My column will no longer be in the NY Press as of Sept. 12 2007

"Dear Ms. Stein,

As you may know, the New York Press has recently changed owners, and is making
changes to the editorial content of the paper. As a result, we will no longer
be running your column in the Press, as of the September 12 issue.

Thanks for your contributions to the Press.


David Blum"
New editor-in-chief
I heard the new owners are very conservative and don't want any sex in their new and improved paper. 
Now I am looking for a new paper who has the balls to host my column. The Village Voice would be the best
but they already have a sex column.. Syndicating it would be even better. How does one do that? 

Project/Object – Frank Zappa tribute Band (tour dates)


October dates

16 TBA

Dr. Dot …… the fag hag

< NOT gay

Ok I think it's best I make a few tiny blogs at this point, rather than one giant one. I had a LONG flight to NYC and luckily I sat next to a cheery lad named Bryan. He is from Wisconsin and was in Berlin visiting his girlfriend (who was an exchange student in th USA for one year). She made him a shirt, that he had on, that said "I LOVE STEFFI" with a picture of them two together. The boy is LOVE SICK. 

He and I chatted the whole flight and suffered together the WHOLE flight. It's not bad enough that it's 9 hours but they took an extra hour deciding when to fucking take off. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. We had an empty seat between us so it was ok. Poor kid had to change planes in NYC and missed his connecting flight and had to wait 6 hours for the next flight (he told me this on line). Have you ever seen the flick "planes, trains and automobiles"? You get the drift. HELL. 


 ^ I am wearing a string thong fyi …. (Mein arsch ist 'ne slip fresser)

It doesn't take me long to get back into the swing of things. Hanging out with my gay friends, baring our asses all over the place.. Danny is starting to get into karaoke, like me. He sings Abba "Waterloo" and "Sweet Transvestite" from the Rocky Horror Picture show soundtrack and "I touch myself" by the Dyvinls (sp?). He also belts out "you ain't woman enough to steal my man".

I sang "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse, "Coshise" by Audioslave, "Hurt so good" by John Cougar and"what's love go to do with it" by Tina Turner. Things are rather slow, erm, empty in the city, but I am sure that will change after Labor Day. Then it gets packed again. 

 ^VERY gay  Kiss

Danny and I ate at my favorite restaurant, the Yaffa Cafe (St. Marks Place). It's open 24/7 and has EVERYTHING. The cooks are outrageous and it's cheap.The gaudy, tacky surroundings keep your eyes busy throughout the meal if you get sick of looking at your dinner date. Perfect for taking pics.  

Danny is in school to be a TV writer. We are already working on our first screen play too. My idea, but he will have to write it, as I haven't the time. It's a movie, well, centered around music, that's all I can tell you for now, snap. 

I can't believe Danny has never posed at Times Square yet. He almost got run over, pants down and all. Anyways, I am happy to be back in the USA, NYC fucking ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel overwhelmed though, as I have to write my weekly column today and I STILL have not finished my Zappanale blog. UGH!! I have to do it within 48 hours or I will enter "self loathing" territory and won't be able to sleep. If I don't write, I feel constipated. Like posting a big blog makes me feel lighter, you know that feeling I am talking about. Like you just took the BEST dump ever. I am a blog addict. I admit it. It's 7am and the sun is shining and I am STILL UP. Back to my old sleep pattern. The sun is over rated anyways.



ps. I got a call from a VIP, so I could be going to Philly this weekend to massage them. Would LOVE to say who it is, but that would jinx it.. Cool


Ask Dr. Dot

Feel free to ask me anything. I always change the names, so no need to be shy…

My column, "Ask Dr. Dot"  can also be seen weekly at:






I was wondering why my girlfriend always gets bladder and urinary tract infections.
 Do you think she is fucking around behind my back? Is it me she is allergic to?
This happens to her like every couple of months so I just find it hard to believe.
Pessimistic Pete

It’s common for women to get those. Smashing the tip of your cock into her clit
(which is
directly above the urethra) forces bacteria up into the bladder and urinary tract.
I know men do this in porn flicks, so men think it’s a smooth move, but it can
cause females many trips to the gyno. Also, hopefully she already knows that wiping
 front to back is healthier than wiping back to front (dragging all that nasty
 bacteria from the back door to the front is a recipe for trouble) ditto with
sleeping in a thong. Make sure you wash your hands with soap and hot water before
 you two do the wild thing as well. Now you know she is prone to them, help her
prevent them. If she was fucking around behind your back, she would come down with
 much worse things than a balder infection (if she was dumb enough to go bareback that is).

Last year, I was 38, and for the 1st time ever, a woman took a liking to me, and
invited me over one night.  Before this, I had never even held a female’s hand. My
life has always been so lonely.  So the first night, she totally seduced me and I
tried to resist but eventually gave in. I have never been so scared or excited in
my whole life.
This went on two weekends a month, after midnight as not to disturb her 2 children
(single Mom).
I was never happier, but lost in a magical world of confusion.  Her life changed,
 and she could no longer be with me, but my love for her was/is too overwhelming.
She seemed to be the girl I’ve always dreamed of but now she changed, pulled the
love rug straight from out under me.
I was gutted. We still chat online, as she is going through a tough time, but I
miss her and our dirty romps. 
 I have no friends to confide in, so I turned to the Internet.  I made friends,
 poured out my feelings on a forum, and a lady who was going through the same thing got
to know me and since Feb we have had chats and cyber sex on a daily basis.  We both
 lost control it feels, and she is as much in love with me, as I was with my ex-g/f.
  But she lives in another country.  She will not leave there because of family
(she is a single Mom), and I don't feel ready enough to leave here.

I still love my ex but she has no intention of a relationship.
Do I run and hide from both?  Do I move to the woman who has already proposed 3 times.
The online sex is amazing, but we started this at a time when neither of us was thinking
 clearly.  The poor lady is lost without our daily chats.  I feel for her, but if my
relationship failed so fast here, what chance does moving country really have?  We have
never even met.
 Both women are mistrustful and viciously jealous, and as much as I crave companionship,
I don’t want to hurt anyone.  What on earth have I gotten myself into? I feel totally
 out of control.  Like a small child, out of his
depth in love/life matters he has no knowledge of.  I feel like a cheat, a liar, dirty,
used, afraid and lost.

Lost in Cyber Space Sal

Online romances often lead to huge disappointments. I don't know ONE happy couple that
 met online. The internet has a way of making things looks better than they really are.

With an online romance, there is no trash to take out, no grocery shopping, no monthly
 bill discussion or bad breath in the morning. No farting under the covers, no expensive
 dinners, it's JUST the foreplay part of the relationship, which is what makes it so
 appetizing. Even if you meet the person you are fondling yourself for on web cam, and
 the sex is indeed great, you will eventually go home again and maybe think "wow, that
 was amazing" but it's still, not reality! You have to live in the same area, separately
 and date for a while before you really get to know someone for real. Then, and only
then, can you build a proper relationship. Even long distance relationships are hard
as when you visit her or vice versa, one of you will have A LOT of free time as you will
 be "on vacation" but the other one still has their normal routine (work, shopping,
and housework) and they will feel overwhelmed with this visitor up their ass 24/7.
Point is, I think you should wean yourself off of your online pacifier, no matter how
 hard it is, as it is just a waste of your reality time! Use the experience you learned
from the other indecisive woman who lives near you as a way of chatting up new ladies.
Now you KNOW the game, go and use the info to your advantage.
Go out to pubs (never mention this crazy shit you have going on to new ladies fyi)
  or go take a yoga class/aerobics class and meet new women. If they ask what became of
your "ex" say “she moved away” end of story.
You are not alone; this society breeds lonely people who nurse their lonely hearts
online. It's not BAD, but it's not reality. You only live one time so get out of the house
 and meet some REAL people near you. Moving doesn't sound like a bad idea either, but
 never move for/to someone, just do it because you want to.


I am tired of failed relationships. I try everything (cooking all the time,
 dressing nice, letting them move in, buying them nice presents, doing all
the house work, etc)  to keep them around, but it never works out, what do
I have to do to keep them around?

Lady Jane


NOTHING. Don't do anything you wouldn't normally do, be yourself. If they still
come and stay, it will last longer. Some people put up a false front when they
 meet someone new. This is unwise, as sooner or later the real you will come
through and the change may be a shocking let down. In fact, a woman who gives
too much makes a man feel strange and could encourage a lazy & ‘take you for
granted’ attitude. Just be yourself and sooner or later, some one will adore
the real you. Putting too much effort into things is exhausting and when you
tire, it could back fire. And as I’ve said many times before, lots of oral sex
and laughter will make anyone more desirable.

Steve Vai & Dublin (great combo)


Been beyond busy, hence the delay….

Ryan Air has extremely cheap flights to Ireland so I decided to pop over to Dublin to have a look, meet my two girlfriends from Boston, Christin and Nicole (who brought another gal pal with them named Christy). The main focus of the trip was the Steve Vai show  on July 24th. I arrived a few days early to really get to know Dublin. It didn't take long as it's very small. I was surprised already on the plane that the pilot and flight attendants were all Polish. Then I took a cab to my hotel, and my cabbie was Polish.

Checked into my hotel (I stayed at the Harding Hotel in Dublin, which was pretty cheap and very central) and the staff was 90% Polish (the rest were Turkish). The only Irish person in the whole hotel was the bar tender. This may sound normal to you but I thought I would meet lots of Irish people there, but I didn't. I love Polish people.. I know a few and one even works for me, so I have nothing against Polish people what so ever. If anything, we bond in Germany when we are fed up with the Berliners sometimes. 

But I could not get over how Dublin is predominantly Polish. Holy fucking Kielbasa! 

Knowing I have a massive sleep disorder (have to have the room pitch black with a fan running to drown out any noise and it has to be cool; almost cold for me to sleep AND I have to have ear plugs too) I rang the hotel ahead of time and pleaded with them to give me a very quiet room. Imagine the surprise when I looked out my window and saw this church ^ which has an hourly church bell habit as well as the busy street below that hosts a nightly parade of drunks shouting at each other. 

Oh well, the bed was fucking amazing. It is the first time ever that I actually slept in the bed at a hotel. I always drag all the bedding onto the floor and sleep there. The bed was the fucking bomb. I like my bed the same way I like my guy, big and hard.  

Not sure if you saw the two videos I made about my Dublin trip, if not, click HERE for part 1

and HERE for part 2.  

That building above is the Dublin Castle. When I saw it I asked people in the parking lot, who looked equally confused if that was the castle. I suppose good things come in small packages, but is that also true when it comes to men and castles? 

 ^ That is the Dublin Police head quarters. They still use the Irish language, Gaelic, hence the word, Garda, instead of Police. All the cops wear vests and shirts etc, that say "Garda" NOT "Police". Garda looks rather Spanish to me, but then again weren't they conquered ages ago by the Spanish? Don't quote me on that.. but still, many Irish people have dark brown eyes, dark hair and look a tad Spanish… Then there's the other lot, with ginger or fair hair and light eyes, which are probably products left by the Vikings when they took over. If the Irish would stop fucking drinking so much, maybe people who stop kicking their asses. heh heh.

My favorite look would be the really dark hair and light eyed combo. They are to die for. They usually have naturally blood red lips and pale skin to go with the dark hair and light eyes, like Cillian Murphy (SCHWING!)

or like my ex boyfriend Alister Matthews from Northern Ireland (been there many times but this was my first trip to the South). 

Sorry, I can't be bothered to get up, dig for a picture of Alister to scan in and post on here, but he looks a lot like Cillian. sigh.

Oh I really played the tourist in Dublin. I basically had my camera in my hand at all times. Even in the rain. By the way, it was fucking FREEZING and wet 99.9% of the time I was there. Bring WARM rain proof clothes no matter what time of year you visit Ireland, K?

That picture ^ is of the back court yard of the Castle. It is gorgeous there. Must be even more so when the fucking sun shines. 

More of the court yard ^

These Ducks were chillin' in the Castle courtyard, getting hand outs from the tourists. If I was a duck, I would probably live there too. Free food, gorgeous castle, etc . Cute…………… 

My foot, on tour as usual ^ 

My first night there was spent at the Purdy Kitchen, a popular bar at Temple Bar (area of Dublin where people drink until they vomit on a daily basis).

The two karaoke DJ's above have the biggest


song list I have ever seen. The one on the left with the facial hair, is Wez. He also sings for a U2 cover band, so it was a treat when he grabbed the mic and belted out a few U2 songs. They both sang 4 songs EACH before they started letting karaoke whores like me grab the mic. I told them if they pulled that in NYC they would be smacked around. We don't like the DJ's to sing too often know what I mean? The place is packed every night but Thursday is karaoke night if you are heading there and love to sing and/or watch people sing.  

I know, I KNOW, I have to learn about "Red Eye Reduction". I can't hear that anymore. I am trying to work that out.. DOH!

< Real Irish peoople!

Holy FUCK! These were the first Irish people I met in Dublin. To meet a real Irish person in Dublin is like meeting a rock star. Can I have your fucking autograph? There are so few of them, you quiver when you finally meet one. I suppose Dublin is like any major city. It's a melting pot. I get it now. Dublin happens to be the most expensive melting pot I have ever come across and I am not a penny pincher, believe me. Save up baby if you want to go to Dublin. Oh, the two DJ's are Irish too…. 

oh, my hotel has karaoke every Friday night, and it fucking ROCKED! 

A view from the tour bus I jumped on.. All the smokers have to stand out side. Boo fucking hooooo. Cool



The Guinness family has to be the richest family in Ireland. EVERYONE drinks the dark brew. I have never even tried it, so I didn't bother taking the tour of the brewery. I once stayed over at Miranda Guinness's house in like 1993. Her sister is currently dating Paul McCartney (lucky betch). My pal Alan Dunn of the Rolling Stones (logistics manager and Mick's right hand) is very good friends with Miranda and she used to be Mick's personal assistant for years… long story, but Alan brought me there once to hang with Miranda and her then beau Keith. She had a gorgeous house, almost as big as the Dublin castle. Where am I going with all this trivia? No idea. It's 4:20am. inhale. exhale. 4:20. 

Random statue in Pheonix Park (the largest enclosed park in Europe). The tour bus driver was telling everyone what each statue was blah blah blah, but he spoke so fast and with such a heavy accent, I only caught like 50% of the info.. 


Maybe it sounds dumb, but somehow Dublin reminded me a bit of Venice. Lots of water ways, cute bridges and Italians. 

I gave him 1 euro. Hope he called his mom like he said he would.

 Colors galore. American's galore. Temple bar, is PACKED with yanks. I met and heard more Americans in Dublin then I do in NYC. 

The street performers (buskers) were extremely entertaining. There is always a party brewing on the streets of Dublin. I asked everyone around if it is just like this in the summer and they insisted it is like that all year round.  






These ladies caught my eye for obvious reasons. They are so friendly and sweet. They are in a group for ladies over 50 called the

Red Hat Society . Hey! Madonna can join now. Her birthday is today. Happy Birthday Madge. x

Look at what was wandering the streets of Dublin ^     *sigh*  Kiss

My FAVORITE hang out in Dublin ^

If you love rock and roll, go there. They have two floors of ROCK. The bottom floor has two rooms, one with death metal and one with classic rock. It is of course, smoke free and packed with cool folks. Oh yeah, I eventually found more Irish people. They all hang North of Dame street, like Trinity street, Grafton street. AWAY from Temple bar, where all the tourist are.. 

< Thin Lizzy ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO, I am not pounding a beer. I have never even tried a beer. That is cider. I discovered it is hard to find decent wine in Dublin, as they love their beer, so I went for cider instead. My favorite, Bulmers light. Yummy as fucking, no hang over head ache and it's not filling. I was not paid to write that, I swear. 

Local Rock fan.. think his name was John. Any fan of AC/DC is a friend of mine. Hell yeah.


That ^ is U2's hotel. Not the hotel they stay in, the hotel they OWN. I didn't stay there as I think the rooms start at 500 euro a night. Guess they need the money. Speaking of hotels, if you didn't see my youtube Dublin videos, you didn't hear me say that you are NOT allowed to have guests in your hotel room in Ireland. Not even for a minute to help with your bags. Not even to get, or give a massage. If you book a double room, you can naturally have that person that is also registered in your room, but ONLY registered guest can go in your room. I am not kidding or exaggerating for fun. I called many hotels and asked about this, thinking mine was prude. They all have this rules. A few years ago a man brought a woman to his hotel room (gasp) and he passed out and she robbed him blind. He then sued the hotel (the Jury hotel to be exact) for over 50,000 euro. That is maybe a factor. At any rate, if you want get a massage or make out, you will have to do it outside, in the rain. The observation cameras attached to most walls outside will just add to the excitement. 

Two New Englander Rock chicks at  your service ^

Christin and I weathering the erm, weather.  


I couldn't get enough of the sights

The night before the Steve Vai show was a blast. A lot of the Vai fans met and partied, as you can see ^

You can see me hiding behind the big mouthed insane fucker from Spain. He was mental. Fun! But mental.  

Steve gives a little talk and Q & A with his fans before each show. He calls this intimate meeting the "Evo ". Naturally not everyone gets to attend the Evo, it cost a bit, but it's worth it. I luckily got to see it for free as I was there to massage him and his band. I felt guilty getting in there for free, as I think it cost like 200 euro to enjoy an Evo. He has two guitars, I heard, one called Evo and one called Flo.  


We met a hard core Vai fan at the Evo called John. Christin and Nicole were front and center of the Evo, as usual. If you google "Dedicated Fan" you will probably see a picture of these two "crazy red heads" as Steve adoringly calls them. 

Steve treats his fans better than any artist,r ockor pop star I have ever met. He really takes care of them. Takes lots of time answering their questions (even if they don't go to the Evo,  and they just meet him after the show outside, etc).

He is so fucking cool. Love the Vai! 


I had my Dublin massage assistant, Bernice, who is originally from Spain, join me at the gig to massage. Her sister, Wanda, also works for me in Kilkenny, Ireland. Bernice ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

< Michelle

 Another hard core Vai fan, Michelle, from Belfast. She drove down for the show and showed us her new Steve Vai tattoo. Oh, I forgot to mention, if you pay to go to the Evo, you get to witness the sound check too. You also get an autograph and to pose with Steve for a picture. What a man. x

Christin in her element ^ 


 Roger is a special sound man. He has worked with everyone. He has produced a few Little Feat albums as well.. His resume' is overwhelming. Steve begged him to do the tour. Now that is the ultimate stamp of approval. Yes. 


Steve was insanely ill that day. He had the flu, big time. He was shaking, sweating, feverish, fucking ILL! He was very hoarse too. He explained that to everyone at the Evo, but still put on an amazing show and was very pleasant. He said he even remembered the guy who gave him that virus. It was a fan in London. He was too close to him and the guy breathed on him so heavy, he could feel the virus leap down into his lungs. lol. Well, after massaging him, I felt kinda of ill, and Christin and Nicole said I must have caught the "Steve Vairus" har har har. I then passed the Steve Vairus around at the Zappanale (Frank Zappa festival- blog coming soon).

Sound checks RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am very proud of this shot ^ 

Bryan plays a mean fucking bass. His girlfriend, Kira Small  was there too. She is a singer and they both live in Tennessee. Great couple. I even bought her cd. She sings like a black woman, nice and smooth, with soul. 

No one could take their eyes off the sexy violinis. Ann Marie is pretty hot too. heh heh.

Seriously, these two are fierce. Was a pleasant addition to the show.  I asked Alex could he play "The Devil went down to Georgia" on his fiddle. He said he can not only play it, but has played it with the Charlie Daniels band together. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. 

John, like I mentioned before, is a hard core Vai fan. And nice to look at. Tongue out

The man, the legend ^ Dave Weiner

One of the wildest drummers I have ever seen or hear ^ Jeremy Colson is INSANE on the drums. 

He reminds me of the Tazmanian Devil for some reason. 


Ok, you may be wondering why I posted an old pic of Steve and I. I did get a new pic of us together, but it came out crappy and I mean really blurry/shit. So I am recycling instead. 

Jeremy has some local friends in Dublin who are tattoo freaks and apparently did a few of his tattoos and they are making a dvd about tattoos etc. and Steve was nice enough to allow them to interview him along with Jeremy. It was great to sit there and listen/witness the whole interview. Fun to hear Steve tell private stories and explain his tattoo (that he drew himself). 



The show was fucking incredible. Steve is one of the best guitarist  in the world.  His shows are so exciting and watching him play is  hypnotic.  I can't wait  for the next shows (sept in Long Island and NJ, yea  baby)…

No, I didn't take this shot ^ I nabbed it from Steve's site. I am sure he won't mind 😉

Another thing, Steve's son, Julian is 18 and in massage school right now. He wants to join my massage team. Steve said he will fly him out to where ever I am when he graduates to take the Dr. Dot massage test. I am excited. Imagine that, to have some rock and roll royal blood on my team. You can book your massage from Mr. Vai through me Laughing  yay! x

Nicole, me and Christin spreadin' the love. 


Why would I take a picture of the post office in Dublin? Because it's a special land mark. Read:

" Built in 1818, the General Post Office in O'Connell Street was designed by Francis Johnston.

In 1916 an Irish republic was proclaimed from the General Post Office by Padraig Pearse and James Connolly who were leaders of the Easter Rising.

A fire broke out, destroying most of the interior and the General Post Office was  closed until it was renovated in 1929. At the front of the building visitors can still see the shell marks of 1916."

If shell marks impress you, Berlin will make you cream your jeans.  


 Christy is a sweety. Her eyes are so pretty in person, like  a husky dog. A horny husky dog. Tongue out

Finally some color in Dublin. A pleasant change to the gray skies. Oh, before I forget, my favorite restaurant in Dublin hands down is Thai Orchid on Westmorland street. OMG, the food and service is out of this world. I ate there almost every day. I am a creature of habit. I also found a 24 hour a day internet cafe, along the river on Wellington Quay. Bring hand sanitizer and baby wipes, it's dirty and greasy as fuck, but hey, it's open 24/7.

Help block power plant on Navajo lands

Please speak out now against plans for a dirty, coal-fired power plant in New Mexico that would release mercury and other toxic contaminants into the environment, pollute waterways and threaten human health.

Go to right away and tell the Bush administration to reject the proposed Desert Rock power plant. A global energy company and the Dine Power Authority want to build the plant on the eastern edge of the Navajo Nation in northwestern New Mexico. The Four Corners region is already home to two of the most polluting power plants in the country. If we don't act now, this area could soon be besieged by a new wave of environmental hazards. In addition to mercury, the proposed Desert Rock plant would increase emissions of soot and soot-forming pollutants, which can cause asthma attacks, heart disease and other health problems.

Furthermore, the Navajo Nation would receive less than five percent of the projected electricity output from Desert Rock, even though many Navajo people still have no electricity in their homes. Most of the power would likely be exported to Las Vegas and Phoenix. Last month, NRDC Members and online activists turned out at public hearings in Albuquerque and Santa Fe to oppose the Desert Rock plant, which would significantly increase global warming pollution in New Mexico at a time when states should be working to curb these dangerous emissions.

Please add your voice to this outcry.

click  HERE to sign 

Frank Zappa, the Meerkat

One of my all time favorite show's "Meerkat Manor" is obviously written by a Zappa fan. One of the new Meerkat families are called the "Zappa" family and the dominant male Meerkat of the Zappa family is Frank. Read on:

"Having found a potential mate within the Zappa tribe, Zaphod finds his efforts hampered by Frank the Zappa's dominant male. Despite the hardships, Zaphod is determined to make a go of living alone."


Click HERE to read more about Frank Zappa, the Meerkat