sheets of voluntary muscle wrap around the shaft of the penis like the belts on a radial tire. When pumped and contracted they give added rigidity and thickness to the shaft. As with any of the voluntary muscles, these can be exercised and both their strength and size improved. Like I said " the more you use it the bigger and stronger it gets". Now, kiss my ass, wanker and stop whining about advice you get for FREE. ps. Since when is the size of a man's cock an "important health issue"?



I am seeing a married man since 1 year, he often comes to me for sex. I love him deeply and love our sex. I often wonder if he getting any at home from his wife and/or if I am his only Mistress. He says she never fucks him and yet he takes ages to come. What's wrong with this picture? How can I find out if I am the only one, or at least the only OTHER one?

Suspicious Sally

  < Take 'em off Bitch!


You can't gauge how often a man is "getting sex" by how fast he shoots his load. He could be wanking several times a day but no intercourse, which could make him last a bit longer, or have a few different women, you will never know. He cheats on his wife, chances of him being true to you are slim, take off your rose colored glasses so you can see that trying to find out where you stand is a huge waste of time. You can't count on or make demands on a borrowed man.



I have a boyfriend who is incredibly small, I want to break up with him because I can't feel him when we have sex, so how do i do it without being horrible. ….'Don't want no short dick man–Mandy'

^ NOT the right way to let him down easy


 First let me tell you how to avoid this dilemma in the future. After you've kissed for a while, give his cock a good squeeze. If he is either too big *sigh* or too small, slowly end the make out session and tell him things are moving too fast, you have to go. Now, to let the poor fella down gently, tell him you decided you want to be single again, or your ex has won you back. The BEST way to get rid of any man without hurting his feelings is to tell him "I'm tired of sex; I don't just want it anymore."



 My girlfriend (of 8 months) just told me she is pregnant, even though she was on the pill. She claims the anti-biotics she was taking are the reason the pill didn't work. I am freaked out and want to know if this could be true or did she do this on purpose?

Petrified Pete


It is true, taking certain antibiotics make the pill less effective. Doubting her about this is not a good idea, all you can do is politely ask her what she plans to do and to avoid this situation in the future, remember, No Glove, No Love.


Ask Dr. Dot (Make it bigger/He can’t cum/It’s TOO big/Buddy fucker)


 What medicine i can bye it to make by cock bigger than now

Shrinking Sal


No, don’t believe the hype. Your cock is just like any other muscle in your body, the more you use it,

the stronger and bigger it will get. Use it or lose it.



 I have a strange problem and hope I am not alone. I can not reach orgasm while making love to my girlfriend. I can easily cum when I masturbate, but just can’t get there inside of my girl. We fuck for hours and hours and she feels insulted that I don’t cum and I get embarrassed. What can I do to fix this? Is it because I am already 45? Are my breeding days over or what?

Discouraged Dante


I may sound like a prick, but it could be you are with the wrong partner. I assume, since you are 45 and just now have this problem, that you have shot your load into a few women in the past. If you are attached to this woman, then stop stressing, tell her to stop stressing and try different positions that make your cock think it’s safe in your wanking hand. She should count her blessings that she has a man who can go on and on without cuming. Tell her your glass is half full, not half empty.


 Hey Doc, my boyfriends dick is too big. It hurts a lot when we fuck. He wants sex all the time, but I try to avoid it as my crotch hurts for days after. I am otherwise crazy about my semi-rock star boyfriend. Is there anyway to make it less painful or to stretch "it" out so he fits in there better?

 Tiny Tess


Too big? Give him my number. Just kidding. Most women pray for such a tool, hard to imagine it being a burden. Try to avoid doing it doggy style, as this is the posistion that makes even tiny tooled men feel bigger. You could do it in the missionary posistion with LOTS of lube and/or be on top, squatting, so you can control the depth and speed of the penetration. If you blow him for a long time it shouldn’t take him long once he is inside, hence minimizing the pain.


 I want my guy’s best friend. I HAVE to have this man. He is hotter, smarter, just cooler. How does one do that without hurting anyone?

 Sexy Sadie

A. Sorry, but that is a no-no. If you left your guy for him, the new one would never trust you. You would ruin a friendship and it could back fire. People always want what they can’t have, perhaps that is the enticing aspect. I am not prude, but to me being a buddy fucker is ………


right up there with being a home wrecker  ^

Boooooo, hisssssssss.

Q. Are all men fucking liars?This isn’t the first time I built my world around him, gave him my all, and just get lied to.

 Fed-up Francis

A. Sounds like someone has been shit on. I think men fib to prevent hurting feelings. I have never met a man who can be 100% honest

 but you can’t change that. They lie because they know how their girl will flip out if she knows the truth. Best thing is to not flip out,

just keep busy with your own issues/activities and it will eliminate pressure. When you put a man in the center of your life,

 the pressure gets too much for them and they snap. Don’t try to make a man responsible for your whole life, your happiness, etc.

 By the way, women lie too. Push up bras/silicone tits:


…..Make-Up and Botox makes them appear prettier, high heels make them taller, corsets make them thinner,

 hair color and colored eye contacts are misleading, pretending to want cock 24/7 at the beginning of a

relationship to lure them in is also a lie, so you see, men are not the only ones who bend the truth,

lighten up or there may come a day that there is no one around to even lie to you.

The Stones in Berlin


Jasmine and Yolanda, right before we went into the show  (how fucking CUTE are they? They

both have on my vintage Stones shirts)

I blinded Mick with my cheesy camera, sooooo sorry Sir Jagger! ^

On July 21 the Rolling Stones sold out the Olympia Stadium (in Berlin)  yet again. I
don’t even want to know how much the tickets went for, but I am guessing it
was around 100 euro a pop, or more. This nonsense is the main reason I started
trading massage for entrance into concerts in the first place years ago. I
don’t trade anymore, I charge, but I still have the luxury of getting to see
my favorite bands for free.
I had been massaging them all week at the Ritz Carlton Hotel at Potsdamer
platz and was pleased to get my hands on my favorite Stone again, Charlie
Watts. He is by far, the coolest Stone. He may look much older than the rest,
but that’s just because he doesn’t dye his hair to look younger, he isn’t vain
at all, he is just real. Charlie was my first paying customer by the way. Like
I said, up until 1994, I just bartered, entrance/back stage passes, for
massage. Charlie convinced me to take what was just a hobby and start

……as he said it was "the best massage he had ever had".
Charlie made sure I had 3 tickets and 3 passes for the show on Friday for me, Jasmine and

her friend Yolanda (well, she is OUR friend ). It was
a gorgeous evening, the sun was still shining and every one was ecstatic that
the Stones were breathing the same air as them, you could smell the lads, you got
goosebumps just being in the stadium. Anticipation, beer, sun, music and lots of skin. Oh what
a feeling.

Me and my little cuties  were waved backstage, thanks to our passes.
Each tour the Stones have a different theme for their VIP section backstage.
This year it was called The Rattle Snake Inn. There were fake snakes all over the place,
fake cobwebs, spiders, etc, it almost had a Pirates of the Caribbean feel to it. Another
thing that has changed over the years is that there aren’t any sex bombs strutting

Yolanda, Jasmine and her two school buddies, who were already back stage thanks to their rock star dad) ^

As in, no more groupies. The family atmosphere has replaced what used to be a
large hand full of the most gorgeous, willing women around. It is safe to say, they have grown up now,
well, Mick is still working on it.
One thing that remains the same though is the AMAZING catering. The words
"will work for food" wouldn’t sound shocking if you said it around the Stones because their caterers are the best.
You get to eat and drink anything you want and it’s ALL top quality grub.
All of the Stones, except Mick, pass through the VIP room and say hello and
snack a bit. Sometimes Mick does make an appearance, but not this time. Keith’s lovely wife, Patti was
there, being as sweet and friendly as ever.

Keiths LOVELY wife, Patti ^

I had amazing seats but chose to sit at the Mixer instead (sound board). Micks
girl friend, Lawren sat at the mixer most of the show as well. They sold tickets that were
actually on the stage, well, part of the stage’s frame (see picture) for 500 euro each.
The view from these seats were rubbish, the thrill of being ON stage with the Stones is
what lured those rich suckers into buying them.

THOSE fans spent over $600 for those seats!

Now THAT is dedicated (random Stones fan in crowd ^)

The band was as tight as ever, Mick has loads of energy and charisma, but I
personally hate seeing bands play the Olympia Stadium. The sound just seems to float away
and no matter how big the screens are, you rarely get a good view and it feels very
If a band plays that venue, they have literally gotten too big for their
britches. But some love it, they think, the bigger, the better. To be around
thousands of Stones fans and watch them play live together is very
The had lots of fireworks, the best light show, video screens and when they
played Ray Charles’s "Night time is the Right time" they showed videos of
Ray playing. Lisa Fisher, the Stones back up singer, really let it rip during
her solo. She gives Patti LaBelle a run for her money.

Keith did two solo numbers, Before the Make me run and Slipping Away.

When Keith started to sing, many people in the crowd held up inflatable Palm Trees,


poking fun at Keith’s recent tree fall in New Zealand. Keith cracks me up when he sings.

He is so into playing his guitar, that he misses his ques, he just chimes in when he feels like it,

the back up singers all cover him, it’s just adorable.

The "Bigger Bang" tour includes a "B-stage" which is a tiny stage they have in the middle of the

crowd where they play 4 numbers, this gives everyone a close up look, and is in my eyes,

the best part of the show. Most people can’t take their eyes off of Mick, he is so on fire, but

I tend to watch everyone else just as much, so I don’t miss anything. I thought it was cute

how there was a tiny glass wall next to Charlies drum set that had the set list hand written on it.

Ronnie played perfectly all night, smiling and having a blast, some say he is the better guitarist, but

only some. The audience was made up of people from every age group and with a set list

like the one they whipped out, they satisfied everyone.

 There was loads of audience participation and also tears. Tears of joy and perhaps

some tears of fear and sadness, that this very well could be the last time they see the Rolling

Stones in concert again.

In case you wanted to know, this is their current line up (which shows they now have more Americans in the Stones

line up than English)

Mick Jagger – Vocals, Guitar (Streets Of Love)
Keith Richards – Guitar, 12-String Acoustic Guitar, Vocals
Ronnie Wood – Guitar
Charlie Watts – Drums
Darryl Jones – Bass, Background Vocals
Chuck Leavell – Keyboards, Background Vocals
Lisa Fischer – Background Vocals, Percussion
Bernard Fowler – Background Vocals, Percussion
Blondie Chaplin – Background Vocals, Guitar, Percussion
Bobby Keys – Tenor-Saxophone
Tim Ries – Saxophone, Keyboards
Michael Davis – Trombone
Kent Smith – Trumpet

If you live in CA, we need your help

If you live in CA, you can help save the Polar Bears. You see, the CA Congressman, Richard Pombo is the one pushing for oil drilling in the

Polar Bears habitit. Dropping him a "friendly note" that i have prepared below will show him that this is NOT  a good idea.

First, please read HERE on how Polar Bears are dying off…

Then click HERE   then click on CONTACT ME,

and copy and paste the letter below to this wanker (it only works if you have a CA address)- so if you don’t live in CA, you

could use someone elses CA address to help too πŸ™‚

Copy this please:

" It’s August and America’s vanishing polar bears are feeling the heat. Scientists fear that habitat loss could drive them to extinction in the next century.

 In fact, things have gotten so bad for the bears that some have even resorted to cannibalism. None of this seems to bother YOU, Congressman Richard Pombo.

Even on the heels of a major oil pipeline leak just miles away,  you are still pushing for harmful drilling in our polar bears’ most important onshore denning habitat.

 I am outraged and will spread the word, no more votes for you until you stop the evil plan."


Berlin= GAY

I tried to go swimming today and was quickly reminded how GAY Berlin really is:

Then went out to eat at an Asian restaraunt and accidentally saw how they made their "Chicken" Stir Fry

So, as you can see, I am pretty excited about my upcoming trip to NYC this Sunday. I hope to get the freakin' Jeff Beck and

Stones blog done soon. But that Chicken Stir fry gave me a belly ache, so I have to lie down, too ill to blog πŸ™‚


Ask Dr. Dot


I like to practice safe sex, but almost every time I have sex the condom rips
and I have had a lot of sleepless nights worrying about getting preggy or worse, aids. What
am I doing wrong? Are there condoms that won’t tear?

Petrified Patty


It could be the guy you are with isn’t getting you wet enough first of all. The
condom tears when your snatch isn’t wet enough. So take your time with foreplay, lots
of kissing, anticipation and oral to get your juices flowing. To be sure, carry some lube
with you, like
K-Y Jelly in a tiny inconspicuous container so it won’t be so obvious (if you
aren’t shy, whip out a big tube of gel and lather up). Take a tiny amount
of gel and wet your lips ( you know what lips I mean). If you put too much on
it, the condom may slip off inside of you and that’s not safe/fun either. Don’t save money on
condoms, buy a well known (and already lubricated) brand. If he moans about this lube process,
tell him he should spend more time making you wet and you wouldn’t have to bring your own juice.



My girl can’t suck my dick properly. I showed her videos and she still doesn’t
do it right.

Would I be out of line leaving her because of that?

Oral O’Brien


If you left her for that, karma would kick you in the balls big time. Just take
her index finger and suck, lick, stroke it just like you would want her to treat your rod.

She will be able to feel  how you like it.


Hey Doc, saw your column online. I am an American guy living in London. I have
only been here for a month and finally met a girl. We haven’t gotten down and dirty
yet, but we talk about it a lot on the phone. I am circumcised like all American men, and
I know from talking to my buddies over here that they are all uncut. I am afraid to
whip out my dick in front of this English girl. She said she has never been with an
American man before, so how should I go about showing her my snipped sausage without freaking
her out? I am really nervous and need help fast.

Butchered Brian


First of all, think positive. You can’t grow the skin back or even by a new one,
so what’s done is done. Stand by your, erm, man, and be very confident that she
will love it. If you present it like it’s a freaky thing, she may panic. Just
don’t say a thing about it, just stick to your regular make out routine and if she
mentions it, just make a little joke and say "our Mom’s are so afraid that we won’t keep our
pecker skin clean, that they cut it off to prevent any dick cheese from growing".
She may love your cock because it’s different for her. The grass is always
greener theory could work in your favor.

* I’d like to take this opportunity to say, I prefer the natural "look"

and find the circumcising ritual to be stupid, selfish, cruel, and completely
unjustified. It should be illegal

^ Circumcision  πŸ™



I’ve been married for almost 5 yrs now. Everything was great except sex life.
I feel we don’t do it as much as in the beginning, we only do it once a month!.
  I feel like he isn’t attracted to me as he used to. We talked about how I feel
a few times and he says he loves me and he’s really tired.
Beside all this I’ll get to the point, I gave my coworker a blowjob in my car
and my husband walked up to the car and saw it. I was drunk (I know, I can’t use that as an
I still don’t know why I did it, I have never done anything like that before and
I ‘ve never cheated on my husband. That was the one time only. Now my husband won’t talk
to me, he said I am no longer his wife. I am only in the house because of our son. I know I did
an unacceptable mistake but I beg for his forgiveness and I beg for him to take me  back. I
know I hurt him so much.
  (We did have an agreement b4 we got married not to fuck any one else but I
broke my promise)
  Now I am in hell, and it’s unbearable to think that He doesn’t love me
anymore. I can’t live this way..
Whats worse is that I don’t know what came to my head, for me to do what I have
done. I felt lifeless. How can I get my husband back????


Tell him to lighten up! Hilary forgave BILL for getting a blow job. You did NOT
break your promise if it was not to fuck anyone else. Oral sex isn’t fucking someone else.
We are all human, and sometimes these things happen. True love should be able to withstand
a few mistakes. Write him a letter and tell him "it may be hard for you to trust me
again, but please believe I love you and that was just a physically weak moment, a point
where my lack of sex was too much to bear. Make sure you emphasize the points:

a. He was not giving it to you often enough even though you kept asking

b. Even the president was forgiven after a oral sex affair

c. You love him and would forgive him if that happened to him

d. Sex is NOT love. You love him, the other guy was just a drunken mistake.

e. Nobody is perfect ….And as far as your own piece of mind, remember, what
will be, will be and just because

you love one, doesn’t mean you have to hate the rest!