Atom heart Mother

The full moon has been making me wild. Yesterday, I spotted a stray dog (as usual) and stalked him with the local police on my cell. They take too long and the black female Shepard type stray was way too fast for them. I ran after her in 100 degree weather for about 30 minutes   Running    until a cop car arrived. He was slow as HELL and so I had to chase her around from street to street, keeping track of her. 

Every time she ran down a one way street, the cop had to go around, everytime losing her. Another cop car came and he was just as useless, so I continued running after her with a huge back pack on my back and cell up to my ear chatting to the police dispatcher. Where are “Animal Cops” when you need them?

After a full hour of chasing her a, guy on a bike (who had one tooth) joined us and it was a giant event trying to corner this clever dog. She would sometimes run out in front of cars, almost getting hit every time, which made us all shriek “NO!”. It was hell.

Finally, she was caught and taken to the station; hopefully she will be cleaned up and adopted.

Today, the UPS man rang my bell (and usually I look hot when he comes) this time I was in a Beatles t-shirt, facial mask on and peach underwear on, just not “together” know what I mean? I ran down to him and accepted the package which I did not expect and gave him 2 $1.00 bills (or so I thought) as a tip.

Minutes later, my door bell rings again, HIM AGAIN. I was like “what is it now?” through the intercom. He said I gave him too much money. HUH? Do they still make you? I wondered.

I ran back down the stairs, and he said I handed him a one dollar bill and a one HUNDRED dollar bill last time. Hello, what fucking planet am I on? I just go handing out one hundred dollar bills to random, sweaty UPS men? He probably thought I was trying to get him into my flat for a “favor” with that much of a tip.

I can’t BELIEVE he was so honest! Amazing. Anyways, I gave him a few more dollars as a ‘thank you’ and an ice cream to take with him (it is still 100 degrees out here!).

The mystery package is a copy of a new book I am in. It is called “The experts guide to 100 things Everyone should know how to do”  (click on the book title to read more about it).

 A very smart woman named Samantha Ettus put this book together. Each Expert in the book has their own chapter, mine is called “How to give a Massage” and Donald Trump’s chapter is how to “Negotiate” and Larry King’s is how to “Listen” and Mrs. Fields is how to  “Bake the perfect Cookie” etc. Check this out:

On her how-to list
Daily News Rush & Molloy, June 1, 2003

If you’re the top expert in your field, Samantha Ettus wants you. Know-it-alls from Donald Trump to Bob Vila have agreed to reveal the secrets of their trades for the well-known talent manager’s Random House book, “ The Experts’ Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do .”

Cosmetics mogul Bobbi Brown will reveal makeup secrets, Chef Bobby Flay will detail the best way to grill, Eastman Kodak Chairman and CEO Dan Carp will tell how to take a picture, and so on.’

I am really proud to be in this book, and can hardly wait for the VIP Book release party here in the city on Sept. 23rd. Larry King and Donald Trump will be there, but best of all, FREE FOOD.   

 Chocolate Bunny  

 “New York, NY – Thursday, September 23 @ 6:30 – 9:30 pm
The Experts Guide book party
Hosted by Frederic Fekkai, Andrew Firestone, Katie Ford,
Nan Kempner, Larry King and Ronald Winston By Invitation Only “


 

I won’t even comment on Mr. Bush begging for votes in the city this week, as it is too aggravating. Instead, I will quote one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs:

If

If I were a swan
I’d be gone
If I were a train
I’d be late
And if I were a good man
I’d talk with you more often than I do

If I were to sleep
I could dream
If I were afraid
I could hide
If I go insane
Please don’t put your wires in my brain

If I were the moon
I’d be cool
If I were a rule
I would bend
If I were a good man
I’d understand the spaces between friends

If I were alone
I would cry
And if I were with you
I’d be home and dry
And if I go insane
Will you still let me join in with the game?

If I were a swan
I’d be gone
If I were a train
I’d be late again
If I were a good man
I’d talk with you more often than I do

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