Q.
I am the Husband of Tainted Tammy that has been writing you, you know "THE BITCH"
that gets it 5 times a week, for which I am extremely thankful for. My side of it
is that when we 1st met I let all my skeletons out of the closet which weren’t a lot
but I was a recreational intravenous drug user, (did it about 10 times my whole life)
I got involved with a bad bunch of people and I was the ride for the most part and
didn’t have much of a sex life due to an abusive up bringing at the hands of my
father both physically
& mentally since I was a wee boy. When it was her turn she told me she lost her virginity
@ 17 to a guy that was 21 & he raped her, so I said to myself @ that time "no big deal
she had sex with this guy 1 time it wasn’t her fault and that was the end of it" now
18 years later she is telling me it was an ongoing sexual
relationship and each time I bring it up the story changes, I was so angry at this guy
that I was going to inflict physical damage to him and get even as he took my wife’s
purity from me but now that the truth has come out I feel I can’t hurt this guy because
now I see it was consensual on both parties. This all could’ve been avoided if she was
just up front from the beginning; I would have married her anyway but I almost feel
like she got me on false pretenses, I love her with all my heart but the deceit really
hurts after all these years, thanks,
Mr. Bitch
A.
That part was left out in her email to me; I didn't know she was lying about her past.
But the past is the past and I totally frown upon the idea of digging up one's
“skeletons”, unless there’s children involved. Since you were abused in the past,
honest and purity must be extra important to you; hence her blurry past is eating you
alive. Take her for a walk and have her tell you the whole freakin’ story once and
for all. Say "tell me the truth and I shall drop it forever!". Let her vent and keep
your word, just let it slide, otherwise it will just be a constant annoyance and it
will drive you both apart.
If you love each other and want to stay together, you need to clear this shit up. She
said you were “depressed and
not the same anymore.” Why not tell her why? You have to communicate or it won't work.
Just because you weren't the first guy IN your woman, doesn't mean she isn't pure. She
has been with you for years, and she has sex with you very often, that shows that her
love for you is pure. You can't beat that. Let the past die, it's over, done with and
know that we all make mistakes.
(*note: the wife has since written and they’ve cleared everything up and are happy
as clams in water)
Q.
I’m pregnant and very horny most of the time. My husband seems to be into it. We got
married recently and he wanted kids right away, so here I am, pregnant and jealous.
My first husband cheated and I’m paranoid again. I try to keep telling myself men cheat.
I don’t ever want to be divorced again. I know if he did cheat I would have to cheat
just to build up my ego also. I already have a child and realize how hard it is on a marriage.
I’d like to feel like I shouldn't have to worry. I’m a pretty sexual person and love my
husband and would like to feel like he only wants to be with me. He tells me he’s waited
his whole life for me and wanted to be married and have a baby. He is 37 and I’m hoping
he is really ready for all of this. He has been doing whatever he wants for so long.
Are all men going to cheat no matter what?
Nervous & Knocked-up
A.
Some men cheat; so do some women, but there are those that are satisfied with what they have.
The way you described your husband made it sound like he initiated the marriage and
pregnancy, so you really don't have to worry.
Had you trapped him in a marriage due to an "accidental" pregnancy, well, then it would
be a whole different situation. Your sex drive and confidence will keep everyone happy.
Worrying while pregnant isn't good for the baby at all and it's pointless to stress about
something that hasn't happened, so just breath deep and enjoy your bun in the oven and the
hot baker who helped make it.
Q.
My fiancé says he is scared he can't have kids because his cum looks
like water. What is this caused by & is he able to have kids still? He has not had a sex
drive since his ex gave his baby up for adoption. When we do have sexual intercourse he
only last 5-15 mins.
Quickie Queen
A.
Sperm consistency always varies. Diet, exercise and frequency of sex can all dictate how
thick or watery his juice will be. Sperm is constantly being made. Even if he just shot
his load, a new batch is already in the making and you never know if it will be clear,
cloudy, thin or chunky style.
Semen quantity differs among individuals and can also change during different times of a
man’s life. Older men usually make a milky or pearly-white spunk and if the guy doesn't
empty his balls regularly, it can turn a bit yellow and get really thick like clam (OMG!)
chowder. A lot of factors go into the appearance and consistency of semen, including diet
and ejaculation frequency. Changing any of these can alter the way your semen looks.
A nocturnal ejaculation may have more prostate fluid in it (which is whiter and thicker),
while a daytime ejaculation may have more sperm and fluid from the seminal vesicles, which
tends to be clearer and less viscous. You say he already produced a child, so I would tell
him not to worry about being impotent AND you say his sperm is very watery, so if he isn't
fucking you, he must be wanking a lot, when you aren't around. This may help him feel (1)
Good (2) In control. Since he lost control of his child, wanking may make him feel in control
of at least his cock. If he is that afraid, he should go to the Doctor and have it checked
out but I think it would be a waste of time and money and make an already tense, unfortunate
situation become that more tense, hence killing his sex drive even more. Just avoid talking
about it and give him some sexy back rubs while wearing some hot undies. Try to have him get
you off before he even attempts one of those 5 minute in and out escapades. Tsk Tsk! 
Q.
Why is it I can only cum when I think about my husband having sex with his ex girlfriends?
Any details he has given me race through my head and I act them out while
Fucking him and that is the ONLY way I can get off. I’ve never told him as I am afraid he
would think I am nuts. Am I?
Pervy Pam
A.
Wanting to love your partners past, right down to the juicy parts is nothing to be ashamed
or freaked out about. A lot of people have to let their mind wander while fucking to cum,
as sometimes the here and now is either too much or too little and letting your imagination
take over to get yourself off is a common pastime. I think it means you are just very into
his sexuality and imagining him fucking other girls is a turn on. A few people I know have
admitted to doing the same thing, just relax and enjoy your home made, in-house porn.
Q.
I am also a massage therapist and want your opinion. Sometimes when I massage male clients,
they do obnoxious things that make me feel very awkward. For example, some point their penis
South when they lay on their stomachs and I massage their back and back of their legs. I
then have to look at their cock the whole time and this grosses me out. Another popular antic
is some men lift their asses up off the table so they are almost kneeling. What the hell?
This makes me so nervous, I am thinking of just massaging females from now on.
Miss Massage
A.
Simply ask the client to “Please point your member North so I don’t accidentally graze it
with my short fingernails” should frighten their cock as soon the words leave your mouth.
If they moan about it, insist you can’t concentrate and/or cover “it” with the sheet/towel
and only work on one side at a time, keeping his jewels covered. You could be cheeky and
say “Look, it’s bad enough I have to see your balls squished onto my massage table, do us a
favor and pack your meat up under your belly”. Humor helps in stiff situations. If they have
their ass up in the air, it means their ass is an attention whore, so why let it down? Put
one hand on top of your other hand and use full force when slamming his ass down onto the
table. He will get the message loud and clear without you even speaking. If he asks, tell
him it’s the “Slam dunk method”.
Q.
I love your columns I can't get enough of them. But I have a
question; what can I do to make my breast bigger without implants?
FlatChested Ann
All of these babes have no boobs, but are still smokin' HOT ^
A.
Thanks Ann. You could eat more, get chubbier and/or take the birth control
pill which simulates pregnancy, hence, slightly bigger jugs
(downside is that you also get that clingy insecure sense of being
that pregnant women get) and smoking while on the pill is dangerous
(as if smoking wasn’t dangerous enough). If none of that sounds enticing, just
work on ass and make your oral techniques something to write home about.
Not ALL men are breast men.
Q.
I've been married for 17 years to a wonderful man. We have a major problem however.
I hate giving him a blow job, there is nothing about it I like. He really wants
it and I don't see myself giving it to him. What and how do we make this compromise?
We fight about it all the time. Please help!
Anti Oral Audrey
A.
If he’s so wonderful, why not show him some appreciation and give him what he wants
at least once in a while?
I am sure there are some things he does for you that he really could live without.
Men NEED blow jobs and if you don't give them to him, he may look elsewhere. There
is no way around it I'm afraid.
Knowing it brings him absolute pleasure should at least turn you on. Just be happy
he isn't insisting on anal sex.
Q.
I thought I finally found 'the one' in my boyfriend of ten weeks but he has a habit
that I am not sure about. We are both over 30 and have steady income but he
likes to shop-lift. It's not like I accidentally caught him, he steals then tells
me about it directly after, like a cat showing off a dead bird he just caught.
I suggested he go to therapy and he freaked out and screamed at me and said “no
wonder you were single for so long!” so he is obviously sensitive about this. At my
age, single men are hard to come by so I am wondering if I should just let his habit
slide or go through all the trouble of finding a new one AGAIN.
Lady Jane
A.
I know people who have found love at age 55, 60 and even 65. Even Paul McCartney is
dating again! Never, ever take shit because you think you will expire soon. It is
never too late to find a partner. Your sticky fingered man sounds like a touchy,
shady character that has an inferiority complex. Does he think he is Robin Fucking Hood
or what? Screaming at you because you suggested he gets help is as bad as his stealing
habit. He is a drama king, so much work; he exhausts me and I haven’t even met him.
Be happy you found all this out now and not later as ten weeks isn’t that long.
You should be able to get over him in what, 2 days? If you have trouble letting go,
imagine this kleptomaniac fathering your kids. Would he teach them to steal and shift
blame onto others when confronted? Drop that coward like a hot potato.
Q.
What do you think of my gift ideas?
1. Is a gift to my wife to have some of her favorite stuffed animals painted in that
famous painting of the dogs playing cards.
2. Is to make a mold of my cock, to make into a dildo. It would be in a factory sealed
package like you would find in a sex shop. To give out to chicks I know on Valentine's Day.
I would give it to chicks that would have sex with me if I was not married. What would
you do if you got a gift like that from a guy you were cool with but never boinked?
Anaconda Al
A.
I think you have way too much free time on your hands for a married man. The painting sounds
sweet, but her glee will surely fade if she doesn’t know about your cock toys. If the
girls you give them too aren’t single, be prepared for a major Bitchfest with their beaus.
What would I do with such a gift? If the toy was extremely massive and had a challenging
form, it would surely stir up my curiosity about the original, but would probably end up on
a shelf with the other toys, as nothing beats your own hand when it comes to doing the deed
alone. Toys are more a visual aide for your partners pleasure (“watch it go in; watch it go
out, woop-de-fucking-dooooo!). ps. No one says “Boinked” anymore do they? 
/
< I just bought this stuff and Lisa was the first to try it. Better her than me. 
< Knut with his caretaker
< HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
< Steph doesn't remember posing for this pic.
