Ask Dr. Dot: How to receive a Massage

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am going to get a massage next week, my first ever. How should I prepare? What do I wear? What happens if I get a stiffy during the massage?
Frank M., East Rutherford, NJ

Dear Frank,
Always shower before you head to your massage appointment. If you can’t, buy some baby wipes and wipe down the most offensive areas. You can relax knowing you aren’t fuming, and the therapist won’t be scorning you in their mind the whole time.

Don’t eat a big meal directly before the rub down. You will feel like you are laying on a rock and your belly will be making embarrassing noises if you do.

 Since it is your dime, you should wear whatever you want during the massage. Most therapists have seen it all and won’t be bothered either way. Boxers will hold down your stiffy if you get excited, but you can also hold “him” down by asking the therapist to give you extra towels to drape around your pelvis area (tell them you get cold easily). NOTE: Don’t mention your stiff if you get one. It is just one of those things that happens, breath deep and let it go.

 Remove all jewelry and your watch. Your hair will look like hell after, so if you have somewhere nice to go after, warn them to avoid your whole head. If you don’t have them do your scalp, it is worth looking like Don King afterwards.

 Don’t talk during your massage, unless you need to ask for more or less pressure or inform the therapist about an injury. Talking is counterproductive and makes the time fly very fast. It also distracts the therapist and you won’t get the best results if they have to keep chatting to you. If they won’t shut up, do find the courage to say “I would prefer to enjoy this massage in silence”.

 It is your time and money and you should speak up if something is bothering you (you want music, or silence; the room is too cold/hot). The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Ok, time to explain the photos above. On the left, Johnny K.  who looks EXACTLY like Marky Mark (Mark Wahlberg) me, and Jonesy. They are both from Boston and we met a couple weeks ago in Iggys (karaoke bar in NYC) and they were admiring my Led Zepp tunes and I was covered in serious goose bumps when Jonesy belted out “Me and Mrs. Jones“. Holy Shit he can sing. He had the girls all hot and sweaty, screaming and feeling faint. Amazing that tiny white cracker can sing like a big black man. And he performs the song, you know, gets into it, acting it out which is the whipped cream on the cake. Hate it when folks just stand there and sing, you gotta FEEL the song.

Check out Jonesy’s web site . He does stand up comedy and in my opinion will make it BIG soon. He is a force heading towards the big screen- mark my words. Then the other photo is of my good pal Seth (was the singer of Mensch, now an actor) me and again, Jonesy.

When these guys do karaoke, it is a spectacle; they take over the joint and can rap, rock and sing a love song that brings tears to the ladies eyes. It is not only raining men at that point, it’s raining talented men.

I heard there is a big photo of Sting and I in the Hartford Courant today, I hope 7/11 has a copy left for me 🙁