Month: January 2006

Q.

My wife and I have been married for about 10 years. We are healthy, happy and
have a good sex life….though after 10 years of marriage and three years of
dating prior, we at times have hit some ‘dry’ spells.  We’ve come out of them
fine though as we have turned up the dirty talk, fantasy sharing, and even the
occasional strip club (her move).

Recently, in the middle of sex, she told me something that I hadn’t imagined. 
Before meeting me, she had basically two boyfriends and with the one before me,
they taped three of their sex sessions….and she had kept the tapes (she
wouldn’t let him take them…good move in retrospect).

She asked me if I’d like to watch with her as she hadn’t seen them since
basically we started dating (in college) . At first, I didn’t think I could
take it, but we ended up watching and we had mind-blowing sex.  Seeing her as a
21 year old having very graphic sex with her then boyfriend was incredibly
arousing.  I don’t think I could have handled this years ago, but since we trust
each other and have a good marriage, I was able to manage the jealousy I felt
and allow the raw sexual feelings surface.  We’ve watched them now about 6 or 7
times and they haven’t gotten old.

Is this healthy?  We both feel a bit weird after wards, but the sex is great and
I notice she orgasms multiple times and more intensely than watching other porn
or through straight sex.  anybody else deal with this before?

Peeping Tom

A.

Watching it once in a while is fine, but something tells me she is starting to get hooked on it, especially the fact that she cums harder and more often then with other porn. Maybe she is thinking of him when she fucks you, who knows. If you are enjoying the sex and no feelings are getting hurt, then why not? I think when porn becomes a regular feature in a couples sex life, as in, more often then not, there is something lacking. Once in a while it’s HOT and probably standard, but if it’s all the time and becomes a needed tool, what’s next? Will you both  need that to get off? Maybe it makes her hot seeing herself at age 21, as in "look how fucking hot I used to be". Fantasy is important and healthy, but having it on a video tape is a different story. Would she like to watch you bang a 20 year old ex girlfriend over and over again?

Don’t suggest it anymore, see how often she suggests watching it and then decide if you can handle it or not. If it starts to bother you, you’ll have to take a stand and tell her "enough is enough" and throw the "would you like to watch me bang a 20 year old ex?" her way, but then there is always that chance she says "yes!". I think she doesn’t want to let go of her past; her young body and hot ex boyfriends. Peter Pan Syndrome goes porn…You might as well enjoy it until it starts to piss you off..

Q.

I’ve been married for four years and separated for about a year now. One of the
biggest reasons for the separation is that we had no sex life…none what so
ever!!! I have been living with a Japanese girl for the past seven months and
our sex life is incredible! I’m telling you, this girl is almost perfect (at
least to me).

My problem is; although everything is so good between us I can’t stop wanting my
wife (sexually). I truly believe that it’s over between us (me and my wife)
however, now she wants to give me all the sex I want. I have been sleeping with
her when I go to pick up my son. I know this is wrong however, I think that
because I wanted her for so long, I’m jumping at every opportunity.

What do you do when you’re with somebody but love someone else and know that you
can’t go back to the one you love??? I’m so mixed up!

A.

"I’m in love, I’m, all shook up"- we’ve all been there buddy. It’s called having your cake and wanting to eat it too. Sometimes putting the ‘forbidden’ spin on a stale sex life makes it hot as hell again. I’m not sure if your wife knows about your current status, because if she does, that could be why she is suddenly so wet for you again (her competitive side has perked up and she is using her pussy to lure you back). Next time you fuck your wife, you know, those moments of clarity after a good shag, where you just lie around for a few minutes, ask her straight out if she wants you back or just wants to be a fuck buddy. If she wants you back, you may have to say good bye to your Asian girl, and there is no better excuse then "My wife and I are going to give it another try". If your wife just wants you as her fuck buddy, you could always juggle the two (I can already hear the anti-cheat hate mail pouring in as I type this) but then again, just because you love one person, doesn’t mean you have to hate the rest.

Q.

I am only 16 and I think my penis is too small. All of my friends brag about how big their dicks are, but mine is only 5 1/2 inches long. Will it grow bigger? Am I stuck with a tiny penis? Is there anyway I can make it longer?

Tiny Tim

A.

It is a muscle, the same as any other muscle, the more you use it, and work it
out, the stronger and bigger it gets. In other words, wank until the cows come
home. All guys brag about their cocks, and they are usually exaggerating.The guys

who really are packing a big pistol don’t need to brag about it. Most think they
have a HUGE cock, when in reality only a small percentage of men have a Wonder Willy

 (as in, when it’s hard, it goes up past the navel button and you can barely get your hand
around it).
If you feel yours is too small, learn to give oral (hey, aren’t you only 16?!) like your

life depends on it. If you learn to lick a girl the right way, she won’t care about how big your
cock is, trust me.

Got a lot of messages from confused folks saying "WTF??" about the burp I posted. Well, here is the explanation… I am a massive ZAPPA fan and offered to massage them (Frank and his whole band) for free just to see every sound check and show for free in trade for massage. SOOOOOooooo I got to see almost every sound check on the 1988 tour…. and I burped accidentally during the Portland Maine show and Frank stopped the band, turned around and asked "Who did that?" (there were 5 of us in the whole venue that go to watch the sound check) and I owned up to it. He asked me to come up on stage (I thought he was gonna rip me a new one). He said "Can you do that again into the sampler?", and I said "well, I need a diet coke". He said to a stage hand "Get her a coke!" and I politely said "um, it has to be DIET coke, more bubbles you know?" . They got me a diet coke, and it took about 20 minutes for me to ‘cook up’ a few killer belches. The band was ‘not amused’ at having to wait for this, lol! So the burps were recorded into a sampler and they used it for the rest of the tour to make fun of the TV Evangelists at the time, and now you can hear it on the Zappa live Album called "the Best band you’ve NEVER heard in your life".. or simply click on the banner below..

..

Had a blast today massaging Dave Gahan (Depeche Mode). I have massaged him many times before, and I have to say, he is one of my favorite clients. He is so sweet, charming, humble, funny and not bad on the eyes (and ears, oooh that accent!). My best Berliner assistant, Gunde and I gave Dave the 4 handed massage ( I do the upper body while she massages the lower body). Then we traded (without him knowing) so he gets a differnt sensation (her style is naturally different then mine).

After the 90 minute massage from heaven, I went to the lobby of the hotel and the German press was there. They recognized me (unfortunately- because after a 90 minute kick ass massage, I look like I have been jogging in a sauna) and since they couldn’t catch Depeche Mode for a word or picture, they decided to interview me and photograph Gunde and myself. It was friggin hilarious. You can see the German paper (which comes out officially tomorrow on line by clicking HERE…

"Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Enjoy the silence"

^ Where the fuck is my upper lip?

     

                                                    

                                                           

                                                                    ^ The good ol’ days in Berlin. A night out with Pantera ( RIP Dime Bag)

Q.

I have been with a great guy for about 16 months. We have a great sex life and have been engaged since June. At first I think I had an emotional block preventing me from having an orgasm, but now I have a hard time, I think, ’cause there’s no foreplay and he cums too quick. It leaves me feeling very used.
He feels bad and says that he can’t help it, that I turn him on and that he doesn’t know how to ( or even want to ) stop when he comes close to orgasm to take care of my needs first. It doesn’t always happen, but I find that things are done too fast and sometimes it hurts because I’m not aroused enough.
How do I get the boy to think not only of his needs? How do I even know if he really does have a hard time controlling his orgasm? I really need to know if that is a real problem with men or if my sexual needs aren’t as important to him as his needs are to me.

Pissed off Paula

A.

How can you call a one sided sex life "Great"?.

The fact that he says "he doesn’t want to stop" shows you that he doesn’t give a flying fuck if you cum or not.

He is just in it for himself (that behavior is acceptable and expected on a one night stand, but not from a fiance’) and why except a marriage proposal from a man who doesn’t even try to make you cum? Did you think he would change and suddenly and give a shit? Sex is usually stars out amazing with a partner and sadly gets a bit routine after a few years, but it sounds like it was never good if he doesn’t at least lick you until you cum (it could be all down hill from here unless you speak up big time!).

It’s not a problem with all men, like you asked, just the lazy ones.
Also, you ask how to get him to think of your needs? That is the simple part, two words: withhold pussy. Make it clear, that a quick one sided in & out is turning you off to the point where you can’t be bothered even fucking him for a while. He should make you cum first, either with his mouth or his fingers and/or a dildo, etc, if he can’t manage it with his cock, then let your two minute man go for it. He sounds like a selfish prick to me, good thing you figured out the sex life sucks before you tied the knot. Some will argue that Sex isn’t everything, but it is in a Sex column.

Q.

Ever since I’ve been on the pill, I have been really moody and needy. My boyfriend (of 2 years) likes the fact that we can fuck without a condom on, but hates it that I get moody. In fact, he actually gets pissed off at me for crying.

This makes it worse. He says it’s the pill but I think it’s his apathetic ways that make me sad. When a man rejects your
tears, does that mean he isn’t really into you? Shouldn’t he be holding me close and comforting me? Am I nuts?

Sad Eyed Sadie

A.

The birth control pill works by tricking our body into thinking it’s always 3 months pregnant, that’s why we can’t get pregnant on the pill, because we are already pregnant (according to our hormone levels). How do pregnant woman behave? Emotional, clingy, insecure about their looks, sometimes jealous, sad with mood swings and they get chubby (no wonder so many men cheat when their woman is pregnant).

So, it’s no surprise that you feel that way, but if it gets too extreme, you need to try a different pill and get that shit under control because NO man wants a cry baby. They usually get fucking mad when their woman cries because it makes them feel helpless and guilty and they get mad at you for making them feel that way. Most prefer a strong, stable woman so they can be the softy ( Look at Ozzy and Sharon for example). Don’t bug him with unexplained, unwarranted tears, they can’t handle all that emotional turmoil!

Call a friend or relative when you are really down in the blues and talk it out to see what’s really bothering you or you will have a real reason to cry when he leaves your wimpy ass.

                                                    

Q.

Hi Dr. Dot,  I have been all over your web sites and think you look fabulous. I want to know what your secrets are on how to stay in shape and look so healthy. I have gained at least 5 pounds since Thanksgiving and my face is breaking out! No one will want to fuck me looking like this. I need help FAST!

Porky Pam

A.

Dear Pam,

start power walking and/or jogging every day for at least 40 minutes. I don’t know how heavy you are, so I can only suggest jogging. If you are a huge, then stick to the power walking. Eat every two hours, but something small, like some cheese and an apple, then in two hours, tofu and a veggie, then nuts and a half of banana, then fish (ew, I hate fish) and some salad, you get the idea, small meals but very often. Bring healthy food with you every where, people will think you’re nuts, but it really works. This will jump start your metabolism. Just make sure you don’t eat for at least 2 hours before bed. Why put gas in a car that will be parked all night? As far as your skin is concerned, change your pillow case every other night, this really helps! Take 2 aspirins and crush them with the bottom of a glass. Then add a bit of water and make a paste and rub it all over your face, especially where the zits are. Leave on for 15 minutes then wash off with cold water (for a more dramatic effect, throw in a alka seltzer tablet with the aspirin). This will rid the zits and make you look like you just had a wonderful shag. Drink loads of water and avoid sugar, smoking, caffeine and alcohol, this should help, but you have to stick with it.

Q.

I got my girlfriend pregnant, but not on purpose. She told me she was on the pill and I thought it was safe to shoot my love into her. We have only been going out for two months and we are both young (I am 20 and she is 23). I like her but don’t love her enough to spend the rest of my life with her or to support a child with her. She just sent me an email telling me this and I am too shocked to respond. How can I get her to get rid of the baby? Answer as soon as possible.

Petrified Pat

A.

For you and all the other guys reading this, always use a condom if you don’t want a baby or a disease! My brother used to say "I don’t bathe with my socks on, so I’m not gonna fuck with a condom on". Great now he has kids all over the place. Now back to your present dilemma. Ask to meet her in a public place so there is less screaming/drama. Sit down with her and look her in the eyes and say "So, what do you plan to do?". This is a neutral question that will force her to speak her mind and it doesn’t make you against or for keeping the baby, hence, when her decision comes out, you will be on her good side no matter what. You can’t change a woman’s mind about such a thing and if you say you are against her having it, and she does have it, she will hold it against you forever and will probably tell the kid too once it gets older. If she has it, it doesn’t mean you have to be with her for life, it just means you are a father and should support the child any way you can, which can be the most rewarding, beautiful thing one can do in this life. Procreation: isn’t that what we are all here for anyways?

Q.

A man I know gave me a very expensive diamond necklace for Christmas and I love it, but I know he is into me much more than I am into him. I am not sure if it’s ok to keep it or not, I mean, I feel obligated to him now. What would you  do in my shoes?

Bling Baby

A.

I would pawn it off and buy the complete Frank Zappa collection on cd and vinyl. No, seriously, if you aren’t gonna sleep with the guy, give it back and say "It’s gorgeous, but I could only accept that if we were a couple, and I’m just doing my own thing right now". No jewelry is worth the drama of obligation. Save up and get your own bling, the self respect that comes with it makes you radiate self confidence, which is the worlds hottest aphrodisiac.

         

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