Dear Dr. Dot,
I have been single for about a year now but most of my friends are male. I
finally got a date and told one of my best guy pals, and he flipped out on me
telling me he is annoyed and basically treated me terribly, ending the
conversation with a sarcastic “HAVE A NICE DINNER!!!!” What does this mean??
Is he secretly in love with me?? And if so, why do male friends wait till we get
a simple date before they decide to react? …By that time it’s too late.
I know many men who are secretly lusting after/in love with their best gal pal. It is kinda hard for men and women to be just friends without any sexual tension or jealousy when a member of the opposite sex comes into the picture. If the guy friend shows jealousy or discomfort at all, it shows he was indeed waiting around for your friendship to turn into something more, be it just sex or love. So the good news is, you had a secret admirer all along, bad news is, he didn’t have the balls to act on it. Guy pals are often writing me and asking me how to take it further and I just tell them to go for it, what will be, will be. If they don’t act at all and lash out on you when you get a date, it shows his lack of confidence and it shows his nasty side, both of which are a turn off. The dating game is also a survival of the fittest situation, and if you snooze, you loose. It is all up to your moody guy pal to apologize and up to you if you want to continue the charade. You can’t help it if you are irresistible.
Dear Dr. Dot,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and finally agreed to tie the knot in Spain. All of his family and mine met there for the expensive, exclusive event. The night before the wedding, I found myself alone with his Blackberry in our hotel room. I couldn’t help but see the names ‘Hannah’ , ‘Anna’ and 3 other girl names on the main screen, as in, he had written to them that day, fresh mail. I read them all and broke down in tears to read the naughty things he wrote to each one, like “I hope you miss my love tool” etc, things that pointed to him having affairs with all of these women. He is very good looking and wealthy (and only 38), but then again so am I. I confronted him, he denied it in vain and finally admitted to the affairs. I made him write to each one telling them it is over and he is now a married, loyal man. We went through with the wedding, as I felt pressure, everyone was there and I believed his tears of regret, but I can barely eat since then and feel betrayed and livid, but still love him. I will be grateful for any words of wisdom.
Most women would have stood at the altar and said “No, I do NOT take this man, as he is a cheating asshole”, but you took the other route. There are 3 ways to deal with this situation in my opinion. First, become apathetic about his affairs, turn the blind eye to his physical escapes with other women, after all, he chose you to marry, so he must love you. He has sex with other women; this doesn’t mean he loves them. You have to be pretty strong to use this method, the “I don’t care what or who you do when we are not together, just make sure you treat me rite!” But you really have to stick to the “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude, which is hard if you really love someone. Second, forgive him and start over, but you may turn into a mistrusting, paranoid, insecure nag: “what took you so long to get home, who were you with?” this is exhausting and will age you fast. Third, just turn around and walk away. Keep your self-respect and esteem while they are still in tact. If it was just one woman, it would be a tad easier, but your guy seems to be a Johnny Apple seed type, hard to tame such a man. Sometimes forgiving a cheater gives you the upper hand. Look at Kobe Bryant’s wife. It may boil down to finding out what is more important to you, having the upper hand, or a man you can really trust.