Zappa Plays Zappa (and how!)


Pic I took of Frank and his son Ahmet during sound check in Long Island 1988 ^

(note: Ahmet is sadly not on the tour)

Monday  ( May 22nd) was one of the best days I have had in years. I saw the ZAPPA PLAYS ZAPPA  show . You must know by now that I am pretty much obsessed with Frank Zappa’s music, so seeing Frank’s son, Dweezil, play his fathers music with perfection was pretty much heaven on earth. My obsession started LONG ago when I was a child. My Father (well, he adopted me when I was 1 year old, so he is my Father) is to this day a huge Zappa fan. Chet raised me on Zappa music,  and my Mom constantly played the Beatles when he was out. My hippie aunts (both really young, in fact, my Mom was 16 when she was preggy with me and my Dad was 17 when he adopted me) always played Janis Joplin and Zeppelin when I was around. The house was pretty much a hippie flop house ( “every town must have a place where phony hippies meet, psychedelic dungeons popping up on every street” Frank Zappa). So, out of all that music, I really hung onto the Zappa and Beatles the most, as you can see.

Zappa was not only the best musician I know of, but his lyrics are so funny, they make me literally roll on the floor with laughter when I hear them. What a great combo, what a RARE combo. My Dad brought me to several Zappa concerts when I was a young whipper snapper, and I am grateful for this, thank you Dad! At one of the shows he got me a Zappa t-shirt that said ” Tittie’s and Beer”, which is the name of one of his songs. I wore it to school the next day (I was in the 7th grade) and the teachers were “not amused” and I was sent home. Frank has never been mainstream. I mean, how many times have YOU heard Frank on the radio? Seen him on TV? Not often. People who are into Frank were usually turned onto him by someone who cares. It’s mostly through word of mouth that you hear of Frank, that’s why I spend so much time preaching him, I want to turn as many folks onto Zappa’s music as possible, it’s that amazing.

In 1988, I went on Zappa’s “Broadway the Hardway” tour and never asked for a penny for massaging Frank and the rest of his giant band. I made it clear, I wasn’t “only in it for the money”. I told Frank and co. that I would massage them for free and my payment would be the honor to see every sound check and show for free. Sooo , I got to see their sometimes 3 hour long sound checks and shows every night, it was PARADISE. Yes, I was missing classes and pissing off parental units but I didn’t give a fuck. This was much more important. Hey, I even got to eat their catering, so it was all good. Frank was very fun to be around, I was in awe the whole time, but tried my best to hide it. Me and about 4 other Zappa freaks got to sit in the empty hall during sound check and during their Portland Maine sound check, I accidentally let out one of my MONSTER BURPS. When I drink Diet Coke, all hell breaks loose. AnyWHO, I let one rip and Frank (who had his back to the empty venue while he was conducting his band)  turned around, leered at us, and said “which one of you did that?”. Naturally the other Zappa fans who were somehow connected and lucky enough to be watching the masters sound check turned on me and all pointed at me. I turned NEON RED and raised my hand sheepishly and said with a , squeaky, cracking voice “it was me”.

Frank motioned to me and said “come here, come up here” and pointed to the stairs on the side of the stage. I reluctantly went to him, like I was going to lay my neck down on a wooden block, waiting for the blade. The whole band was watching impatiently and Frank had me come right up to him and said “could you do that again into the sampler?”. I exhaled so strongly I almost fainted. I thought for sure I was about to get my face ripped off and expelled from the Zappa sphere. But no, it was time to perform. I said “I need another Diet Coke though”. Frank said to a stage hand “get her a Coke!”. I said, “um, it has to be Diet Coke, more bubbles”. “Ok, he said, get her a DIET Coke, and make it snappy”. So  finally my burps were recorded into a sampler and they used it for the rest of the tour to make fun of the TV Evangelists at the time, and now you can hear it on the Zappa live Album called “the Best band you’ve NEVER heard in your life”.. or simply click on the banner below..

The tour was amazing and I got to meet Dweezil and Ahmet, Frank’s sons and Frank affectionately crowned me “Dr. Dot”. I was just DOT before, as Dot is short for Dorothy. My Granny was named Dorothy and most called her Dot. I was named after her and so most called me Dot. Frank would say “go get the Doctor” or “hi Doctor Dot” and so it stuck. I am honored. When Frank died of prostrate cancer in 1993, I was in tears for days. I have never gotten over it and preaching his music is my way of thanking him for his music and allowing me to see his sound checks and shows. I was estatic to hear that Dweezil is touring with an amazing band, playing his Father’s music. Even though I knew I would probably get in for free and end up massaging them all, I still bought a ticket, just in case.

 Napoleon Murphy Brock  (< click on link to read about him) and I have been buddies for years. < Napi and I

He has been touring with a Frank Zappa tribute band called Project Object, keeping the faith. Now he is on tour with Zappa plays Zappa. He does most of the vocals in the show. He usually steals the show, he is so talented; sings and dances like no other. He knows Frank’s music inside and out as he played with Frank for YEARS. Anyways, Napoleon and I have kept in touch and he called me from the Zappa plays Zappa Norwegian show, telling me the whole band is excited about getting the Dr. Dot rub down on Monday in Berlin. I was so excited, I think I didn’t sleep for a few days after that. Monday finally came and I arrived with my guitar player (for my band Bitchfest) Eno, who is one of the biggest Zappa fans I know. Napoleon, or Napi as everyone calls him, was outside to greet me personally. He gave me a giant bear hug and then shook Eno’s hand. Eno handed him 10 Finish marks (on one live Zappa recording, it was said, if one handed Frank 10 Finish marks, they would play whatever they were asked to play). Sadly, it didn’t work heh heh.

Napi proudly introduced me to the band. I already knew Steve Vai, but never met Terri Bozzio before, so I was star struck, yes, even I get star struck! I got to watch the sound check *sigh*

  <Dweezil at sound check


Sheila,Terri, Jamie, Joe , Aaron  (part of the Zappa plays Zappa band) ^

Terri Bozzio warming up before his AMAZING performance ^

(how my camera SUCKS!! Note to self, get a fucking new camera!!!)



 I chatted with Dweezil (haven’t seen him for years). He was more gorgeous then I remembered. I tell you, all he would have had to do is say “I want you” and it would have been done. BUT, contrary to the rumors I heard (I heard he was single), I was let down to hear he was married and is expecting his first child next month. BOOOOO! Well, I am happy he is spreading those genes, but gutted that it’s not with me. heh heh.

 I first massaged Sheila Gonzalez (sax, keyboards, vocals). She loved it and did good PR for me which made everyone else in the band fight over who was next. YAY! Next on the slab was Steve Vai (one of the best guitarist in the world)

Sorry Ladies, Steve has been happily married for 28 years to his college sweet heart.


Steve is so polite and friendly, I have been massaging him over the years and have yet to see him in a bad mood. He said this tour was like a tiny vacation for him as he didn’t have to play during the whole show. He just showed up for the last 30 minutes or so and kicked ASS! He was busy in his dressing room writing/composing the whole time.  The papers he was writing on were so big, they covered all the tables, like plans for a house, but covered in musical notes that would confuse Beethoven . I introduced him to my daughter, Jasmine (who also plays guitar) and he was super nice, Jasmine kept saying to me”as a guitar player, I have to say, I’m not worthy”.

One of the funniest parts of the night for me was when Steve Vai picked up one of my BITCHFEST flyers, which were laying around all over the backstage area and he read the GROUPIE APPLICATION out loud to everyone, he LOVED our Bitchfest flyer. He then asked me to explain the whole thing to him and was laughing his ass off.

Jasmine and Steve Vai (my little cutie turned Red upon first meeting the guitar hero) ^

The show was amazing, but the venue had shitty acoustics. I stood next to the sound man most of the show. I asked him about the sound and he was furious. He was cursing the venue the whole show. He couldn’t turn it up louder as the shape of the Tempodrom was so strange, the sound merely got fuzzy when he turned it up. They played wonderfully, words escape me, but I like it loud and this joint couldn’t accommodate. Keep that in mind if you are ever touring you are about to play the Tempodrom in Berlin. Tell the booking agent/promoters, NO THANKS!

During the encore , some Frank Zappa fans held up a BIG yellow banner that read “You may have the genes, but we keep the spirit alive: ZAPPANALE 2006!”. This was like a big FUCK YOU to Dweezil. He told me how much it pissed him off and why during his 90 minute massage. Zappanale  (please click the link to read all about it). It’s an unofficial, annual festival that celebrates Frank Zappa. There are two sides to the Zappa story. Well, you see, there are millions of Zappa fans that are starving to hear someone play live Zappa music and to hear unreleased Zappa tunes, and they satisfy their desire by seeing Zappa tribute bands and going to the Zappanale etc. But the Zappa family frowns upon such things because they want his music done EXACTLY how Frank made it, and preferably by his sons, Dweezil and Ahmet. So some Zappa fans resent the Zappa family because they know the Zappa family doesn’t support these festivals etc. Frank’s sister, Candy Zappa makes special appearances at the Zappanale and Frank wasn’t even close to her at all. Kind of like what Pete Best does at Beatles conventions. This pisses off the Zappa family, so it’s complicated. I think it was fucking RUDE of those idiots to hold up that bitter banner right in front of Dweezil, he is trying his best to play his father’s music exactly how it is meant to be played and has hired incredible musicians to help spread the music around the world. Dweezil says he really hopes more young people get into Zappa music and was happy to see my daughter wearing an official Zappa t-shirt at the gig. Dweezil said so far the best audience was in Sweden. He was amazed to see what appeared to be three 15 year old GIRLS in the front row singing to every song, he said they knew every single word to every song and was very impressed.

I told him that people write to me every day and ask me what is a good starter kit to get into Zappa, as in, what albums should one buy to get into Frank. I usually tell them Joe’s Garage; We’re only in it for the Money and Tinseltown Rebellion. Dweezil said “really? I always suggest Apostrophe and Overnite sensation as a starter kit”. I usually don’t speak during a massage, but Dweezil was very chatty and hello, I wanted him to be chatty, I couldn’t get enough of his insight and comments about his father and the music. Dweezil is so relaxed and cool, so down to earth and friendly. I mentioned is amazing blue eyes and he said he is the only one in the whole family with blues eyes. I also asked him why doesn’t he sport his dad’s signature stash and tiny beard. He said he grew it once but it looked ridiculous on him and shaved it off.

This man is extremely talented, his guitar playing rivals his Dad’s, but yet it’s different. If you are on your way to see a Zappa plays Zappa show, please, show the band how much you LOVE the music, give big time applause, show the love, make Dweezil understand how grateful we are that he is taking this show on the road and let him know we support him 100%.

 Dweezil and I *SIGH*   ^
 Dweezil and Jasmine  ^ (she was in heaven ok?)
Jasmine and Terri  Bozzio ^
 Jasmine, Terri and Me ^  (no, im not a midget, they are sitting on a table)









Ask Dr. Dot ( polygamy/ Blaming Bitch/ Faking it)


My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating, even though I'm not. I want to know how I can stop her from this insulting behavior. Sometimes I work late or go for a few brews with my friends, and this prompts a huge amount of questioning and blaming. I love her madly but this has got to stop or I'm history.


Perhaps you should open your eyes a bit more as to what she's up to, why she's so quick to blame. The next time she throws accusations your way, say "Just like a thief lives in fear of someone stealing from them, a cheater is always afraid their partner is cheating on them, is that why you keep accusing me?". This should shut her up. If you really are being faithful and she won't let up, warn her once, then walk.


I have a confession to make, I have been faking orgasms with my boyfriend and I want to come clean. I am 34 and he is 27, we have been together for 2 years and he has never made me cum but I fake it so well, he thinks I cum every time. It started out harmlessly, I just faked the orgasm because he was working so hard at it and I was getting tired. Now it's a game I have to keep up and I am getting sick of it. I can make myself cum, but he can't. Please throw me a bone.

Faking Fran


Faking an orgasm is like bombing for peace, or fucking for virginity. It's the most ignorant thing one can do. Just be yourself and you can never go wrong. Telling him you have been faking it will surely end the relationship so if you want to save it, just stop faking it immediately and when he asks what's wrong, just tell him you are stressed/tired or you feel it's time to try new things in bed, then SHOW him how to make you really cum. Show him how YOU make yourself cum. If you really don't give a rat's ass about the relationship, tell him you have been faking, it will make you feel great to come clean but surely it will crush him and make you look like a lying cunt. Being brutally honest is empowering and can hurt others, but being too diplomatic and acting is far worse.



I have been "dating"(no sex yet , well maybe a little) a man whom I have had an incredible connection with . I hadn't been physically attracted at first but he made it clear he was and if we spent time together I would be too. He is an amazing man, kind, romantic, well respected ,very creative in many ,many ways (musician), treats me with great respect and appreciates the woman I am, we work well together, my affection did grow over time(about 9 months ) and now we are madly in love. The problem is he is a polygamist  ( different than a swinger ) and of course a GEMINI . He is also Muslim ,very committed to his faith . Now when he first told me I thought no problem I was not attracted and we will have a great friendship, now that we are in love I have to decide to end it or continue, the thought of ending it breaks my heart . We have spent hours talking about his lifestyle and mine and I have come to understand the place his has and have come to accept it. I am very contemplative, intellectual person and have done a lot of reading on Islam and polygamy. He is very clear about his intentions to make me his 2nd wife (spiritual union before god , not a legal marriage) and despite my upbringing I am considering it on so many levels it feels right. He is not the player type , if I want to be with him I have to make a real commitment. He is planning a night out with his wife and I so we can meet each other. This will either snap me back into reality or be a pleasant surprise.

My question to you is :"Is it possible for a good descent man to want two wives? Is it also possible for a strong independent woman to truly accept this? Or am I compromising because I am so madly in love , have I been brainwashed?
Willing Wanda


Most men find it hard to be physically true anyways, so what's the difference? (spare me the bitchy emails, I said "MOST") At least he's being honest about it. As in, "I am strong enough to care for more than one woman, and I want you to be one of them". Marrying him means you are cool with his ways and don't feel threatened. Nothing last forever anyways and we only live once. If you "marry" him and find out later it's not for you, just leave, as you said, it's not a legal marriage, just a spiritual one. No big deal.
Take a chance, love is worth it.
Live, Love, laugh and do like Janis Joplin says "get it while you can!"

Ask Dr. Dot (Lover count/Anal enthusiast)


My girlfriend won’t tell me how many lovers she has had in the past. I told her my number, but she won’t even give me a ballpark figure. Is this a bad sign? She is really good looking and amazing in bed, so I can’t help but wonder. How can I get her to tell me? It’s making me curious to the point where I’m debating hiring a Detective.



Even if you hired her Gynecologist as your Detective you will never know how many lovers she has had and if you did know, you may end up disappointed, angry, jealous and/or bored. This topic should be taboo, it’s private and irrelevant! Asking such questions makes you appear insecure (and nosy!) which gives her power over you in the game of love. Don’t tamper with the fine balance in a relationship if you don’t have to. The past is over, just live in the now and enjoy her talent. 


Not trying to be conceited, but I am a hot young lady. When I go out to clubs, guys always ask for my number all night long. If I say ‘no’, they get mad and call me stuck up or a bitch etc. Should I just say I don’t have a phone? I even tell them I have a boyfriend, and they don’t care.
Pretty Woman


You must feel like a star. If you don’t have the balls to say "Well, I would give you my digits, but your breath smells like a compost heap so first drag your ass to the dentist", then say "Here is my landline, but don’t call after 10pm or you’ll wake my roommate" (that way they won’t try the number in front of you). Plan ahead, save a few ‘fake’ numbers in your handy, like the number to an office that you know is closed at night, or CLICK HERE  to find the number for your area and memorize it. Make sure you know where the nearest exit is in case they call your bluff.

I’ve just begun stretching my anus in the hope that it expands enough to take cock. i’m currently using a medium sized butt plug. i use it once or twice a week only because of time constraints. the problem is that i can’t take the entire plug into my butt with ease yet so i can’t imagine how my hole would become wide enough to take a large plug let alone the average sized cock.What steps can i take to get a big ass-hole? How do porn stars develop wide holes?

Anal Aspirant


I am not an Anal enthusiast, in other words, I find anal sex to be a pain in the ass and I’m not the best one to ask for ass advice. I’ve heard from my gay Uncle that doing it in the missionary position at first makes it less painful (in other words, doggy style is hell) and to have loads of lube at hand. As far as I’m concerned the asshole is EXIT ONLY, so may I suggest asking a gay man, they are ALL about anal. Oh and to answer your last question "how do porn stars get such wide holes", well, that seems rather obvious doesn’t it? They take a pounding in their ass on a daily basis (makes you wonder what their farts sound like), and as we all know, practice makes perfect.

Ask Dr. Dot (In the game again/leaving family for trim?/ Penis pasta)


I would like to know how I can grab the interest of a man. I am divorced, and a
little overweight and my self-esteem is not as good as it could be. I am so
horny I can  hardly stand it, but I do not want to come across to a guy as some
loose whore type. I also want the real thing as I have worn out my vibrator. How
can I get a man to like me or be interested in me?
Desperate EX-Housewife


First, it is vital to improve your self image and getting into  
shape is the fastest way. Don’t just do it to get a man, do it because it will
make you feel better, live longer and look better. Once you start
feeling better in your shell, men will take notice because they can smell
confidence, which is the best aphrodisiac on earth.
There are loads of ways to meet men, you just have to be in the right place
for them to pursue you. First think of what kind of man you want. If you don’t
mind a man who drinks or smokes, you can go to any bar and get laid. If you
want a more stable man, learn to golf or take a karate class, both are usually
predominantly male. Take your pick, short skirt with NO cleavage or jeans with
a sexy top that shows cleavage, but never do both together, it just screams
"EASY MEAT" in other words, desperate, which is a turn off. Anyone who tries
too hard is a turn off in my opinion. You could try on line dating but make
sure you meet them in the day time at a cafe or diner, never at your place or
his. I usually don’t give out my secret scent, but you sound in dire need so
go splurge on "Hypnotic Poison" by Christian Dior, it brings most men to their
knees.Go easy on the make up, that also scares men away and avoid talking
much, especially about why you and your ex didn’t work out (YAWN!) just say
you out grew each other and change the subject.
Let me know how it goes, I  have met wonderful guys at Karaoke bars;
the men have talent and are outgoing, not just into beer and flirting.


I met a woman on-line 5 years ago. At first she was a nymphomaniac, couldn’t get enough,

so I married her three months later. Slowly the sex life died down, we had a baby, then there was no

sex for a year, then we finally had sex, she got pregnant and now we have two kids and NO SEX LIFE.

I have begged, romanced her, everything, she won’t budge. I finally met a Chinese woman at work and started

an affair .For the last 3 months we have amazing sex and she makes me feel alive again. She has to return to China and wants me to join her.

I am ready to leave my wife; will be sad to leave my kids, but I can’t live in a sexless miserable marriage. I just want your

opinion on this, am I wrong?

Set Free Freddy



You could be going from the frying pan into the fire. You don’t know her that well and I can tell you, most women give it their all in the beginning to lure the man into

a relationship/marriage (I said MOST, not all!). If you left your wife and two kids for her, what happens when she loses her sex drive? I would think long and hard about that if I were you. The grass is always greener, an old statement but one that still holds strong. I understand having an affair, but not one that could prevent you and your children from seeing each other regularly. Women come and go, kids are forever.


Please don’t scathe me, but I can’t be true to a man. I always have boy-friends and cheat on them, then cheat on THEM (the one’s I cheat on). I have always done this and felt I had to confess and ask for help.  I am now 35 but look VERY hot for my age. Most think I am 25. I realize that soon I should have a baby and settle down, but feel it isn’t in me to be true. How can I change that flaw? It’s raining men, I have my pick but one is never enough.

Binging Barb


You either just LOVE a variety of cock or you are so afraid of being left that you keep a few going at the same time to avoid ending up alone. Perhaps you were abandoned by one of your parents in your youth or never got over your first heart break. It isn’t fair to the guys UNLESS you are upfront about it. There is nothing wrong with playing the field, as long as you tell them they are not the only one. When you start making them all believe they are the only one, then you are heading for disaster and sleepless nights.Start being brutally honest and see what happens, it could be freeing and finally show you who the right one is for you. The one who is persistent in making you solely his will hopefully show you that true love does exist. Dating like you do may appear to be the safe option, but it is preventing you from experiencing intimate love, the stuff all the great songs are about. No one can avoid heart break, in fact, it builds character and makes you appreciate love much more.