"We’re caught in a trap I can’t walk out because I love you too much baby Why can’t you see What you’re doing to me When you don’t believe a word I say? We can’t go on together With suspicious minds… And we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds.."
It’s Elvis’s birthday today…. what an amazing man. I watched "Elvis by the Presley’s" a few times already, a really long documentary about Elvis by Priscilla and Lisa Marie, and you really get to know more about him then ever. You end up (or at least I did) feeling sorry for him, what with all the bad career choices the Kernel thrust upon him and all. You could see towards the end how miserable he was, having lost Priscilla thanks to his promiscuity and apathetic behavior. I highly recommend it, you can find it on line if you haven’t seen it yet.
Anyways, as you can tell I have not been blogging lately and there are a few good reasons for that. Me speaking my mind at the moment would only confuse you as it does me so I spare you the ‘misery loves company’ spiel and just post my column and stupid images, hoping you wouldn’t notice the lack of meat in my blogs. I imagine it must be like opening a fridge that usually has tasty exciting food in it, only to find junk food and bones from a left over turkey for you. Career-wise there isn’t much going on, as everyone seems to think they don’t need to work from Dec 10th to January 10th. My books are ready to be published but I still can’t find people serious about helping shop it around and get them published. I want to bring out a ‘How to give a massage’ dvd, which would sell like hot cakes (much better than books as you are the only one who still reads apart from the Harry Potter fans) but again, I can’t exactly set up a camera and direct and produce it on my own. Sting and several other stars have told me to my face they would LOVE to be part of the ‘How to massage’ dvd (as in, they lay there while I massage them, all the while explaining how you, the person at home on the couch, should do it best).
So fucking tired of waiting for these "deals" to come through, what the fuck?, I will be older than Dr. Ruth by the time my books and dvds come out and NO one wants to see Dr. Ruth give a massage now do they? And the biggest dilemma for me, is what country to live in, to move to, to stay in. Living two lives may sound exciting, exotic and entertaining to you, but it is exhausting and counter productive. As soon as I get things going again over here in Berlin, I go back to NYC and work full throttle at getting my career going again over there, you know, massage clients lining up at my door for a session, loads of rock star blogs and enticing business proposals cooking, I fly back to Berlin to see my gorgeous Jasmine. Then the NYC career kind of dies down (out of sight out of mind for the short attention span world of show-biz/massage clients) and of course when I arrive in Berlin there is NOTHING going on (ok, sometimes I am lucky and there are concerts the day I land etc, but not always). ESPECIALLY around the dreaded Christmas Holiday season (that’s exactly why I loathe the Holidays- that and the fact that everyone spends spends spends and has tremendous pressure forced upon them to buy, cook, shop, smile and spend time with relatives you normally never see).
Then there is the personal relationship drama of living two lives. When you live two lives in two different countries, your "friends" naturally move on. Of course they find new people to hang out with and they kind of move on. Almost a subconscious form of punishment for your abandoning them. You land and find that each time there fewer pals around, some are married some have moved away, some have died, some have changed so drastically that you wouldn’t even want to hang out with them again. See why I can’t blog right now? It’s just me whining and I find it disgusting. Millions of other people have it a thousand times worse, but since your own life is right up there in your face, you think of your life when you wake up, naturally. I am just sick of moving around.. Growing up I went to 15 different schools in 12 years (mostly in a different state each year) and then once out of school, as you know, I followed the Grateful Dead all over the place for about 3 years, then I moved to Germany and it’s been back and forth from Berlin to the USA pretty much ever since and I have had it. I want one life just like everyone else (well I know some have even more than I do) and then concentrate on that one place, one man, one career (but of course still many many bands).
I feel I am approaching a very drastic decision and unfortunately Libras take ages to make up their minds, but I feel a huge change coming on and the lead up to it is almost paralyzing. The fear of making the wrong decision is like being hit by a stun gun. I guess Petra’s death made me really sit down and look at my life. When you lose someone close to you it reminds you that we don’t live forever, that your time could come soon. So why stay in your situation if you are not completely happy. But then again, writing an agony column like I do, I know dam well that most people are not completely happy. The grass is indeed, always greener. Like Chris Rock says repeatedly in his live dvd "bigger and blacker" or is it "Never Scared"? anyways, he says "you’re either married and bored, or single and LONELY" which sounds rather jaded but he is right. So what is the fucking answer? Married with kids? Single and searching? Working or letting someone pay your bills? Staying in one place forever? Moving around constantly to avoid boredom? I have a girl friend from New Zealand, who I met while following the Dead back in 1986, her name is Liz. She must be about 55 now. She has been traveling for over 30 years non stop. She doesn’t live anywhere she is just traveling with what she has on her back. She never stays anywhere more than a month and she is far from rich. Naturally she has no health insurance or man in her life. She is just a roaming soul with a million stories to tell. She always finds odd jobs where ever she goes, earns some money and takes off again, always staying with one of her million friends she has made over the years. She always stays with me when she comes to Berlin and tells me of her adventures. She never misses a film festival and follows bands like the Dead, Phish, Dave Matthews Band,etc. which make it easy to sell things and earn. She would sell t-shirts, food, jewelry etc. I couldn’t live like anymore but it does make one feel tied down when a "no where man" crosses your path. She makes me feel stable, where as someone like Betsy up in Boston or my friend Andrea (who have both lived in the same place for about 20 years) make me feel like a scatter brainded mess.
Ok, I guess this somber mood is enhanced by the fact I am on the rag at the moment but you know I am not one for painting a pretty picture. I went to bed last night at 7:30 am and the ‘night’ before at 9:30am, so as you can see, I am up to my bad habits again. Thank heaven I am not into drink or drugs, I am just into Seinfeld at the moment, can’t get enough. I went to bed (as I was saying before ) thinking what do I need? I need a freakin MOM!!! I was thinking to myself, "is it too late to be adopted?" ok? So, send the shrinks asap. No really, it is her birthday tomorrow so I guess that brings this crap to mind. This is perhaps why I am leaning towards Berlin again as I don’t want to pass off this – ‘never having enough Mom’ feeling to Jasmine, because it sucks. (note: Being here in Berlin is sometimes a burden for Jasmine as she already has a full, busy life and having to schlep her things from her Dad’s place to mine and then to school really really pisses her off, which I can understand. She too longs for ONE life, not two). Any feed back about this situation, as in mine, would be gratefully appreciated. Just out of curiosity, what would you do in my shoes?
You just can’t buy a mom, you can’t rent one, there is only one Mom and if you don’t get enough of her when you are younger, you long for it forever and it doesn’t feel so hot. Being in NYC is fun and good for my career but Jasmine is here so I am torn. She will be 17 in June and so I am wondering, how long do they need the parent around? If I had a mom to ask, I would know. What a fucking cry baby I am. What do you expect from a January, Berlin blog? Happy Days? lol. Last night I saw Iris (Petra’s twin) and I massaged her for a couple hours then she invited me to her place (which used to be their place). I walked over and this would be the first time I was in Petra’s place since she died. I was wondering if Iris changed her room, packed her things etc. I walked into Petra’s room (this is where the girls and I were to watch Willy Wonka) and saw that Iris was lying where Petra used to lay and nothing in her room was changed.
It made me happy to see nothing had been touched but also sad and strange to be there without Petra. A couple other close gal pals were there and we all watched the film together on Petra’s hot pink fluffy bed that has Flintstones sheets and blankets. I could still smell Petra and feel her positive vibe in the room. Elvis memorabilia all over the place and all. At least she left a lovely sister behind to love, as when most die they are just gone, but having a twin to love makes it a bit easier to deal with the loss. Not sure if it’s wrong to feel that way but looking at Iris and talking to her makes me feel Petra is around.
By this point you are probably wishing I didn’t blog, but you can’t just have the good times blog you have to have the bad times blog too, it’s only fair. This coming Friday I may drive to Dresden (about two hours from here) to see Depeche Mode and of course I am bringing my massage table in case they want a rub down. Iris is driivng, it should be a fun road trip. I will keep you posted.
I went out Friday night to do karaoke at a rather new Irish bar here in Berlin called the Ceili House. My favorite karaoke DJ here in Berlin is Sheldon, an American dude from Indiana was working and he has a great collection and sound. Anyways, I was surprised to run into about 20 of Jasmines school mates (apparently this is their week end hang out). They are all around 16 & 17 years old. Jasmine wasn’t there though she was at some Ska concert. Her school mates watched me belt out some AC/DC and Led Zeppelin in awe. They were like "you’re such a cool mom!" lol. I was thinking, Jasmine’s gonna KILL ME!! lol! And when I told her about it, she was ‘not amused’ hee hee. I can’t help it if bars in Berlin allow 16 year olds to come in and drink (a few of them were blowing chunks out side as they drank too much too fast). That’s why young folks LOVE Berlin so much, they can drink and go out to any club they want, NO one ever asks what age they are as there are no rules. They all were smoking and drinking and flirting with the Irish bar staff (much older then they are) so now you don’t have to wonder why I can’t sleep at night. lol. You can’t forbid your 16 year old from going to pubs when they ALL go. They would just do it behind your back anyways. At least they aren’t drinking in the woods and then driving around like they do in the states (especially in the suburbs).
Anyhow, I have to get out of this schlump and knowing me, when I do I will come out swinging but just bear with me for a while, the blogs will get peppier as I do. Peace.