A tad mean, but funny as hell

An urban youth was asked to do a simple homework
assignment,

Befuddled by the whole school thing, he was given a                                             
set of
vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here’s what he
handed in:

1.  HONOR ROLL – We was playin’ poker on the stoop the
other
day, and man, I was HONOROLL.

2.  PLANET – I got me some seed to grow weed, so I
PLANET in
the backyard.

3.  DISMAY – I went for a blood test, the doctor
pulled out a
big needle. He said, “DISMAY hurt a little.”

4.  OMELETTE – Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE
go after
a week.

5.  STAIRWAY – When me and my homies get high, we
STAIRWAY into
space.

6.  MOBILE – I went to buy crack, I was short on cash,
my man
said, “Gimme one MOBILE.”

7.  DEFENSE – I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE
and got
away.

8.  AFRO – I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at
her.

9.  AFTERMATH – I like to be high in school, so
AFTERMATH I go
to the field and smoke weed.

10.  LOCKET – I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

11.  DOMINEERING – My girly’s birthday was yesterday,
I got her
a DOMINEERING.

12.  KENYA – I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a
stranger
KENYA spare some change.

13.  DERANGE – DERANGE is where da deer and antelope
play.

14.  DATA – At my basketball game, I scored thirty
points. My
coach said, “DATA boy!”

15.  COPULATE – I called 911 and an hour later when
they show
up, I said, “COPULATE!”

16.  FASCINATE – My girly’s boobies are so big. Her
shirt has
ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.

17.  BEWARE – I axed the man at the unemployment
office, “Is
this BEWARE I get a job?”

18.  DIMENSION – I be tall, dark, handsome… and not
DIMENSION
hung like a horse.

19.  COATROOM – The judge said, “One more outburst
like that,
and you’ll be thrown out the COATROOM.”

20.  DECIDE – I like Vonda and Yolanda, but I like to
have a
couple of womens on DECIDE.                  

Ladies, be sure to keep your meat curtains tucked in, that’s too much information for us- k?

Dr.

“He’s a real nowhere man”

My friend Andrea, her daughter and I were walking through the Volkspark ( the people’s park) near my flat here in Berlin. It was fairly standard weather for Berlin.  As we were crossing the street, I noticed this HUGE hippie van parked next to the park

There was a lot of writing on it, some in English, so I decided to go knock. The man called out that I can come in. Up until this point, I thought every German named ‘Dieter’ looked like Dieter from Sprockets on Saturday Night Live. Well, this Dieter is as different from Mike Myers “Dieter” as you can get. This Dieter is a regular rollin’ stone, a REAL Nowhere Man ( please hum that tune from the Beatles when you read this blog). I went in alone and started chatting with Dieter and after about 15 minutes, I called to Andrea and Sarina who were at the near by play ground. Andrea said when I went in there, a few people were staring in amazement, as in, I must have a    -lot of courage to enter –such a freaky van. Dieter said he has lived like this for the last 30 years. I didn’t have the balls to ask him how old he was, but he did say he has a 41 year old daughter. Dieter does mosaic tile designs to earn money. His bathroom in the van is so fucking cool, he laid each-  -piece by hand. 

The two dog dishes in the ‘heated floor bathroom’ belong to his only travel companion, Snoopy. That dog is super sweet and was letting himself in and out of the van the whole time. He gets spoiled and has a lot of toys on board which he kept exchanging. He would come in, grab the ox tail, go out, chew for 10 minutes, then come in, put the ox tail back(!), and grab the big bone and go out again.

Dieter keeps his “home on wheels” extremely tidy and organized. He has loads of plants and cool lights all over. He said it took him 7  

years to build it exactly how he wants it. He has an incredible stereo system in there and even in the bathroom it sounds like a concert. He played a ‘Melony’ cd. That was the first concert I ever saw, my folks brought me to see her and I think I was only 2 years old, don’t remember squat of course! I found Dieter to be so cool, I even came back later with Jasmine and we chatted with him for hours.

He said he was married at 20, had a kid and wife, and at 24 he wanted to move to Canada (he is a native Berliner) but his wife was like “oh, but here I have a great kitchen and school for our kid” she was clearly not flexible to move around, so Dieter had to leave her. He had paid her the mandatory HUGE amount of alimony and took off and never went back. Not sure if he sees his daughter or so.

Dieter lives on wheels; where ever he parks is where he lives that day. He reminds me of being on tour with the Grateful Dead, in fact I was surprised he had never seen them in concert. Dieter doesn’t smoke or drink any alcohol, ever. He is a vegan and never lets steel or silver touch his mouth, he only eats with the custom made wooden chop sticks he had made on one of his MANY trips to Nepal. He loves Katmandu and India too. Even though he is a tad old, he doesn’t have ONE grey hair on his head, which proves he is happy and stress free. He whipped out a photo of himself in his hey day and had long blonde hair, looked like a member of the Doobie Brothers.

 The photo to the left is Andrea  (standing) Sarina and some random brave German woman who also came aboard to look. There is Dieter in the drivers seat, playing us some music. He has many crystals and freaky lights, the kind that when you touch it, little lightning bolts come to your finger, you know, like at the science museum- that are sensitive to heat. Dieter is a classic nowhere man, he is happy and refuses to conform to society as we know it. He says he goes to Bielefeld (in West Germany) every once in a while to work (doing tiles). He earns money and takes off again. He says his boss loves his work so much that he can come and go as he pleases. He refuses to stay in one place and NEEDS to explore. The photos I made of his home do not do it justice, it is breath taking and has hand crafted wood from Nepal all over it inside. I brought him a few cds to enrich his collection, two Moody Blues cds and one of me doing Janis Joplin 🙂   Good luck Dietmar and keep on truckin’!

Movin’ right along. I went out tonight with Asita. She and I have been friends for about 8 years. Her dad is Iranian and her mom is German. Asista works for one of Germany’s biggest concert promoters and gets to meet a lot of Rock and Pop stars. She has a wicked sense of humor and we get along GREAT! Seeing her was exaclty what I needed as Berlin was really getting me down. Since I have been gone for about 2 years, (apart from me coming to visit Jasmine every third month) my friends have either moved or are so busy in their lives they have no time when I come so I am often alone. When Jasmine is home it is awesome, but she is a busy girl too and has a HUGE amount of friends and packed schedule, what with school, guitar and tons of gal pals (she broke up with Leon by the way). So if she comes home every day at 7 or 8pm, I am alone and missing NYC badly. I go shopping do the occasional massage and make- over, but still, I long to see friends. I am kind of on call all the time ,when Jasmine has free time, I must be free for her.

Anyhow, Asita and I went to the Irish Pub karaoke night. Fricky came too and did a Michael Jackson tune ( ‘man in the mirror’) and I did tina Turner’s “Simply the Best” .Notice we only did ONE song? The dj is a PRICK and insists on singing so much that no one gets to sing twice. Why do karaoke DJs insist on singing all night? Isn’t the point to let the people who come and spend loads on drinks and wait for hours to sing? I was there from 10pm to 1am and got one song, as did every one else. BUT the DJ, well, he sang 4 times. Hearing a German sing Frank Sinatra and Jerry Lee Lewis (with heavy accent) would piss you off too!

Not sure how long you have been reading this blog, but I wrote about this Dj waaay back, his girlfriend is always there and hates all females that come to sing, last time I went there to sing, he yelled at me the WHOLE time I sang that I wasn’t holding the mic correctly- both songs I sang had him screaming at me in the background- he is one angry KRAUT.

The two photos above: That is Asita sitting in the shoe shine chair. The Irish Pub is inside the Europa Center, Berlins answer to a mall (we have Wallmarts bigger than this “mall”) . Then that is Aista and I holding onto eachother in the pub, kind of holding on for dear life as so many creepy guys were trying to chat us up, I mean CREEPY.Even Fricky was afraid of the guys! It was so fun hangin’ with Asita again, if she dyed her hair platinum blonde, she would be a dead ringer for Mae West, I SWEAR. She is very sharp tounged like me and is a rock chick, which I love. I hope she comes to NYC to visit me, I will show her a good time.

Last but not least, I took this photo of Jasmine the other night  and she HATES having her picture taken and didn’t care too much for my hat either. Jasmine looks just like her father, Benjamin. She has naturally curly hair but hates it. She would like it to be straight. I tell her many women PAY for spiral perms to have hair like hers, she isn’t interested in that. Ah, teenagers. I love her to death.

This blog took me 3 hours to do; the photos and writing etc. I am now back on my bad sleeping habit schedule. It is 7:30 AM so I have to get my ass into bed. Keep those “product ideas” coming, I am grateful 🙂

“Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry- love is all, love is you” Beatles

xx Dr. Dot


Q Magazine and our new assistant TERSA from Dallas

Tersa passed her Dr. Dot team massage audition with flying colors. She is talented and strong, ready to spoil and heal you when you are in Dallas. I am happy her healing hands are now part of our team and trust her to handle you with care. If you are in Dallas or plan to go there soon, drop me a line drdot@drdot.com  and I will arrange to have Tersa give you a treatment. Read more about her below.

Here she is

My name is Tersa. I am a Registered Massage Therapist in Dallas Texas. I have been practicing massage therapy since 2001. I specialize in Performing Artist Body Therapy. Working with dancers and musicians. Working with local musicians here in Dallas has given me the opportunity to gain experience in order to help performing artists with their specific needs. I use techniques from some of the different modalities that I have studied such as sports massage or myofacial release. Right now I work within a rehab environment doing massage as part of the healing process for hand to back injuries. I love being able to help someone become better.  I am currently studying Neuromuscular Therapy to better help the people I work with. I truly believe in the old saying “Knowledge is Power.”  When I was just a kid I knew I wanted to be part of the music world and wasn’t sure how. Then I went to study massage therapy, I knew then how I could help and be part of that world. That is why when I read about Dr. Dot I was happy to see someone else had made their dream come true as well.


Guess the new issue of Q magazine is out-

Hi Dot

I hope you’re enjoying Berlin. I just saw the new issue of Q magazine. It’s on the newstands here now. It has the picture I took of you in it. I don’t know what you’ll think, but I think you look great.

best wishes

Rob
http://www.robhann.com

Don’t shoot the messenger

I am not 100% sure, but I was told the segment I did for VH1 called “The Fabulous life of Hip Hop Super Stars” will air tomorrow, April 4th at 1:30 pm EST (NYC time!) on VH1. I am sure I am only to be seen for a few minutes, but if you are home and laying on your sofa, probably hung over from your Saturday night escapade, tune into VH1 at 1:30pm and have a look. Let me know how it was, as I can’t even see it here from Berlin! I hope I wasn’t all shiny.

I have also been alerted that the 5th Wheel episode will “definitely air on April 30th” probably at 1am as it usually does ( so I am not sure if that means it is really May 1st at 1am, or what! I don’t even trust these 5th Wheel folks anymore, they have told me several times I will be on a certain date, and then I alert everyone and they all stay up and watch, and I wasn’t to be seen, so we all wasted precious time.But like I said, I am only the messenger.

My girlfriend, Andrea told me tonight how much the News on TV is upsetting her. The war in Iraq, terror in Spain, trouble in Israel etc. We see it all on TV, but feel helpless, we can not help or do anything about terror, so it is torture to watch it. Even though it sounds really ignorant, I prefer to watch Animal Planet and E! or VH1 or David Letterman, Sat.Night Live, Tough Crowd or the Simpsons, even Conan O’Brien when I watch TV. The news just makes you want to weep!

I told her she should listen to some Frank Zappa to ease her mind. She said she has trouble (she is German) understanding lyrics sometimes because the music to fast or so. Therefore, I will do us all a favor and now add some Frank Zappa lyrics to this blog entree. Frank HATED TV and these two songs below are so perfect for this topic, read em and enjoy.

This one is called “Trouble everyday”

Well I’m about to get sick
From watchin’ my TV
Been checkin’ out the news
Until my eyeballs fail to see
I mean to say that every day
Is just another rotten mess
And when it’s gonna change, my friend
Is anybody’s guess

So I’m watchin’ and I’m waitin’
Hopin’ for the best
Even think I’ll go to prayin’
Every time I hear ’em sayin’
That there’s no way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day
No way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day

Wednesday I watched the riot . . .
Seen the cops out on the street
Watched ’em throwin’ rocks and stuff
And chokin’ in the heat
Listened to reports
About the whisky passin’ ’round
Seen the smoke and fire
And the market burnin’ down
Watched while everybody
On his street would take a turn
To stomp and smash and bash and crash
And slash and bust and burn

And I’m watchin’ and I’m waitin’
Hopin’ for the best
Even think I’ll go to prayin’
Every time I hear ’em sayin’
That there’s no way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day
No way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day

Well, you can cool it,
You can heat it . . .
‘Cause, baby, I don’t need it . . .
Take your TV tube and eat it
‘N all that phony stuff on sports
‘N all the unconfirmed reports
You know I watched that rotten box
Until my head begin to hurt
From checkin’ out the way
The newsman say they get the dirt
Before the guys on channel so-and-so

And further they assert
That any show they’ll interrupt
To bring you news if it comes up
They say that if the place blows up
They will be the first to tell,
Because the boys they got downtown
Are workin’ hard and doin’ swell,
And if anybody gets the news
Before it hits the street,
They say that no one blabs it faster
Their coverage can’t be beat

And if another woman driver
Gets machine-gunned from her seat
They’ll send some joker with a brownie
And you’ll see it all complete

So I’m watchin’ and I’m waitin’
Hopin’ for the best
Even think I’ll go to prayin’
Every time I hear ’em sayin’
That there’s no way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day
No way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day

Hey, you know something people?
I’m not black
But there’s a whole lots a times
I wish I could say I’m not white

Well, I seen the fires burnin’
And the local people turnin’
On the merchants and the shops
Who used to sell their brooms and mops
And every other household item
Watched the mob just turn and bite ’em
And they say it served ’em right
Because a few of them are white,
And it’s the same across the nation
Black and white discrimination
Yellin’ “You can’t understand me!”
‘N all that other jazz they hand me
In the papers and TV and
All that mass stupidity
That seems to grow more every day
Each time you hear some nitwit say
He wants to go and do you in
Because the color of your skin
Just don’t appeal to him
(No matter if it’s black or white)
Because he’s out for blood tonight

You know we got to sit around at home
And watch this thing begin
But I bet there won’t be many live
To see it really end
‘Cause the fire in the street
Ain’t like the fire in the heart
And in the eyes of all these people
Don’t you know that this could start
On any street in any town
In any state if any clown
Decides that now’s the time to fight
For some ideal he thinks is right
And if a million more agree
There ain’t no Great Society
As it applies to you and me
Our country isn’t free
And the law refuses to see
If all that you can ever be
Is just a lousy janitor
Unless your uncle owns a store
You know that five in every four
Just won’t amount to nothin’ more
Gonna watch the rats go across the floor
And make up songs about being poor

Blow your harmonica, son!

And one of my all time favorites: “I am the slime”

I am gross and perverted
I’m obsessed ‘n deranged
I have existed for years
But very little has changed
I’m the tool of the Government
And industry too
For I am destined to rule
And regulate you

I may be vile and pernicious
But you can’t look away
I make you think I’m delicious
With the stuff that I say
I’m the best you can get
Have you guessed me yet?
I’m the slime oozin’ out
From your TV set

You will obey me while I lead you
And eat the garbage that I feed you
Until the day that we don’t need you
Don’t go for help . . . no one will heed you
Your mind is totally controlled
It has been stuffed into my mold
And you will do as you are told
Until the rights to you are sold

That’s right, folks . . .
Don’t touch that dial

Well, I am the slime from your video
Oozin’ along on your livin’ room floor

I am the slime from your video
Can’t stop the slime, people, lookit me go

I am the slime from your video
Oozin’ along on your livin’ room floor

I am the slime from your video
Can’t stop the slime, people, lookit me go



Frank rules!

xx Dot