Monthly Archives: August 2004

Atom heart Mother

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The full moon has been making me wild. Yesterday, I spotted a stray dog (as usual) and stalked him with the local police on my cell. They take too long and the black female Shepard type stray was way too fast for them. I ran after her in 100 degree weather for about 30 minutes   Running    until a cop car arrived. He was slow as HELL and so I had to chase her around from street to street, keeping track of her. 

Every time she ran down a one way street, the cop had to go around, everytime losing her. Another cop car came and he was just as useless, so I continued running after her with a huge back pack on my back and cell up to my ear chatting to the police dispatcher. Where are “Animal Cops” when you need them?

After a full hour of chasing her a, guy on a bike (who had one tooth) joined us and it was a giant event trying to corner this clever dog. She would sometimes run out in front of cars, almost getting hit every time, which made us all shriek “NO!”. It was hell.

Finally, she was caught and taken to the station; hopefully she will be cleaned up and adopted.

Today, the UPS man rang my bell (and usually I look hot when he comes) this time I was in a Beatles t-shirt, facial mask on and peach underwear on, just not “together” know what I mean? I ran down to him and accepted the package which I did not expect and gave him 2 $1.00 bills (or so I thought) as a tip.

Minutes later, my door bell rings again, HIM AGAIN. I was like “what is it now?” through the intercom. He said I gave him too much money. HUH? Do they still make you? I wondered.

I ran back down the stairs, and he said I handed him a one dollar bill and a one HUNDRED dollar bill last time. Hello, what fucking planet am I on? I just go handing out one hundred dollar bills to random, sweaty UPS men? He probably thought I was trying to get him into my flat for a “favor” with that much of a tip.

I can’t BELIEVE he was so honest! Amazing. Anyways, I gave him a few more dollars as a ‘thank you’ and an ice cream to take with him (it is still 100 degrees out here!).

The mystery package is a copy of a new book I am in. It is called “The experts guide to 100 things Everyone should know how to do”  (click on the book title to read more about it).

 A very smart woman named Samantha Ettus put this book together. Each Expert in the book has their own chapter, mine is called “How to give a Massage” and Donald Trump’s chapter is how to “Negotiate” and Larry King’s is how to “Listen” and Mrs. Fields is how to  “Bake the perfect Cookie” etc. Check this out:

‘On her how-to list
Daily News Rush & Molloy, June 1, 2003

If you’re the top expert in your field, Samantha Ettus wants you. Know-it-alls from Donald Trump to Bob Vila have agreed to reveal the secrets of their trades for the well-known talent manager’s Random House book, “ The Experts’ Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do .”

Cosmetics mogul Bobbi Brown will reveal makeup secrets, Chef Bobby Flay will detail the best way to grill, Eastman Kodak Chairman and CEO Dan Carp will tell how to take a picture, and so on.’

I am really proud to be in this book, and can hardly wait for the VIP Book release party here in the city on Sept. 23rd. Larry King and Donald Trump will be there, but best of all, FREE FOOD.   

 Chocolate Bunny  

 “New York, NY – Thursday, September 23 @ 6:30 – 9:30 pm
The Experts Guide book party
Hosted by Frederic Fekkai, Andrew Firestone, Katie Ford,
Nan Kempner, Larry King and Ronald Winston By Invitation Only “

 

I won’t even comment on Mr. Bush begging for votes in the city this week, as it is too aggravating. Instead, I will quote one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs:

If

If I were a swan
I’d be gone
If I were a train
I’d be late
And if I were a good man
I’d talk with you more often than I do

If I were to sleep
I could dream
If I were afraid
I could hide
If I go insane
Please don’t put your wires in my brain

If I were the moon
I’d be cool
If I were a rule
I would bend
If I were a good man
I’d understand the spaces between friends

If I were alone
I would cry
And if I were with you
I’d be home and dry
And if I go insane
Will you still let me join in with the game?

If I were a swan
I’d be gone
If I were a train
I’d be late again
If I were a good man
I’d talk with you more often than I do

First Jonesy then Dave Chappelle (at “Stand Up”)

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Last night I was at ‘Stand Up’ comedy club,to support my pal Jonesy .

They saved him for last and he rocked the place! He took 3rd place in the ‘Stand Up’ competition.

At around 11:30pm, Dave Chappelle  pulled up in front of the W. 78th street and Broadway club in a brand new Mini Cooper. He and his bodyguard/pal came in and Dave took the stage.

He improvised for about an hour. I have never seen his show yet, and was thinking the whole time, he is pretty funny, I will definitely tune in, after all, he just signed a $50 MILLION deal to continue his show on Comedy Central for two more seasons. I still prefer Chris Rock (Chris, where were you?). He lit up a cig and smoked during his chat, even though one man in the audience playfully told him it’s not allowed. (You know you can not smoke in any building at all in NYC, that means bars, clubs, the works).

Dave dragged it out too long, not always knowing what to say at times and even admitting he was at a loss for words. The crowd loved him at first but since they had been sitting there already since 9pm, they were antsy. No photos were allowed while he was on stage and several folks had their cells and cameras taken away (until after Dave left).

Some people, myself included, were out in front before he left the place and he was asked politely to pose for pictures and to sign autographs, but arrogantly snubbed the fans saying he has places to go and hopped into the mini and off he was. On one hand, after what happened to John Lennon while signing an autograph, you think, well, I can understand why some stars just aren’t into it. On the other hand, isn’t part of being a star signing autographs and posing for a picture with a fan? I can understand if it is a diva, and her make up isn’t done yet, or if they just left a hospital and look like shit or so, but Dave looked fine (maybe he thought he looked to shiny to pose?).

Anyhow, it was great to see Jonesy on stage in his natural habitat, making them all laugh. Dave wasn’t bad either 😉

Dr. Dot

Ask Dr. Dot

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Dear Dr. Dot,

My best friend of 20 years, snatched the guy I was dating. (This is NOT the first time either). I was only seeing him casually, but adored him and she knew it. I introduced them and since then, they have been inseparable. I still see him at my favorite watering hole, but never hear from her anymore unless I call her. I feel I have lost two people at once. Help!

Christine  M.

Springfield, NJ

Christine,

You can count her out as a friend from here on. Men will usually at least try any female who pushes themselves on them, but there is NO excuse for her betrayal  Bitch . He did you a favor in showing you she can NOT be trusted. Better that you learned this now with a dweeb like him, than later with your real Mr.Right. I would buy him a drink if I were you and say “Thanks for opening my eyes”.

Dr. Dot

He Dr. D,

I am loosing hair left and right but refuse to get plugs- any ideas on how to stop this mess?

Steve A.

Upper East Side

Dear Steve,

Get a satin pillow case to avoid loosing excess hair at night (other fabrics tug at hairs as you toss and turn). Massage your scalp every day to increase hair growth and buy some ‘Vitamin H – biotin’ vitamins, because a shortage of this in your diet leads to hair loss. Also, avoid wearing hats for a while, they tend to add to the problem. Also, only wash your hair every other day, or less if you can get away with it. On  a positive note, it could mean you are just too dam sexy You Are Hot  (extra testosterone).Most women know that balding men are great in bed.

Dr. Dot

Dinah-Moe Humm – by Frank Zappa

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I know, lately my blogs have been a bit impersonal, just posting sexy pictures of my favorite eye candy or animal activist banter, with stuffing of my column Ask Dr. Dot.

Lets see, what’s been goin down. Yesterday I had a very successful meeting with a company I can’t mention (bad luck to count yer eggs before they hatch) and they spoke about how my upcoming show will be formatted and how my column will be syndicated into a VERY popular magazine in conjunction with the show, which will show me in my natural habitat (backstage, at a concert, being cheeky to stars and helping folks look and feel better without beating around any bushes).

Oh GAWD, Robert Downey Junior is on E! right now, an old episode of Saturday Night Live, so excuse me while I drool for a minute  Drooling Bouncy Smiley   he is so out of this world sexy, it is hard for gals to watch him and still remember they have a boy friend or husband.

Fiona Apple is the musical guest on Saturday Night Live, what ever happened to her? She is gorgeous, talented and HOT. Did she just disappear? Please do tell.

I am heading to CT again (glutton for punishment) to visit friends and relatives and of course my sister Shannon again. Oh it is so exciting in CT, I just can’t keep away. I am only staying one or two nights. I may want to flee the city again when the Republican National Convention takes over the city EW! I will have to get out of here!

Jasmine returned from camp and is heading back to Berlin tomorrow. All went well, she had a BLAST and grew up even more. I will head to Berlin myself at the end of Sept and stay for around 4 weeks. I wish I could stop traveling, just stay put and give up the suitcase way of life, but I suppose it is out of my control, being that my ancestors (on my Mothers father side) were gypsies.

I miss Frankie  and Lucy  Dog 5 so much, I find myself petting every dog that goes by, even the kind I don’t fancy so much, those wiener dogs  Dog 11  and gasp, Poodles too  Dog 19  (Mr.. Zappa would roll over in his grave). Well, I have to go and continue my Robert Downey Jr. fantasy. I need more questions for my column, and NOT about DICKS. I am not Dr. Dick. Let us move onto other things, K?

Dinah-Moe Humm                  by Frank Zappa

I couldn’t say where she’s coming’ from,
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty dollar bill say you can’t make me cum
(Y’jes can’t do it)

She made a bet with her sister who’s a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don’t mind that she called me a bum,
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
(So I got down to it)

I whipped off her bloomers’n stiffened my thumb
An’ applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked ‘n stroked till my wrist got numb
But I still didn’t hear no Dinah-Moe Humm,
Dinah-Moe Humm

Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Where’s this Dinah-Moe
Comin’ from
I done spent three hours
An’ I ain’t got a crumb
From the Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe
From the Dinah-Moe Humm

Got a spot that gets me hot, ow!
An’ you ain’t been to it
(No no no no!)
Got a spot that gets me hot, ow!
An’ you ain’t been to it
(No no no!)
Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain’t been to it
(No no no no no!)
Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain’t been to it
‘Cause I can’t get into it
Unless I get out of it
An’ I gotta get out of it
Before I get into it
‘Cause I never get into it
Unless I get out of it
An’ I gotta be out of it
To get myself into it

(She looked over at me with a glazed eye
And some bovine perspiration on her upper lip area
And she said . . . )

Just get me wasted
An’ you’re half-way there
‘Cause if my mind’s tore up,
Then my body don’t care

I rubbed my chinny-chin-chin
An’ said my-my-my
What sort of thing
Might this lady get high upon?

I checked out her sister
Who was holdin’ the bet
An’ wondered what kind of trip
The young lady was on

The forty dollar bill didn’t matter no more
When her sister got nekkid an’ laid on the floor
She said Dinah-Moe might win the bet
But she could use a little ______ if I wasn’t done yet

I told her . . .
Just because the sun
Want a place in the sky
No reason to assume
I wouldn’t give her a try

So I pulled on her hair
Got her legs in the air
An’ asked if she had any cooties on there

(Whaddya mean cooties! No cooties on me!)

She was buns-up kneelin’
BUNS UP!
I was wheelin’ an dealin’
WHEELIN’ AN’ DEALIN’ AN’ OOOOH!
She surrender to the feelin’
SHE SWEETLY SURRENDERED
An’ she started in to squealin’

Dinah-Moe watched from the edge of the bed
With her lips just a-twitchin’ an’ her face gone red
Some drool rollin’ down
From the edge of her chin
While she spied the condition
Her sister was in
She quivered ‘n quaked
An’ clutched at herself
While her sister made a joke
About her mental health
‘Till Dinah-Moe finally
Did give in
But I told her
All she really needed
Was some discipline . . .

Kiss my aura . . . Dora . . .
M-M-M . . . it’s real angora
Would y’all like some more-a?
Right here on the flora?
An’ how ’bout you, Fauna?
Y’wanna?

MMM . . . sound like you’re chokin’ on somethin’

Did you say you want some more?
Well, here’s some more . . .

(Oh, baby . . . )

Oh, sure . . . look,
D’you think I could interest you
In a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers?

MMM . . . tweezers!
Wait a minute, lemme sterilize ’em . . .
Gimme your lighter . . .

I couldn’t say where she’s coming’ from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty dollar bill say you can’t make me cum
(Y’jes can’t do it)

I whipped off her bloomers ‘n stiffened my thumb
An’ applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked ‘n stroked till my wrist got numb
An’ you know I heard some Dinah-Moe Humm
Some Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Some Dinah-Moe
An’ a little Dinah-Moe
An’ a Dinah-Moe again
An’ Dinah-Moe
An’ Dora too, lil’ Dinah ‘n Dora
An’ Dinah-Moe
Kiss my aura, Dinah

Ask Dr. Dot

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Dear Dr.,

I want to be a good boy and have safe sex, but 9 out of 10 times that I do the dirty deed, the condom breaks anyways, so why bother? Any ideas on how to prevent this nightmare from reoccurring?

Seth A.  NYC

 

Seth,

That has happened to most of us. I think condoms make a woman dry down there; they seem to rob us of our female lube. First of all, make sure you have enough foreplay to get her moist, and once you are at it, have some K.Y Jelly at hand to make sure the situation stays wet enough to avoid rips but not so wet that the condom slides off. Like Frank Zappa said “Keep it greasy!”

Dr. Dot

 

Dear Dot,

I am a single white male and will soon inherit A LOT of money. I want to know your opinion on pre-nups. I don’t want to be taken for a ride or be rejected for protecting my future fortune.

Clint  WeeHawken, NJ

 

Hi Clint,

First of all, why MUST you get married? You can live with a woman and not mention the big bucks. If it is such a huge amount, you can keep it in a Swiss account and it can not be touched. If you insist on marrying, definitely do the pre-nup route and make it VERY fool proof. I personally would avoid mentioning big assets, as you could end up attracting a vulture type lover. “Would you walk away from a fool and his money?” most answer “no”. Good Luck.

Dr.

Man Smart (Woman Smarter)

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Man Smart (Woman Smarter)

Lyrics: Norman Span
Music: Norman Spana

Let us put men and women together
See which one is smarter
Some say men, but I say no
The women got the men like a puppet show

Believe me, it’s the people that say
That the men are leading the women astray
But I say that the women today
Are smarter than the men in every way

Chorus
That’s right, the women are smarter
That’s right, the women are smarter
That’s right, the women are smarter
The women are smarter than the men today

Little boy sit on the corner and cry
Big man come and he ask him why
Says I can’t do what the big boys do
Man sat down and he cried too

It ain’t me, but the people who say
That the men are leading the women astray
But I say that the women today
Are smarter than the men in every way

Ever since the world began
Women been imitating the ways of men
But listen cause I’ve got a plan
Give it up, just don’t try to understand

Ask Dr. Dot (to cream or not to cream?)

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Dear Dr. Dot,

Is there any harm in me spraying whipped cream all over my girl during sex? She claims it is unhealthy, but I am dying to try that.

Doug C.  Hoboken, NJ

Hey Doug,

She is correct. Yeast is present in every one of us. It thrives on sugar, so, put whipped cream or any other sweet stuff down there in her love nest and she will be so itchy the next day, she will want to sit naked on a carpet and drag it to L.A and back. You will also suffer, not only from the itch, but lack of sex during the treatment. Use plain yogurt instead my good man.

Dr.

Hi Dr. Dot,

I am 29 and have fallen madly in love with a 20 year old. Looking at the Hollywood trend nowadays, it seems ok, but I am afraid of what it will be like down the road.

Amy M.  South Hackensack, NJ

Amy,

There are no guarantees in love no matter what the age. Concentrate on making a living for yourself and being happy and it shouldn’t matter so much if a man comes or goes.  A young guy will have tons of energy but no money. You may find it fun to teach a younger guy, but they may want to take all that knowledge and try it out elsewhere. As long as he treats you good, just enjoy him and relax with your toy boy.

Dr. Dot

 

Boycott KFC (Kentucky Fried Cruelty) watch this video of chicken abuse :(

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KFC Video: PETA Announces Press

Conference Downtown

Video tape shows chickens being slammed and stomped!!!!    Disgusting 

LOUISVILLE — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has scheduled a press conference for Wednesday at the Seelbach Hotel in downtown Louisville to discuss a plan of action against Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The organization is reacting to a video that surfaced of alleged animal cruelty at a West Virginia chicken plant, WLKY NewsChannel 32’s John Charlton reported.

Workers were seen throwing, slamming, kicking and stomping on chickens at the Pilgrim’s Pride plant, which is a major supplier of KFC.
click HERE to see the video

PETA said what its investigator, who posed as a worker, saw violates federal law, Charlton reported.

“Our investigator said that a lot of these birds ended up dying as a result of their injuries, and their abuse did end up back on the slaughter line, which is a violation of USDA policy,” PETA spokesman Dan Shannon said. “So we’re calling for a federal investigation into this plant for food safety concerns.”

KFC and Pilgrim’s Pride claim that appropriate action against the workers involved is being taken.

Please follow WLKY NewsChannel 32 and TheLouisvilleChannel.com for updates to this story as they become available.
I just saw the video of workers slamming chickens against the wall and laughing and then running through a room of chickens and stomping all over them. I am appalled. If you want to write what you think to the Pilgrim’s Pride company, that lets their workers behave so cruely, click on the link below:
 
Not only that, but they showed how KFC cuts off the chickens beaks at birth so they don’t hurt each other is such tight cages. They are all deformed, most have one wing or one leg, no wonder they can’t call it ‘Kentucky fried Chicken” anymore, they can only call it KFC now.

Boston — PETA’s brand-new anti-KFC billboard, which shows Pamela Anderson next to the tagline “Boycott KFC—Live Scalding, Painful Debeaking, Crippled Chickens” and steers motorists to KentuckyFriedCruelty.com, has just gone up near the FleetCenter, along I-93 South at Exit 22B. The national billboard blitz is the latest salvo in PETA’s international campaign to pressure KFC to crack down on cruel treatment of chickens by KFC suppliers, including a slaughterhouse in Moorefield, W.Va., where workers were caught kicking, throwing, and stomping live birds in a widely distributed video.

Anderson, who also recently wrote to NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr., asking that he use his position as KFC pitchman to pressure the company into curbing the worst abuses of its chickens, joins PETA in calling on KFC to make basic improvements based on the best available scientific research and the recommendations of members of KFC’s own animal-welfare advisory panel. Other undercover investigations like the one in Moorefield have turned up exactly the same abuses that KFC denies having to address—including crippled chickens’ being kept in crowded, filthy conditions and sadistically tortured. The widely read British newspaper The Sunday Mirror led a report on an investigation into a U.K. KFC supplier with the headline “Distressed and Dying in a Cramped Shed … Nobody Does Chicken Like KFC.”

Seinfeld star and ex-KFC pitchman Jason Alexander had his contract with KFC canceled after PETA enlisted him to speak to company execs about the suffering of chickens. PETA has had additional high-profile support from hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons, comedian Richard Pryor, rock icons Sir Paul McCartney and Chrissie Hynde, and civil-rights leader Dick Gregory.

“KFC stands for cruelty,” says Anderson, who is a vegan and promotes PETA’s boycott of KFC on her wildly popular Web site. “If KFC executives treated cats or dogs the way they treat chickens, they could go to prison on felony cruelty-to-animals charges.”

For more information, please visit PETA’s Web site KentuckyFriedCruelty.com. A copy of the billboard follows.