Advantages of both sexes

A poem for females….


 I shave my legs,

 I sit down to pee.

 And I can justify

 any shopping spree.

 Don’t go to a barber,

 but a beauty salon.

 I can get a massage

 without a hard-on.

 I can balance the checkbook,

 I can pump my own gas.

 Can talk to my friends,

 about the size of my ass.

 My beauty’s a masterpiece,

 and yes, it takes long.                                                                                                  

 At least I can admit,

 to others when I’m wrong.

 I don’t drive in circles,

 at any cost.

 And I don’t have a problem,

 admitting I’m lost.

 I never forget,

 an important date.

 You just gotta deal with it,

 I’m usually late.

 I don’t watch movies,

with lots of gore.

 Don’t need instant replay, 

 to remember the score.

 I won’t lose my hair,

 I don’t get jock itch.

 And just cause I’m assertive,

 Don’t call me a bitch.                                                                             

 Don’t say to your friends,

 Oh yeah, I can get her.

 In your dreams, my dear,

 I can do better!

 Flowers are okay,

 But jewelry’s best.

 Look at me you idiot…

 Not at my chest????

 I don’t have a problem,

 With Expressing my feelings.

 I know when you’re lying,

 You look at the ceiling.

 DON’T call me a GIRL ,

 a BABE or a CHICK .

 I am a WOMAN.

 Get it?, you DICK!?!


            What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
                         Your last name stays put.
                          The garage is all yours.
                   Wedding plans take care of themselves.
                      Chocolate is just another snack.
                           You can be president.
               You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
                 You can wear NO  T-shirt to a water park.
                     Car mechanics tell you the truth.
                         The world is your urinal.
           You never have to drive to another gas station because
                        “this one’s just too icky”.
   You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 
                            Same work, more pay.                    
                          Wrinkles add character.
                Wedding dress — $5000; tux rental — $100.
       People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
        The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
             New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
                          One mood, ALL the time.
              Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
                        You know stuff about tanks.
              A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
                      You can open all your own jars.
       You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
   If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
                 Your underwear is $5.95 for a three-pack           
                 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
              You almost never have strap problems in public.
              You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
             Everything on your face stays its original color. 

             The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
                 You only have to shave your face and neck.
                   You can play with toys all your life.
                  Your belly usually hides your big hips.
         One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
             You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
                You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
         You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
             You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives…
                      on December 24… in 45 minutes.
                        No wonder men are happier!!!
(thanks to my pal John for this man “poem”)

A male friend of mine let me in our pure man talk the other day. I get that a lot, I get the raw shit, stuff guys hide from their girlfriends, or even females in general!
 For some reason, they don’t hold back, they tell me the same shit they tell their guy pals. On one hand, that is great, then I can take that knowledge and help people with it, on the other hand, over the years, it has made me jaded, as in, no one can pull the wool over my eyes/bullshit me. Anyhow, he was saying, you see, a woman like you, well you are a “1” . I was like “huh?”-
“Yes, we rate chicks on a scale from 1 to 5, 1 being the best, hottest, 5 being a double bagger, emergency shag” he continued. Us guys, well, we all love to drool over the “1” chicks, but know they are too much trouble, you can never have them to yourselves. All the other guys want them and it is not worth the trouble. We prefer a “3” who thinks she is a “4”.” HELLO!! I was a bit annoyed, but then again, I hear women say the same thing, “He is hot, but I wouldn’t want him for my boyfriend, too many chicks would be after him and I don’t need the extra hassel!”
Funny how when Spring arrives,  I get more business in the “relationship help” department. I get so much work, so many calls, sessions, emails, mostly from females in distress. They are all having  the same crisis. Their guys are all action apathetic. Suddenly their men don’t call much, don’t visit much, they act like they don’t care much.
It is the time of year ladies. Spring, they want to be single and check out the other females. Let them fucking go if they want to. Just get  busy. Work out big time, eat healthy, learn something new, go to new places you have never been to, just go go GO! Nothing worse than chasing a guy. It never works anyways.
How can you prevent this horn-dog triggered behaviour? What could you do differently? Not much, you could buy him a hat or cap of some kind come April 1st, so that not so many sun rays get to his head, which trigger his hormones to go wild and balls to grow bigger. Keep him inside, in the dark like a mushroom if you can. heehee.
Just get busy I say, that’s all you can do or just………
“Love the One You’re With”
by Stephen Stills

If you’re down and confused, and you don’t remember who you’re talkin’ to. Concentration slip away, ‘cause your baby is so far away.

Well there’s a rose in the fisted glove and the eagle flies with the dove, and if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with.

Don’t be angry, don’t be sad, and don’t sit cryin’ over good times you’ve had. There’s a girl right next to you, and she’s just waitin’ for something to do.

And there’s a rose in the fisted glove and the eagle flies with the dove, and if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with.

Dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, dit dit dit, dit dit dit.

Turn your heartache right into joy, she’s a girl, and you’re a boy. Well get it together, make it real nice,
You ain’t gonna need anymore advice.