Back in Berlin and too tired to download and upload my new pictures at the moment… Super happy my team has been working on the Brian Stetzer Orchestra in Detroit and will be taking care of Blondie and band all over the UK. My NJ massage assistant, Suzanne worked on Ashlee Simpson on my behalf and said she was super sweet. Our team is growing like talented weeds, yay!
Anyhow, to any future Mother-in-law that may be reading my blog, please excuse my foul language, I can’t help it, I was raised backstage and my column has to be raw and blunt to work it’s magic, don’t judge me too harshly, I can cook and clean too….
Q
Dear Dr. Dot,
My boyfriend wanks all the time, sometimes he is even too tired for sex with me. Can a guy be addicted to wanking, porn, or both?
Suzy Cream-cheese
A.
Dear Suzy,
A man doesn’t necessarily need porn to wank. Throughout their day, they gather sexy images they see, for example, a hot waitress bending down to wipe the floor or some cleavage they saw on the underground and they store these hot images in their "wank bank" for use later when they are wanking, or even fucking their girlfriend to spice things up. There is nothing wrong with wanking, it’s like breathing for them, you can’t stop it and shouldn’t even try to, don’t even mention it, no one fucks them like their hand. Porn is the best invention on earth as far as men are concerned. 99.9% of men watch porn. It’s fine as long he doesn’t leave it laying around for all to see or let it replace your sex life. You could suggest wanking with him. You both watch a "video" together and lie side by side and wank (if you don’t know what wank means, it’s slang for masturbate- it’s shorter and sounds better than "jerking off"- I fucking HATE that term). Or ask him if he will let you watch him wank, in order to please him better or vice versa. If he isn’t into any of that, just let him wank away, you can’t compete with a man’s hand and at least he is fucking his hand and not other women.
Dr. Dot
Q.
Hey Dr Dot,
how can I get my chick to let me fuck her ass? I love anal but she won’t go for it.
Ass Man
A.
Watching girls in porn get it up the ass leads men to believe we all secretly want it in the poop shoot. Honestly, it’s a real pain in the ass and those eager chicks in porn are getting paid to act like they want it in the ass. Don’t let those videos fool you. I don’t know one girl who likes anal sex (please spare me the emails telling me you know tons of chicks who love anal). Some females even do it to keep their man, to be the unique creature that does take it up the ass, secretly suffering all the while. Before I give you tips on how to convince her, let me suggest taking a dildo and ramming it up your ass repeatedly (wouldn’t want you missing out on any of the fun). If that feels good to you, then proceed with asking her again to allow you to fuck her in the ass. Make her cum first, either orally or through penetration. This will make her more tolerant, happy and loose. Roll her onto her belly and massage her butt for a while, then perhaps lick her too (hopefully she showered pre-sex). Start with your fingers and lots of lube. If she is ok with this, you are half the way there. Roll her over again onto her back and tell her you heard this is the least painful position to have anal sex. Let her guide your cock so she has control as to how fast, how deep etc. Never just force yourself in there, it’s super painful (unless you have a dick the size of a little finger). That is the most gentle way to introduce her into anal sex but if she doesn’t want it, fantasize about it, you shouldn’t push the issue. If she does go for it, know that it is really bad to go from the back door back into the front door again without showering first; never bring anal germs into the sacred vagina.
Q.
Hi Dr. Dot, you have helped men figure out what to do when their woman doesn’t want sex, but what about when the man doesn’t want sex? I chose my boyfriend because he was as into sex as much as I am. We have been together for 2 years and have a 1 year old child. Halfway through my pregnancy he lost his sex drive and it has never returned. He doesn’t even want me to blow him. What can I do? I need sex and it’s hurting my feelings that he rejects me. He’d rather drink beer and watch TV now. Would bringing him to therapy save our sex life? Could you suggest a good therapist here in NYC?
Horney Heidi
A.
Dear Heidi,
It may be hard for you to imagine this, but it sounds to me like he
is cheating on you. This is just a possibility. A lot of men
cheat on their pregnant girlfriend/wife. And that doesn’t mean they would dump the lover(s)
when the baby arrives. Something about a
pregnant woman makes a man want to cheat. Look at Mick Jagger and Boris Becker,
both cheated while their wife was pregnant and these are
just a couple of famous examples. Men sometimes freak out when the reality of being together
forever sets in (unless it was they who insisted on the baby), and pregnancy and being slightly less important then they
used to be sets the stage for wanting an affair.
Men HATE therapy and even mentioning it to him will drive him further away. In
my opinion, it would only make things worse! It’s Mother Nature’s catch 22 that having a baby
to show a man you love him, actually is what drives them into the arms of another or dampens
the sex life you once had for each other, but that’s how it works sometimes. Sometimes men want
to think of their pregnant wife as pure; Holy, basically unfuckable. It is hard for some guys to think of
the mother of their baby as sexy, so you have to work at it a bit to prove them wrong, show them you
are still the hot bitch they once lusted after. All you can really do is be yourself, and dress/act sexy
around him when the baby is asleep, or if you have the money, get a baby
sitter once a week (or trade with another Mom) and insist you two go out together on a date (don’t call it a date).
Paying a baby sitter is far better then paying for a therapist which would
make him feel like you are accusing him of fucking things up. Don’t even
mention the word THERAPY! He is being a normal man, they get bored with the
whole baby thing and/or domestic routine. Make sure you find time for him, just
like before the baby came. Don’t talk about it the change, just do it. Dress hot when you two go out and
get my secret weapon perfume "Hypnotic Poison" by Christian Dior. NO man can resist
this smell. Offer him a massage after you two go out- this is the prefect way to get him
loose and in the mood without being too forceful. It would be best to let him make the first move and if it
never comes; if he never wants sex with you again, you have to either accept it or move on, no one should
stay in a relationship that has no touching, caring, sex or passion.
Dr.Dot