Tag: blog

Posted on

Ralf and the Hen

Ralph and the Hen

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said,

"You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned.

"I'm dead? No, I can't be, I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past.

"So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad." replied Ralph the hen, " but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, ". obviously you've never laid an egg before.
Well, just relax and let it happen. It's no big deal." said the rooster.

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped his first egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout…..

"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up! You're shittin' in the bed!"


Posted on

A grand night out

So it's been a while since I've seen my friend Jill. She is from London but her Mom was from Barbados. She has a sweet English accent and is a total rock chick. You may remember her from my Motorhead Blog . She lives in London but comes back to NYC often as she has a flat in Brooklyn. Anyways, even though she may not LOOK like a rocker, she is. Whenever we go out to karaoke, she sings Led Zepp or some other hard core rock band. She tells it like it is and I adore her. 

 

 

I WILL pass the scratch and sniff test.

 

"Every girl's crazy bout a sharp dressed man" ^

"she only comes out a night, The lean and hungry type
Nothing is new, Ive seen her here before
Watching and waiting
Shes sitting with you but her eyes are on the door….ooo wooo, here she 

comes, watch out boy, she'll chew you up, woooo oooh here she comes,

she's a man eater" 

 

Ok. let me explain who THAT^  is. I have been going to Iggy's karaoke bar for a few years and Mariam is a fixture in the joint. She never shows up until after midnight, when all guys are good and drunk and sure enough, this sugar mama scores every time. She absolutely LOVES my friend Jonesy, but it's been so long since he's been there (and his hair is darker now) she didn't even recognize him last time we went in to sing. She kept comin up to him saying "don't I know you?" and he tried to avoid eye contact as she really crowds him ALL night. He even had the DJ call him under his real name "Chris" so she wouldn't suspect that it was really him. heh heh. 

 

 

Jill on the mic. Sandwiched by two NYC men

 

I could not stop laughing at Jill giving Jacob (below)  shit for farting in my car. She was BRUTAL on the poor guy.

 

Looks better than he smells ^  Jacob, aka "Mr. Farty pants" 

 

Told Jacob to "get an enema to clean out your smelly rancid fucking ASS!" 

 

After karaoke we had an after hours party in my car. Burning herbs and incense to make my car smell nicer, and to TRY and combat our pal Jacob's GAS problem (which smelt like a year old bag of hard boiled eggs). Had we lit a match in my car, it would have surely exploded. He LOVES Led Zepp and Hendrix, as do Jill and I so it is fun hanging out and jammin with him but daaaaaaaaaaaaam. My eyes were watering from his smelly ass. I am starting to think this bout of Bronchitis I have wasn't triggered by jogging in the cold, but from inhaling his lethal gas. FUCK!! Yet another downside of going out to Irish pubs to sing karaoke. 

St. Patricks Day in NYC smells like a fuming compost heap of beans, beer and rotten eggs inside stinky socks by the way. Not for the faint of heart or people who have excellent sense of smell like me. Sorry if I am making your stomach turn, but you know how misery loves company…

 

I am working on a few more blogs since I am home sick so lets see how much I get done. Fucking bloody cold here in NYC, we got hammered by snow AGAIN. Mother Nature is on a rampage. I still hear Florida calling my name "Dot, come back, bake in the sun" but I also hear Berlin calling "Dot come back and freeze in the miserable below zero Berlin winter" ha ha. Oh the choices. 

 

 

Posted on

Hooter and Greenway show

Staying home on a cold Friday night here in NYC as I have my sex columns due NOW and I am on antibiotics AGAIN. My lungs couldn't handle the 5 mile jog I did Sunday night before going out to karaoke (wild night of karaoke) with my friend Jill. I am sure inhaling all the put smoke in the karaoke bar didn't help. I was jogging my ass off down in FLA without any problems, I guess I have to quit jogging in the winter OR move down South.

 

Some buddies of mine have their own radio show called The Hooter and Greenway show and they have been waiting for about a year for me to pose in their shirt so I finally did it. I have a stack of t-shirts I am suppsoed to pose in, but I never think of doing it. Doesn't cross my mind. 

(you can see Pooh to the left of me, sniffing my armpit as usual)

 

I HOPE I get over this round of Bronchitis before I fly back to Berlin (within the next ten days). NOT looking forward to landing in Berlin this time as I head it is BELOW zero (it was 19 below the other night). OMFG. I have to go, lots to do over there. Lots to do everywhere for that matter. 

Gotten used to the USA way of life again, been here since August and there are some things here that are much easier than in Europe. You don't have to force a smile out of anyone, people are happy- rich or poor, they are still happier here. Making a living in NYC is much harder, but the mood is better in general. Gas prices are SUPER low now (filled my tank for $20 the other night). GREAT FOOD everywhere here. I gained 3 kilos since August (5 pounds?) but it seems the pounds went straight to my tits anyways, so I am not moaning. I will surely hate Berlin for the first few weeks, then I will grow to love it again and hate to leave. Never ending story! I would write more now but I have to do my sex columns. 

I have some fun pics from our Sunday night out and will load them later

x

 

 

Posted on

Massage in Orange County ( OC California)


Hello!  I’m Lauren, Dr. Dot’s Assistant for Orange County, California!  I’m originally from Philadelphia, PA, but when I graduated college I had to move somewhere with nicer weather!  So here I am, in sunny Southern California and I don’t know if I’ll ever leave (except for tours!).
For as long as I can remember I have loved giving massages.  Whether it was my dad making me work out the knots in his shoulders, or my grandfather having me “tickle” his arm, I have always known the power of touch.  Naturally, I became a Licensed Massage Therapist and couldn’t be happier that I get to help hundreds of people heal their bodies.
I went to massage school at the National Institute of Technology in Long Beach, CA.  I was lucky to have amazing, extremely knowledgeable teachers who helped me grow, not only as a therapist, but as a person too.  I specialize in Deep Tissue, Therapeutic, and Swedish massage.  I am also trained in Hot Stone Massage, Craniosacral Therapy, Pre-natal Massage, Reflexology, and Chakra Clearing/Balancing.  Here’s what some of my clients have said about my work:

“Greatest massage ever. Thanks for fixing my back after I fell down the stairs (oops!)”
-Sarah Bos

“Lauren is more than a Massage Therapist. She is a natural healer, bringing love and positive energy into the lives of everyone she meets. Getting a massage from Lauren is truly a magical experience!”
-Lauren Silvi

“Best ever.”
           -Tucker Stewart of Cowalker

    I am very excited to have the opportunity to work with Dr. Dot. She is an inspiration for all therapists in that she has significantly touched the lives of so many wonderful, talented people.  I look forward to working with you and helping you release the tension and stresses of your everyday life.  If you are in or heading to the OC, email me: info@drdot.com and write "Lauren/OC" in the subject line. 

Peace, Love, and Rock N Roll!

 

 

Posted on

Ask Dr. Dot January 2009

 

This is my Sex/relationship column. I have been writing it for over 6 years. It appears in the Exberliner magazine , Penthouse forum and NY Rock as well. I always change the names around, so feel free to ask me anything and I will answer you personally and it may even make the column

x


Q.
I cheated on my bf while I was on holiday and he found out. I don’t know why I did it.
My man has been exceptionally good to me. When I was exposed he just called me a slut
and walked off. The next day he came round and demanded to know the details, saying he
could not make up his mind about me till he knew everything. I could not say anything
 because I was crying so much I couldn’t talk. He is glad I admitted to it. Should I tell
 him all about how it happened? How can I get him to stay with me? I need him in my life.
 How long will it take for us to work this over? Should I buy him a present or something
 similar……right now he will not even kiss me.


Beaver Deceiver


 

A.
For some reason Men love to know the exact details when they catch their woman cheating
 (seen the movie "CLOSER" yet?). It's best not to give him the details, as if he does
 forgive you, which it sounds like he will (if he was really done with you, you wouldn't
 have heard back from him) then he will always have that scene running through his mind".
 Just write him an email or text and tell him you were drunk,
 missed him and that you regret it with every bone in your body; you are SORRY. That's all
 you can do. Giving him a gift or apologizing too much just makes you look even guiltier.
 You didn't LOVE this guy you fucked around with; it was just a physical thing, so it
shouldn't get blown out of proportion. It's not like you were seeing him for months and
fell in love, it was just a tryst. Men understand as they can usually separate love and lust.
 Tell him going into details is difficult as you were so drunk and you don't even want to
relive such a mistake. Assure him it won't happen again and sit back, be patient and give him
some space to think. Let HIM make the first move! Otherwise you will appear desperate and it
 will remind him that you are feeling guilty; not good. Ease your mind by knowing life will
go on & what's meant to be will be.

 

Q.
My guy keeps bugging me for anal sex. I have heard from ALL of my friends that it hurts and
 it’s unpleasant. He practically begs me, says “If you love me you’ll allow it at least once”.
 I do love him but his dick is already too big for my vagina. I need help, fast.


Exit Only Alice



A.
Men always think we LOVE having a hard cock rammed up our poop shoot because they see porn
stars begging for it in their “movies”. Fact is, it hurts; especially if the man is well hung.
 His begging for your tighter hole is similar to you begging for him to have a wider cock.
 If you let him try it once, he is bound to love your tight ass and will be gagging for it
all the time. If you’re against it, don’t open Pandora’s Box or it will be a major pain in the ass.



Q.


 I've been dating this girl for almost 7 months. Most of her guy friends
are guys that she has slept with in the past. She says that she has
only been with a few guys like 8 or something but she still hangs out
with half of them. Like going out to lunch and sometimes dinner. Always
exclusively and never with her friends while I'm at work. Is this good
girlfriend behavior? She says they are all just her friends and I believe
her but it makes me uncomfortable…I don't hang out with anybody that
I slept with in the past except one of my ex girlfriends who I dated
 and calls my girlfriend more than she calls me so that’s a lot different.
 Anyway one guy that she went to lunch with a week ago and also slept
 with in the past. Sent her a text message at like 10 or 11 at night
 asking her to hang out. She said she was watching a movie with me but
then he replied that he would try harder when she was single. That
really upset me and she was really upset when I brought it up she said
 that he was drunk and isn't like that normally. She didn't reply to the
text message after he said that. She also talks to her ex boyfriend of 4
 years a lot. Sending myspace comments back and forth and texting. He
 even brought her over a gift last week. She's pregnant.. with my baby.
  It's important to that I work these things out with her. What
 am I supposed to do here? Is it wrong for me to tell her that she
needs to cease relationships with past flings? How do I tell her that?


Nervously Neil

 


A.


Ok, she has all the power now. So you can not tell her what to do,
or even suggest it at this point. Do NOT mention them again!
Once the baby is born, she won't have any extra time for these
clingy fools. Just concentrate on her and put the blinders on to the
Ex boyfriends. They are her ex's; you are her guy and father to the baby.
You need to be more mature (I know they are aggravating and irritating
but do not let them win). Offer her foot rubs, lower back rubs and
just be fun to be with. She will want to be with you rather than them.
Like I said, when the baby comes, those wankers will just blend into the
Past; they will be history as her baby and you will keep her more than
busy and hopefully, content.

How to win ANY woman over ^

 


Q.


Why do all the best men end up with bitches? My husband and I have a male friend
 who is the perfect guy; he’s handsome, has money, is smart, ambitious & treats
women perfectly. Over the last 5 years I’ve seen him be screwed over repeatedly.
 He attracts moody, selfish women; of course in the beginning they’re nice.
 Quickly the worm turns & they mistreat him. This guy is a very confident,
successful business man. It pains me to see such a great man wasted. All these
bitches use him like a credit card. Double dates kill me! It’s not fair because
some of my girls swoon over him but he’s always taken by some slut and of course
 being the man he is he is very loyal, doesn’t flirt. Should I intervene?


Meddling Mary

 

A.
Ever heard the term "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen"? A lot of men LOVE to be treated
like that. It turns them on. It's a challenge. I am not defending the woman you are
moaning about, I am being neutral. You say they are usually "sluts". Hmm, I wonder
 what could possibly keep him around? Dirty, hot sex perhaps? Women who have the upper
 hand are usually very confident, and that’s a huge turn on for most men. Not all
men want an agreeable, good girl. As hard as it may be for you to witness, that is
 what he chooses and one can not change a man. Maybe someday he will get tired of
the demanding divas and snap up one of your "girls" but I wouldn't hold your breath
 or get involved. Count your blessings you have a blissful marriage and that
you’re out of the dating game.