Crappy Massages- I’ve had ENOUGH!!

I am ill, some sort of evil cold or I don’t know what it is, but I think it must have come from massaging almost 20 people Sunday night at the Bloodhound Gang show. I have paid 3 different people to come to my place and massage me here in Berlin and each massage SUCKED!

It is so fucking hard to get a good massage!!! My team is busy so I hire random massage therapists, thinking the next one HAS to be better, but they aren’t. They talk too much, do too much voo-doo bullshit like hold their arms in the air to "feel the vibe of the room" for 15 minutes (hello, you’re on the clock fuck face, let’s get moving and rub my ass down!) or they insist on their new-age sappy music which they bring with them (sorry but I prefer to get massaged to Janice, the Beatles or the Moody Blues, hell, sometimes even AC/DC!) Their "muzak" only makes aggressive. The most popular problem is I can’t FEEL THEM! Hello, I need pain. I am willing to dish out a lot of cash for a brutal massage but no one has the balls or cares enough to put some elbow grease into it, SO I just have to wait until I get back to NYC and have my FAVORITE massage therapist come and beat me up. ‘CATHERINE  the GREAT’  I LOVE YOU!!!!!!  (this is why she is my US representative! She ROCKS!)

"sometimes a RUB don’t feel like it should, you make it hurt so good.. come on baby make it hurt so good!"  LMFAO!

Best Massage in Hollywood!

Finally! I am proud and relieved to announce we have a very dependable, strong and ambitious Massage assistant in Hollywood.

It is so hard to find a female massage assistant in Hollywood that is qualified, strong, honest, dependable and quite frankly, good enough to

be on our team. Good things come to those who wait and we did. Please let me know if you need a massage in Hollywood, I will

set you up with Laura and you will be healed in no time. See her picture and read more about her below.

Thanks!

Dr. Dot

                       

 

"Hi, My name is Laura.  I'm originally from San Antonio, Texas and raised in
Los Angeles, California.   I became a Massage therapist in January of 2004. 
While I was going through school for massage I was dating a drummer.  He was
the one I practiced on most of the time.  I learned about his body mechanics
and what kind of massage techniques to apply to his specific needs as a
musician.  I realized there must be a great need in the music industry for
Deep Tissue Massage.

My real focus when I started was to work with professional athletes since I'm
an athlete myself.  Working in Hollywood has really pulled me more into the
world of movies and music.  I've worked on famous musicians and people in the
film industry.  I am certified in many types of techniques.  My specialty is
deep tissue.  I always sink into the muscles rather then just “dig in”.   I
have an uncanny ability to sense what is going on in the body just by touch. 
I can sense injury, pain source, and tension. When giving a massage, I take a
lot into consideration before customizing something to fit your specific
goals.  During the massage, I’m very focused on what I am doing and blocking
out everything else around me.  I love what I do and it shows in my end
results.  People often tell me I have magical hands, they are surprised and
delighted at how deep I can get into the muscles.

   I was thrilled when Dr. Dot contacted me.  I was tested and passed with
flying colors.  I’m grateful to be a part of her international massage team."

Bloodhound Gang did Berlin

Sunday night I went to the Bloodhound Gang  show at the Columbia Halle here in Berlin. I have never seen them before but saw their silly video for the song "you and me baby

and nothing but mammals, so lets do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel", obviously this band has a great sense of humor.  There was a great vibe backstage, everyone

was in a good mood and super friendly. I first massaged the drummer, Adam, who used to be in a band called "A" out of Essex, UK. His twin brother was also backstage and

it took me a while to figure that out. I kept talking to the twin thinking it was Adam, DOH! They are both like 6 feet tall, blond eye candy just for your info. The picture I have down below of Adam doesn’t do him justice…anyhow, I kicked Adam’s ASS like he asked me to. He had knots galore, and apparently had never had a massage before.

(found out today through the rock and roll grape vine that most of the band is hurting and some are bruised from my evil hands. But I do warn people that if they hardly ever get a massage and then then get one from me, they will be hurtin for certain the next day BUT the day after that, they will feel born again. The bruising happens to people who have soft connective tissue).

         

 Harry (singer) getting a rub down  ^                                                                                       a pre-show hug from Jimmy  Pop ^

Then I massaged Harry, one of the singers. He is from PA and had his girlfriend Beth along for part of the tour. I massaged her after Harry and she said it was her

first massage too, so the place was full of massage virgins. I love that, I love to be the first one to pop their massage cherry. Gene Simmons and Oasis told me I broke their

massage cherry too  *sigh*.

Before the show, Lupus (real name Matt) the guitar player saw me massaging every one and I asked him if he wanted one too. He said "you know what, I fucking HATE

massages. I LOVE to be stressed out and just loathe being rubbed down, so thanks but NO THANKS!" . He said it in a friendly way, but he was adamant about it. Um, remember

my Motorhead blog? Lemmy said the exact same shit before the show, but he caved in and let me rub his hands, then forearms and then shoulders.

Bloodhound Gang’s set list and the pic that Jared gave me. Never met a bass player before that used a pic, or maybe I just never noticed (?)

There were only two big rooms for the band to hang out in and they were adjoined by an open door. I was in one with my massage table, rubbing everyone down,

and all the while Rob, the British lighting dude sat there on the couch with Jared and brainstormed together with two German dudes on what shall appear on the huge

screen up above the stage. They use a lap top to make the text that appears each night and they employ locals to help translate the stuff into that particular countries language

and of course most of it is naughty slang. I was helping out to, coming up with loads of things in German for them. They wanted to say "the first row is really ugly" but I

had them write (in German) "thanks for letting the ugly folks up to the front" . It sounded hilarious in German.. erm, guess you had to be there. lol.

Normally I rub every one down before the show and then go home unless the band asks me to stay and rub them down after the show OR if it’s a band I want to see play. I

have never seen these guys yet and Beth kept saying how fun they were live so I decided to stay and see what all the hype was about…

 

              

I stood in the press pit and this is a view of the crowd ^  ………………………………………………………………..Then two German girls were asking me "are you Dr. Dot!??" and they asked to

take pictures with me.. maybe they will see it here online lol…they were so sweet! I think they had the hots for Jared

                                            

 Jared in action, no shirt, teasing the babes                                                                                   and Jimmy Pop goin’ at it ^

      < See the text on the screen?It says "this song is a little gay"

 Jared getting Jaeger Meister poured into his pie hole ^  and a fan sitting and eating a WHOLE box of Dunkin’ Doughnuts with the promise that he will vomit profusely soon after

I was wondering why all the German security was bitching about the band, and  asked why. They said "because they fucking PUKE all over the stage and sometimes

piss all over it too" (of course they said this in a very sprockets kind of German). I was like "wot!?" oh GOD, I definitely have to see the show now. I haven’t seen that

crap since Alice Cooper did it  (years ago)..ok, so these guys are fun AND gross AND entertaining. Sweet! Cliche’ Rock and Roll behavior , I love  that.

 

  

One of my favorite moments, right before a band ^ goes back on stage, they talk, or pray or what have you, I love to capture that moment if they let me. Too bad my camera

bites weenie. Above right, Jared wearing his I LOVE VAGINA shirt. More men need to wear these shirts, especially in GAY cities like Berlin.

   

Jimmy Pop ^   getting a belly massage (he is NOT shy at ALL!)      Adam the drummer getting abused ^ (sorry gals, he’s married)

        

Jimmy again ^

After the show, there was an open bar party upstairs with Harry laying the music down… But instead of rushing up to the party (notice I changed and combed my hair for the

freakin’ party?) anyhow, Jimmy finally agreed to let me massage him, what started as just the neck turned into the back, head, neck, face, hands, arms, belly and feet.

He LOVED my massage and was really in heaven. Jimmy is super fucking funny and doesn’t give a FUCK what anyone thinks of him. He poses happily for pictures and

is super nice to fans. I love this kind of star/musician. Super friendly and cool.. love it. I asked him about that "video" I mentioned before (the "Mammals song") and he

said the day they shot that video in Paris , it was almost 90 degrees out and they all had to wear those furry costumes, they were sweatin’ their BALLS off but still had

to film.. LOL!

..

Harry doing his DJ thang ^  (while chatting to Jimmy and Adam). Jimmy Pop is giving me the thumbs up in the pic, but you can hardly tell cause my CAMERA is CRAP!

Oh, I have to explain this picture above right. Jared decided he wanted a massage DURING the after show party. It was 200 fucking DEGREES up there as they weren’t

allowed to open the windows due to the loud music and EVERY one was smoking! Anyhow, all the fans are dancing and keeping one eye always on each member of the

band. Jared is hard to miss, he is over 6 feet tall and all the girls were swooning over him. Anyhow, stands up, peels his Vagina shirt off nice and slow (all the girls are

staring, wonder what’s going to happen next) and he sits down and has me rub his shoulders for 20 minutes (I was sweating to DEATH but still gave it my all). Germans

stare, and I don’t just mean a glance, they STARE until you can feel it burn through your fucking head. They were watching the whole time in disbeliefe that he would just

stop partying and get a rub down. Loads of peeps whipped out their cameras and had a field day .

  

Beth the Goddess from PA and I at the after show bash ^

I then decided to give Beth a foot rub. So she got her feet out and I was amazing how fucking gorgeous her feet were!

 

I massaged her feet and calves for at least a half hour. She confirmed my theory that if only men would rub our feet, we would be putty in their hands..

Since we had a crowed watching I had fun sniffing her feet really long for the gawkers pleasure. Beth and I were laughing our ASSES off.

But seriously, she has AMAZING feet, let the foot fettish in you enjoy the beauty above….Her boyfriend is a lucky man!

                 

Lupus and I after his massage. Yeah, you read correctly. He finally surrendered to Dorothy and got the kick ass pit bull style massage. I assume he is the one hurting the most

today in Hamburg, but like they say, "no pain, no gain…"

In short ,the Bloodhound Gang are extremely entertaining in concert and very very fun people. If they are coming to a town near you, go see them, you will have a great time.

Ps. I fly back to NYC this Sunday…I want to be a part of it, New York, New York  boooooo WAAAAH!

Ask Dr. Dot (Don’t shave your nads!/His Castle/Heeled Hell/Quick Dick/How to give good head)

Q.
Dear Dr. Dot,

My girlfriend asked me to have my whole genital area waxed for her birthday but I am really afraid. Does this shit hurt? She says all of her girlfriends guys have done it. Not looking forward to this humilitaion ONE BIT. SOS!

Jungle Jim

A.

Dear J.J,   Lets face it, cocks and especially balls are no pretty sight. At best, they  look like an injured, plucked chicken.

The hairs help hide the unsightly toys.  Besides, waxing HURTS and this

whole Metrosexual movement makes me want to puke. I understand the manicure/pedicure part of it all, but anything else

(eyebrow shaping, ball waxing, highlighted hair) is queer as fuck. It's hard enough in big cities telling apart the Hetro's from
the Homo's and now almost every guy has better eyebrows than Madonna in her Heyday.
Ok, where was I? oh yes, your balls.
Tell her it makes you feel more masculine with furry nads and warn her the inevitable stubble will shred her clit to bits. How about just
trimming the hairs with a comb and scissors? (the comb prevents scissor/ball contact but only cutting hair that protrudes through teeth of comb).

Maybe she is after some sort of amusing revenge..

Q.

After 3 years of blissful dating, my boy friend and I finally moved in together 4 months ago (he moved into my place because it's bigger and in a better area). Ever since we have lived together, he has been moody and puts me down verbally (even in front of mutual friends). He won't go down on me anymore and I fear we are doomed. Do you think living together was a bad idea? How can I save our relationship? I am crazy about him and don't want to lose him!

Freaked out Francine

A.

You know that term "a man's home is his castle"? It's old but still applies to the modern day cave man. It's always better when the woman moves into the man's place  (unless your last name is Federline) or finding a new, mutual place together. No matter how modern the times get, men still like to be the caretaker and the king of his domain. He probably feels like an incapable boy or a guest, which explains his tiny tantrums. Since he can't be the big guy who gave you shelter, he has to bring you down a few notches by insulting you and withholding *gasp* oral sex. I realize it may be difficult, but finding a new place (let him pick it out) and moving in there is probably the key to your success for you two. If that's not possible, you have to let him know being nasty to you in any way may make him feel big and strong but will also leave him single. And even though I am not a fan, Lil' Kim hit the nail on the head when she said "if you ain't lickin' it, you ain't stickin' it".

Q.

Dear Dr. Dot,
My boyfriend always wants me to wear heels when we go out; he says it turns him on. They kill my feet, but I do it for him. Is there any happy medium to this torture?
Painful Pedi

A.

Dear PP,
I am so over heels. I only wear them in the bed room and that's that. Tell him you are on strike and will only wear them in the house. If he moans about it, buy him some heels in his size and ask him to walk around in them for a few hours and that will be the end of that topic. Sure, some guys love high heels, but wearing them in the house to seduce them will do… AND oddly enough, the more laid back you are dressed the more guys will approach you. All men gawk at a scantily dressed 'femme fatale', but most don't have the balls to approach her. They think (1)High maintenance (2) Too expensive (3) "I'm not worthy". If you wear sexy jeans with a cute top and comfy shoes, you will appear more approachable and happy because high heels hurt so much they turn even the sweetest girl into a raging bitch by midnight. In short, men usually don't care what you wear on your feet, as long as you look cute, a tad sexy and clean. Same with those long fake porno nails girls have cemented on; I've never heard ONE guy say "oh you should have seen her, her nails/shoes were so HOT!". Try some cute platforms, they make you taller, look feminine but don't have that painful downhill form. No love is worth suffering for.

Q.

I'm a "minute man" even though I masturbate 2-3 times a week. I need help to get over this or I will lose my pussy posse.

Quick Dick

A.

You're not going to like my answer but I'm not one to sugar coat. When you wank, there is definitely a time where you know you are going to cum and if you want to, you can put it off a while to enjoy yourself a tad longer. It's the same thing when it comes to fucking. A generous man knows when he is approaching that "road" to orgasm and will hold off until his lady cums first (not sure how it works with gay men, I mean, with Heteros, it's 'ladies first', but with gays, who goes first?) anyways, cuming after one minute of being inside your date shows you are a selfish prick (or there is a medical problem you need to have taken care of). YES, it feels good; so good you want to shoot your load, but wait until you make her cum first! If you absolutely can't get your cock to cooperate, you should lick her until she cums, then have your one minute ride. I wouldn't put up with it but then again , there are a lot of females who don't care so much about sex, so there is still hope for you after all.

Q.

You are my only hope.  My boyfriend of 10 months told me that he I don't blow him well.  Well, I don't do it often, but he never asks for it anymore (now I know why!) I
don't mind doing it, especially because he is really good at returning the favor. The sex is great (I always cum), but I want to spoil him orally. He says he tried to tell me when it feels good, but I'm not persistent enough.  I can't just do it the same way all the time, my back and neck gets
tired and his penis is pretty big, so I need to take it out once in a while. He says he can feel my teeth and it hurts him (I don't even
feel my teeth touching it, so I don't know how it happens.) He actually went from being hard to soft in my mouth last  night, which means I am on the 'Highway to oral Hell'

Confused, but eager!

A.

Make him sit on the edge of a bed or sofa (this will prevent your neck form hurting and you can take your sweet old time).

You kneel down onto a pillow to protect your knees and take his cock into your best hand (If you are left handed, use your
left hand, if you are right handed, use your right hand).
Hold his cock very firm, and the most important thing is to imagine the whole time how it feels for his cock.
Just like us girls like a big fat cock, men like a small, tight, wet, pussy.
Suck on the tip of the cock and at the same time, use your hand to hold it
tightly but stroke it like he is fucking your pussy. He
should only notice that you have it in your mouth, he shouldn't  notice 
your  hand much. From time to time take more of it into your mouth, when you have more of him in your mouth, move your hand towards the base.

You could always cup his balls with your other hand if he likes it (you may have to ask his preference).  Keep his cock wet so your hand slides nicely while you keep the head of the cock in your mouth the whole time. Your mouth and hand should work together, the same
pace, the same direction, the same stroke. Ask him once, "does this feel good
baby?" and if he says yes, KEEP at it until he cums (you should ask him before hand

if he wants to see himself cum into your mouth, if yes, close your eyes and keep your mouth open,

all the while firmly stroking him. Keep eyes closed because sperm will burn your eyes and make

them red and swollen for hours). If you haven't asked him his orgasm preference, then have him cum

into your mouth while it's still in there and don't miss a beat, let him cum in your mouth, and store some of his cum in your
cheeks like a hamster does food, and swallow a tiny bit at a time so you don't
choke or gag, which is a total mood killer. He will be happy if you swallow his cum. Try to look him in the eyes once in a while when you blow him, this makes
him know that you accept him, which is  important for a guy. About the teeth situation, roll your lips over your teeth and keep it like that the whole time you

are blowing him, never forget this, or you will ruin it and scare his erection off for good. Pretend you have no teeth at all; think "I am GUMBY dammit!".

A chat with Mr. Jagger

One of the magazines that host my "Ask Dr. Dot" Column here in Berlin thought it would

be a good idea if once in a while I would do a tiny interview with some of the stars I massage.

The EXBERLINER magazine is the English magazine for Berlin (Germany). I have been doing

my love advice column for them for 3 years now and this here below is my first interview. I would

never want to be journalist, it’s too much work, but I do like to write. I hope you like my first official

interview. Chris Jagger, Mick’s younger brother was flattered to be my first interview…so here it goes

***************************************************************************

Have you ever witnessed a Jagger experience? Allow me to share one with you.

It begins with the words "That Irish Pub you sent me to was Dead!”. Those were the first words Chris said to me as I sat down

 next to him at the  "square bar" (that took me ages to find as there are many "square bars" like the one

he kept describing) on the top floor of the Ka De We restaurant section. When Chris had called me early that afternoon,

he said he was near Hallescher Tor U Bahn (Subway station here in Berlin) and wanted to know where to get a quick snack

and perhaps to meet me for a drink.

 Chris and I in 1999 ^

I told him to go to the Emerald Isle, one of my watering holes. But by the time I was ready to leave my house, he had already

had a drink and was fed up with the place. He said he wanted to meet me at the "Kauf Haus" (Department store). I

was like "What Kaufhaus? There are hundreds of Kaufhause’s in Berlin ".

Ooooh, that one. KaDeWe (KaufhauseDesWesterns which is like Harrods or Macy’s).

After a greasy German style meal (greasy potatoes and eggs) and some shopping for lip stick for his wife

 (they have a few kids together)  I drove him around showing him some typical German places of interest. Café Klo (Novelty bar with a

twisted TOILET theme!)  for example (ha ha!). It was too loud to do my interview in there so we settled for his

hotel in Charlottenberg. The Hotel staff (along with the employees of KaDeWe and every where else we went,

all seem to take notice of Chris, almost like they think he could be Mick Jagger and/or they are amazed at his almost cocky

(but polite) self confidence.

The first time I met Chris was in 1997 when he was here with his band. They played in Kreuzberg  (hip part of Berlin)at a restaurant/bar.

I gave them all a rub down after their gig. That night I had a glimpse of the cons of being Mick Jaggers

younger brother. After their last song, a few fans approached Chris, hoping to get autographs, but on STONES ALBUMS!

 I shall never forget the look of disappointment and disgust on his face as he just politely turned and walked

away from the idiots.

Chris at a karaoke bar I dragged him to^

Since then, Chris and I have always kept in touch. He gets a back rub when he comes to town and even when I am not here,

my pals show him around. Chris hasn’ta vain bone in his body. He doesn’t dye his hair, brows, wear make up or designer

clothes. He is just a sweet guy, makes every one laugh and can play a mean guitar.

  It’s hard to describe his music, but I will give it a shot. Folk Rock, Bluegrass peppered with Rock and Roll.

Chris wears a vest made out of a steel washboard thingy and grinds something that seems to be a pic up and down it

while singing and playing harmonica. His band changes from time to time but there is always a stand up bass, boogie-woogie

 piano and guitar and if I remember correctly, someone was playing a jug. One would imagine it must suck being Mick Jagger’s younger

brother if you too are a natural born musician (Look at Dani Minogue, Ashley Simpson< crap!, Jimmy Vaughn (Stevie Ray’s brother),

 all musical siblings that have to always be mentioned in the same sentence of their older famous celebrity sibling).

I will assure you that  Chris sings better than Mick and I am not brown nosing. Anyone who saw the half time show of the

Super Bowl will tell you that Mick can still shake his ass and dance like wild fire but his voice is ‘kaput’.

Chris has a great voice and plays a mean guitar, so how come you never hear him on the radio? Why is he not bumping and grinding

on MTV? The same reason most good restaurants are not on  any beaten path, because word of mouth brings you to the best kept secrets.

Chris comes to Berlin fairly often and speaks pretty good German (with a very heavy, sexy English accent) and is not at all shy

about trying it out on any random German. So I ask him…..

 Dr. Dot:

What keeps you coming back to Berlin ?

Chris Jagger:

Have you seen the rest of ? (laughs out loud)

DD:

But why are you here this time? I haven’t seen any PR for any Chris Jagger

gigs lately..

CJ:

I am not only a musician Dot, I dabble in journalism and I am writing a short

travel piece for the Mail on Sunday (a very popular paper). I also write a

syndicated music column.

DD:

What other places have you written about for the Mail on Sunday?

CJ:

North west for example last summer. I stayed near the Nahanni National

Park and it was so gorgeous I wrote a song about it called "Goodbye Nahanni".

I played there with my band and played the song for the folks up there and

they loved it. Want to hear it?

* Chris picks up his old antique looking wooden acoustic guitar, tunes it for

a while then plays this song for me. It’s really beautiful, almost a tear

jerker.

 Chris playing his song "Nahanni River" for me *sigh*

DD:

What Genre would  say your music is?

CJ:

Handcrafted

DD:

When you sing, you sound so Southern, like you come from down South in the

States. What’s up with that?

CJ:

It stems from the relationship I have with my music and it could be genetic. A

 lot of Brits migrated South once they settled in the . I live in Somersett,

 West County in the and we are kind of Red Neck there too (laughs). The

original colonies were in South Carolina and it is the rhythm melting pot.

It’s where Africa met Europe and then there was the Carribean and French

influence which made a quiet interesting melange. Bollocks, I forgot the

question now (laughs).

DD:

Never mind. Any influences you can think of musically?

CJ:

If there are any, they are subliminal.But one that does come to mind are

Zydeco Bands. Google it if you want to know more.

DD:

How many albums have you put out?

CJ:

Two in all, both on the German record lable SPV. I am mainly into playing

live. You can see us play here in Berlin again in April, maybe May, the dates

are confirmed yet, but keep your eyes peeled.

 

Oh Mr. Jagger! Chris and I Feb 2006 at the KaDeWe in Berlin