I am hanging my head in shame here as I have not blogged properly in so long. So much going on, I don't even know where to start. I am in Berlin, it's fucking freezing and everyone here still hates Americans and lets me know about it on a daily basis. I am getting pretty fucking tired of defending myself every time I leave the house. It's bad enough the Germans LOATHE American's entirely, but to hear it from the English here as well is sometimes too much to handle.
I was in an Irish pub the other night, showing a friend around and there were some English guys (from Yorkshire) at the bar and as soon as they heard my American accent they all started in on me. Asking me, as if I was a dumb American (aren't we all?) "So, where in Canada is NYC exactly?" and "I would rather fucking DIE than go to America. They're all cunts!". Yeah yeah yeah, we fucking suck, now get over it.
I am a walking whipping post here. 99.9% of the people here HATE AMERICANS and when they meet one (me for example) they spit their verbal venom at me (I try to imagine this is aimed at George Bush and let it go in one ear and out the other) but after 18 years of this shit, I am ready to fucking snap. I am not a Patriotic Yank. I don't wear the American flag on my body or brag about being from the USA, but when people ask me where I am from, am I supposed to fucking lie? I should maybe tell them I am from Canada so they get off my ass. AND if they happen to be apathetic about where I am from, they have a go at me when I answer their next question (it's like a fucking interview every time I leave the house) "so what do you do for a living?" MASSAGE (insert lame joke here) "oh, with happy endings?". Just fucking bite me. From now on, I'm from Toronto and I am a waitress. End of story. Hostile? Yeah, I am, but you would be too if you got as much shit throw your way as I do being an (GOD FORBID) American. Thanks Mr. Bush, everyone hates us now, hope you're happy. I didn't vote for the cunt, nor did anyone I know.
Something about being a foreigner, hard to put my finger on it, lets see, it SUCKS. You have to walk on eggshells. Your accent gives you away. So just keep your mouth shut and you'll be fine. But what about in shops? Restaurants? Bars? You have to speak. I feel SO confident in NYC. Like a fish in water. The ambition, the energy, the anything-goes vibe is a constant turn on. Plus, I am from there (well, born 2 hours drive North) so NO ONE gives me shit about being American on my own turf. HUGE chip on my shoulder right now. One more person gives me hell about being a Yank, I'm gonna snap. Go postal. Can you or anyone you know relate? The song CREEP from Radio Head comes to mind.
That and the miserable weather (FREEZING, rain, gray skies) and the fact that Jasmine left on a tour all around Europe again for the next 5 months or so, makes me want to get on the next plane back to NYC. Having lived in Europe since 1989 though, makes me also feel a tad out of place there too (I've turned into a bread snob). Going mad. Turning into an eccentric freak. The more success you have in your career the less you fit in. Losers at bars who have no or little money seem to have a million friends and lots of time to spend with them. If you work and love your work and speak about it (when asked) you get glared at as if you just told them you shit tooth paste. "EH? You like to work? I avoid those kind, as it may be contagious!".
Friends my age are all married and/or are just having kids and have NO time. Single friends are either super rich and have no time or super poor and have NO money but lots of time. Good thing I don't mind being alone. Lately I have been really busy- had a tiny operation, no big deal.. and then helping Jasmine get ready for her trip and showing a lovely friend-
– around Berlin has all taken up so much of my time I haven't even began to answer all of the piled up emails. Another thing, if you are straight (not fucked up) in Berlin and are a foreigner, it's hard to deal with. I go into the Irish pubs of Berlin from time to time for some karaoke and see the English speaking crowds, some of which have been here as long, if not longer than myself and most of they are high and/or drunk as fuck every time I see them. Some of them have actually gone crazy. I know a couple Americans here that have turned into massive alcoholics and put heads; you can barely understand them anymore. You ask them "why?". They say it's cold here, the people are cold here. You wonder "why not go back to your country?" but many have been here so long, they would have to start all over again back "home".
Really odd situation. Not looking to start a pity party, just telling the truth. One American man here wrote a book called the Zoo station years ago. Directly after it's release, he killed himself. The Spring and Summer are better; people smile. Winter is hell on earth here. They will simply NOT obey the smoking ban yet. Most places are still extremely smoky and the one's that do enforce the smoking ban, allow smoking after 11pm anyways. So I stay at home most of the time organizing massages for touring rock bands. Super fucking exciting. Party On Garth.
On a lighter note, I am off to France early April to perform a Hot Chocolate massage on a certain someone (can't reveal their name yet). Then I will take a train over to Italy and meet Jasmine for a week of fun in the sun. Then later in April, back to NYC. I do LOVE my flat in Berlin, as it's all mine and I can do whatever the fuck I want in it whenever the fuck I want….but big deal, the folks here in Europe have already made up their minds to hate Americans, so why stay here? So much hate here, it's insane. Lighten up people will ya?
"I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!" – Theodore Roosevelt
Zappa Plays Zappa tour dates ^
Yes I support Zappa tribute bands and Zappa alumni and the Zappanale, but just to show Gail and Dweezil that I am mutual, here are their dates. All things involving Zappa music are good things.