VIRAL LABYRINTHITIS (What? did you say “Kyle wants to BITE US?”

Nice of you to write me, wishing me luck on getting rid of this cold. NO, I am NOT a Hypochondriac; I have ‘Viral Labyrinthitis’ come to find out. Since 11 days or so, I thought it was just a horrible cold and was given a prescription for Antibiotics over the phone, without my Doctor even seeing me. He was out of town and had his fill in ask me my symptoms.

I have had Tinnitus  for the last few years anyways, just like Pete Townshend has, but the last week I have become what seems to most as a DEAF pain in the ASS. My good pal Matt

 Matt (The ‘Back door man’ )

said something to me the other night and not sure if I heard him right, I said “did you just say David Hasslehoff?” He laughed his ass off, that wasn’t even close to what he said. He said  “I have to go wack off”. So now, every time we speak, and I can’t hear him, he says “DAVID HASSELHOFF DOT!”. Hours later I SWORE he said “Do you want a crack whore?” ( I mean really, it sounded just like that, but I was puzzled by the question, why would I need a crack whore?) Apparently he said  ” I wanted to put it in her back door”.

This virus I have makes you tired as HELL, effects your balance, and makes you dizzy and most of all, makes you deaf for a while, they say, most of the time you get back to normal, but sometimes you stay deaf 🙁    That would SUCK royally. No wonder karaoke sounded so bad on Thursday night, I couldn’t hear anything except the little voices in my head humming along to the Beatles tune I was singing!

If you click on VIRAL LABYRINTHITIS you will see what I am going through. I should be working my ass off and also, singing my ass off before my dreaded trip across the ocean to warm, friendly and happy Berlin (as if) but NO, I have to hang around my flat in my pajamas (yes, they are satin and red and dead sexy) and just try to chill (big chore for me to chill). I know it SOUNDS like I have been ill a lot lately, but really, it was just the Sciatic Nerve thing which started in March, then recently my too much to drink puke festival and now this. Maybe the drinking thing triggered this, I am such a wimp when it comes to drink. BUT I think it started two Wednesdays ago, when I was caught in a massive rain storm and got soaked to the bone, the went into a grocery store and since they like to keep them BELOW FUCKING ZERO here in the USA, I FROZE. Why do they keep them so cold? My guess is there are so many FAT people around, including most employees at the store, and we all know, fat insulates and makes one sweat. So they are all fat and sweating and have to keep it so cold. What about us thin folks? Should we carry a friggin sleeping bag around with us and wear UGG boots in case we have to shop?

Since that night, I felt ill. First sore throat, coughing binges, fever and dizzy spells and LOUD chirping/ringing in my ears and kind of a muffled pounding sound which makes my friends sound like they are constantly talking about David Hasselhoff (not just my German friends who talk about him every day anyways) .Listen, I don’t want any sappy emails wishing me well, I don’t deserve them as I am bitchy as hell right now. I am only telling you this crap so you know why I haven’t been out to karaoke. I am so tired I almost fell asleep driving Alexandra (at 80 miles an hour) to the Newark Airport tonight.

That picture above is Alexandra, Joy and I in Hoboken. Alexandra wanted a view of NYC from across the water, and I’ll be dammed if I am going to Brooklyn ever again. (Don’t write me hate mail about bashing Brooklyn either as I don’t care. If you stop too long at some lights, your hub caps will be stolen!). A lot of people have written me and asked me why there are no pictures of Joy. Good Question, but freaky answer. Joy is so deep, I swear she has some freaky Indian soul that hates it’s picture being taken. It sabotages almost every photo I take of her! I do have a nice one of her on my web site, in the Assistants section though. She is from New Zealand in case you didn’t know yet and has become my best friend in America. I love her madly. Alexandra got to see the famous Hoboken (where Frank Sinatra was hatched) and loved it, in fact, her exact words were “If I moved to the US, I will move here. I like it much better than NYC. It is so quiet and clean and so close to Manhattan!”. So there you go.

I don’t know where this picture below has been for so long, but is it me on a killer Harley a while back showing off my rump. If you look hard enough, you can see Satu on the right laughing.

That would be us trying to wake up a DULL Berliner VIP party. Not going to those boring things anymore, if there is no karaoke, count me out.

“When I wake up early in the morning
Lift my head, I’m still yawning
When I’m in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream (float up stream)

Please, don’t wake me, no, don’t shake me
Leave me where I am – I’m only sleeping

Everybody seems to think I’m lazy
I don’t mind, I think they’re crazy
Running everywhere at such a speed
Till they find there’s no need (there’s no need)

Please, don’t spoil my day, I’m miles away
And after all I’m only sleeping”  BEATLES