Month: February 2007

Q.

I am only 18 and I have a few questions that I am afraid to ask anyone else. Go on and laugh if you
will but what is the sticky white shit in the bottom of my girlfriend’s panties? I investigate them
(read: scratch and sniff) when she is in the bathroom or on the phone. Smells nice, but is that her
cum? Also, I am afraid to go down on her, it looks so scary and I am afraid I may do it wrong.
Curious George

< VooDoo Butter undies. (NOT mine by the way)

A.
The "sticky white shit", you mean, her clitty litter? That is her juice, nothing to be alarmed about
 unless it looks like cottage cheese and scratches her snatch every chance she gets. First of all,
there is only one way to find out how to lick her correctly and that’s by doing it and stopping
every once and a while and asking her "like that?". Don’t do the man thing and drive around for ages
 without a map and without asking for directions, just ask her. Make your tongue nice and wide and
lick her like a cow licks a block of salt is a good way to start and keep in mind "real men eat pussy".

Q.
I enjoy your stuff.  I love sex, and have related with lots of women, but
I’ve found during my life that sex can have a profound downside.  I’m
wondering how you address the following issues inherent in sexual
(Particularly multiple partners) relationships:

Pregnancy (and potential child support obligation for many years into the
future).
Emotional upset.
Physical violence; even death.
Disease (herpes, Chlamydia, gonorrhea, etc).  Suppression of the immune
system caused by intimate exposure to many women in a short period of time.
Legal charges ("rape", sexual harassment, etc). This is not a joke.  I’d really like to know
 your views. And keep up your great work.  I wish you’d been around when I was a
teenager!
Aussi Al

A.
My views? Here they are:
1)Pregnancy: You said "sexual (particularly multiple partner) relationships", so
this means you are not tied down but if you choose to fuck a woman without protection,
you are playing with fire and if you get her knocked up; I feel it is your responsibility
to help Mother and child until the child turns 18. If you feel that is unfair, where a
fucking condom.
2) Emotional Upset: Eh? Who is upset? You? Her? Everyone when they find out you like to
play around? You are being rather vague here. Emotional upset is to be expected from
time to time, unless you are able to shut off all emotions or if you are German.
3) Physical Violence/Death: Hmm, starting to think you are into scary shit. Naturally I
am against violence and I’m not fond of Death either.
4) Disease: Again, where a condom and be careful about who you suck on.
5) Legal Charges (rape, sexual harassment): If someone doesn’t understand the word "NO"
then they deserve what’s dished out to them. Women should be avoid dodgy situations and
men should really take the hint when she says "NO" be it verbally or with body language.
 Something very unpleasant happened to me when I was 21, on an overnight train from Paris
 to Madrid. I take my responsibility in the situation for traveling alone at night. I
 had been with a girlfriend, but we parted ways in Paris. Just like a deer is on thin
ice while in the Lions territory, women should take precautions by avoiding things like
traveling alone at night, leaving her drink unattended in a bar/club or going to men’s
hotel rooms/homes when she doesn’t know them well. It’s life, there are predators and prey,
 learn to deal with it.

Q. My young, hot girlfriend makes me buy her expensive lingerie but I hardly ever see her
 in it. When we make love, she is usually naked already or wearing boring white panties.
 Do you think she is selling it? Should I confront her? Don’t want to be pushy, as she is
the boss for sure.
Big Spender

< Have her dress up for you regularly

A.
Sounds to me like you are being played. She is probably wearing it for some other lucky
fucker. Speak up and convince her to wear it for you. Ask her to allow you to choose what
she will put on for you before you screw. Tell her you want to dress her and quickly take
inventory, then you will know if she sold it, is just too fucking comfy to bother or worse,
 wearing the good stuff for the other guy.

Dried up Butter Cup

< Keep within reach at all times when your lover is around

A.
You say you use safe sex, so I am guessing it’s the condom that is causing your snatch to evaporate
 so quickly. They some how rob us of our juices, wiping the walls of your pussy dry with each
stroke. Try to use lubricated latex condoms. Avoid lambskin condoms because they don’t block
HIV and STDs. Always keep a water-based lube near the bed, as oil based ones will melt the condom.
 Pussy farts usually occur in the doggy style position,  or when the cock stuffs air up your hole
like a bicycle pump, just try to keep him in you, rather than having him come all the way out and
avoid arching your back when you do it doggy style, air sneaks in easier like that. Keep your slot
 nice and tight by Kegeling ( Pussy Pilates).

Q.
I met this great guy on an online dating site & we really hit it off.
We are just dating and it’s fresh, we both still have our profiles up,
and I know he goes on it everyday (the site shows when you last logged in).
I guess I can’t blame him if I am doing the same, right? I should leave it up,
mine, or take it down? I don’t want him to think I am that type of girl
(scanning around- even though, I do!). I am practicing self-protection b/c
I sense that he might still be ‘shopping’, even though we really do connect.
I hate that I can see that he checks it everyday! It makes me more cautious.
I have dated and chatted up some, but he is the one I like. I have been a
player and been played, so I know what we are all capable of.. sometimes
I think it’s a blessing and a curse at the same time, ya know.

< Keep your options open

A.
Definitely keep your profile up until he suggests that you both delete your
pages and date exclusively. Until then, do like they did in the old days and
"play the field".

Q.

I’ve recently got in to a relationship with someone I met at school and even though I’m
not a fan of committed relationships, (only because most of the time they start off great
and then seem forced after a while, like a task of some sort) for whatever reason I
thought he and I would get along lovely. Well, as it turns out… he is very similar
to a few of my ex boyfriends…he’s moody, and a bit insecure….a big turn off for me.

We’ve been dating for a little over a month and recently after a few drinks
he wanted to let me in on a few things….basically through out the night he had bitten
my lips, and even bit my cheek MUCH harder than usual….so hard I got really pissed off
for a minute or two…there have been times when he’s pulled my hair and shit like that,
which is cool sometimes…but something was different last night.

We were getting into bed and he said that he was a bit of a "pervert" and needed to have
 a different kind of sex and he needs me to be rougher with him for him to get off. His
 exact words:  “choke me, bite me, slap me, and degrade me” he was afraid I would think
 he’s weird. I assured him I didn’t think he was "weird" and that it was just his thing
 but not mine. Usually I’m the "kinky" one in a relationship and I do enjoy the occasional
 pulling of the hair or some love bites, but the stuff he’s talking about scares me.
Our romps often leaves me with painful bruises that I’m not sure if I like or not. He
 really freaked me out when he
 said he wanted me to curl up my fingers into a fist and just literally punch him
as hard as I could. I don’t know what to do DD, you have to help me, I don’t know if this
 is something to end a relationship over but if we’re not compatible in bed…I don’t know
 if  there’s a point to go any further than just friends.

Fear of Fisting

< Some people love pain

A.
He was probably sexually and physically abused as a child, and this abuse makes
him feel "at home" and so he needs/wants it.
I would be afraid, you never know what he may do to you, and he may take it too far
one night and wanting to be punched in the face, especially during sex, is sick.
You say he is moody and insecure, which turns you off, so it won’t last forever
anyways.
Forget about hurting his feelings, you need to think of yours first.
This guy needs therapy, not pussy or a punch. I would cautiously get out of that
relationship before you start needing therapy too.

Q.
I met this guy and we immediately hit it off.  We spent a great first date having
 lunch.  We talked and laughed for hours.  Then it was off the city for
 dessert. We kissed and it was perfect!  I didn’t want this date to ever end.  The
 following weekend we went out then again and spent
 the night together (simply magical) and the following day together.  He suddenly
 became a bit standoffish.  I didn’t hear from him for a few days.  I figured the
 guy gets what he wants, and I don’t hear from him.  Finally, he tells me that the
 day after we spent the night together, he had found that the ID in his wallet was
not where or in the same direction he usually puts it. He was accusing me of
going in his wallet to check his ID.  I was devastated that he would even think
that of me.  What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty? I told him I never
 went near his wallet, nor would ever think of doing so and maybe he put it back that
 way not realizing it and that it will happen again someday, and when it does he
will owe me an apology.  Nothing I could say would change his mind.  He said he
couldn’t trust me.  NO ONE has EVER said that to me. I know he reads your column
religiously, so I thought I’d write you for your thoughts on this.
 Innocent!

A.
It sounds to me like one of two things happened. He used this wallet escapade as a
quick get away, like a lot of city men do (as they don’t have the balls to say "I’m
 just not into you") or someone else, maybe even he, put the ID in his wallet the
wrong way. Nevertheless, he did you a big fucking favor by showing you how anal and
suspicious he is. Did you ever notice that thieves are always afraid someone is
stealing from them and how players are always afraid of being played? He should have
at least given you another chance, that’s why I find him
hard to believe. You should feel sorry for him, as he is clearly confused and paranoid,
but not so sorry that you take his arrogant ass back for another round.

Q.
I’m not sure how to handle this situation.  I am engaged to a woman who
used to have a 4 year relationship with another woman.  Everything
couldn’t be better with her accept I have a small concern which I have to
say does not affect how I feel about her I love her dearly.  I fully
satisfy her sexually, whether it be through intercourse, oral sex or a
good ol masturbation.  The intercourse is Great!!  She on the other hand
has given me maybe three blow jobs which she did not finish off, and one
hand job, during the span of almost 2 years. I don’t want to sound like I
am complaining and being selfish.  That is furthest from the truth.  I
THINK I could live without those things it’s just like missing out on a
bit of fun.  Now, we have agreed no intercourse until we are married which
is about three months away.  Again, I have satisfied her sexual hunger in
every other way, and she has not even put her hand on my member, so
needless to say, I am experiencing a bit of sexual frustration.  How do I
handle this other that coming right out with it.  "Why don’t you suck my
dick!?"  I don’t see that working to well.  I don’t doubt her love for me
at all, I just think she may still be a bit repulsed with the thought of
putting my dick in her mouth or jerking me off.  How do I tactfully deal
with this?

Blue Balls

A.
You confuse me; you say "The intercourse is great" then you say "we
have agreed to no intercourse before marriage". Wtf? She was fucking you
but now suddenly, no sex (apart from you licking her out on a regular basis)
until you walk down aisle with her?
What we have here is a woman who doesn’t appreciate your cock enough to do
to it what a cock loves the most, getting head. Asking "Why don’t you suck my
dick?" is a perfect question, it hits the nail right on the head, but maybe
you have to rephrase it a bit. I have said this before, but maybe you missed it, just stop
going down on her and when she asks why, say "good question, I was going to
ask you the same thing, why the lack of oral sex?".
3 unfinished blow jobs in 4 years, now no hot beef injections until marriage
  and you STILL want to marry her? Her pussy must
be lined with velvet my friend…..

…..Be a man and speak up about your normal,
healthy oral sex
craving and find out before you take the leap if you are in for a life time of
this one sided oral sex routine BULLSHIT. Sounds to me like you are settling.
If you marry her you may end up cheating to get your cock sucked elsewhere, so think hard
about this, you need to step up to the plate before it’s too late.

Q.
Marijuana has proven to be the best aphrodisiac for my spouse. I’ve had to
give it up due to random testing with my new job. Can you suggest any over the counter
products that would have the same affect? When we’re high, she’s also receptive to
experimenting with anal sex. Without cannabis, there is no experimentation.
Can you suggest any
other ice breakers?
Saucy Sam
< Dark Chocolate boosts arousal

A.
One should be able to get turned on and wet without having to smoke something
or pop any kind of pills. I am all for the good old fashioned aphrodisiacs, like getting a
nice, firm foot massage while I sip red wine and listen to some Jimi Hendrix (best music to fuck to).
And according to all of my girlfriends, a lengthily pussy licking always does the trick.

Q.
 I’m dating this girl and last night on my way home from a business meeting and I drove by her
 house (it’s on the way to my house from that part of town, I’m not a stalker) our subdivisions
 are close to each other. Anyway her long term ex-boyfriend was at her house. It was like 10 PM.
 That made me kinda nervous because I spoke to her an hour before that and she said she was in
bed and getting ready to go to sleep. So now I’m kinda bummed out. She called me a little while
ago this morning and she said she was tired and I asked her what time she went to sleep and she
said like 9 ish. I was trying to quiz her hoping that she wouldn’t lie to me and didn’t mention
that I drove by her house. I’m mostly bothered because I feel like she’s lying to me. It doesn’t
 bother me that she was hanging out, even though the ex bf thing makes me skeptical. 
How do I handle a situation like this?
You are my hero,
Pissed off Paul

A.

A.
Be grateful she didn’t say it first, as that would be even more difficult. It would be best not
 to mention your slip up, just say it again the next time you two are doing the dirty. Rolling
 around on top of each other is a great atmosphere for professing one’s love. If she doesn’t
say it back but keeps dating you and everything else is fine, it could mean she is just the
type who takes her time with that. I know people who never say it and who could blame them?
 Actions are always more important than words in a relationship.

< Many men dream it, but only a few make the harem thing work

A.
Because you’re a man.

You didn’t mention her reaction. I think looking at porn is fine; communicating
with these girls from your past is rude to your wife. How would you like her keeping in touch with
 hot men from her past, just to be "friends"? Always turn the situation around and put yourself in
the other person’s shoes. Watching is fine, actively keeping in touch while married is pushing the envelope.

A.
Get him to mount you, doggy style, as there is less pressure when you are not eye to eye and say
 "fuck me harder", see his reaction, if he goes with it, then toss in a few other lines
like "my pussy LOVES you in there" etc, and hopefully after a few rounds of you being vocal, he will
know it’s safe to try it as well. You may have to ask him to talk dirty to you, as some men respect
women so much that are hesitant to blurt out "you like that you dirty bitch?" to a girl. Say it
over drinks one night that it would really turn you on if he spoke dirty to you in bed, this will
give him a chance to tell you if he likes it or not as asking him during sex may make him feel
obligated and/or cornered if he really doesn’t like it.

Many made fun of her, but I found her amusing and very fun to look at. She died a few hours ago and I was sad when I heard the news on BBC. Her little baby is now left alone in this world, that makes it even worse. Similar to Marylin Monroe in some ways, as in, blonde bombshell, seeking love from the public because they didn’t get it from their parents, I felt for her and think it’s a shame she died so young. She was a shooting star: beautiful, exciting and destined to live a hot but short life. Fame and money can NOT buy happiness.

RIP Anna x

I got caught in a massive hail storm today, while riding my bike from one end of town to the other. The hail pieces were the size of mento’s candy’s, like
huge, and they didn’t feel good pounding on my drenched face either, so winter is officially here. We have been getting away with fairly warm weather but
now Mother Nature is through fucking around.
Jasmine is on vacation this week, so she has been spending more time with me. She is SUPER cute. She reluctantly accepted an iPod for Christmas,
as she hates for people to spend large amounts of money on her, making her completely different from most kids I know. Now our iPods are loaded with the
same music, over 2,000 songs, which includes TONS of Beatles, Zappa, Hendrix, Floyd and so much Zeppelin, it boggles the mind. Lots of rare live stuff, oh
how I LOVE my iPod.
I am going to the UK again soon, I will be appearing as a guest on a music based TV show (don’t know the name of it off the top of my head, but I can assure
you it’s NOT "Top of the Pops" or anything big like that lol. Will also be meeting with some folks who may help me get my "How to Massage" dvd off the ground.
I have so many things I need to get out there, on the market (books,dvd, massage products, etc) but how? This is the question. It will probably happen when
I keel over and die. Great. Just like an artist, they always get rich after they die (like Picaso and Jim Morrison, etc). Not comparing myself to them, just saying
sometimes it takes SO long to fill your goals, sometimes it’s too long. What good would money do me when I am in a nursing home? Not that money is that
important to me, as for me, money just means freedom to eat whatever I want and to sleep as late as I want and most importantly, avoiding having any kind of
a boss bitching at me, as I had enough of that when I was really young. I don’t give a toss about material items EXCEPT my lap top, iPod, photographs and some
rock and roll t-shirts that I would fight for. Can’t STAND owning shirt., in fact, I wish I could sell most everything I own as things just weigh you down.
Don’t I sound like a hippie? Dam straight.
The cops still haven’t found that angry, aggressive German guy who knocked me out last week. I called and asked and they said to be patient. Since then I have
given up jogging after 10 pm and always have pepper spray in one hand and a stun gun (knocks ’em down with mega voltage) and I have my cell phone in my
pocket (if I had my phone with me when that fucker attacked me, I could have rang the police). Shoulda, woulda, coulda, that all doesn’t matter now.
I am still amazed my teeth survive all of these beatings from German men. Hello? God must be a dentist, admiring my pearly whites from up above.
Anyhow, I have been spending a lot of time with my two girlfriends Shai and Danielle, we laugh A LOT and stick together over here. I am just rambling on,  nothing
big to report. really. I massaged Joe Jackson last week, we then went to Zappa night at this bar called the Jansen bar that has a Zappa night the last Tuesday of
each month. There is a Zappa statue and they only play rare Live Frank Zappa and show some video footage as well. Joe liked the place, he said he likes any
place that has good cocktails and good beer (and of course, if he can smoke). I really like Joe, he doesn’t act like a star, very low key and actually kind of shy.
I think it made him uncomfy when one of my pals showed up and recognized him. But it’s all good now. I am hoping to massage Snow Patrol this Friday, but
if they have the same bitchy tour manager with, them, I will pass on that. Love their music though..
anyhow, gotta do some sit ups, keep it firm you know?