New York City Rules of Tourism

Dear Fellow New Yorkers!

Summer seems to be passing by rather quickly – it’s August already.

Frankly, I can’t wait for fall – and here’s why: Those goddamn tourists!

Those of you especially who work in midtown or within the vicinity of any

tourist destination know what I mean when I propose that the following “NYC

Rules of Tourism” be handed to every yokel who sets foot on the island of


NYC Rules of Tourism

It has been called to the attention of the NY Tourism Authority that rules

need to be implemented in order to protect tourists from NY natives. If you

follow the following guidelines you will enjoy your stay in NY, and you will

remain alive.


It has become painfully obvious that as a tourist, walking somehow escapes

you. Your entire family/school/group needn’t walk at a snail’s pace in a

skirmish line, thereby effectively blocking anyone else’s passage. This

makes New Yorkers extremely unpleasant. “Move, you fuck!” is not a standard

complimentary greeting, but you should expect to hear it often. NY Law now

allows its natives to eat the youngest child in your group if you are found

in violation of this law.


We know. You don’t have these new-fangled train systems in Alabama. If it’s

not a Ford F150, you are totally confused. However, you must be aware of the

following procedures when riding the subway, otherwise you could find

yourself checked into the Rain-Man Suite of the Hotel Smackdown. Escalators

– Yes, they are stairs and yes they move. It’s called technology. However,

it’s not Disney World or Opryland. You must stand on the right and walk on

the left. Standing on the left could result in serious bodily injury. You

don’t belong there. Your children don’t belong there. Your smell-hound Geech

(unless he is a seeing-eye smellhound) does not belong there. Walk on the

left. NY Law now allows residents to eliminate tourists by any means

necessary in order to keep the left moving. When you reach the top/bottom of

the escalator, MOVE! Don’t debate where the Empire State Building is. Don’t

decide to do a headcount. Since the stairs move, chances are that people

will be behind you. Platforms – Generally when the doors open on a train,

people are going to get off. It’s not an invitation to weasel on for that

choice seat near the map(don’t worry, we’ll get to the map.)NY residents are

allowed to push you and all your children onto the tracks for violating this

one. Subway Cars – The pole is not the one you dance on at the nudie bar

back in your white trash trailer existence at home. Don’t hug it, lick it or

hump it. Other people may want to use it for holding on. You can be legally

groped if you are humping the pole. Maps – The trains are color-coded. It’s

not rocket science. No matter how many times you look at the map, you cannot

change the direction of the train. Look once, maybe ask someone. But don’t

stay there staring at the map for 8 hours. The Law currently allows NY

natives to pee on map gawkers. Your Two Cents – No one asked you to butt

into a conversation. So don’t. Your children’s eyes can be removed legally

for this offense. Also staring and smiling. Don’t do it, or someone is

allowed to pop a cap in your ass.


Lunch – NY natives have the uncanny knack of going out between the hours of

12 and 2 PM on weekdays and buying themselves some food for consumption.

Yes, we know its a whole lot to ask since you must be so hungry from doing

nothing all day, but BRING YOUR OWN FUCKING LUNCH! Nothing is more

disheartening than standing in line at your favorite lunch place while 50

foul-mouthed urchins debate pepperoni vs. regular/thin vs. thick crust. NY

law allows natives to disembowel tourists if the lines are too long. Dinner

– “Hey this bar looks good. Let’s bring all of our children to this

authentic NY watering hole. It’s smoky and full of New Yorkers blowing off

steam from a hard day. There are college kids everywhere attempting to get

into each others’ pants.” So of course, there is no better place for your

children and you to get a bite. Stick to Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock. We

don’t go there, so don’t go into our bars. NY Law forces violating tourists

to pay everyone else’s bar tab for the remainder of the night. Hope you

brought your AMEX.


We had no choice but to implement a dress code in NY. You people are just

too nasty. Do you watch what your children are wearing? If your daughter

is 14 and weighs 200 lbs, chances are she should not be wearing a cut-off

T-shirt and pants so tight her gut has a gut. Stupid hats, visors,

sunglasses and those shirts that your entire group has made just for this

trip must be left at your hotels. People who violate the dress code of the

district, which just requests that you dress reasonably, will be deported.


(shout out to Joanne for the joke)