Month: January 2006

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Happy Birthday to the King

                                                      

"We’re caught in a trap I can’t walk out because I love you too much baby Why can’t you see What you’re doing to me When you don’t believe a word I say?  We can’t go on together With suspicious minds… And we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds.."

It’s Elvis’s birthday today…. what an amazing man. I watched "Elvis by the Presley’s" a few times already, a really long documentary about Elvis by Priscilla and Lisa Marie, and you really get to know more about him then ever. You end up (or at least I did) feeling sorry for him, what with all the bad career choices the Kernel thrust upon him and all. You could see towards the end how miserable he was, having lost Priscilla thanks to his promiscuity and apathetic  behavior. I highly recommend it, you can find it on line if you haven’t seen it yet.

Anyways, as you can tell I have not been blogging lately and there are a few good reasons for that. Me speaking my mind at the moment would only confuse you as it does me so I spare you the ‘misery loves company’ spiel and just post my column and stupid images, hoping you wouldn’t notice the lack of meat in my blogs. I imagine it must be like opening a fridge that usually has tasty exciting food in it, only to find junk food and bones from a left over turkey for you. Career-wise there isn’t much going on, as everyone seems to think they don’t need to work from Dec 10th to January 10th. My books are ready to be published but I still can’t find people serious about helping shop it around and get them published. I want to bring out a ‘How to give a massage’ dvd, which would sell like hot cakes (much better than books as you are the only one who still reads apart from the Harry Potter fans) but again, I can’t exactly set up a camera and direct and produce it on my own. Sting and several other stars have told me to my face they would LOVE to be part of the ‘How to massage’ dvd (as in, they lay there while I massage them, all the while explaining how you, the person at home on the couch, should do it best).

So fucking tired of waiting for these "deals" to come through, what the fuck?, I will be older than Dr. Ruth by the time my books and dvds come out and NO one wants to see  Dr. Ruth give a massage now do they? And the biggest dilemma for me, is what country to live in, to move to, to stay in. Living two lives may sound exciting, exotic and entertaining to  you, but it is exhausting and counter productive. As soon as I get things going again over here in Berlin, I go back to NYC and work full throttle at getting my career going again over there, you know, massage clients lining up at my door for a session, loads of rock star blogs and enticing business proposals cooking, I fly back to Berlin to see my gorgeous Jasmine. Then the NYC career kind of dies down (out of sight out of mind for the short attention span world of show-biz/massage clients) and of course when I arrive in Berlin there is NOTHING going on (ok, sometimes I am lucky and there are concerts the day I land etc, but not always). ESPECIALLY  around the dreaded Christmas Holiday season (that’s exactly why I loathe the Holidays- that and the fact that everyone spends spends spends and has tremendous pressure forced upon them to buy, cook, shop, smile and spend time with relatives you normally never see).

Then there is the personal relationship drama of living two lives. When you live two lives in two different countries, your "friends" naturally move on. Of course they find new people to hang out with and they kind of move on. Almost a subconscious form of punishment for your abandoning them. You land and find that each time there fewer pals around, some are married some have moved away, some have died, some have changed so drastically that you wouldn’t even want to hang out with them again. See why I can’t blog right now? It’s just me whining and I find it disgusting. Millions of other people have it a thousand times worse, but since your own life is right up there in your face, you think of your life when you wake up,  naturally. I am just sick of moving around.. Growing up I went to 15 different schools in 12 years (mostly in a different state each year) and then once out of school, as you know, I followed the Grateful Dead all over the place for about 3 years, then I moved to Germany and it’s been back and forth from Berlin to the USA pretty much ever since and I have had it. I want one life just like everyone else (well I know some have even more than I do) and then concentrate on that one place, one man, one career (but of course still many many bands).

I feel I am approaching a very drastic decision and unfortunately Libras take ages to make up their minds, but I feel a huge change coming on and the lead up to it is almost paralyzing. The fear of making the wrong decision is like being hit by a stun gun. I guess Petra’s death made me really sit down and look at my life. When you lose someone close to you it reminds you that we don’t live forever, that your time could come soon. So why stay in your situation if you are not completely happy. But then again, writing an agony column like I do, I know dam well that most people are not completely happy. The grass is indeed, always greener. Like Chris Rock says repeatedly in his live dvd "bigger and blacker" or is it "Never Scared"? anyways, he says "you’re either married and bored, or single and LONELY" which sounds rather jaded but he is right. So what is the fucking answer? Married with kids? Single and searching? Working or letting someone pay your bills? Staying in one place forever? Moving around constantly to avoid boredom? I have a girl friend from New Zealand, who I met while following the Dead back in 1986, her name is Liz. She must be about 55 now. She has been traveling for over 30 years non stop. She doesn’t live anywhere she is just traveling with what she has on her back. She never stays anywhere more than a month and she is far from rich. Naturally she has no health insurance or man in her life. She is just a roaming soul with a million stories to tell. She always finds odd jobs where ever she goes, earns some money and takes off again, always staying with one of her million friends she has made over the years. She always stays with me when she comes to Berlin and tells me of her adventures. She never misses a film festival and follows bands like the Dead, Phish, Dave Matthews Band,etc. which make it easy to sell things and earn. She would sell t-shirts, food, jewelry etc. I couldn’t live like anymore but it does make one feel tied down when a "no where man" crosses your path. She makes me feel stable, where as someone like Betsy up in Boston or my friend Andrea (who have both lived in the same place for about 20 years) make me feel like a scatter brainded mess.

Ok, I guess this somber mood is enhanced by the fact I am on the rag at the moment but you know I am not one for painting a pretty picture. I went to bed last night at 7:30 am and the ‘night’ before at 9:30am, so as you can see, I am up to my bad habits again. Thank heaven I am not into drink or drugs, I am just into Seinfeld at the moment, can’t get enough. I went to bed (as I was saying before ) thinking what do I need? I need a freakin MOM!!! I was thinking to myself, "is it too late to be adopted?" ok? So, send the shrinks asap. No really, it is her birthday tomorrow so I guess that brings this crap to mind. This is perhaps why I am leaning towards Berlin again as I don’t want to pass off this – ‘never having enough Mom’  feeling to Jasmine, because it sucks. (note: Being here in Berlin is sometimes a burden for Jasmine as she already has a full, busy life and having to schlep her things from her Dad’s place to mine and then to school really really pisses her off, which I can understand. She too longs for ONE life, not two). Any feed back about this situation, as in mine, would be gratefully appreciated. Just out of curiosity, what would you do in my shoes?

You just can’t buy a mom, you can’t rent one, there is only one Mom and if you don’t get enough of her when you are younger, you long for it forever and it doesn’t feel so hot. Being in NYC is fun and good for my career but Jasmine is here so I am torn. She will be 17 in June and so I am wondering, how long do they need the parent around? If I had a mom to ask, I would know. What a fucking cry baby I am. What do you expect from a January, Berlin blog? Happy Days? lol. Last night I saw Iris (Petra’s twin) and I massaged her for a couple hours then she invited me to her place (which used to be their place). I walked over and this would be the first time I was in Petra’s place since she died. I was wondering if Iris changed her room, packed her things etc. I walked into Petra’s room (this is where the girls and I were to watch Willy Wonka) and saw that Iris was lying where Petra used to lay and nothing in her room was changed.

It made me happy to see nothing had been touched but also sad and strange to be there without Petra. A couple other close gal pals were there and we all watched the film together on Petra’s hot pink fluffy bed that has Flintstones sheets and blankets. I could still smell Petra and feel her positive vibe in the room. Elvis memorabilia all over the place and all. At least she left a lovely sister behind to love, as when most die they are just gone, but having a twin to love makes it a bit easier to deal with the loss. Not sure if it’s wrong to feel that way but looking at Iris and talking to her makes me feel Petra is around.

By this point you are probably wishing I didn’t blog, but you can’t just have the good times blog  you have to have the bad times blog too, it’s only fair. This coming Friday I may drive to Dresden (about two hours from here) to see Depeche Mode and of course I am bringing my massage table in case they want a rub down. Iris is driivng, it should be a fun road trip. I will keep you posted.

I went out Friday night to do karaoke at a rather new Irish bar here in Berlin called the Ceili House. My favorite karaoke DJ  here in Berlin is  Sheldon, an American dude from Indiana was working and he has  a great collection and sound. Anyways, I was surprised to run into about 20 of Jasmines school mates (apparently this is their week end hang out). They are all around 16 & 17 years old. Jasmine wasn’t there though she was at some Ska concert. Her school mates watched me belt out some AC/DC and Led Zeppelin in awe. They were like "you’re such a cool mom!" lol. I was thinking, Jasmine’s gonna KILL ME!! lol! And when I told her about it, she was ‘not amused’ hee hee. I can’t help it if bars in Berlin allow 16 year olds to come in and drink (a few of them were blowing chunks out side as they drank too much too fast). That’s why young folks LOVE Berlin so much, they can drink and go out to any club they want, NO one ever asks what age they are as there are no rules. They all were smoking and drinking and flirting with the Irish bar staff (much older then they are) so now you don’t have to wonder why I can’t sleep at night. lol. You  can’t forbid your 16 year old from going to pubs when they ALL go. They would just do it behind your back anyways. At least they aren’t drinking in the woods and then driving around like they do in the states (especially in the suburbs).

Anyhow, I have to get out of this schlump and knowing me, when I do I will come out swinging but just bear with me for a while, the blogs will get peppier as I do. Peace.

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Ask Dr. Dot

Q.

Dear Dr. Dot,

my fiance’ and I live and work together, so we are around each other basically 24/7 except when we work out. What was once a fun and exciting fling has now turned into a suffocating nightmare. We do love each other but being around each other so much has killed our sexual desire for one another. I thought you would have some tips to save our love.

Cramped Collins

A.

Dear Collins,

I am surprised you haven’t killed each other yet. There is no faster way to destroy love then to be together constantly (don’t know how it worked for John and Yoko). If at all possible, change the work situation and if that doesn’t work, invest in a bigger place to live and have seperate bed rooms. Don’t sleep next to each other every night and make sure you both go out with your own friends as much as you can. Not to start living separate lives but to at least have different experiences you can tell each other about over dinner. This sounds like HELL to me quite honestly..a nightmare! Make space before it’s too late. Someone needs to quit the job and fast.

Q.

Dr. Dot, I am 53 and my ex girlfriend is 38. We were together for 5 years when she left me (she didn’t really say why, but I think it’s because I am starting to show my age). She supposedly has a new boyfriend but still invites me over a couple nights a week to watch films with her over a glass of wine. We always get cozy on the couch and end up snuggling which makes me rock hard and dying to poke her. She doesn’t say a word about it or make any inviting moves. I am afraid if I do she will end our "friendship". I am totally smitten with her and want her back. Should I make a move or just be happy with the snuggling?

A.

You are 53 and are afraid to make a move? Over the age of 50 you should think "fuck it, I have nothing to lose, we only live once!" and be very ballsy about such things. I’m wondering about her character for two reasons. First, she has a boyfriend but invites you to snuggle over a glass of wine on a regular basis…maybe she would do this if she was yours again with another guy as well. Second, she dumped you because you are starting to show your age? What a superficial bitch. Just come right out and say, "Listen, I feel you are teasing me and my cock and I can’t take it any  longer, either shag me or stop inviting me over.". You have to be a man about it and find out what her game is. If she declines, then move on, you are too old to be teased. If she agrees, you are on your way back into her… ahem, heart.

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Ask Dr. Dot

Q.

Hey there Doc,
    I’m a 26 year old ladies club entertainer. The day I was given a job at this
club where I perform, the owner told me that it was coz of, what she called "a
wonderful body and a huge cock".
    The owner is 35, single and usually tells me to have sex with her to
please her. I have to do it to keep my job. But lately she is telling me to
bear her a child or leave the job. I won’t have trouble getting another job (I
have had offer from clubs in other cities) but I wanna stay here as my Mistress
lives in this town. I also have a great fan following with all of my shows
having full houses.
    So the problem is that I can’t leave the club due to my fans and Mistress
and if I stay i have to get this lady pregnant. Even though I know that she will not
get a stripper as well hung as me( I am 13 inches when hard) in this town but still I
don’t want to take chance. A few weeks back she even auditioned  
a new stripper but coz of the pressure from the crowd (they were all inches
behind me)  she didn’t hire him. I love this city and the fact that women like
me so much here. I don’t have problem fucking her as it’s part of my profession;
in fact I’ve even had sex with the women my boss pays me to "service". But making
her preg with my child is something I don’t wanna do. What should I do?

Randy Randy

A.

Oh God you do have huge problems. Sounds like everyone is fighting over your big ol’ cock. Poor baby, it must be HELL. I really hope you are saving up for a pension/retirement fund as such a job is definitely not a long term career. I find this situation hard to swallow, it sounds like a fantasy you made up (first sign of a bluff: any guy with a 13 inch cock, who wants to make a living with his body wouldn’t waste his time with stripping, he would go straight to porn where the big bucks are), but I will give you the benefit of the doubt and answer you.

If you are sure that you have so much power with your mega meat, then get a job at a new club as soon as possible! Staying with your power hungry horny boss will just lead to a giant mess no matter what. The whole situation sounds like a nice round for the Jerry Springer show.Dying to know which city this mess is taking place in. I will cross my fingers that all works out fine for you and your cock.

 

Q.

I have been married four years, my husband and I have a child together
that is almost one. Recently he has been working out of town for about a
month. He calls me pretty late one night sounding upset saying we need to
talk. Then he tells me that he’s been receiving and sending text
messages to a very good friend of mine. It then comes to my attention that these are
sexual messages that sound a lot like the things he says to me. He said he is sorry and

begged me for forgiveness but  I still am not
sure if I know the whole truth ( how long it was going on/ how many texts &
pics were sent back and forth). How can I start to forgive my husband and can I
really forget what they have done to me?? Should I try to work things out with
him or leave him regardless that we have a baby?? Can sex ever be the same
knowing that he said those special things that he said to me to her whether he
meant them or not?? HELP DOT!!

A.

First of all, I am wondering how the FUCK did he get her number and vice versa?
Don’t you know that you should NEVER leave your man alone with  your gal pals?
You can give him another chance since he was honest and up front about it. Better that he
told you then you finding out another way. Tell your "girlfriend" she is a
back stabbing whore and she will burn in hell.Accept no excuses from her, you don’t

need "friends" like that around you. Tell him if it happens again, you and the kid walk no questions asked.

Thank him for being honest and tell him to make new lines for you as you are not
having his old lines he used on that bitch. Tell him to get a fucking
imagination and use it with you and that he needs to focus on his priorities or he will lose them for good.
When and if you resume having sex with him again, perhaps it would be better if there were no words during sex. Tell him
"please, I don’t want to hear any lines, as they may not be original, just
shut up and fuck me!". Sounds rude, but it will work.
Everyone deserves one chance to fuck up, he just used his up. But you have to
promise yourself to keep your word.
Child or not, you have to keep your self respect.

 Hopefully he is treating you good, that is the important thing! You could demand a vacation for his idiot behavior,

this will make you both feel better; you won’t feel like an ass for forgiving him, he will feel he is earning his way out of the dog house and you can hopefully start over fresh and clean.

Q.

My girlfriend’s vagina gets so big during sex, like a paint can!

I guess paint can is kinda rude, but thats what we call it, in blunt terms, her
opening gets WIDE (like a opening to a paintcan- I’m not small, but not as big
around as a paintcan). It gets so slippery that is feels like my cock is just a hot dog tossed

 down a hallway. It only gets like that when she’s really into it and a
‘gusher’ occurs. So I guess shes ejaculating.?? but my girlfriend who is SUPER
clean, wants to know what is a gusher,( its definitely not her pee!)  and she said its never
happened before me.

Wondering Willy

A.

The gushing of juices is her cumming (ejaculating). The clit is just a tiny penis, sorry,
but it’s true. We all start out the same, and the clit grows into a penis for
the man and stays small for the female (and some very unfortunate men).
Grab a towel when she cums and wipe her dry, then continue as usual.
Go deep in her, then tell her to cross her legs (while you are still in there
deep) and it will feel really tight!
She should clench her legs together really tight while you fuck her, you can
do this in the missionary posistion or while she lays on her stomach. It
feels amazing and makes you feel like you are shagging a virgin.(this won’t work

so well if you have a very short dick).
Keeping it dry and having her squeeze you will fix your problem (some guys pray for their girl to be wet,

 it means you are doing it oooh so right) .

She could kegel, (a pussy exercise that tightens the muscles). Tell her to
stop her flow repeatedly when she urinates. That is the kegel exercise. This
will help get her "paint can" tighter.

(Is it just me or would Mr. Cock and the Paint Can woman make a great couple?)