Basically I have been on a non-stop karaoke binge since last Friday. The CT girls left Friday night, I met Shannon Saturday night, the Sunday (Mothers day night) was a big blur of *smart food popcorn, cops and what Lisa calls a “sausage fest”.
First lets get familiar with the Vernon, CT terminology, according to Lisa that is:
1) Sausage Fest: When there are more men then women in a place (bar, club, party).
2) FYI : For your information ( sounds obvious, but people say it all day long around here)
3) Mad Mode: As in “He is in Mad Mode” very angry mood.
4) Pop corn situation: when one or more bags of extra large *smart food are being thrown around your car at once. (Usually MY CAR) *smart food is a brand of cheese-flavored popcorn
Sunday night at a place called “Toons” we went to karaoke. It was a sausage fest and the sound there couldn’t have been better. The owner, who looks EXACTLY like Eric Idle from Monty Python sang many Paul McCartney tunes (after hearing me do “Oh Darlin”) . Turns out he is a singer in a band and they do mostly Paul and the Beatles, so we went back and forth all night doing songs, it was heaven having him sing “Maybe I’m amazed”.
We rocked that place and I ended up bribing the DJ to stay until 1am ( he wanted to stop at 11pm!). When the place closed, the owner let Lisa and I hang for a while to hear my Beatles Anthology 2 cd (he had never heard it before) and he gave us drinks on the house. The police (who are VERY fucking bored in CT) were circling the place shining their lights into the bar to see what was going on after hours, so we all ducked down out of the way.
When the coast was clear, Lisa and I piled into my CLEAN (freshly detailed) VW Golf. Lisa was steamin’ drunk by now and insisted on calling her freshly disposed boy toy named Steve. Steve has been toying with her heart for several weeks, which always ends in her crying and me Steve bashing to her on the phone to get her strong again.
Steve is an unemployed 33-year-old LOSER, who has several sugar ma-mas all around town. Lisa and Steve have been friends for a few months and he openly told her about all of his sexual escapades, usually one new girl a week, never committing, always leaving them in tears, and ALWAYS having them pay for what ever he does and eats or drinks, basically a fairly handsome SPONGE. Handsome as far as Vernon, CT standards go, which means he wouldn’t stand a chance in any given city, but trust me folks, the pickin’s are slim here, they always have been!
Anyways, Steve has Lisa care for him in everyway all week long and then suddenly, he disappears every single weekend, finally dragging his tired from shagging all weekend ass over to her house Sunday nights to be nursed back to life again. Lisa decided that she is no longer falling for this shit and so she has been ignoring him and she has been in “mad mode” since his last disappearing act.
However, after a few “CC and Ginger” drinks (whatever the hell that is) she was feeling pretty vindictive and wanted to call him at 1:45am. I told her not to, but I had to drive and she did it anyways. Steve drops over to her condo at all hours of the day or night unannounced and is always welcomed with open arms (and milk cartons) but when she called HIM at 1:45 am, it was a different story. “Who the HELL do you think you are calling me at 1:45am!” I heard him yell (he came to her house at 3:30am on Friday night) so she gave them phone to me and I barked at him a bit and gave phone back to Lisa. We stopped at 7-11 ( a shop that is ALWAYS OPEN) and I bought two giant bags of Smart Food Popcorn. I handed the bags to Lisa and she put them on her lap.
She insisted we drive to his apartment (it’s called STALKING !) and I told her it is SO not a good idea, but she REALLY wanted to “just drive by”. She called him again and told him he must come out and he was all cranky and hesitant (read: he had a girl up in his love shack).Lisa was out of the car when she was on the phone and when she got back IN my car, she SAT violently onto the bags of Popcorn and the explosion was amazing.It was snowing popcorn in my formerly clean car.
Lisa told him he MUST come down because “we have a pop corn situation here”. I am sure the guy just came down out of pure curiosity as to what a fucking popcorn situation really looked like. He came out and all hell broke lose. Lisa got out and yelled, he yelled, then I got out and yelled, telling him Lisa is NOT one of his weekly skanks and the game is over, stop making her cry and using her for food and fun. Well, someone called the cops. He went back into his cave and a bag of popcorn was thrown into the back of his PURPLE pick up truck just for fun.
As we were pulling out, two police cars pulled up behind us, bright lights and all. The first cop, a young hottie flashed his BIG ol’ flashlight in my car and was wondering why the fuck it was covered in pop corn. We were trying our hardest not to laugh. I had told Lisa not to talk much as she was obviously drunk as a skunk. I told the hunk of an officer that Steve usually is the one showing up late at night making trouble and he has been putting poor Lisa through emotional turmoil. Then another cop walked up with the BIG flashlight and puzzled look on her face: “Lisa? Is that you?” . Apparently the female (definitely a dike) officer already knows Lisa on a first name basis. You know you are a drama queen when the cops know your first name 🙂
The friendly female loving cop adored us and totally understood when I told her that guy lives off of sugar ma-mas and is a big fat liar. The angry lesbian with a badge went up with the other cop to talk to Steve and when they came out, they simply handed us a “Domestic Violence Assistance” paper with many phone numbers on it in case someone gets violent I guess. The female cop gave us a knowing wink and told us to go free on our merry pop corn way.
That same night, Lisa’s friend Michael came over to calm Lisa down and then the phone rang and another friend needed us to go help get their keys out of the car, they locked their keys in a car that was running! So we all went (3:30am now) to help and nothing worked, so we called the police (must have been the same police) and they said no way are they coming out again to help us and to finally get our Asses home to bed. Luckily my skinny arm got up under the window and I could unlock it with a few minor bruises to show for it.
Monday night was kind of a rest night, we were at Felicia’s home spa trading massages and laughing up a storm. Then Tuesday night was more police trouble. I swear, CT is such a POLICE state; it is CRAWLING with cops (good looking cops by the way).
I was on my way to Avon, CT to go sing (yes, I am a karaoke addict) and I was given a map how to get there, ALL back roads. I love to drive fast and these back roads here are crowded with grandparents all out for a nice drive, driving SLOW as can be.
The speed limits change every few miles here, and I guess I didn’t notice that I was going too fast. As soon as I flew by the cop car, I knew I was dead meat.
Sure enough, I got pulled over. Huge amounts of blue, red and white lights flashing around. The road I was on has almost NO lights on it so we were definitely the big attraction for everyone who drove by.
The cop (again, young and good looking) asked me for my papers etc, and I asked him if I was going to fast. He laughed and said, “Uh, you were FLYING!” Apparently I was going 64 miles per hour in a 35-MPH zone. He said he would have taken me to jail if he wanted to, but since I was late for karaoke, he made an exception. 😉
I got a choice handed to me. I could come back to CT on May 24th and go to court and try to get the find reduced (which would probably NOT happen) or I could pay a $198.00 fine within 5 days and all would be forgotten.
SO, I paid the $198.00 today and now it is over with. Last year around this time, I got a $280.00 ticket for speeding and most of all, the horrible fuzzy dice “obstructing my view” (hanging from my mirror). I have only been in CT since late Saturday night and I have had 4 encounters with the police. I better not stay too long here!
Today my “Ask Dr.Dot”column appears in the Steppin’ Out magazine. It comes out every Wednesday all over NY and NJ. Click HERE to check it out.
Send any questions you have to me and perhaps I can get them in the magazine with a good answer for you.
Off to bed
Greetings from the wilderness of CT