VIRAL LABYRINTHITIS (What? did you say “Kyle wants to BITE US?”

Nice of you to write me, wishing me luck on getting rid of this cold. NO, I am NOT a Hypochondriac; I have ‘Viral Labyrinthitis’ come to find out. Since 11 days or so, I thought it was just a horrible cold and was given a prescription for Antibiotics over the phone, without my Doctor even seeing me. He was out of town and had his fill in ask me my symptoms.

I have had Tinnitus  for the last few years anyways, just like Pete Townshend has, but the last week I have become what seems to most as a DEAF pain in the ASS. My good pal Matt

 Matt (The ‘Back door man’ )

said something to me the other night and not sure if I heard him right, I said “did you just say David Hasslehoff?” He laughed his ass off, that wasn’t even close to what he said. He said  “I have to go wack off”. So now, every time we speak, and I can’t hear him, he says “DAVID HASSELHOFF DOT!”. Hours later I SWORE he said “Do you want a crack whore?” ( I mean really, it sounded just like that, but I was puzzled by the question, why would I need a crack whore?) Apparently he said  ” I wanted to put it in her back door”.

This virus I have makes you tired as HELL, effects your balance, and makes you dizzy and most of all, makes you deaf for a while, they say, most of the time you get back to normal, but sometimes you stay deaf 🙁    That would SUCK royally. No wonder karaoke sounded so bad on Thursday night, I couldn’t hear anything except the little voices in my head humming along to the Beatles tune I was singing!

If you click on VIRAL LABYRINTHITIS you will see what I am going through. I should be working my ass off and also, singing my ass off before my dreaded trip across the ocean to warm, friendly and happy Berlin (as if) but NO, I have to hang around my flat in my pajamas (yes, they are satin and red and dead sexy) and just try to chill (big chore for me to chill). I know it SOUNDS like I have been ill a lot lately, but really, it was just the Sciatic Nerve thing which started in March, then recently my too much to drink puke festival and now this. Maybe the drinking thing triggered this, I am such a wimp when it comes to drink. BUT I think it started two Wednesdays ago, when I was caught in a massive rain storm and got soaked to the bone, the went into a grocery store and since they like to keep them BELOW FUCKING ZERO here in the USA, I FROZE. Why do they keep them so cold? My guess is there are so many FAT people around, including most employees at the store, and we all know, fat insulates and makes one sweat. So they are all fat and sweating and have to keep it so cold. What about us thin folks? Should we carry a friggin sleeping bag around with us and wear UGG boots in case we have to shop?

Since that night, I felt ill. First sore throat, coughing binges, fever and dizzy spells and LOUD chirping/ringing in my ears and kind of a muffled pounding sound which makes my friends sound like they are constantly talking about David Hasselhoff (not just my German friends who talk about him every day anyways) .Listen, I don’t want any sappy emails wishing me well, I don’t deserve them as I am bitchy as hell right now. I am only telling you this crap so you know why I haven’t been out to karaoke. I am so tired I almost fell asleep driving Alexandra (at 80 miles an hour) to the Newark Airport tonight.

That picture above is Alexandra, Joy and I in Hoboken. Alexandra wanted a view of NYC from across the water, and I’ll be dammed if I am going to Brooklyn ever again. (Don’t write me hate mail about bashing Brooklyn either as I don’t care. If you stop too long at some lights, your hub caps will be stolen!). A lot of people have written me and asked me why there are no pictures of Joy. Good Question, but freaky answer. Joy is so deep, I swear she has some freaky Indian soul that hates it’s picture being taken. It sabotages almost every photo I take of her! I do have a nice one of her on my web site, in the Assistants section though. She is from New Zealand in case you didn’t know yet and has become my best friend in America. I love her madly. Alexandra got to see the famous Hoboken (where Frank Sinatra was hatched) and loved it, in fact, her exact words were “If I moved to the US, I will move here. I like it much better than NYC. It is so quiet and clean and so close to Manhattan!”. So there you go.

I don’t know where this picture below has been for so long, but is it me on a killer Harley a while back showing off my rump. If you look hard enough, you can see Satu on the right laughing.

That would be us trying to wake up a DULL Berliner VIP party. Not going to those boring things anymore, if there is no karaoke, count me out.

“When I wake up early in the morning
Lift my head, I’m still yawning
When I’m in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream (float up stream)

Please, don’t wake me, no, don’t shake me
Leave me where I am – I’m only sleeping

Everybody seems to think I’m lazy
I don’t mind, I think they’re crazy
Running everywhere at such a speed
Till they find there’s no need (there’s no need)

Please, don’t spoil my day, I’m miles away
And after all I’m only sleeping”  BEATLES

The Experts Guide Party

The Experts Guide Party (Thursday Night) was alright, but Donald Trump didn't come due to bad planning on someone's part, as he launched his new magazine “Trump World” the same night! (Hope he doesn't put himself on the cover of every issue like another celebrity here in the states-not mentioning any names, but she has her own magazine and puts her own picture on the cover of every issue, which I find a little too much). Anyhow, the main author, Samantha Ettus, who enlisted the Experts for her book 'The Experts Guide to Life' was naturally there and I was asked to pose with her, as were the other Experts there.

That is Samantha and I holding up the book.

When she first laid eyes on me (first time we met in person) she yelled “You are so YOUNG! Oh my god!”. Well, what did she think I was another Dr. Ruth already? Was she expecting me to come wobbling in with a cane? She must have been too busy to look at my web sites.

After the press photographed us, I met Alex Michel, the Original Bachelor, (you know those LAME reality shows that take hot guys and make the chicks fight over them over a few weeks?). Well, I personally have never seen the show, and told him so. He said he has heard a lot about me and wants to do a documentary about me, follow me around with cameras etc. I said, 'take a number buddy!'. Hee hee, I was in a pretty sarcastic mood there as I am still ill and well, I hate all that ass-kissing that goes on at such VIP parties. We chatted for a while and he wanted a sample of my grip, so I rubbed his shoulders for a minute and the press snapped me doing so. There is a magazine here called The New Yorker and the photographer there was from that magazine, so that is where it will end up I guess. Anyhow, I told him I have never seen him, but I know of another Bachelor from US magazine who is eye candy. Alex snapped, “Well, I am the ORIGINAL Bachelor, he got tips for me!”.

Alexandra and I met Andrew Firestone, the aforementioned other Bachelor.

Andrew has had it made, even before birth. He was born into the Firestone family, you know the TIRES that are probably on your car/suv/truck. In other words, he is RICH as hell. He is one of the experts in the book, he wrote the chapter on how to open a wine bottle. He knows he is hot and sought after and I found him a bit snobby if you want to know the truth. I wouldn't be so smug if I was him, he has small feet and a tiny nose, and we ALL know what that means. You shouldn't act like prick unless you are packing a big one. Smiles

After hours of sweating in that hot as HELL French restaurant, (which only had ONE ladies toilet, hello? Hundreds of ladies and one crapper? Cut corners somewhere else pal) Alexandra and I and two ladies from Arizona (one was an Expert who wrote “How to eat with Chop Sticks” named Laura) all piled into my car (the other girl is Asian and her name is hard to remember, something like Tusay) and headed towards a restaurant that they ALL insisted on going to called Indo-Chine.

Here I am attempting to eat eggplant with chop sticks, the girl next to me is Laura, the Expert on Chop Sticks, and not even she could teach me how to use those friggin things so I flagged down our hottie waiter and demanded a fork. By the time I would learn, I would have fainted from hunger!

None of the girls are from NYC (Alexandra has never even been to the USA before) and they have ALL heard about this place. They heard many stars go there and the food is great etc. No stars and the food was NOT all that. No brown rice? Way over priced and the Bathroom was hot as HELL! Jonesy joined us and we all crammed into my car to go to karaoke. Alexandra was too jet lagged and jumped out at her hotel, then we raised HELL. I drive faster and better than any cab driver in Manhattan. I zoom in and out and around the sea of taxis like Michael Schumacher and my passengers love it. I crank the music (usually FUNK to get us rowdy) and fly like the wind. It's like a roller coaster ride.

Roller Coaster

Laura and Tusay really let loose in the car. I took Laura's MOM type earrings our and messed up her hair, took those chop sticks out of her “I don't want sex” hair do and she went wild in the car. There were limbs waving out of every window, including my sun roof and Jonesy video taped the whole time as usual (He has tons of rowdy footage, remind me to bribe him for the tapes).

In the karaoke joint, Jonesy and I decided to try songs we have never tried before as it was pretty empty. I sang “I'm a SOUL MAN” from the blues brothers. It sounded awesome but it is hard to pull off a Blues Brothers tune in a fucking prom dress! Jonesy did Stevie Wonder's “You are the sunshine of my life” so well, the two black dudes in the place gave him jealous looks.Then I did “A day in the life” from the Beatles and I had the timing down perfect, but it's not my range (odd, as it sounds prefect when I sing it in my car!). Laura and Tusay danced when we sang but they refused to sing.

Now, with all that partying, I am back to square one with this evil cold Sicky

Experts Guide finally hits the shops

Hi all,
I am so excited to let you know that I am featured in the new book, ‘The
Experts’ Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How To Do’
, which
hits shelves today!  The author, Samantha Ettus, compiled brief how-to
essays from 100 of the world’s leading experts and I was invited to
contribute a chapter on How to Massage.
Here are just a few of my fellow Experts: Donald Trump (on how to
negotiate), Jennifer Capriati (on how to hit a tennis ball), Debbie
Fields (on baking a chocolate chip cookie), Bikram Choudhury (on
breathing), Howie Mandel (on how to tell a joke), and Bobbi Brown (on
how to apply lipstick).  From how to flirt to how to speed read, how to
remove a stain to how to swing a golf club, this book is like a Cliffs
Notes on life.
Publisher’s Weekly calls it “a coffee table book of the most practical
sort.”  Tastemakers have raved, “Required reading for anyone aiming to
ace real life.” 
Booklist writes, “We need this book.”
Before it is touted on The Today Show, CNN, etc, I wanted to give you a
heads up so you can pick up a copy.  It’s poised to make a splash! For a
preview of the book and a listing of all 100 experts check out <
Also be sure to sign up the for the mailing list because Samantha is
headed on a 23 city book tour and throwing a bunch of great parties
along the way which she would love to invite you to.
Let me know what you think and, feel free to forward this on to your
Dr. Dot
If you want to pre-order a copy today online (or get some holiday
shopping done early) click below:
Cyp9CC&isbn=1400052564&itm=1> &isbn=1400052564&itm=1

End of Egg auction on E Bay

Well, it took them a while to complain, but they did. I was the first (and probably the last) person to sell their “eggs” on E-Bay. Here is them slapping my hands:

Dear Dr Dot   (, We regret to inform you that your eBay auction:

“Dr. Dot sells her eggs, yes, those eggs ” has been ended. All fees associated with this auction have been credited to your account.

The item you have listed does not appear to be consistent with eBay guidelines.

You may not be aware of this, but eBay does not permit human body parts to be
listed on our site. Examples of prohibited items include, but are not limited
to: organs, bone, blood, waste, sperm, and eggs. You may not include such items
as a gift, prize or giveaway in connection with an item listed on eBay. Items
that contain human hair (e.g., lockets) as well as skulls and skeletons that are
used for medical purposes may be listed on eBay.

I did, however, get over 500 emails  Afraid directly sent to me about my eggs . Some wanted to know if they came with “hash-browns and toast”Toast  and if they “could personally fertilize” me.  Sex 

(I told them no)

The highest bid I got was $8,500 from a woman who can’t get pregnant. I will deal with her when I return from Berlin (I am going on Sept. 30 for 29 days).  It's A Smiley! 

Alice Cooper didn’t want a massage tonight, but the band all said hello and the show was great. I am on anti-biotics now fighting a mean sore throat and cough (send flowers please, or food).

I’m off to bed,  Sick In Bed 

ps. The German press wrote about this Saturday, Sunday and today. Click here  to see today’s egg story.

Dr. Dot

Germans freak out over my E-Bay egg sale

Click HERE to see the story in the German press

(tranlasted, it’s a SCANDAL and the churches are upset. The gyno pictured in the article says it’s normal in the US but forbidden in Germany. They say it’s the first time someone has done this on E-bay, auction style)

I say, be a leader not a sheep/follower


House boy/cleaning boy?

Dr. Dot,
Do you have any use for a cleaning boy who works for free? I’d do great work for you, and I expect nothing at all in return. I actually do better work than paid workers do. Several people who have used me offered me paid jobs. I even have references.
I scrub floors, wash dishes, and do whatever other chores you need done. No job is too big or too disgusting.
I live in Brooklyn, and I have pics available if you’re interested.

Passing of Johnny Ramone

 click on picture to see tribute.

I took this picture of Johnny in a hotel in Providence, R.I in 1984!! (Which means I was WAY too young to be in the Ramones hotel room). Please, by the way, do NOT steal/post this picture anywhere else without my permission. I want to share this with fans but do NOT want to see it sold anywhere or posted without my credit. I was on tour with them, as Joey’s gal and Johnny had the room next to Joey’s. There was a door separating the two rooms and for a while they had it open. Johnny came in to hang for a while and ate a doughnut and drank some milk.

I am sad that he died like he did and that he is gone but I have to say he wasn’t Mr. Friendly and every one who knew the Ramones knows this. Maybe now he is in peace up in Rock and Roll heaven and he and Joey can finally get along.

I am sure Arturo is going mad right now, freaking out. Here is what the press wrote about Johnny’s passing:

Ramone, who had been fighting a five-year battle with prostate cancer, died in his sleep Wednesday afternoon at his Los Angeles home surrounded by friends and family, said the band’s longtime artistic director Arturo Vega.

“He was the guy with a strategy. He was the guy who not only looked after the band’s interest but he also was their defender,” Vega said in a telephone interview from New York.

Ramone, whose birth name is John Cummings, had been hospitalized in June at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

Along with his wife, Linda Cummings, Johnny Ramone was surrounded at his death by friends, including Pearl Jam rocker Eddie Vedder, singer Rob Zombie and others. Other friends who gathered at his Los Angeles home included Lisa Marie Presley, Pete Yorn, Vincent Gallo and Talia Shire.

He is survived by his wife and his mother, Estelle Cummings. He will be cremated during a private ceremony.” Associated Press.

A response about the Ebay/Egg auction

Dear dr dot,

So I”m totally down with this eggs thing but i’m more intested in doing a bit of fertilization my self? How long do I get with Dr. Dot, and how many times do we get to do it to ensure she gets fertilized?