1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you
are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the
boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups,
aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like
a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and
whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
"Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now
think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any
such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man
only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish
guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in
training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in
a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's
world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he
pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high
hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black,
and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a
"Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what
artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet
in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different
types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes
to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain
to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all
the players in the Major league, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA
and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
"fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If
you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the
wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The
rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station,
eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his bitch in the
passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere,
vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of
those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching
any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely
to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is
what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.
