Dear Fellow New Yorkers!
Summer seems to be passing by rather quickly – it’s August already.
Frankly, I can’t wait for fall – and here’s why: Those goddamn tourists!
Those of you especially who work in midtown or within the vicinity of any
tourist destination know what I mean when I propose that the following “NYC
Rules of Tourism” be handed to every yokel who sets foot on the island of
Manhattan:
NYC Rules of Tourism
It has been called to the attention of the NY Tourism Authority that rules
need to be implemented in order to protect tourists from NY natives. If you
follow the following guidelines you will enjoy your stay in NY, and you will
remain alive.
1) WALKING
It has become painfully obvious that as a tourist, walking somehow escapes
you. Your entire family/school/group needn’t walk at a snail’s pace in a
skirmish line, thereby effectively blocking anyone else’s passage. This
makes New Yorkers extremely unpleasant. “Move, you fuck!” is not a standard
complimentary greeting, but you should expect to hear it often. NY Law now
allows its natives to eat the youngest child in your group if you are found
in violation of this law.
2) SUBWAY
We know. You don’t have these new-fangled train systems in Alabama. If it’s
not a Ford F150, you are totally confused. However, you must be aware of the
following procedures when riding the subway, otherwise you could find
yourself checked into the Rain-Man Suite of the Hotel Smackdown. Escalators
– Yes, they are stairs and yes they move. It’s called technology. However,
it’s not Disney World or Opryland. You must stand on the right and walk on
the left. Standing on the left could result in serious bodily injury. You
don’t belong there. Your children don’t belong there. Your smell-hound Geech
(unless he is a seeing-eye smellhound) does not belong there. Walk on the
left. NY Law now allows residents to eliminate tourists by any means
necessary in order to keep the left moving. When you reach the top/bottom of
the escalator, MOVE! Don’t debate where the Empire State Building is. Don’t
decide to do a headcount. Since the stairs move, chances are that people
will be behind you. Platforms – Generally when the doors open on a train,
people are going to get off. It’s not an invitation to weasel on for that
choice seat near the map(don’t worry, we’ll get to the map.)NY residents are
allowed to push you and all your children onto the tracks for violating this
one. Subway Cars – The pole is not the one you dance on at the nudie bar
back in your white trash trailer existence at home. Don’t hug it, lick it or
hump it. Other people may want to use it for holding on. You can be legally
groped if you are humping the pole. Maps – The trains are color-coded. It’s
not rocket science. No matter how many times you look at the map, you cannot
change the direction of the train. Look once, maybe ask someone. But don’t
stay there staring at the map for 8 hours. The Law currently allows NY
natives to pee on map gawkers. Your Two Cents – No one asked you to butt
into a conversation. So don’t. Your children’s eyes can be removed legally
for this offense. Also staring and smiling. Don’t do it, or someone is
allowed to pop a cap in your ass.
3) EXTERNAL BEHAVIOR
Lunch – NY natives have the uncanny knack of going out between the hours of
12 and 2 PM on weekdays and buying themselves some food for consumption.
Yes, we know its a whole lot to ask since you must be so hungry from doing
nothing all day, but BRING YOUR OWN FUCKING LUNCH! Nothing is more
disheartening than standing in line at your favorite lunch place while 50
foul-mouthed urchins debate pepperoni vs. regular/thin vs. thick crust. NY
law allows natives to disembowel tourists if the lines are too long. Dinner
– “Hey this bar looks good. Let’s bring all of our children to this
authentic NY watering hole. It’s smoky and full of New Yorkers blowing off
steam from a hard day. There are college kids everywhere attempting to get
into each others’ pants.” So of course, there is no better place for your
children and you to get a bite. Stick to Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock. We
don’t go there, so don’t go into our bars. NY Law forces violating tourists
to pay everyone else’s bar tab for the remainder of the night. Hope you
brought your AMEX.
4) DRESS CODE
We had no choice but to implement a dress code in NY. You people are just
too nasty. Do you watch what your children are wearing? If your daughter
is 14 and weighs 200 lbs, chances are she should not be wearing a cut-off
T-shirt and pants so tight her gut has a gut. Stupid hats, visors,
sunglasses and those shirts that your entire group has made just for this
trip must be left at your hotels. People who violate the dress code of the
district, which just requests that you dress reasonably, will be deported.
(shout out to Joanne for the joke)
