Ask Dr. Dot

*Fla was the BOMB, I am working on the blog presently.

Hi Dr. Dot,

Why is it that when I start seeing a woman and ask them to take an Aids test they take it personally and get defensive and offended? I can’t relax until a girl takes the test for me.



Anyone who refuses to get an Aids test to make their partner relax is hiding something, simply afraid of the truth. This is a major a red flag. Try offering to go together, say “let’s do this together so we can both relax”. Aids test or not, the only real way to stay safe is to always use condoms. If a person is such an ass about such an important thing, why bother?

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

A man I know gave me a very expensive diamond necklace for Christmas and I love it, but I know he is into me much more than I am into him. I am not sure if it’s ok to keep it or not, I mean, I feel obligated to him now. What would you do in my shoes?


Dear Betsy

I would pawn it off and buy the complete Frank Zappa collection on cd and vinyl. No, seriously, if you aren’t gonna sleep with the guy, give it back and say “It’s gorgeous, but I could only accept that if we were a couple, and I’m just doing my own thing right now”. No jewelry is worth the drama of obligation. Save up and get your own bling, the self respect that comes with it makes you radiate self confidence, which is the worlds hottest aphrodisiac.

Dr. Dot

Ramones autograph

My Dad is back in Georgia now, after living in Saudi for 7 years with my step mom. He was over there working with computers, not in the military or so. Anyhow, he is back in his house that he rented out for years and found an old suitcase of mine tucked away in the garage.

He said it was medium sized and had a Rolling Stones tongue drawn on it. “What’s in it?” he asked. I didn’t know. I said all I wanted for Christmas was this mysterious case sent up to me. I got it today and found it full of old photographs, the original program (bill) for the first ever MTV Music awards in 1984 ( I went with Joey Ramone and his entourage) and best of all, I found this drawing I did of Joey that all of the Ramones (except the drummer at the time) sign it.


Way down in the right hand corner, my name was signed ‘Dot Jagger’ which was what I called myself from age 13 to age 18 (then I started following the Grateful Dead and dropped the Jagger name). So cute how Joey called me a “Regular Picasso”. He was flattered by the drawing. What a cutie he was!

Anyhow, Jasmine and I are off to Key West Florida tomorrow until December 26th. Rachel Libeskind is coming with us (her daddy has to stay here in NYC and keep working on the new World Trade Center plans). Hope we get nice weather, I saw the forecast and it looks like we will get pissing down rain on X-mas day. If so we will work out and get massages, and maybe check out the Zoo, who knows.  

” So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear “
John Lennon

Ask Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

The other day in morning, my penis was all long, soft, and wrinkly, as if I had just had sex. My wife thinks I was out messing around! Can a dream cause this? I told her I don’t remember even having an erection, maybe it was a dream.


Dear Cocky,

It’s normal that men get erections during sleep and wet dreams can make a guy shoot his load in his sleep, it may be a big load or just a tiny leak.

As long as you are treating your woman well, she shouldn’t even ask about such things. When she acts jealous, you may want to treat her better so doesn’t even go there.

If you are treating her fine & she still hunts for reasons to bust your balls, she may be looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship, OR it could mean she herself is the cheating one. Just like a thief always thinks someone is trying to steal something from them, a cheating partner is always overly suspicious of their partner cheating too.

Good luck with that

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr.,

Do you think a long distance relationship can work? I met someone online and I would be embarrassed to tell my friends and family how I met him. I have become addicted to checking my emails and longing for him even though we haven’t met.

PC Cindy   NYC

Dear PC Cindy,

Nowadays, anything goes when it comes to love. For people who work long hours and/or don’t like to hang in bars to meet the ‘one’, online dating sometimes works out well. My web master married a gal he met online. But if the computer is keeping you from ‘real’ life, perhaps you could limit the amount of time you spend online. Long distance only works temporarily. We only live once, so the ‘here and now’ usually prevails. Things are always sweeter in small doses, that’s why an online, long distance relationship seems so perfect.


 If you meet and still click, tell your family and friends you met through a mutual friend, which is true, the internet.

Dr. Dot

About Martha Stewart…

About Martha Stewart…
Boy, I feel much safer now that she’s incarcerated.

O.J. and Kobe are free and walking around, Scott Peterson will
probably be released after his first appeal.

But they take the one woman in America who WANTS to cook, clean and
work in the yard, and they haul her off to a Federal Prison!!
Only in America   Ponder 

ps. Jasmine is here now, and she is a mini grinch too, thank God! Grinch 

 Why not just be nice to each other and have a nice meal instead of all the excess shopping/decorations/cards stress? It’s all just a ploy to make you spend loads of cash. Quality, not quantity, works just as well. Everyone I know is stressed out trying to make this special day work properly, what fun is that?


I had visions, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me

Fingertips have memories
Mine can’t forget the curves of your body
And when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes
(but no one ever does)

I’m not sick but I’m not well
And I’m so hot cause I’m in hell

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don’t even own a tv

Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I’m an amputee, goddamn you

I’m not sick but I’m not well
And I’m so hot cause i’m in hell
I’m not sick but I’m not well
And it’s a sin to live so well

I wanna publish zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn’t hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime
I’d like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind

Paranoia paranoia
Everybody’s coming to get me
Just say you never met me
Im running under ground with the moles
(Diggin big holes)

Hear the voices in my head
I swear to god it sounds like they’re snoring
But if you’re bored then you’re boring
The agony and the irony, they’re killing me

I’m not sick but I’m not well
And I’m so hot cause I’m in hell
I’m not sick but I’m not well
And it’s a sin to live so well

Harvey Danger – “Paranoia”

The Pixies?

A long lost friend of mine, Elizabeth,  has resurfaced and oddly enough has moved rather close to me. I met her in Berlin in the year 2000 and she had photographed me (that’s her profession) at a time when I was rather sad and she said the shots show that clearly.

(Pardon if I seem distracted, I am watching my dvd “Concert for George” (Harrison) while I write. If you haven’t seen it yet, it is well worth renting/buying it. The first 25 minutes gets on my fucking nerves, cause it’s just Anoushka Shankar playing a sitar. BORING, sorry but it’s true. She is hot to look at but you simply must fast forward until you see Clapton, MCCartney, Ringo,  Jeff Lynne and best of all Dhani Harrison on stage playing all George tunes. Dhani looks EXACTLY like his father did at his age, it will give you goose bumps and make your horney if you are a gal. He is tasty, fucking GORGEOUS.

Anyhow, Elizabeth and I have been back in touch and she asked me to go to a concert of her favorite group, the Pixies. I have never even heard ONE song of theirs. I have heard the Ramones mention them around me years ago, but never took any notice. Apparently this group has an outrageous fan following. They sold out several shows in NYC within minutes. She insisted I take the other ticket and wouldn’t let me even pay for it so I went.

You must know it is extremely difficult for me to watch a concert now. I have seen over 3,000 shows and now that I am so obsessed with karaoke, I think, why should I watch someone else sing when I can be on stage singing and hogging the spotlight? It has be to some one that I really fucking dig to get me to sit (or stand) and watch them play. Like last week for example, Jonesy and I went to see Godsmack and I was bored out of my fucking skull within minutes.

I made this up a saying yesterday while discussing my short attention span to Jonesy on the phone. I told him “I have an attention span like a Fruit fly on a caffeine high”. Oh how true it is. Anyways, I met her at the Hammerstein Ballroom for the show, and stood in the wicked long line (another thing I haven’t done in years) and got frisked (hid camera in my sock) and went in the front entrance like everyone else. Having gone through the backstage door since 1983, it felt odd.

I immediately  thought of ways to get us better seats. She had the nose bleed balcony seats. I payed little attention to the opening act as they sounded like recycled Ramones, like so many other bands do in the city. When the Pixies started I noted there were a few empty seats in the lowest balcony, which looked like the best place to sit in the whole place. I left her alone for a minute and asked the security guy “what’s up with those empty seats?”. He says “they’re reserved”. I said “yeah, reserved for my ASS”. He laughed and then I asked him if me and my gal pal could slide in. He said, well, go get her and I’ll see what I can do.I saw right away that David Byrne was sitting there. The security guy asked a blonde lady (who appeared to be David’s assistant) if it was cool, I told her I knew David and she said, oh, ok then.

Sitting next to David was the best part of the whole show for me. Elizabeth loved every song and kept saying “I’m sure you will recognize this next tune” but I never did. They are ok, but not my cup of tea. David and Elizabeth had something in common; they both had light green rubber ear plugs in. I thought that was pretty funny, as my car stereo seems louder than their music. David was very friendly to me and remembers me massaging him in Berlin. I gave him my flyer and told him I now live in the city and he said he does to. He said he would give me a shout when he needs a rub down. He is so fucking COOL it’s unreal. Zappa, Waters, Lennon/McCartney and Byrne are my favorite lyricists. I took some quick shots with my tiny camera every time the security guy wasn’t looking and I always got Davids head in the shot  

I have NO idea why it looks like David has flames gushing out of his neck, (looks dramatic doesn’t it?)  I am guessing it’s the ‘night vision’ setting on my camera, the slow exposure makes the lights bleed. I did a lot of networking while the lovely Elizabeth enjoyed her Pixies. Hard to impress a Zappa fanatic like me anyways. I was almost dying of hunger (notice protruding ribs in all of my pictures below lol) so we went to one of my favorite restaurants the YAFFA CAFE ( 97 St. Marks Place NYC). This place is open every day, 24 hours a day! It is cheap and the food is fucking great. Service is a tad snotty but that’s the East Village for you now-a-days.


If you look close, you can see the sing Yaffa Cafe in the back ground of the picture (above left). Elizabeth at our table (middle shot) me showing off my leather pants (right)

The great thing about this place (apart from the yummy food and cheap prices and the fact it’s open 24/7) is the freaky decor. No matter where you point the camera, you get kitsch. It looks like the twins (remember I told you a while back about Petra and Iris? If not, go to the blog October 10th or so). Their bed rooms are just like this place. Like the Flintstones on acid or something. Super cool. A tip if you are heading there, when your waiter/waitress comes to you, order your drinks, food, and check all at once, as that is the last time you will see them. Also, ask for a Yaffa condom on your way out, they’re free.


“Runnin’ naked like the day when I was born
We’re all naked in the land where I come from
I’m a long long way from New York City now
We’re all naked – if you turn us inside out
And we’re buck naked now
We ain’t got no clothes
Bare assed for sure
In the eyes of God
Naked in my heart
Naked in my soul
Well, how, how does it feel?
Does anybody know?
Well we’re naked inside
You’re naked too
Well there’s nothing to fear
And there’s nothing we can do
Well we’re buck naked now
Buck naked now
Well we’re buck naked now
In the eyes of the Lord.”