George W. Bush: Resume/Job Application

This individual seeks an executive position.  He will be available next
January, and is willing to relocate.
  1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
  Washington, DC 20520

  Law Enforcement:
  I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the
influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver’s
license suspended for 30 days.  My Texas driving record has been “lost” and
is not available.

  I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a
drug test  or  answer  any  questions about my drug use.  By joining the
Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

  I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.  I was a

  I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.  I began my career in the oil business
in Midland, Texas, in 1975.  I bought an oil company, but couldn’t find any
oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I
bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land
using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil
industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

  I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, Texas the
most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los
Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.  I cut taxes and bankrupted
the Texas treasury to the tune of
  billions in borrowed money.  I set the record for the most executions by
any governor in
  American history.
         With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my
father’s appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing
by over 500,000 votes.

  I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal
record.  I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over
one billion dollars per week.  I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively
bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.  I shattered the record for the largest annual
deficit in U.S. history.  I set an economic record for most private
bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.  I set the all-time record for
most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
  I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S.
stock market.  In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost
their jobs and that trend continues every month.  I’m proud that the members
of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My
“poorest millionaire,” Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after
  I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most
corporate campaign donations.
  My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends,
Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S.
History, Enron.
  My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to
assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation
or prosecution.  More time and money was spent investigating the Monica
Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest
corporate rip-offs in history.
  I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to
intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.  I
presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.  I changed the
U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to  administration than any President
in U.S. history.
  I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in
the history of the United States government.
         I’ve broken more international treaties than any President in U.S.
         I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations
remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
         I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
         I refused to allow inspector’s access to U.S. “prisoners of war”
detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
         I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations
election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
         I set the record for the fewest numbers of press conferences of any
President since the advent of television.
         I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year
period.  After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the
worst security failure in U.S. history.
         I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World
Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated
country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
         I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), the record
for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
         I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,
pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.
         I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of
U.S. citizens, and the world community.
         I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut
in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
         In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for
attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
         I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans
(71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
         I am supporting development of a nuclear “Tactical Bunker Buster,”
a WMD.
         I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden
to justice.

         All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my
father’s library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
         All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my
bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
         All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President,
attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and
unavailable for public review.


Back in the US now. Got thrashed BIG time at the Berlin airport by an employee for being American “Go back to BUSH!” she snapped. Got lots of shit for being a yank over there.Can’t please em all I suppose. Happy Fathers Day daddy-o and yesterday was Jasmines Birthday- chaos pure.

Jet lagged as expected


Oh, thanks to my pal John for the Bush joke  😉