I decided to go to Atlanta to see my family. It would have cost an arm, a leg and probably one breast to change both of my plane tickets to go to Petra’s funeral. I cried 3 days straight and it was hell trying to cope with the fact I won’t be there. My wise friends, Betsy, Andrea, Martina, Lisa and my Aunt Nancy all told me when you’re in a different country, it is ok to miss a funeral. Petra knew I loved her and that is what matters. I would freak out at the funeral if I did go, I can’t just sit there and be normal, I would be hysterical like I was at my Mom’s funeral a few years ago. I am not good with funerals. I will visit her sister Iris as soon as I can and I have sent flowers to her and arranged a massage for her as well. I will do everything I can from my end. Today is the first day I haven’t cried. I am exhausted from that and no sleep.
The plane ride to Atlanta seemed like it took ages. I feel asleep and the fucking air host (steward) kept waking me to ask if I wanted something to drink. I was like “uh, no” . I thought the closed eyes, drool and puffy blow up pillow around my neck were all clear signs that I was asleep. what an idiot. Anyhow, my Aunt Nancy (my Dad’s brother) picked me up, it was great to see her.She is not much older than I am and loves Janis Joplin. This family all has a hippie heart. My Dad, Chester Harvey Leckner the 3rd adopted me when I was 1 yr. old, so he is n fact, my Dad. He is so fucking cool. He is the one who turned me onto Zappa, in fact, he raised me on Zappa. He and my step mom Allyson (who was born in Iowa) have been married for 25 years now. They are proof that true love does exist and marriage can work. I think they are the only happily married, insanely in love, couple I know.
Tomorrow will be a huge eating festival, everyone eats, eats, eats, it’s crazy. All of America will be stuffed, bloated and tired from too much food. A nice meal with loved ones is fun, but the over indulging is so bizarre, I just don’t get this Holiday. It’s all too much food. I wonder if Thanksgiving is what makes the rest of the world loathe Americans so much. I mean the over indulgence of food, eating till it hurts, while loads of people are starving all around the globe, it’s kind of makes you wonder. My English ‘friend’ asked me what Thanksgiving was all about. I was like, you Brits started it, you came over on the Mayflower, had a big meal with the Indians, said “thanks” and started killing them off soon after. He was like “WOT?” lol..
Anyhow, I head back to NYC on Sunday, until then I will enjoy being around my family as much as I can. Jasmine is in Berlin, they don’t really celebrate Turkey Day over there, so she won’t even know it’s going on really. She got so bored the last few times I brought her to Georgia, she was like “NO WAY!” when I asked her if she wanted to come. lol. Anyhow, thanks to all the support I have gotten in the last few days, I am slowly being able to smile again , somehow feeling guilty for laughing/smiling. Feeling like “how dare you smile/laugh when you just lost a best friend?”. Self loathing is easy in these situations. I found a picture toady on-line and wanted to share it with you. You can self loathe, or you can make yourself happy. It works both ways:
