Last blog before I go to Europe…now with pictures ;)

In 12 hours I am flying to Europe again for two whole months. I will decide what I am doing next at that point. I spent most of the day today filming with a TV production company (won’t mention any names). They find me exciting and are thinking of doing a show with me, or even perhaps my own show. I have heard this all before so I won’t get excited about it now.

A woman named Jessie flew up from Houston to take the Dr. Dot test. In order to join my world wide team of Massage Assistants, you have to massage me to prove how good you are. I needed a body to massage today for the filming and so I massaged her. Then after that I was interviewed for ages, all the while Jessie was pumping the parking meter with quarters so I wouldn’t get a ticket. She was such a big help and so fun, we got along great. When the TV crew left, she massaged me and I was very impressed. When I told her "You’re hired" her eyes filled with tears of joy, it was so cute! I felt like Donald Trump for a minute. But just a minute. Then she and I went to the Hard Rock Cafe at Times Square. It is fairly new and I haven’t seen it yet. It was gorgeous, fun and tasty. Jessi and I found out we have a LOT in common. Not just the fact that we are both rock chicks who do massage for a living, but she is a mom and can burp really loud too (not nearly as loud as I can, let’s get that straight). She went to 16 different schools ( I went to 15 different schools), she does massage to make her feel calm and so do I. That is the only place I get to think without some distraction. Anyways, then we walked around in the pouring rain, taking pictures when it stopped for a bit. It started again and we nipped into a shop to buy two tacky, 99 cent plastic rain bonnets.

   < Jessie at Times Square

    ^ How fucking gorgeous. NYC through my sun roof (taken with one hand while driving lol!)

We finally got to Smiths, an Irish bar that has karaoke on Tuesday nights. With my favorite karaoke Dj in NYC, Sabrina running the show, I knew we would have a blast. Jonesy showed up and suddenly the unimportant karoake contest that was going on, got serious lol. In the end, Jonesy won and I was runner up (big fucking deal). Jessie sang the last song. She didn’t sing anything all night long, then suddenly she whips out this rap. A long rap that she made up. It was fucking hilarious. Everyone was like WTF?

 

   ^ Jonesy and Jessie ( wearing her rain bonnet)-   and then Jonesy again with yours truly  (Jonesy is one of my best friends)

 I had more fun then I thought down in Georgia. It was soooooooooooo nice to see my Dad and the rest of the family again. His house is so big and in a peaceful spacious, friendly neighborhood, it was wonderful. I even got up around 11am/Noon every day, which is much earlier then normal. I actually got out into the sunlight every day! It was warm and sunny the whole time. There were no family feuds at all, just fun. We all went out for karaoke the last night I was there and during my AC/DC number I said "wake the fuck up people!" to get them going (all red necks in there watching sports etc). After my song, an older man came up to me (had chewing tobacco in his mouth and a trucker hat on) and said "You’re a foul mouthed young lady!" . I said "GOOD!". Then when it was my time to sing again, I said, "yes, it’s me, the Yankee again. I am a foul mouthed young lady. I would wash it out with soap but I’m afraid of getting a yeast infection". Then I sang Proud Mary and brought the house down. My whole family was doing back up from their table singing "Rollin, Rollin" .

 

                             

  ^ Me singing "Proud Mary (Rollin’ Rollin’…)  and then the next day, hung over with my Dad, Chester. My Dad adopted me when I was one year old (he was only 17 years old, the same age as my Mom). He has shown me so much love and turned me onto Zappa, I owe him the world and more ūüôā

                                   < My favorite Niece, Melissa. She is 10 but has the mind of a clever 20 year old. She squeezed a few massages out of me, even though everyone else had only one. She LOVES massage and was helping with the oil and lotion, blankets etc, when I was massaging everyone else. She even helped do the 4 handed massage on my Dad and Aunt. She did their feet while I did their back. I think she will grow up and be the next Rock and Roll Dr.!. I think she looks like Angelina Jolie a bit, she is breath takingly beautiful and smart as hell. There is no stopping this girl, look out! ūüôā

I want to post pics of the whole Fam Damily but they are shy. Melissa is NOT shy, so there she is.

                                          

Figured out, slightly, how to use the new blog editor, took ages to post these pictures, but I had to share them, they were burning a hole in my pocket…. You would think that I would fall right into bed once I got to Berlin, but no, I had to go give a massage to a Sheik, part of the Royal Family of Saudi Arabia. Super wealthy, I think they rented out the whole Hotel. He told me about how the death penalty works over there. It is the reason there is hardly any crime over there. They still do the eye for an eye thing. If someone kills another they will be killed. If some one accidentally kills someone, it is up to the dead persons family if they are killed or not. The Saudis are Muslims and believe they will live eternally once they die if they did something good. So, sometimes others offer a few million to the relative of the dead person to "please, forgive them and let them live". What do they gain for that? They believe doing such a deed will ensure them eternal life once they die. In other words, they are trying to  buy good karma. He didn’t speak perfect English or German, but that is what I understood. It was a very interesting couple of hours for me (and hello, big tipper). He even showed me an execution video he took with his nokia cell phone. A man had his head chopped off for murder and all of the public got to see (they see every execution apparently). Now I will have pleasant dreams here in my freezing cold flat in Berlin. lol. Haven’t seen Jasmine yet, she is at another Protest. Always protesting Racism. That’s my girl.

Gotta sleep. xo

Ask Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

My boy friend hates to snuggle after sex, not even for a minute. During foreplay, he is really romantic and very touchy feely, which I love.  He says he loves me and it feels like he does when we have sex, but as soon as he climaxes, it’s like he can’t get away fast enough. I have asked him to stay and hold me but he just scoffs and breaks free. This makes me wonder if he really does love me or not. What’s a good way to get a guy to snuggle?

Cindy

Dear Cindy,

Sounds harsh but ‘Men snuggle to fuck and women fuck to snuggle’. Yes, this is a generalization, but reasonably accurate. Don’t take it personally, just try to make the pre-sex snuggle last as long as possible. You could say something like "darling, sometimes I don’t mind a quickie, but lets really savor this now". There is no point in trying to force someone to do something just for your sake; imagine how horrible it would feel if he started snuggling after sex just to shut you up? That would be worse then no snuggle at all, no? If that’s the only problem you have, consider yourself lucky.

Dr. Dot

Hey Dr. Dot,

the girl I’m dating keeps pressuring me to marry her. I love her and all, but we are both young (she is 27 and I am 29). I want to keep my options open (what if someone way better crosses my path?). We have been dating for a year and all is well, we get along fine and the sex is great, I don’t see a reason to change anything. How can I keep her and the situation the same?

Randy Ralf

Dear Ralf,

Ask her "show me 5 happily married couples that you (or we) know and I will think about it". I am sure she will have a hard time finding 5 happily married couples (I only know one – my Dad and Step-mom) and I know folks all over the world. If by chance she does whip out 5 happily married couples and is still pushing you, and you really don’t want to lose her, get engaged, which can go smooth for a year of more and see how it goes. It’s not the end of the world and you can always divorce if you both feel it was a mistake (word: prenup). Or, tell her that marriage is an old fashioned idea that hardly works in this day and age and 50% or more end in divorce. Women love to get married for security and to have a lovely party with a pretty dress and to show everyone how in love you both are. You could always just have a "We’re in love" celebration with the dress and all, without the paper work and justice of the peace. Never do anything against your will though. True love is hard to find so don’t count on "someone better" coming along, that is just a gamble.

Dear Dr. Dot,

I have been seeing this hot guy now for a month and sometimes I sleep over his house (and vice versa) and this sometimes turns into long weekends in bed. The only problem I have is I have no idea how to fart around him.  I mean, my bathroom is right next to the bed room and if I let one rip, he would surely hear it. By the end of the weekend, I feel like a floatation device from holding all that gas in. It gets so bad that I don’t even want to screw because I’m afraid all that poking and prodding inside me will push out all those saved up farts. I am serious about this, I know it sounds silly, but I am going crazy. How long does one have to wait to fart out loud around a lover? I mean, everyone farts right?

Gassy Gail

Dear Gassy Gail,

When can one play the fart card, good question. I suppose you have to wait until the premiere of the awkward "I love you" comes up. First get comfortable with the "Love" part, then once you are both in love and have admitted you are in love verbally, you can break wind. Men think that women don’t fart. They are always shocked when it happens for the first time. Pussy farts seem to go over without even an eyebrow being raised but just plain farting is for some reason a complete turn off (unless you are in West Virginia). You could try the one cheek sneak, but never on a flat surface (this only works on a pillow or soft fluffy sofa). Try having a radio in your bathroom (and bring it to his as well) to blast out some loud rock music (ac/dc perhaps) to play when you go to the toilet. Just let ‘er rip when the music is loud and no one gets hurt (carry a small spray bottle of perfume with you or a match). Avoid carbonated drinks, Indian food and any kind of beans when you know you will see him. If it happens, just laugh about it and blame the dog/cat/hamster or him if you have to. You could always make it fun by warning him with the ever popular "Pull my finger".

 Dr. Dot

ps. Went to Atlanta, had more fun then I thought I would. It was SO great to see my Dad again, he is the best. Love him!!! Since I leave Thursday for Europe, the pics from my trip will have to wait. WAY to much to do right now, sleep is a thing of the past.

Happy Thanksgiving

I decided to go to Atlanta to see my family. It would have cost an arm, a leg and probably one breast to change both of my plane tickets to go to Petra’s funeral. I cried 3 days straight and it was hell trying to cope with the fact I won’t be there. My wise friends, Betsy, Andrea, Martina, Lisa and my Aunt Nancy all told me when you’re in a different country, it is ok to miss a funeral. Petra knew I loved her and that is what matters. I would freak out at the funeral if I did go, I can’t just sit there and be normal, I would be hysterical like I was at my Mom’s funeral a few years ago. I am not good with funerals. I will visit her sister Iris as soon as I can and I have sent flowers to her and arranged a massage for her as well. I will do everything I can from my end. Today is the first day I haven’t cried. I am exhausted from that and no sleep.

The plane ride to Atlanta seemed like it took ages. I feel asleep and the fucking air host (steward) kept waking me to ask if I wanted something to drink. I was like "uh, no" . I thought the closed eyes, drool and puffy blow up pillow around my neck were all clear signs that I was asleep. what an idiot. Anyhow, my Aunt Nancy (my Dad’s brother) picked me up, it was great to see her.She is not much older than I am and loves Janis Joplin. This family all has a hippie heart. ¬†My Dad, Chester Harvey Leckner the 3rd adopted me when I was 1 yr. old, so he is n fact, my Dad. He is so fucking cool. He is the one who turned me onto Zappa, in fact, he raised me on Zappa.¬†He and my step mom Allyson (who was born in Iowa) have been married for 25 years now. They are proof that true love does exist and marriage can work. I think they are the only happily married, insanely in love, couple I know.

Tomorrow will be a huge eating festival, everyone eats, eats, eats, it’s crazy. All of America will be stuffed, bloated and tired from too much food. A nice meal with loved ones is fun, but the over indulging is so bizarre, I just don’t get this Holiday. It’s all too much food. I wonder if Thanksgiving is what makes the rest of the world loathe Americans so much. I mean the over indulgence of food, eating till it hurts, while loads of people are starving all around the globe, it’s kind of makes you wonder. My English ‘friend’ asked me what Thanksgiving was all about. I was like, you Brits started it, you came over on the Mayflower, had a big meal with the Indians, said "thanks" and started killing them off soon after. He was like "WOT?" lol..

Anyhow, I head back to NYC on Sunday, until then I will enjoy being around my family as much as I can. Jasmine is in Berlin, they don’t really celebrate Turkey Day over there, so she won’t even know it’s going on really. She got so bored the last few times I brought her to Georgia, she was like "NO WAY!" when I asked her if she wanted to come. lol. Anyhow, thanks to all the support I have gotten in the last few days, I am slowly being able to smile again , somehow feeling guilty for laughing/smiling. Feeling like "how dare you smile/laugh when you just lost a best friend?". Self loathing is easy in these situations. I found a picture toady on-line and wanted to share it with you. You can self loathe, or you can make yourself happy. It works both ways:

                                                                           

Happy Thanksgiving

I decided to go to Atlanta to see my family. It would have cost an arm, a leg and probably one breast to change both of my plane tickets to go to Petra’s funeral. I cried 3 days straight and it was hell trying to cope with the fact I won’t be there. My wise friends, Betsy, Andrea, Martina, Lisa and my Aunt Nancy all told me when you’re in a different country, it is ok to miss a funeral. Petra knew I loved her and that is what matters. I would freak out at the funeral if I did go, I can’t just sit there and be normal, I would be hysterical like I was at my Mom’s funeral a few years ago. I am not good with funerals. I will visit her sister Iris as soon as I can and I have sent flowers to her and arranged a massage for her as well. I will do everything I can from my end. Today is the first day I haven’t cried. I am exhausted from that and no sleep.

The plane ride to Atlanta seemed like it took ages. I feel asleep and the fucking air host (steward) kept waking me to ask if I wanted something to drink. I was like “uh, no” . I thought the closed eyes, drool and puffy blow up pillow around my neck were all clear signs that I was asleep. what an idiot. Anyhow, my Aunt Nancy (my Dad’s brother) picked me up, it was great to see her.She is not much older than I am and loves Janis Joplin. This family all has a hippie heart. ¬†My Dad, Chester Harvey Leckner the 3rd adopted me when I was 1 yr. old, so he is n fact, my Dad. He is so fucking cool. He is the one who turned me onto Zappa, in fact, he raised me on Zappa.¬†He and my step mom Allyson (who was born in Iowa) have been married for 25 years now. They are proof that true love does exist and marriage can work. I think they are the only happily married, insanely in love, couple I know.

Tomorrow will be a huge eating festival, everyone eats, eats, eats, it’s crazy. All of America will be stuffed, bloated and tired from too much food. A nice meal with loved ones is fun, but the over indulging is so bizarre, I just don’t get this Holiday. It’s all too much food. I wonder if Thanksgiving is what makes the rest of the world loathe Americans so much. I mean the over indulgence of food, eating till it hurts, while loads of people are starving all around the globe, it’s kind of makes you wonder. My English ‘friend’ asked me what Thanksgiving was all about. I was like, you Brits started it, you came over on the Mayflower, had a big meal with the Indians, said “thanks” and started killing them off soon after. He was like “WOT?” lol..

Anyhow, I head back to NYC on Sunday, until then I will enjoy being around my family as much as I can. Jasmine is in Berlin, they don’t really celebrate Turkey Day over there, so she won’t even know it’s going on really. She got so bored the last few times I brought her to Georgia, she was like “NO WAY!” when I asked her if she wanted to come. lol. Anyhow, thanks to all the support I have gotten in the last few days, I am slowly being able to smile again , somehow feeling guilty for laughing/smiling. Feeling like “how dare you smile/laugh when you just lost a best friend?”. Self loathing is easy in these situations. I found a picture toady on-line and wanted to share it with you. You can self loathe, or you can make yourself happy. It works both ways:

                                                                           

Passing of Petra…sad sad blog

It is with tears in my eyes (and all over the keyboards) that I write the words, my dear friend Petra lost her fight with cancer last night

    

                         ^ Petra                                          Iris and Petra  ^                  

^ Petra                           ^ Billy (Smashing Pumpkins)      & Me

                                                     

                                                                                  ^ us two with Manny (ex Stone Roses)

  

    ^ Iris   and Petra                                             ^ Happy times.. Petra and I out in Berlin

I am brutally beating myself up mentally because I wasn't there for her at her bedside. The last time I saw her was October 28th, the day before I left back to the USA. I went to her house and saw her and her twin sister, Iris. I gave them their belated birthday presents and I gave Petra a massage. She was really ill and when I said good bye I burst out in tears, as I knew in my heart there was a chance I would never see her again. Fuck! Life is short, show the people you love how much you love them, don't wait.

Petra was a Libra, a sweet, caring fun person. An optimist, never saying anything negative about anyone,ever. She lived life to the fullest, even up to the end. I want to post some things below, images of things she loved, things she had pictures of in her cool, hot pink and red bed room. She had a red shag carpet, hot pink furniture and heart shaped lights all around, pink curtains and a fuzzy red chair, her room screamed Rockabilly. Here are some of Petra's favorite things, Heaven has just inherited a new Angel … ūüôĀ

  Petra LOVED ELVIS and the Beatles too

                                                            

And oooh how she loved Sex and the city! We watched it together many a nights..

 

                                                                                                                             ^ Petra has tons of these

   <  Petra loved the Lord of the Rings books and films and wore one of those rings

^ Petra knew Johnny really well, but never bragged. She adored him, says he is super kind and fun.

Going to bed now, will rub my puffy eyes to sleep. Now I am faced with another decision, go to Atlanta on Wednesday to see my family as planned

and then fly to Berlin on Dec 1st or change it all around and go to Berlin now. Not sure when the funeral is yet, I hear it can take weeks in Germany.

All I know is Death don't no mercy…

"Well now death don't have no mercy in this land
He'll come to your house and he won't stay long
Look 'round the room one of your family will be gone
Death don't have no mercy in this land"   Hot Tuna

Petra Hammerer, gone but not forgotten…

                                                     

Tsunami-Surviving Baby Hippo Adopts Tortoise as Mom

                               

                                Tsunami-Surviving Baby Hippo Adopts Tortoise as Mom

¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† (and they are still together, probably will be for life. Friends ūüôā

                                

Project Object

Project Object is still on tour and last Friday and Saturday night they played to¬†a sold out crowd at a club called Coda (on 34th street in NYC). It isn’t adequate to say they are a Frank Zappa tribute band, they are oh so much more. Andre’ is the leader of the band, filling Frank’s shoes (well, he would never say that, but I am saying it, he took over Franks position in the band line up). Ike Willis is still singing and then there is Napoleon Murphy Brock (who is about 70 years old now) plays horns, sings and dances up a storm the whole time. Project Object is a meeting place for Franks old musicians, different musicians from Franks past line ups join when they can and well, it’s the next best thing to seeing Frank Zappa in concert. The whole crowd is full of familiar faces, old and young Zappa fans a like and then of course, hard core Project Object fans who follow them around from show to show (like I used to do for Frank).

  ^ Ike celebrated his 50th b-day on Sat. night!                                             

         ^ Napoleon                                                                                   ^ Napoloen and Ike

 < Andre' and I in April 2005

^ I took this shot from the stairs from behind the band (sorry, still haven’t gotten a new camera)

                                              

(Above pics) Going out on an empty stomache and pounding two margaritas = blank stare. “And here comes the water”- me after the “Wet T-shirt night” song (Ike tosses water on me as I play “Mary”). If you don’t have Zappa’s “Joe’s Garage” cd,¬†go get it, it’s the bomb and all about the ups and downs of the world of rock and roll, from groupies to disease, titties, beer…ah, you just gotta here it to believe it.

What I really enjoyed seeing was the young fans that were up near the stage, they knew EVERY word to every ZAPPA tune. I watched them a bit and it was so great seeing them sing every song. I love it that Franks music and lyrics are being taught, handed down to each generation. If someone takes the time to get you into Zappa, it means they care about you. If you “don’t get it” then you weren’t meant to, move on.

I should have taken the wet t-shirt off right away but I didn’t, I was too busy talking to people in the crowd and I stepped outside for¬†a few minutes to get some fresh air and I am sure that’s how I caught a tiny cold. Since Friday¬†I have basically been down, just taking it easy, saying “NO” to going out to play (karaoke). Sunday rolled around and Rachel, my LA based Massage assistant was in town visiting friends and she and I met up, of all places, in Starbucks to chat and she massaged me for a while in Starbucks (nothing shocks folks in this area). She had my feet up in her lap and then did my shoulders as well. We get along great, and oh how I love her hands.

           

^ Rachel with my foot in Starbucks                               ^ US (getting kicked out of Starbucks)

We stayed in there so long, they were trying to close and they were like, “Ladies, get your clothes on and move it on out, we’re trying to CLOSE (aka Get a ROOM!) lol!

I am coming to a crossroad in my life, some big change may occur soon, I may move back to Europe forever, for a few years, for a few months, not sure yet. I do LOVE NYC, but there are special people in my life who need me, Jasmine being number one on that list (well, she claims she doesn’t need me but who else will do her brows and toe nails?) and Petra is really really ill. I will go to Berlin Dec 1st and stay in over there for 2 months and at the end of the 2 months I will come back to NYC and either grab the rest of my stuff and return or vice versa, it could go either way. For one thing I really want to get rid of tons of STUFF. I loathe owning things now, I want to get rid of my precious Rolling Stones album collection (almost 200 lps, all MINT condition), tons of clothes that are waaay too diva for me now, etc, I just hate having shit, it weighs you down. Maybe I will have a yard sale, if only I had a yard.

Ask Dr. Dot

Dr. Dot,
my man keeps complaining that our sex life is getting boring. It worries me
that he will start sniffin around. I know that he has been going to strip
clubs and that is not good. I am willing to try anything to get him hot again;
rock his world. I have tried renting porn for us and wearing sexy undies, what
else can I do?
Fran

Dear Fran,
It’s like a full time job coming up with new ideas on how to entertain the boy
friend, but oh so fun .They go to strip clubs because these girls play. They
love to play. Next time you know he is coming over/home and you have the place
to yourselves, get a mirror, prop it up against a wall. When he comes in, tell
him to sit in a stool near the mirror with his pants off. Once you are naked,
kneel on down and blow him like he has never been blown before, while he
watches your pussy in the mirror (make sure the lighting is nice and he has a
great view). If you want to get creative, you can insert your fingers inside
yourself or your favorite dildo, all so he can watch while you suck on him.
This will make him melt. Men love mirrors and new ideas, get busy and
creative, it all leads to fun, which he should be getting at home, not in
clubs.
Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I’ll do the best I can to keep this short and to the point but it’s
complicated.

The situation is I’ve been married almost 10 years. I love my wife dearly (and
she loves me), but her sex drive is gone, and I mean GONE. In the beginning we
had sex constantly, but now it’s become “pity sex” on her end of things, and
only has sex when she can tell I can’t take it any longer (sometimes months at
a
time of nothing).

She’s 42 and I’m 36. When we met she got pregnant 8 months later. We now have 8
year old and a 6 year old daughter. Everything was great until she got pregnant
the second time. I almost had an affair during this pregnancy we were so
distant
with each other.

Since then it has been years of up and down. She has gotten so pissed of at my
Sexual needs she has actually told me to go fuck other women, just don’t tell
her
about it. She months later admitted she didn’t really mean it, but nothing
improves
We’ve tried marriage counseling and I’ve tried everything on the planet to get
her in the mood!
She has TONS of excuses to make me feel like I’m being way too demanding
wanting sex
all the time, but it’s not like I’m mentally deciding to torment her with
this. I
just have raging hormones, more than I did when I was a teenager! She doesn’t
kiss (never really did) never instigates anything, is boring in bed and only
goes beyond quickly sex if I demand it. Sex is now usually with her on her side
and coming in from the real (spooning) so it’s less work for her. I usually
masturbate once a day to relieve my hormones demands and to take the pressure
off us.

Conversations lately have turned to divorce as she feels she just isn’t the
person for me despite how much we love each other. I’ve even talked about
extreme measures like annulling the marriage to take that “pressure” off
things,
but she has balked at that and says if we do that then she’d rather just leave.

This all just seems so fucked up, and I’m running out of hope. I love my wife
and children and do NOT want a divorce, so how can I either get my hormones
under control or help her get her’s back? I think we are both on an extreme end
of the spectrum and we both need some help getting back to a middle ground.
I’ve
heard Ecstasy is prescribed by marriage counselors to allow people to open up.
Perhaps something like this may allow us to get in touch with each other again?
The one time I took it recreationally, it seems like it could have that effect.

I’ll try anything and listen to any advice at this point! You really seem to
have your shit together about relationships and sex, so I would really value
your advice.

Raging Mike

Dear Mike,
believe it or not, your letter is a standard letter, sadly. I get tons of
these from frustrated husbands, who are starved from sex and only get the
occasional ’60 second spoon fuck’ to shut them up. People seldom say things
they don’t mean, at least a little. She told you the answer, “go fuck other
women”, just be super discreet about it. Finding out would hurt her, that’s why
she said “I didn’t really mean that”.
I am sure I will get a fair amount of hate mail from the ladies after this,
but you have no choice really but to shag around. (Think of it as just
exercising with other women. Taking “Ecstasy” is not the answer, drugs never
are. I am sure everyone is aware of the fact, that most men cheat, it’s in
their nature, nothing anyone can do about it. Everyone has their own
definition of cheating. Being
true to the heart but cheating physically seems to be the most harmless
definition. You’ve tried everything; it’s
either have a lover or divorce. If you divorce, chances are, sooner or later,
your new lover may grow tired of screwing you as well, so why not have the
best of both worlds? Try your hardest at not getting caught, as it, never give
out your phone number or address and be up front about it to your lover “This
is just fun and I mean that”. Avoid needy, clingy single women (think ‘Fatal
Attraction’).Life is too short to miss out on sex. Most importantly, one must
be true to themselves and if you are a horn dog, then be one and be proud
about it, just be clever and try not hurt anyone.
Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

I moved to the USA from Wales a few months ago to be with my American girlfriend. We are really into each other, I love her a lot. We have one problem (doesn’t every couple?), I am uncircumcised, as are all Europeans, and she keeps begging me to get snipped. She says “all American guys are cut; it will much better if you do it too”. She is putting pressure on me and I am afraid if I don’t do it, she may dump me for a clean cut man. Does this operation hurt? What are the pros and cons? I really like my willy just the way it is, but I am whipped.

Sean Cockery

Dear Sean,

85% of the men are uncut, just as nature intended. Long ago,¬† somewhere in the USA someone thought boys are too lazy to push back the skin on their¬†cock to clean it, so it’s best to save them the trouble and just cut it off at birth. I am sure this hurts beyond belief and can’t believe people are still ignorant enough to do that to their new born baby boy. Would your girlfriend make her tits bigger/smaller if you asked her to? I doubt it. Changing for anyone is always a bad idea, unless it means quitting a bad habit like smoking or drinking too much. Altering one’s body for another is ludicrous. Tell her “as is” and if she doesn’t like it, she can find one of the 15% of cut men for her date. On a personal note, I prefer men uncut, in their natural state, the full Monty.

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

I love your column! I took your advice and have started to swallow my mans tide to make him happy, but I choke on it every time and end up spitting it out, which makes him even more pissed off than he was when I wouldn’t swallow it in the first place. I am trying but can’t seem to get it all down. How the hell do you do that?

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

When you feel him about to shoot his load, aim it towards the side of your mouth and save it like a Gerbil saves his nuts and take tiny sips; just swallow a tiny bit at a time. Trying to swallow it all at once would make most people gag. Try not to have it aim towards the back of your throat, that is asking for trouble. If he asks why is it taking you so long to swallow, tell him you are savoring it, like a fine wine.

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

I fucked a guy on the first date and now I am wondering if it could ever last. We were both so excited and a bit drunk, we couldn’t resist, but now I think I really like him, how can turn what was supposed to be a one night stand into love? I really want this guy!

Pamela

Dear Pamela,

What will be, will be. As old fashioned as it sounds, it still holds true: sleeping with a guy on the first date will discredit you a bit. Thing is, the longer you make him wait, the more he’ll trust you. If he has to wait months to get you into bed, he will trust that when you go out on the town with your friends, nothing naughty will happen. If you shagged on the first date, he may be thinking (even if it is subconsciously) that you could do the same when he isn’t around. In other words, if it was easy for him to fuck you, it could be easy for other guys too. Try not drinking around him for the next few dates and show him that the alcohol was partly to blame for your “easy” behavior. If the guy is into you, he will keep after you, if he isn’t you will know about it. Let him lead the way, don’t try to make things better by chasing him or showing extra amounts of attention/love, or¬†worst of all,¬†apologizing, ¬†just ‘BE’.

 Dr D.

Dear Dr. Dot,

I am taking an acting class and there is this HOT Latino chick who sits across from me and I am so into her, I spank my monkey almost nightly thinking about her. She has a BIG diamond ring on her finger, I am sure she is taken, not sure if she is married or engaged, but taken. Do you think married chicks fuck around? How could I find out? I have to fuck this girl or I will die. I would walk 10 miles on broken glass to use her shit as toothpaste, ok? Help me out!

Jimmy Jones

Dear Jimmy,

Of course taken girls fuck around. You would just have to give her a dam good reason to.¬†If she has a big rock, chances are she may think “if you can offer me a bigger rock/cock I might” but she may not want to risk losing her man. There is only one way to find out and that’s to ask her in a clever way.¬†Just as married men tell women “well, yes, I am married, but we are heading towards divorce” or the ever popular “My wife hasn’t fucked me in years, please save me”, taken women also will let you know how faithful they are. Try this one “wow, what an amazing ring, you must be madly in love huh?” or “how long have you been happily married?”. Both of those questions will get you the answer you are looking for. If she says “yes, I am madly in love” then your answer is NO WAY FUCK FACE. If she says “well, I love the ring, but my man ignores me/is dead/is in jail/hates me” then BINGO, you have your invitation. May I rot in hell for helping people cheat.

Dr. Dot