Before you read the Ask Dr. Dot, know that I am really working on another big blog, one that includes the Pennyroyals show I hosted at CBGB’s and the wild night out after. You will meet my gal pal Mechel (super cute). By the way, Jasmine was backstage at Robert Plant last week in Berlin. She said he was stuffing his face with Pizza after the show. His solo songs “sucked” but he played lots of obscure Zepp tunes and did ‘Whole lotta love’ for the encore. She is still afire from the experience. That’s my girl.
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Dear Dr. Dot,
I am not getting laid often enough. My friends call me Blue Balls. I have the gift of gab, I make every one laugh, but for some reason, the ladies aren’t falling for me. It’s spring and
I really need some action. I am not rich and I’m far from a Brad Pitt look-a-like, throw me fucking bone will ya?
Nicksui
Dear Nicksui,
You say you have the gift of gab that is half the battle. Make us laugh, entertain us but be a good listener. Girls LOVE to talk and need someone who will listen to all of their stories. Basically, they want someone who will listen them while rubbing their feet. I have mentioned this long ago, probably before you started reading my column, but a foot massage will get you there buddy. Honest, if you give long, firm foot rubs, she will want to repay you somehow, usually with sex, trust me. Every girl loves a good foot rub; it is a tiny sign of worship and adoring her. But don’t be cheap and lazy, do it often, do it for at least 20 minutes, spoil her from the feet up, insist on massaging her feet and you will be irreplaceable, hell, I would even go for a guy just for that!
Dr. Dot
Hey DD,
Since my girl started taking the pill, she is bigger and moody and totally not into sex like she used to be. Sure, now and then we get to enjoy unprotected sex, but not nearly often enough. Is it true the pill kills a sex drive or is she just not into me anymore?
JJ
Dear JJ,
As females, we are basically fucked no matter what form of birth control we choose. If we use condoms, we have to anticipate the limp dick syndrome and/or the chance of a rip or tear which could lead to a baby or a nasty disease. If we choose the diaphragm, we are not safe from disease and spontaneous sex becomes a thing of the past, what with the wrestling match in the bathroom with the slippery UFO shaped rubber thing we have to shove up our love hole, it just spoils the mood. The IUD (spiral thingy) is only good for monogamous females who have already had a baby, but you bleed non-stop for half the month usually. Ah, then the pill. We get clear skin and know exactly when the blood bath will occur, but the pill puts us in a constant state of the third month of pregnancy. Yes, you read rite. The hormones in the pill, tricks our body into thinking it is already 3 months preggy that’s why we can’t get pregnant on the pill, as we are already pregnant! How do preggy women behave? Clingy, jealous, moody, insecure, not really in the mood for more sex and usually they bloat up like a floating device. So, make up your fucking mind. If you want unprotected sex with your mate, then put up with the bloated version of your gal and expect on giving much more love and compliments to make her feel wanted and sexy/attractive. You (unfortunately) can’t have it all. Free Willy has it’s price.
Dr. Dot
Dear Dr.Dot,
My boyfriend is from a very straight conservative background. I was wondering how I can get him to loosen up and do some of the things in your column, like watch porn with me or let me strip for him.
PS. are you a real doctor?
Alice
Dear Alice,
Conservative or not, a man is a man. You don’t need words to try naughty things on him, like stripping for him. If you ask or tell him ahead of time, you may ruin the mood. Just wait until you know he is relaxed and not going anywhere, and just walk into the room, turn some sexy music on if you like, Billie Holiday for example, and start dancing slowly and remove pieces of clothing in a very sexy manner and toss them gently to him. Don’t answer any of his questions, just
smile and turn him on with your naughty moves. You can use a large mirror propped up behind you so he can get a view from all angles while you prop up one leg onto a chair and touch yourself. Men like to see entry and re-entry so don’t be shy. There is no such thing as a woman that is “too naughty” in the bed room. Avoid any thoughts of doubt as it will ruin the mood. Just know you are his favorite eye candy and men love to watch, no matter what their background is!
You can ease him into porn, the next time, don’t try to bring
it all out at once. Have him “accidentally” catch you enjoying your fingers while you watch porn one day when he gets home from work, and again, no need for words, just let him join you. If he storms off in a prude manner, do not apologize or explain, it’s sex and there is no need for explaining.
To answer your last question, am I a “real Doctor”, according to the Dictionary, I am.
Verb: To make suitable or improve by altering in a certain way. Noun: A person skilled in repairing or improving something broken or flawed.
One skilled or specializing in healing arts. A person who restores or repairs things. ORIGIN:Latin, meaning ‘teacher’.
Dr. Dot