From Heaven to Hell in one evening (by way of Massachusetts)

You know I am here in Mass, Wakefield to be exact, visiting Betsy (my Mom type friend) and waiting to massage Kiss today (Thursday) and Friday, that is, if they don’t cancel last minute like some rock stars do, because, well, they are rock stars dammit and can do what they want when they want to.

Anyhow, last night proved to me that MASS is much more uptight then CT, and here I was thinking that CT has Nazi’s as cops, you know, following you around while you drive, making you nervous until you do something wrong, then they pull you over and give you a ticket. I thought NO cops can be more uptight than CT cops, they are power hungry, control freak Nazi wanna be muther fuckers. Honest, if you don’t believe me, ask the folks who live there. At least they let me slide with my German drives license, but NOT in MASS.

 I tired to go out Tuesday night to a SHIT hole in Malden MASS called Rain to do karaoke and you would think since it was raining its ASS off and there were only 5 people in the whole place, including the wanker bouncer type dude who called himself Jimmy, they would WANT people to come in and buy some drinks, but they made it so hard and scoffed at my German Drivers License and told me they don’t except such ID (hey, I know I look young, but come ON I definitely look older than 21) BUT no, even though I had a wallet full of other ID (none with a photo on it) and many credit cards that prove who I am (well, that match the name on my German License) he was flexing his power muscle and refused to let me in.I drove over 40 minutes to get there in the pouring rain and he was set on being prick of the evening. That has nothing to do with the cop behavior, I know, but he was acting worse then a cop.

 Jasmine and I were cruising around Wakefield and the surrounding towns looking for something to do on Monday night, and the local cops were following us, wondering what we were doing/looking for. Maybe it is the bumper sticker on the back of my car that pisses the cops off (?) It reads ‘Ass, Gas or Grass, no one rides for free” then next to it is another sticker of Homer Simpson, mooning you and pointing at his bare ass, as in, KISS MY ASS (he has that expression on his face,hard to explain). But, Jasmine and I did discover, this Pilgrim type white bread area closes down at 10 p.m. sharp, the ONLY thing open within a 45 minute drive is a 7/11 (for those of you who don’t know what a 7/11 is, it is a shop that NEVER closes, and I mean, NEVER and they are ALL over the US and always operated by men from India, Bangladesh or any of those surrounding countries, hence the accent of the one running the Kwiki mart in the Simpsons).

Anyhow, this is a NO fringe blog week, no fancy colors, no photos, no links, it is the bare blog, as I have to write it on a MAC and the usual options are not visible on Betsy’s MAC 🙁 So, tonight, I experienced a bit of Heaven on earth. I searched online for a Massage Therapist in this area and found an angel. Her name is Chris and she runs her own spa type clinic near here and I proposed to her the idea of joining the Dr. Dot army }:) We made an appointment and I went to her and she gave me a rub down. She is an angel, so strong and naturally pretty. She painted her clinic all on her own, decorated it herself too and it smells lovely, looks cozy and clean and very professional. Her team is extremely educated and talented too. I hired her and she will be on our site as soon as I get back to civilization where I can download my new photos and blog normally again (say, next Tuesday probably).Until then, you can check out her web site at: of course you have to copy and paste it into your browser as I can not do the fancy link adding with my basic, naked blog features on the MAC 🙁

 After a nice long chat and getting to know each-other, we were amazed at how many things we have in common and it felt meant to be, she told me she was ready to try to get her hands on stars again, as she used to work in a Hotel in Boston and did get to massage some stars there, like Motley Crue, Jamiroquai and many famous athletes and play writes. Since she has been busy they last fews years with her Spa, she hasn’t had the time or contacts like she used to, so it was strange that I contacted her, as she said that is exactly what she wanted.

I left and headed south on I 95 to a town called Canton, MASS. I found out about a place online that has karaoke on Wednesday nights. It is called T K O’Sheas on Neponset street. It was like walking onto the set of the Wedding Singer (didn’t you see that movie yet?) The few chicks in there all had this perm gone wrong and acid washed jeans, deep evil tan that has left their skin looking like beef jerky. The female DJ had it out for me right away (did you expect anything else?) She looked like the woman in “Something about Mary” who shows her tits, you know, the loud neighbor lady who is so brown from tanning? I dressed WAY DOWN as not to ruffle any feathers/egos, I know better. I wore army pants and a light purple sweater with ‘don’t shag me sandals’ and a jean jacket.

 Still, she made me wait AGES to get to the mic and I did my best version of Bobby McGee to test the waters. I noticed she didn’t like me when she CRANKED the echo effect which made it sound like I sang every word twice. The sound system sucked anyways, even the amp in my car could blow her system away. Anyhow, I noticed most men sang two times each then it was finally (90 minutes later) my turn again and I belted out Black Dog (Led Zepp) which was drowned out by the Dj chatting loudly to a bunch of Metro Sexual Yuppies who has strolled in just as I started the song. These guys had the same eyebrows as Sharon Stone had in Basic Instinct. Honest. Each one of them sang a Billy Joel song which only made me despise them more. I am starting to hate Bon Jovi, Billy Joel, Sinatra and Bruce Springsteen’s tunes because of OVERPLAY in karaoke clubs. In NYC, every fuck thinks they should do one of the four aforementioned groups because they are in the NYC/NJ area. Karaoke clubs and bars play these groups over and over and OVER again, it almost makes you sea sick.

Back to the Hell part of this blog.No, it wasn’t the old permed-like-your-mama’s-nasty-poodle DJ wench, it gets worse. The bar is shaped like a doughnut so you can see everyone and vice versa. I noticed trouble brewing and was praying to GOD to let it start AFTER my next song as I waited another HOUR to sing and I was sure I would be next ( I was almost ready to bribe the bitch, but since I blew $260 the other night doing just that, I behaved). Suddenly two fat guys started yelling at each-other (note, most are fat as there isn’t much else to do except eat and fuck, and like Chris Rock says, after the fucking frenzy cools down, you just eat anyways, so don’t get married!). The two hot heads (who reminded me of two horny roosters fighting over a hen in heat) started pushing each-other and swinging at each-other and YELLING really loud while some guy was still trying to sing and suddenly one of them takes a bottle and SMASHES it right in the other hot heads FACE making him bleed ridiculous amounts of blood, which of course started a mini war in the bar amongst all the alcohol/testosterone loaded males. It was a loud blood bath and even a woman got beat (accidentally) hard.

The music stopped, everyone who was sane called the cops, but still the fight went on and on, and it even tried to spread to guys who were just sitting at the bar, seems like once a fight is on, it is like a tornado that wants to suck everyone into it. It was horrible. Almost everyone in there had blood on them, be it their face, body and or clothing. Nasty! The frizzy gum snapping Dj was busy packing her equipment away, using this as an excuse to stop early, she looked almost relieved. ( I suggested to the guy next to me to sing either “everybody was kung fu fighting” or “give peace a chance” but the bitchy poodle wasn’t going for it. I went outside after I saw 8 cop cars, an ambulance AND of course, in America no fight in complete without a GIANT fire truck. I didn’t understand what they were doing there, perhaps to hose down the hot heads? I think since 9/11 American firemen like to cash in on that “firemen are hero’s” thing and hope some hot babe notices them in their sexy uniforms, hence, increasing their chances to get some trim. I asked one of the cops outside (who ALSO had the same Sharon Stone shaped eyebrows, which leads me to believe, in Canton, there must be some smoking hot chick who runs a waxing salon and the guys just can’t seem to stay away from her and let her have her way with her hot wax). I asked him “do people still fight in bars?” he said “yes maam” and I said “that is SO 80’s” and then told him my car was blocked in by two cop cars and I GOTTA GO.

I left that huge mess, happy it wasn’t me for a change in the middle of it. At least I had some excitement tonight, as to say I get bored easily is a massive understatement. I will have to resort to eating Ben and Jerry’s again as there is no sex or chocolate around for me. Notice one year ago, in my August 2003 blog,I was also here in Wakefield, with the same shit going on. No sex, just ice cream! You can also shoot back to that time in my blog to see photos of Wakefield, it may be a tad dull, but it is one of the most beautiful towns around.

I was told recently there are many ghost around, which is just grand, me having mighty sleeping disorder(s)- I can now find many more reasons NOT to sleep. Great. “Oh, but they are FRIENDLY ghosts” nice one, but will they watch when I view my “adult” dvd later? FYI, the expect you to drive 55 miles per hour here on the highway.

 As LAME as that song is, I have to quote Sammy: Gonna write me up for 125 Post my face wanted dead or alive Take my license, all that jive I can’t drive 55!